Hi all. I have a tendency to type a lot and I may have to type 2 post a but I feel like I need to get this out so please bear with me 🙂
background: I had been diagnosed with GAD in 2014. I wasn't surprised. I had always had some form of OCD or anxious worrying through out my life (particularly around health) but as horrible as it was at times, I was still always quite optimistic, positive and it never completely consumed me.. Until 2014. I was ina stressful relationship and was partying and drinking more than I should have. Not saying I was an alcoholic but hangovers would always make my anxiety worse so i was doing it to an extent where it was bothering me. One day after a night of drinking I had very scary panic attack and from then on I was just stuck in a scary cycle of constant panic. My concentration was horrible, couldnt stop thinking about anxiety what was wrong what if i have brain damage, I was always scared I was going insane, i felt trapped, that dreamlike scary feeling you experienced during a panic attack lingered (derealisation. This symptom, although harmless and caused from panic really scares me and just triggered a vicious cycle of more panic). I have had moments of that derealised feeling when I was a kid and was in a new place or when i panicked at times but I just sort of thought ' this feeling is weird' but wasn't scared of it. My anxiety was made worse a few months later with a cancer scare. Thankfully it was benign. I was so greatful that I thought I could beat this anxiety and panic. It took time but I just got back out there and with time, life made sense and everything felt good again with lots of hard work. I vowed to myself that I would never let myself feel like that again. Last year in May I had the same operation. It was smoother sailing until after. I had a severe reaction where the emergency hospital team was involved (so scary) I had real bad pain as a side effect, infection, i couldnt breathe they thought i had a blood clot in my lung, a month later they thought I needed heart surgery, trouble at work trouble at uni. It was a stressful few months. I could feel it building. A few weeks after my surgery, I had a bad panic attack and a relapse happened. This was mid June. I was so frustrated and angry. I couldn't believe that after all that hard work I was back in that head space! But this time, for the first time in my life I had negative hopeless thoughts and then depression...
