Anxiety why must you consume me

[tannat]

Standard Saturday night; sitting at home alone staring at the walls. I should be at an event, an event that would literally have been probably one of the best nights I've had in a while yet my social anxiety decided to put a stop to all the fun.

 I've had social anxiety since I was about 14 (29 now). Now, to add to this I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD. So, it is like a double whammy. I struggle to leave the house on a good day, and on a bad day well.. 

 I honestly do not know what to do anymore. I know where my social anxiety stems from; my weight. I am overweight.. and then some. Losing weight is hard.. but hating myself is harder. I avoid looking in the mirror at all costs. I literally cry at the sight of myself. I don't know how I got to the point that I hate myself so much. I can't even get a job because I am terrified to walk into the office/building. I start sobbing at the thought of it. And it all stems down to how I look. I am ashamed. I don't feel worthy of anything. And, worst of all I have no friends. I have one family member. I basically have no one. I honestly feel if I vanished, no one would even notice, or care. I forget what it feels like to be loved, or needed. I feel like an empty vessel. It scares me that this is going to be my existence; that I am going to just live this lonely, worthless anxieety ridden life.

I have seen psychologists, I have been on medication, off medication, natural remedies.. self-help groups, meet up groups, social anxiety meetings, hypnotherapy... hell I have even see a psychic! I just feel like this is my destiny, and I really don't want it to be. I was okay for a few years, but I relapsed about 2 years ago now and it has been this downward spiral. I feel like I am at the bottom of a big, deep well and can see the light but it is getting further and further away. 

Anyone.. is this my life? How do I change it? How do I change it when I have sought out every single avenue that I can possibly think of? 

The saddest part about all this, for me, is that the only way I can talk to someone is by finding an online community. Having no one is really messing with me, just as much as me hating myself. 

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Tannat,

You are not alone.

This doesn't have to be your life. I know this is tough, I know you feel lost and alone, I know it's hard. But you can do this, I promise you can do this.

Do you live with anyone or are you home alone?
If you think that working on your weight will make you feel better then maybe the first thing to do is start working on it at home. Have you thought about doing some yoga? Get a mat, find some instructions on youtube and make a start. Even if its slow going to start with, yoga is also good for your well being, its relaxing.

I know you struggle to get out of the house, but do you think you'd be able to walk? With your relative maybe? Can you borrow someone's dog, walking a dog is great cause you can talk to them and they keep your brain occupied.

There is a thread on here under "staying well" that gets you to write 3 things you are thankful for each day. Maybe thats another thing to try. Finding positives in life is important.

Are you currently on any medication? It might be that you also haven't found the right one. Would it be worth having a discussion with your GP?

And please don't feel like coming on here is some sort of sign of failure. I think you'll find that this forum can be a positive place for you.

[white knight]

Hi Tannat, a warm welcome

I have some hope for you. I hope I can help.

My similarities are a few. I'm overweight (130kgms) and have had anxiety. I have depression, dysthymia and bipolar 2. My wife has depression. I'm 59yo). So lets see how we go.

In 1982 I attended a motivation lecture that changed my life. The details are written in this article I wrote some time ago- Google this

"Topic: 30 minutes can change your life - beyondblue"

So in 1987 I suffered a severe workplace issue and had a panic attack originally diagnosed as having a heart attack...at 31yo. My positive thinking from that lecture got me through the early days. I commenced muscle tensioning exercises (they are effective) and made some tough decisions like moving to the country, removing toxic people from my life and sort more relaxed employment.

In 2012 I really felt my anxiety had gone in total. A long time yes but could be shorter for many out there as I did have high stressed workplaces. I still do the MTE's every night before sleeping.

