Anxiety worsening and I feel lost

[Guest_06474314]

I've been experiencing anxiety and depression since my teens (now 38) and have managed to keep at least a semblance of being functional (keeping job/friends etc) until recently.

At the start of the year I lost my dad (complicated relationship) then I recently lost my nan who was a big part of my life until dementia stole her away. During all this I have been dealing with my mum being diagnosed with alzheimers - having to put her into care (I'm her decision maker so literally carrying the guilt of putting her there) and my step dad suffering a medical crisis and requiring multiple surgeries. All the while being assessed for autism (per gp suggestion)

Throughout this it feels as if my anxiety just keeps building and building higher with barely any relief- I struggle leaving the house except for work and even then I have massive panic attacks on the way to work, I forget to take my medication as all this anxiety is causing fatigue. I can barely manage self care at all- feels as if I'm losing the self I was under all the stressors and anxiety.

I know I should see my gp- but the problem is I feel like I'm being 'weak' and taking up their time over this. I've tried telling my sister a little of what is going on- ie said I'm struggling visiting mum (she's recently become agressive/im called daily with issues as her ower of attorny) because anxiety is so bad and she responded that it's better I go in even if it makes me a 'bit uncomfortable ' as it deescalates her behaviour. 

But it's not just' a bit uncomfortable' - it's full on fear and panic, shaking,crying spiralling. At one point standing on the train platform contemplating bad options not because I wanted to hurt myself but just wanted a moment of peace/not being anxious.

I dont know how to get my sisters to understand this when they've never been this way- they get a little anxious but have never (as far as I'm aware) been to the level I am. They're outgoing, confident people compared to me.

I feel as if I keep going on this path it's not going to end well but don't know how to get out of this anxiety hole. 

[Asdfg_hjkl]

Hi there, this is my first time to post and I just joined the forum this morning. I hope what I say is right. Firstly, I was really sorry to read about your losses and the difficulties you are going through. It sounds really tough! 
from my perspective, reading your post, I think you have showed courage to share your story, and that equally seeking help from your GP is proactive, it is the opposite of weak in my humble opinion.

I don’t have any wise words of wisdom to offer you, as I joined the forum to see what I could do about my own anxiety 😊, but what I can tell you is that I listened and that you matter. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort and reach out for support (that takes bravery in my opinion). Take care

[Toby]

Hello, You & I have many similar symptoms, and I can see that you feel much the way I do in many respects. Anxiety is just the worst thing isn't it. I think you should see your GP to get a referral to a psychiatrist who will be able to reassure you that you are not alone & prescribe some medication to help you, although I must say that medication hasn't helped me much to date, but you have to keep trying so I'm going to try different medication. I haven't told many people, but I have told my sister & my daughter, & of course my wife who bears the brunt of my feelings. So I reckon you should see your GP asap, & go from there. I agree with you that maybe (but I'm no expert) people don't realize how traumatic anxiety can be, unless they've suffered it long term themselves. 

[Annas1]

Hello Guest,

I can really feel all that you have conveyed in your post and my heart goes out to you. You are working so hard to 'keep the show running' and you have such good intentions. But it is too big a task - your body and your emotions are saying 'Time!' - you need to pause and take stock in order to take care of yourself. It seems a part of you already knows this but might be struggling with feeling justified in listening to your own needs. Trust me, listening to ourselves is essential to staying well and reducing overwhelm.

It's very easy for me to be so certain in responding to your circumstances but I know it's extremely hard to act on this advice. I have been in a very similar set of life circumstances - about a decade ago - and the feeling I had was of being obliged to meet the needs and expectations of everyone else even while it meant sacrificing my own wellbeing - mental and physical. I certainly had external pressures to conform/perform/serve, but there was also a very powerful inner compulsion to 'do the right thing', please others and neglect my own needs and feelings. If I could advise my younger self with the clarity I have now, I would use more energy to protect myself and assert my needs while acknowledging the needs and pressures for others. I would resist being the fix for the whole situation. No one person should be expended for the needs or wishes of others. Care of elders needs to be a shared responsibility, which includes formal care options as well. There is no shame in drawing a limit on what you can do for others. In fact, it's healthy and realistic.

In a similar vein, I wonder if undervaluing your own needs is holding you back from seeking the help you need at the moment. There are no comparisons here - your needs are legitimate and you are being a responsible person in pursuing the right support. I also think that a long gp appointment would be a good first step in working out how best to treat the anxiety and depression you are feeling. It is a good place to discuss whether medication could be useful, whether a referral is advised and what other supports are available.

In critical times our first duty is to our own wellbeing. Encourage yourself to take the first step in getting the support you need. Take good care.