Anxious and Confused

[KittyCat17]

Hi, I am new to this forum but have been looking at other posts trying to relate to my situation for a long time now and thought I should really just post my own situation as everyone's journeys are unique.

I have always been a slightly anxious person. I have had a severe fear of vomiting since I was a child but have always managed to still maintain functional living and get through moments the anxiety was high. About a year ago I started a job which is focused all around people with cancer and I am speaking with people who have just been diagnosed everyday. I never really thought it effected me much until recently.

I begun experiencing feelings of being 'unwell' - like I was coming down with something- extremely tired, brain fog, sore aching mucles. I was convinced something was seriously wrong with me, looking up my symptoms on google (I know, I knew that was stupid but couldnt help myself). I was convinced I could have cancer and really spiraled out of control. I also then convinced myself maybe it was a thyroid issue as it showed a slightly elevated level at my last check up. I found myself at the doctors more times in a month than I had been in my whole life. I felt like death- I felt like there was a 'shadow' over my brain, my eyes felt sunken in, I couldnt even focus on people talking to me. WHen all my tests came back, everything was fine, nothing was out of the ordinary and I was told that I had Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I was shocked, I was relieved about not being unwell but at the same time I couldnt believe that what I was feeling was just anxiety. I guess my question is, has it ever got to this point for other people? Have you ever made yourself so physically sick from anxiety that you didnt even realise it was happening?

I have been seeing a psychologist since then, and my anxiety has definitely subsides since being told its just anxiety and not a life threatening illness but there are still days I feel off and I can help it creeping back into my head that maybe it is an illness that the doctors have missed.

Would love to hear if anyone else relates to this?

Thank you 🙂

[Zeal]

Hi KittyCat,

Welcome to the forum!

I have also had a phobia of vomit since I was a child. I was diagnosed with OCD/anxiety a decade ago (at 13) by a psychiatrist. The vomit phobia ties in with my OCD fears of germs and illness. I understand how intense and frustrating a vomit phobia can be. I haven't actually thrown up since I was 14, so 9 years ago now! However, the idea of me vomiting is the most terrifying to me.

Though I still live with OCD, I am happy and healthy overall, and I thankfully have great emotional support from my parents, boyfriend and close friends. I have definitely experienced the lethargy/tiredness, 'brain fog' and sore muscles before (and still do), so you're not alone. Anxiety disorders are physically and mentally draining. I get knots of tightness in my muscles, especially in my lower back, shoulders and neck. Sometimes I'll get headaches or feel tired in the head as a result. I go through stages where I rarely get headaches from physical tension, and other times it bothers me more. A warm shower can help somewhat, as can massaging tight muscles with your hand (or convincing someone else to do it!). Though they can be expensive, remedial massage therapy is amazing for muscle tightness.

Your job sounds emotionally tough, but also rewarding I imagine. The fact that you were able to secure this job and have been working with cancer patients for a year is great, as having anxiety and a vomit phobia can make gaining healthcare roles difficult. GAD is thankfully quite responsive to psychological treatment/therapy, so definitely keep seeing your psychologist regularly.

Here is a great resource on GAD that you can save if you'd like a point of personal reference:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46

Thanks again for posting! It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[KittyCat17]

Hi Zeal,

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes vomit phobia is extremely frustrating... especially when I go through moments when I am like really it isn't that bad, its just a natural thing that happens to people, but then when I have symptoms all those thoughts go out the window. If I ever hear someone has been sick, like gastro or anything I immediately feel sick and think I will get it. If I eat something and my stomach feels a bit funny I think I will get food poisoning. I sometimes watch people preparing food or someone gives me some food and I dont know where it has come from and it freaks me out as I dont know if its safe to eat. I have had some pretty severe reflux issues which I think has been brought on by my fear of vomiting. I havent vomited in 16 years if you can believe it, haha. I was 11 then and still can remember vividly the details of that day. In fact, I remember the 6 times in my life that I have vomited so clearly - better than half my other memories. I think because I havent experienced the act of vomiting much it also makes it worse.