Another thing I picked up on is spiritual relaxation. I follow the youtube vids of Prem Rawat Maharaji and his best video is "sunset". Try googling that and have a listen. It's non religious and he teaches great principles. Another of my fav's is "the perfect instrument". As Maharaji states "only you have the key to the inner self, the key to that door". You might not realise it but you do. In your case you need to start reading a lot in these pages of our forum, a few a night to cover all topics. For you with social anxiety it is better IMO to stay clear of groups that have their negative impact on the socially anxious.

Other topics covered by my articles that could help are- (put Topic: at the beginning and beyondblue at the end)

eg Topic: depression, is there any positive? -beyondblue

Meditation- words of wisdom, it helped me for 25 years

Being positive- what's the secret?

Seeking the origin of anxiety

What life can be like at the end of the tunnel

Realism, you are what you are- it's your nature

Depression and physical restrictions

Confidence- how do you get it?

Ostracised- who's fault is it?

Inexpensive recovery idea- camping

Overweight, or over worry?

You are most welcome to post here anytime. We have a great community here.

Tony WK

[HelenM]

Hi TannatI mmight be wrong here but I think that your weight is the focus of your anxiety.  I have very low self esteem and always have despite there being no cause. At 16 boyfriends became my big issue, in childhood I was very happy. All the boys I fell in love with dumped me and and the boring ones loved me.  I am pretty, slim. I did however have a biggish nose with a bump in it. I decided to reinvent myself. I paid to have my nose done (this was1979, very unusual). I called myself by middle name, dyed my hair, started dressing like a hippie and gave up my job to do psychiatric nurse training. Sorted! But so very much not sorted. It was horrible l going to this nurses home.  15 on the course and me ignored cos iIwas so scared. I could write loads about that year. Horrible x 365days. That beautiful face got me nowhere

. I ddid get married to a guy I loved, had two children and was almost happy for a few years.  But that low self esteem was waiting in the wings. It was heartless and there was less and less peace in my head. To be quick. I was worthless. Adored my kids. Their lives could only be awful because I was their mum. I worried. Imagined horror eg. Whenever I opened the garage I was afraid iIwould find my daughter hanging there. Terrible times. Terrible, terrible times. Over about15 or more years I unwittingly abused my mind. 41 yr old.  14 years ago. My mind gave up. The suffering I have experienced since then has been huge.

Things have improved but even now the suffering is so hard at times. I hhelp in a charity shop. I am chatty, pretty, well liked but longing for peace. 

Ifeel so sorry for you. The agony of mental illness is indescribable. I really hope my words help a little. I really hope that others read this and understand because I feel sorry for me too and all of us who know this pain. Take ccare,  helen. I'm going to cry for you and me now. 

[Guest_1055]

Dear tannat

I want to just hug you, because I care about you, and you seem to speak my language.

I know what it is like to feel trapped inside your house. For me I was even unable to walk outside to the letterbox. I was frightened that the neighbours would see me.

I also know about the shame feeling you are having in regards to how you look. A fear that people are looking down at me. For me, I just want to cover up and hide away somewhere. I think I felt this shame, because society seems to say we are only beautiful if we look a certain way. Well that was the lie that I believed, and I do still struggle with this blaring out lie.

Well I just wanted to say hello to you, and tell you..... you are not alone.

The deep well that you are in, sounds a bit like my wall. My wall was too tall to climb over and too thick to bust through. It was love that reached over and extended a gentle hand, and all I had to do, was grasp on. So perhaps it is the same for you. And you may be even trying  to reach out now, because you posted here, on beyond blue. There is people that care, don't let go.

With many ,many hugs to you

Shelley xxxx

[HelenM]

Shelley and Tannat   I m sorry. I think I have offended you. Perhaps I can have no idea of your problems and I know that can feel like an insult 

.Sometimes you think you can help and you hinder and all I can do is apologise Helen.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Helen 

Even though this is not my thread, I wanted to reply to you, so I hope that is OK?

You know...... I just read through your reply post to Tannat. And to be truthful, I did not see any words that even sound offensive. So please ,please be re assured of this. All I saw was love shining through, love and concern for Tannat. xxx