Anxiety over seeing psychologist

[_bethy94]

Hi all,
I've decided it's time to see a psychologist over some issues that have bubbled to the surface surrounding some trauma I have experienced. I disassociated myself from who I am and used Twitter under an alias (stupid of me, I know) as escapism. I wasn't ready to confront my trauma and being on Twitter instantaneously took me somewhere else and I could forget who I am and 'be' something else. I interacted with like minded people and was away from reality, escapism as previously mentioned. This type of coping mechanism in hindsight was not practical or realistic and I feel extremely stupid and am being really hard and judgemental on myself, now that I've removed myself from the platform. No wrongdoing occurred, I just spoke to my "friends" about sport, current affairs, politics, TV shows etc. Twitter is full of anonymous accounts. It a great platform if you want to discuss and post about topics without showing yourself, but I did it for the wrong reasons - to run and not confront what I had been through.
Although ironically I feel better being off the platform and reconnecting with my true self since deleting Twitter, I've had (call it irrational if you will) on/off spells of anxiety. "What if people on there find out my identity?" "What if I get humiliated?" "What if they come after me?" Twitter is deleted and I don't know how they could, I guess it's just the anxiety talking.
I'm anxious seeing a psychologist because I'm scared I will be judged and feel humiliated about it. I know it's their job to listen and not to judge, but the anxiety is telling me it will still happen.


Any advice?

[geoff]

Hi Bethy, and thanks for posting your comment.

I'm sorry for what you have had to cope with in this trauma you have mentioned and pretending to be someone else and how you feel is not uncommon as it's something that I did for several weeks until I realised it was time to get the help I needed.

Psychologists are there to help you and if you can do a couple of things before you see them would help both you and them to understand what you are suffering from.

Click on 'The Facts' (above) and scroll down until you see K-10, it's a depression test, try and do it several times, not one after the other, but different times and days, then keep these scores, while you can also write down on some paper how you are feeling and what you are worried about, then take these with you to your doctor and then psychologist.

Ask your doctor about the 'mental health plan', this entitles to 10 Medicare paid sessions to see your psych.

Please don't worry about doing any of this, if you need help then it's best for you to start and remember we are here to help you along.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Alexlisa]

Hello Bethy94.

It sounds like you’re having a tough time and I can hear you’re being very hard on yourself. Firstly, regarding Twitter there would be millions of anonymous accounts. I think the vast majority would be anonymous and in a way that’s what the platform has been built for - so people can have their opinions heard freely. In some ways it is a very honest way to express yourself because you don’t need to worry about what people in your real life will think of what you have to say. My account is anonymous and I find it freeing to be more open.

But I understand that you’re finding this troublesome and feel you’ve been using it to run away. Anything we do that distracts us too much from real life can be damaging. Some people drink, some overexercise, lots of people these days over-focus on social media. When you find the time spent on Twitter is getting in the way of living life then it might be time to have a look at what’s going on for you that’s causing it. And it sounds like you have been able to do that.

The thing with trauma is that you can only face it when you feel ready. Perhaps until this point a distraction like Twitter is exactly what you’ve needed so that your brain can have a break and process quietly in the background. I’ve recently started dealing with a past trauma in therapy and it took me years to acknowledge it, and then months to talk about it. Even now I find after a session with my psychologist I then come home and need the rest of the day to ‘tune out’. I lie mindlessly in front of the tv for hours, just so my brain can feel some peace after the session. I used to feel bad about this, but I’ve realised it’s part of the processing work. My brain is telling me it’s had enough for now and needs to regroup and ground itself.

I think it sounds like you’re making good process. Deciding to see a psychologist is a great and brave thing. Mine has been fantastic in helping me understand how trauma works, as well as being a fantastic emotional support. I think having that support from a psychologist you feel comfortable with is crucial because a loss of trust plays such a big role in our traumas. In terms of being judged by her, you know logically that’s unlikely, but I hear your worry. My psychologist is the least judgemental person I’ve ever met. She takes in everything I say, no matter how embarrassing or shameful I find it, and helps me to work through it. Please don’t let this worry stop you from getting help.

Take care

Alexlisa

[_bethy94]

Hi Geoff, thanks so much for your input.

Glad to hear from someone who has also been through it that escaping from yourself isn't uncommon, I've also read on numerous articles that it's one of the most common practices people with low self esteem and painful experiences pursue.

Good advice re the K-10 test, I scored fairly high on it this morning (although woke up feeling quite down) so doing it numerous times as you said should give me a gauge on any mood patterns - good information for the psychologist to work with. It's my intention to get a mental health plan - I'm just working up the courage to speak up to my doctor about it. I think once I break that barrier the psychologist part will seem less intimidating. Step by step process.

I appreciate your support.

[_bethy94]

Hi Alexlisa, thank you for your words.

