Anxious Ex Husband about my adventures with the Kids

[Elizabeth Louise]

My Husband doesnt want me to take the kids kayaking because he is "concerned". I have taken the kids twice already without him. If i take them it means i dont care about him and they get to experience a fun day. If i dont take them, i appease his anxiety but we miss out. 

He says his concerned of the risks. What risks? That they will drown? They can swim and they have done it twice before. All I can think of is some fun & adventure and making memories with them. The past 6 weeks all I have been doing is packing, unpacking, moving and renovating. I'm exhausted and stressed and want a break and a little adventure. Plus it's my birthday soon. I wanted to do a fun activity with the kids. When i explained this he says I am free now I can do whatever I want and that I never listened when we were together. But I know he will hold it against me. And when I ask to get back together he will throw it in my face and say I don't care and they are just words and I havnt shown him that I care about him. 

(Just some background. I really want to get back together but with hes afraid. He blames me for it all says its all my fault, he fled because he's been hurt) 

I have mentioned to him not to worry I won't do anything dangerous. The kids will be fine. I even asked him if he would feel more comfortable to come along with us and would that help. He says No. 

I have pointed out that this is anxiety and fear is holding him back and to please challenge those negative thoughts. He always thinks worse case scenario. 

He reminded me that I did this last year when I was on holiday with the kids. We were on a tour boat ride in the Whitsundays and it was chopping seas and he was included in the online group and saw the weather forecast. Someone posted something about  do not go out on the sea its 22 Knots. But our boat was full! The Captain changed from the sail boat to a stronger faster boat and I was confident in the captain. My husband wasn't there and he asked me not to go. I didn't want the kids to miss out on snorkling! And they were really looking forward to it. The boat trip was chopping at times but it was fine. We were safe. 

He still knocks it to me. That I had an opportunity to show him that i care about his concerns and listen. I think it was so unfair. 

What do I do? 

I want to save our relationship, but I also want to Live a little. It was a horrible year last year. I went into depression. I really need some adventure in my life to make me feel alive. 

[Elizabeth Louise]

Thank you. He ended up coming with us Kayaking, but he made it clear he was only there for the kids. He was worried about them. He sent me a text today, that he doesn't like being called anxious and paranoid when all he has done is care for the kids safety. He said he needs to back off because he is clearly sending the wrong messages with being concerned. He says he feels I misinterpreted his concerns lately. He says I can do what I like from now on and he trusts that I will look after the kids. He said he won't be coming along anymore if he is concerned with safety. He says he will be more trusting that I can handle it. 

How do I deal with this? How do I point out that he is being way too anxious. He doesn't believe he is an anxious person but I really feel he is and sometimes he worries way too much for nothing.

[Elizabeth Louise]

Thank you. We both ended up going together with the kids and had a really nice day out. He was still stressing at one point in an area where boats were coming through. He said it was dangerous. We were nowhere near the boats and the boats were not speeding. He worries that if I go again with the kids that some boats who may not follow the rules will be speeding and he worries about the children's safety. I tried to tell him we wouldn't stay in that area and we would stay further down the river where its quieter. How do I deal with his anxiety? I have tried to validate his concerns, but sometimes I can't help but minimise as I think its a bit too much. He doesn't like it when I point out that he is being anxious and paranoid. But that's how I feel that he worries excessively on possible scenarios. He says things are dangerous when they are not, risk is so low. 

He sent me a text message this afternoon to tell me he won't be coming along anymore if he is concerned with safety. He said he doesn't like to be called anxious and paranoid when all he has done is cared for the kids safety. He says I misinterpreted his concerns lately. 

[smallwolf]

Hello,

It's good to hear that he trusts you now in looking after the kids.

In relation to your question about how to deal with this ... I am guessing that everything went well with kayaking based on your latest replies. And this being the case, you could ask if there were any issues he went with you? Did anyone get hurt? etc.

Does your partner get concerned about driving a car?  The same logic could apply there/here.

You do the best you can in both cases (kayaking vs driving) and that is all you can ask for. My son (a few years ago) dislocated a finger passing a football around at school. All I am saying is there are many ways you can get injured and it's a bit unfair to stop doing everything out of concern?

Hope that is not too harsh?

[Richju]

Dear Elizabeth Louise,

I agree that you are a considerate Mum, who wants her children to grow up having experiences that promote confidence. I admit being similar to your husband and was severely overprotected when I was a child. I wasn't allowed a bicycle because it was 'too dangerous', although all the other kids had them. When I went to my first dance, there was my Mum waiting outside when the dance finished. I was fifteen years old!

When I was first married I was overprotective with my children, until my ex-husband stepped in. He was similar to you and liked the kids to have a good time, even if it meant the occasional cuts and abrasions. My children grew up to be confident and I am forever grateful to him for this. 

We all have different problems to deal with and you can't be expected to solve your partner's issues. He needs to find help for himself and, as you say, you need adventure for your wellness. He can't keep putting his fears into your children.

I envy your kids. I wish you had been my Mum!

Kindest regards,

Richju xxxxxxx