Yes my job is extremely rewarding and I do love working here but unfortunately I didn't think of the repercussions of working in such an environment and if anything it has extended my vomit phobia to health anxiety.

But yes definitely since seeing a psychologist has been helpful and we are just starting to get into the nitty gritty of my issues. Hopefully after continuing with a few more sessions I will start to feel a lot better.

Thank you once again for your reply and the link to the GAD resource Zeal, its always reassuring knowing that it isnt just me that feels like this - I really appreciate it 🙂

[pipsy]

Dear KittyCat17. With your fear of vomiting, which is extremely real to you, have you considered the possibility of perhaps PTSD somehow being a contributing factor. When we have severe trauma in our lives PTSD tends to take control causing all sorts of unpleasant reactions to unpleasant situations. Vomiting can be part of PTSD as the memory of the trauma can make you feel sick. The PTSD is triggered by the person you're associated with who is vomiting. I had aspirations of nursing when I was at school. However people who constantly vomited or tried to vomit, triggered such a violent reaction, the nurse idea was abandoned. I suffer with PTSD, whenever I see something which triggers the PTSD, I feel sick and cannot be associated with that person.

[Zeal]

Hey KittyCat,

Thanks for the positive feedback 🙂 Though having a vomit phobia can feel unusual, it's actually one of the more common phobias. The reflux issues would have played a part for sure. My younger sister had severe reflux as a toddler, and I have one particularly traumatic memory involving this. Like Pipsy mentioned, PTSD can accompany phobias/anxiety. A past psychologist, after hearing my description of past events involving vomit, said these vivid memories are indicative of PTSD, though I haven't been diagnosed with this. It's just helpful that I keep this in mind. As PTSD is a form of anxiety, it isn't uncommon for PTSD to accompany general anxiety, or in this case, phobias.

Wow, you haven't vomited in 16 years! It puts my 9 years to shame haha. I was 14 when I was last sick, and now I'm 23. If you don't mind me asking, do you have a partner? The reason I ask this is because I've found that being with my boyfriend can help me challenge my OCD and health-related anxiety. Sometimes though I will get anxious about his health when I don't need to. Because he is the only person I kiss (thus share saliva with, as gross as that is to type), I am aware that if he gets sick, so could I. He has had exhaustion about three times during the 1.5 years we've been together. He is the only person I know who gets physically sick when he is severely sleep-deprived. This isn't contagious obviously, and it isn't typical 'vomiting', but I still got really anxious. He is amazingly supportive and understanding, and I am really open with him about things.

I am so glad you are continuing to see your psychologist. That clinical interventions site also has a resource on health anxiety. I'll provide it in case you're interested: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=53

Thanks for talking about this!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[KittyCat17]

Hi Pipsy and Zeal,

Thank you for both your responses.

Pipsy- yes I think my fear of vomiting definitely developed because of two events in my childhood which involved vomit. I was on a 10 hour flight when I was 5 and and my brother threw up all over me which led to my mum trying to clean me up and the smell of vomiting lingering for the rest of the flight. THEN we had a four hour car trip.... low and behold he throws up on me again 30 mins into the trip. I think those experiences definitely effected me and I HATE flying and long car trips because of this. Although I am getting better with long car trips in my older years.

I know 16 years is a long time... and what most people try to tell me, just remember its been 16 years - I am sure this isnt the time you will, but of course my thoughts are well this could be the time I do.

Yes I have a very supportive boyfriend of 6 years. It took me a long time to admit the true extent of my phobia and my health anxiety to him but after admitting this to him, and only in full about a year ago, it has improve my well-being. Although when I first told him, it really came as no shock to him. He is definitely helping with my health anxiety as he is good at reassuring me that I dont have a life threatening illness and it probably is just my anxiety flaring up again. Funny thing is he vomits all the time, mainly if hes had a big night - for a long time I use to hate this and get extremely anxious around him, but over the years I've got use to it a bit, but that is mainly because I just know that it isnt contagious.

Anyway thank you for chat again Zeal and Pipsy- it just feels good writing all this out and thanks for the resource I will check it out 🙂