Definitely being extremely hard on myself. I would say it's the anxiety fuelling those types of thoughts. As we know Twitter is full of people who don't show their real identity and it's more or less the only social media platform allowing you to hide your identity. Even though those rational thoughts come to mind, the anxiety kicks in and tells me to punish myself for being 'dishonest' even though dishonesty or deception was never the intention, just escapism from what I'd been through over the last few years. I feel if I stop punishing myself, bad karma will occur and somehow it will find a way to embarrass me. Punishing myself in my mind (by going over and over my Twitter decisions in my head) will protect me from bad karma because I'm showing the 'universe' I'm making myself accountable and I'm not without a conscience. Irrational I know, I just don't know how to break the fear of bad karma coming along if I stop punishing myself.

Punishing myself to the extent of not treating myself to any retail therapy even though there are basic things I do need, eating only minimal amounts (admittedly lost my appetite lately), hardly wanting to leave the house because I don't deserve to go anywhere and have a happy day etc. I'm self aware enough to know this doesn't help me recover and break the cycle, but amazingly I can't stop that mindset at the moment. The mind is a funny thing!

I think what you've said about the brain processing things slowly is spot on. Twitter being the vehicle for that. As well as TV for you as you mentioned.

I hope I find a psychologist as understanding as non judgemental as yours - I'm happy you have a great relationship with yours. I once referred my friend to a great one he loved, based off a recommendation from a family friend in the field. So when I ask my GP for a mental health plan (that's one hurdle to overcome in itself) I'll more than likely ask to be referred to that practice.

Thank you for your support.

[geoff]

Hi Bethy, thanks for getting to us and we're always happy to know how you are going, and please know that you always have support here.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[_bethy94]

Thanks Geoff! Appreciated.

[_bethy94]

Hi everyone,

Following on my first post, I've been battling anxiety and intrusive thoughts for the past 2 weeks. I was a victim of sexual assault and wasn't ready to deal with it while it was fresh, so essentially I disassociated from myself and used Twitter as an escapism technique while I was still grappling with the low self esteem and other vulnerable feelings associated with what I'd been through. I've been majorly beating myself up over using various alias' over Twitter, even though I didn't do anything wrong on the website, I had 3 different anon account where I spoke about different sports and other topics - it seems extremely irrational to me now that I've broken that cycle and removed myself off the platform, ready to confront my trauma.

My intrusive thoughts over the past few days seem to worsen when I go to bed and it is impacting on my sleeping patterns. Thoughts like "what if Twitter reveal information to the people I interacted with and somehow its traced back to me? (even though I handed out none of my details or phone number) "what if my family and friends find out and they think I'm a freak?" Again, how? Does twitter have authority to hand out information? Do they need to adhere to privacy acts? Even though again, I didn't hand out MY personal info, what if in some twisted act of fate it's traced to me? This must be the anxiety talking - but those types of thoughts have been niggling at me. I explained it to my doctor and she said it's actually a normal way people process

trauma - even though I'm hard on myself.
I saw my GP and have a mental health plan in place to help tackle this, just waiting on a psychology practice to call me back so I can book my first appointment.

I feel back to my normal self apart from the intrusive thoughts holding me back. Now that I'm extremely introspective and very self aware of my feelings again (pulled myself out of the disassociation), I can't believe I ever used twitter?

What are some ways I can cope with night time anxious thoughts?

[_bethy94]

Hi everyone, thanks for your ongoing support

I was sexually assaulted in 2018. While it was still raw I wasn't ready to speak to anyone so I kept it in and pretended it never happened. My self esteem was at rock bottom and I felt genuinely worthless. Instead of going on a drug or alcohol binge, for some reason during the fight/flight response I took to Twitter as a form of disassociation from myself and a means of escapism. When I was tweeting, I was in an alternate reality. After speaking to my GP and family/close friends about it, they reassured me that that form of disassociation is one of the most common ways of coping with a traumatic event. A counsellor on Beyond Blue's 1800-RESPECT line said the same. Since a moment of realisation a few weeks ago, I took myself off the platform as I realised it was not a practical, or effective long term means of recovery - it would only prolong the internalisation. I'm proud of myself for knowing this.

The issue is (and what I've been beating myself up over) is that I had 3 different accounts. When I think about it I hate myself for it, despite the ongoing reassurance I did nothing wrong. I didn't scam anyone, I didn't gain anything financially, etc (all I gained was stress!) - but I used each profile to talk about different things sport/politics/etc. 2 accounts were an alias and one of the accounts I took a random name off Facebook and it had an anon picture (a sporting logo) until I started to see murmurs of people talking about fake profiles, so in the heat of the moment I took a photo of that person and placed it temporarily on the page to 'verify' it. I was automatically uneasy about it so I managed to get my page suspended and it's no longer up, nor do I EVER have any intentions of going back on that platform again. All those events made me realise that method of escapism was not practical OR logical

A fear is that this person will know an account was made with their name? Even though one of their pictures was only up very briefly, it may not have looked like it to them and maybe a twitter troll facebook messaged the person? What if I'm somehow tracked down? Those fears have constantly been in my head and I'm trying to think of ways to counteract it before I see my counsellor

Should I privately message that person and ask if we could briefly meet up to talk and I tell them the entire story? I'm not FB friends with this person. Thoughts?