Anxiety - scared of society/how to function?/how does one 'work'?/communicate? history of psychosis

[Simona]

I will start by saying that I am 42 with 3 children and a defacto of 13 years.  I will also say that I have been very fortunate to date that I had not 'had' to work so therefore have been doing the housewife role and am alone through the day in the silence (i don't like noise except bird noise) except when I have to go collect mail or do Safeway.  This is okay.  The Jehovas visit sometimes and give me more stuff to read (I'm not into religion myself but I feel sorry for them. What brings me here is that I am getting kind of bored.  I feel I should do something like paid work but people are scary. Mostly adults because children are fine and much more fun to be around plus they say it how it is.

But how does one start?   Between the ages of 17 to 25 I was sick with schizophrenia so i have no proper work history. I  was mostly supported by my parents and boyfriends . When i did work it was in the adult sector and i was told that that doesn't count as work experience so there are huge gaps in my old resume.   Should i just make up stuff and fill it in like colouring book?    I don't know what to do.  In one way i feel ready to join society but in another way....

Partner just wants me to be happy. I think perhaps if i am functioning normally/counting out the right change and not hurting myself or anyone maybe it's ok - i will be ok to work in normal job but i do admit when i get angry i can loose control easily like with the Iphone tracking device. I drove over it and then i felt really smug because i killed it. Now for me; this is normal ok. As is talking to bees which my mother argues is not the same as talking to the family dog or seeing faces on the bathroom wall while i shower. Lastly i want to say i don't take pills unless I'm in agony because i don't trust pharma for myself. For family members it's different. Also after having been put on stuff earlier it killed all my creative verve. It was like being emotionally castrated. 

[Simona]

Ok. Something more to mention: I strive to be always* friendly no matter how terrified inside. Some days when I am at my manic best I purposefully go out with the idea of engaging in some small talk with a person. If I see something attractive about that person I compliment them on it with a smile because people love nice things said to them.  Except men. I don't compliment them because you don't do that

When I am manic like tonight I feel high almost europhic. It's hard to explain otherwise. If you didn't know me you may think I am 'on' something.   The opposite to this high is this feeling of utter numbness like I am here but not really here. Like I said to my mum: some of us are already ghosts I think.   During those times I tend to find bruises over my body from having accidently hurt myself but have no recollection of how.

Anyway. I think that is all for now 🙂

[white knight]

Hi Simona, welcome

We with these mental illness issues often don't know what is common/normal at all. I think your post reflected this.

Your resume- how often do bosses receive resume's that aren't true in fact? Many. How many? More than 50% I think. So what is normal? Normal is twisting your resume to fill in the blanks. Many put "travelled around a bit" etc.

You said "In one way i feel ready to join society but in another way....". Another issue we have is IMO over rating our abilities. We think we can rejoin the workforce or society in a larger way....only to fall in a heap over the short term. I am constantly reviewing my thinking myself in this regard. I'm always wanting to join a local group to "do my bit" but I know as soon as I do I'll be spoken to in a manner that will hurt deep. I hate the bossy types or the untactful.

So the answer might be in small doses. A part time or casual position that wont be such a challenge. A job that you can do in busy times at a café for example. Too busy to talk to customers for lengthy periods but busy enough for your boss to justify your employment. Just an idea.

Some people work from home being sellers for auctioning sites. Or making items and selling at markets. You are then working alone.

I wish to praise you for your tenacity in posting here with your problem. You are welcome anytime.

Lucky you have such a supportive hubby.

Tony WK

[Simona]

Thanks Mr White Knight for wise advice 🙂    I am a very reputable seller on an auctioning site so I do make some lolly money when I'm not spending it on more bags.  I  like to visit op shops because I love the thrill of the find and am constantly recycling wardrobe etc. Also I am big on photography and have a a keen interest in spiders, snakes and small creatures. I like to capture small things like ants attacking a caterpillar - action photos plus taking shots of bones/dead things because depending on the light/angle it turns into art.

The resume thing : it is a huge mental drain. So many words and blah blah blah. It is sad to think we as human beings have to spend so much time compiling, storing and transferring  data and then we just die.   One of my problems is that I have about 3 proper references and old at that. Because that was a long time ago and the people are probably dead now anyway.   Not many people knew of me because each year I would reinvent myself (diff names) and would just hitchhike around and not shower enough/wash hair mum said that but in all fairness I didn't always have use of bathroom) and raid parent's house for chicken or maybe money that was left out incase I turned up.  My mum was sad but for me life was good because the world was magical and full of adventures and I could lie under the sky staring up at the clouds trying to read them like one would read tea leaves and I had no forms to fill in. Maybe she thought I was in pain but I wasn't 🙂   They were all wrong.

[Simona]

Umm ok. I really don't know how that happened but trust me I'm not tripping out lol - maybe my typing is too fast??

I shall quit now to save myself further embarrassment ...

bye

[Simona]

Oh phew. Thank-you God/Moderator . Crooked transmission is now corrected and aligned and all is well in my world 🙂    

[white knight]

Hi Simona

Well one thing you don't lack is personality. You have it in spades.

Your photography sounds astounding. Creativity is a positive for those with mental illness. And I don't know what I'd do without my poetry. Mind you the better my meds the less I write.

 Resumes- Once you have a resume you should have it on your computer and update it when you need to.

Anyway, prospective employers will pick who they want regardless of qualifications. Best of luck there.

Tony WK

[Simona]

Aww thanks for saying all those nice things 🙂  because....

well I have been feeling kind of paranoid today so your post made me smile ha. Mainly about how other's perceive me because..i guess I'm one of those people who says something and then the room goes kind of quiet and I really don't like that because it's rude. 

I like coming here because I feel I can be myself 🙂   in real life keeping up appearances is draining me. I have different faces for different people. It gets tricky

I should post more of my poems/quotes.   I haven't even read right through the poetry thread yet but I endeavour to do so - nice to meet another who loves poetry 🙂     In particular I admire the works of Anne Sexton almost to the point of being fanatical but I will save the rest for the poetry thread.

I am toying with the idea of perhaps doing a course - I can imagine myself helping other's but not in a busy café setting because that is too much.   Maybe SES because I'm pretty "hands on"  or ...Drug & Alcohol worker.  I can do 1 on 1 but not crowd

[Simona]

How is it possible to lose so much weight within a week?   I'm still on that happy high just tired now

[white knight]

Hi Simona,

Ways to lose lots of weight within a week,

wear less clothing, liposuction, take artificial things off (dentures, hearing aids), fill your pockets up before you weigh yourself the week before or carry your dog,  hold onto a bench while weighing, cant think of any more....:)

Tony WK