Anxiety/re-living childhood Trauma

[JulieS101]

Hey all, I am in my early 20s and I briefly went off anti-depressants I had been on since age 15. This has put me in a very bad state and I have started to go back on them (literally) today. I am not sure if this is why I am feeling this way but I seem to be reliving a traumatic 6 months of my life. 

When I was 14 my dad decided he couldn't live with my family anymore and left abruptly. This left my mother devastated and was extremely stressful for an already anxious child like me. Through the 6 months, my parents communicated and I saw my dad however both of my parents were struggling and this took a toll on me as I am the eldest child and I saw it as my responsibility to care for their mental wellbeing. Both parents though generally supportive did have their moments that were genuinely upsetting for me to experience/witness. 

Eventually, they worked it out and got back together and since I have always worried that they would separate again however I went on medication and was able to handle this fear. Throughout my later adolescence, I almost blocked out a lot of the memories or if they came to me I would distract myself, now as I am turning 20 this year the memories are rapidly coming back to me and I am even remembering things that I had forgotten. I am feeling far more anxious and stressed than ever (since the separation) and I am consistently worried the same thing will happen again. I am writing this today as today my dad was snappy and sarcastic with my mum which has led me to feel extremely anxious all day and through the day memories of those 6 months have been flooding my brain. My parents have been fighting a little more than usual lately which does not help and I spiral whenever they fight. 

I am just curious if anyone has any advice on how to cope with this/knows what I am experiencing (I know it's anxiety in one way or another but I have never experienced such vivid and consistent flashbacks). I can't move out as I am a student and wouldn't be able to afford it and for the most part, I like my parent's company. However, this is taking a significant toll on my mental health. If anyone has any advice or could share their own experiences I would really appreciate it 🙂 

[chociloni]

This is all worry. You still aren't over the situation between your parents. There isn't anything you can do about the actions of your parents. It has nothing to do with you, you are still loved, you didn't make them separate. It's a hurt / fear of yours that you're still holding onto. It's grief, do you have a therapist you can talk this through with? Be kind to yourself, and leave the hurt in the past. You are strong. 

[chociloni]

I also believe coming off anti depressants brings old stuff back up. It happened to me recently when I tapered off one med and tried another. The new one did not work, I had a horrendous time and then went back on the old one. I'm now stable on the old one but the process of it I noticed I revisited old stuff from the past, which normally I don't focus on. I seemed to be all clingy to situations and people from my past and was looking to them for answers for stuff. Kinda weird.

Also it's good that you can target the actual event that caused your trauma. Some people walk around like a zombie thinking their distressed state is just their bad mental health, and don't realise until they've uncovered it in therapy that their feelings stem from their past trauma. 

[JulieS101]

Hey, I don’t have a therapist atm. The one I used to see is expensive but he knows my history and I was comfortable with him. Now that I am not a kid my parents don’t pay for therapy so may need to go to a free one at Uni. Thanks for the reply 🙂

[JulieS101]

This is good to know. I don’t think I will come off again until I am full time working and living away from home. Which is about 2.5 years from now. 

[Beth_123]

Hi JulieS101,

I'm sorry to hear about the difficult time you are going through right now. It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of anxiety and flashbacks related to your parents' separation when you were younger. It's not uncommon for traumatic events from the past to resurface when we are going through a difficult time or experiencing changes in our lives.

One thing that may be helpful for you is to find a therapist who can help you work through these memories and emotions in a safe and supportive environment. They can teach you coping skills to manage your anxiety and help you process the trauma you experienced. It's important to prioritize your mental health and seek out professional help if you need it.

In addition, self-care practices such as exercise, mindfulness, and spending time with supportive friends or family members can also be helpful in managing anxiety and stress. It's important to remember that you are not responsible for your parents' mental health, and it's okay to set boundaries for yourself in order to protect your own wellbeing.

Remember that healing from trauma is a process, and it's okay to take the time you need to heal and prioritize your own needs. Take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to reach out for help if you need it.

[JulieS101]

Hey Beth, Yes I most likely will see a therapist to work through this. Thank you for your reply I appreciate it 🙂