Anxiety/Paranoia in relationship

[Rardi]

I need help!

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and through this time have not spent any more than 5 days apart at a time. I have just returned from an 8 week work stint in a remote location. We kept in contact each day when possible and was great all up untill my mind started playing tricks on me. My wife works hard at work and at home looking after our kids and everything else she does. She decided to go out with a few friends females and males for a few drinks, I didn’t know about it until I spoke to my kids on the phone that night, I immediately started thinking the worst. I didn’t act on it at this stage. Then the week later I was in the phone to her and she got an accidental message from a work friend who had had a few drinks not anything that was directed at making a pass at her or anything however the subject was a little inappropriate she was open and honest to me about it we had a bit of a laugh the next day I find out she had a call out for work after hours and I wasn’t aware she was taking call outs at this stage (they aren’t compulsory to attend) I stated that she need not do call outs as the kids need to be at home as it was a school night. She got her back up immediately getting defensive saying she had sorted the kids and she had looked after them the whole time I was away (I was still away at this point) so my initial reaction was to think the worst that she was having an affair etc not directly insinuating it to her how ever me questioning her about her choice to take a call out rather then get the kids home sparked a large reaction. My explaining I don’t like how she has more close friends that are males than females to me it seems she has more fun socially with them then me. 
Am I being reasonable thinking the worst when her communication wasn’t the best not letting me know what was happening and then accused me of being controlling and manipulating for asking questions. Or am I being over the top paranoid and anxious not being able to navigate the situation from afar or is she right am I controlling and manipulating for just wanting to be kept in the loop as to what’s happen Not only with her but with the kids?

[Croix]

Dear Rardi~

I'd like to welcome you here to Forum, a place where you might hear perspectives from others.

You are in a situation you have not had to face before. Never having been apart for more than a few days in 12 years, and now having to spend 8 weeks away. As a result you are having to deal with jealousy and trust problems you did not before.

I doubt that trying to keep detailed tracks of what your wife is doing is going to be helpful. Quite the reverse it could be seen as lack of trust and wanting to be controlling. This could be particularly be the case if you try to discourage her from seeing males.

I guess you have to remember it is the same situation for your wife, being parted from you for that lenght of time. It may well be a strange and lonely expereince. As a result she may behave differently and fill her hours with call-outs or socializing with colleagues.

She does have to trust you too.

Croix

[Rardi]

Thankyou for your reply it has been a hard time. And I know she also needed to vent and have her breaks also the issue for me is that she chose to have those socialising times with other guys. I have always seen that as a bit of a weird scenario when your married to go and socialise with the opposite sex eg: I never go out drinking with women unless I have my wife with me just a respect thing I have and it stops any rumours starting if you get me. Maybe it’s just me having insecurities within myself I don’t know? 
I know deep down she wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise what we have but actions speak louder then words we are supposed to be able to communicate about anything and I feel some times she is secretive and picks and chooses when to do that maybe to protect my feelings I don’t know, I’ve never asked her to give a details record of where she is at or what’s she is doing just a courtesy call/message saying kids are sorted I’m going out with some friends or I’m working late kids are organised. 
I can see how it could seem controlling but how do I stop my feelings of jealousy or paranoia that she is being secretive at time.

i by no means and putting everything on her I have told her that it has been challenging for me being away from the family and being isolated with no friends or family around to get support off, majority is probably mostly my issues just a bit of reassurance would have helped my headspace maybe I don’t know I’m so confused 

[Croix]

Dear Rardi~

I'm not sure there is much you can actually do to make yourself feel more secure, a pity as it is a most unpleasant sensation

Certainly you can raise the matter with your wife, perhaps more from the point of view that you have a failing in worrying excessively.

Perhaps also ask her what she thinks  and what she would like to do when she needs a break.

It may simply be happenstance your wife prefers the company of males to females. She may feel more comfortable in their presence. It's a similar thing in my own relationship, as outside I do seem to get on  better with women than my own sex. It does not mean anything is going to come of it.

I'd expect the best plan is to give freedom, do nothing and not make comments or requests. Just let things go - even though that might seem almost impossible - and see what happens. Over time you will get a good idea about things and hopefully there will be nothing to worry about.

In the meantime you might be able to take your mind off things with a program I use called Smiling Mind. With practice (yes, like many good things it takes practice) it works very well at breaking chains of anxious thoughts and leaves me much calmer. It is free and has exercises of all sorts of people.

I hope all works out well

Croix