Anxiety over past actions and trauma (Strong Content)

[CHNN]

Hi everyone,

I was very hesitant to post anything here because even the idea of discussing my problems is giving me anxiety. I have been suffering severe anxiety for several months (I have had anxiety and depression for most of my life) including anxiety attacks and strong, intrusive thoughts. I was bullied for most of high school and in year 9 when I was pushed by one of these bullies I snapped and assaulted him with a weapon. Afterwards I was sent from the police station to mental health suicide watch for 3 days. I have been able to move on with my life more or less but my anxiety over the event has resurfaced recently.

I was sentenced to probation and counselling but I could never reconcile the event or how I really feel about what happened. I wish I could of sworn at him or stood up for myself, anything other than attacking him. I have anxiety about thinking about how I SHOULD think about the incident. The event was mentioned in the local paper and a news article is still online. I have intrusive thoughts and compulsions about reading the article or otherwise searching for information about the event. I tell myself that I shouldnt feed my compulsion but another part tells me I should read it. Which gives me more anxiety.

I have suffered with anxiety, depression, autism and suicide attempts my entire life. In a perfect world I would like to seek treatment, but I have had bad experiences with useless psychologist and medication that has given me side affects. I have no support network, my father is suffering bad PTSD and my mother has anxiety, I feel like telling them about my problems will only exacerbate theirs, and that's the last thing they need.

Thank You for reading, I hope that any answers given in this page could also help others.

[Croix]

Dear CHNN~

Welcome here to the Form, it is a friendly place and has people here with all sorts of troubles -something that tends to make people more understanding and often kinder too.

A fair number of people get bullied at school, and unfortunately many bullies form packs for mutual courage.

The person picked on not only has a most miserable time, but it can affect them to the extent they remain despising themselves and expecting 2nd best all their lives. The injury simply keeps on after the attacks have stopped.

You fought back, you did it when pushed too far for too long. That's important. The fact you used a weapon might not have been the wisest move, but under pressure who plans coolly ahead? You do what you have to with whatever means were at hand

Already having a mental condition, depression, anxiety and OCD will simply have made things worse, and feeling you wanted to take your life in what seemed a hopeless situation understandable

You got a rap on the knuckles from the court as a juvenile -not really a big thing. If you were someone that always resorted to violence it might be different.

That mistake (picking up the weapon) has come to dominate your thoughts, not for any useful reason, but as a set of unwanted thoughts that keep on coming

OK, now the bit you are going to find hard is this. The illnesses you suffer together with the suicidal thoughts are not things you can cure or get rid of by yourself. I have had all but the OCD and found I simply got worse until I has competent medical help from people I got on with and trusted -ones that listened to me.

So far you have been unlucky and not found any. They exist, my GPs and my psychiatrists have all been excellent, they have brought me to a life where killing myself is no longer a danger, I work and get satisfaction, have a wonderful partner and we have been in love for many years, plus I'm a parent.

So can I suggest you keep plugging away at finding a suitable medical team, so proper treatment can start?

I find the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) good to talk to when one is getting overwhelmed or in despair -you do not need to keep repeating your history each time.

Parents, even ill ones, most often want to help, and can often feel guilty if they don't. Perhaps talking with them might not only give you a release and support, but assist their own self-worth too. Is one more approachable than the other?

I've no room left for my safety plan so will leave it

Hope to talk again

Croix

[CHNN]

Hi Croix, thanks for your reply.

Do you have any advice for people looking for a good doctor/psychiatrist etc? I'm glad that you found people you believe reliable to help you.

[Croix]

Dear CHNN~

I was simply lucky and did not have to abandon many. Normally it starts with a GP, and word of mouth can be a help, as can a stated interest in the medical center that a particular doctor has an interest in mental health issues.

I'm sorry I can't suggest anything specific,though I am glad you are considering the matter. any thoughts about your parents -or even another family member for support?

Croix

[dadsgripe]

Howdy mate, I just wanted to say that I was bullied at school as well, and I feel your pain. It is so hard to keep a cool head at those times.

You will get through this and I’m confident that you can and will find some treatment that suits you. Give yourself time to heal, Good luck and keep your thread here updated.

brando

[Petal22]

Hello CHNN,

I had OCD ... severe anxiety which I have now recovered from it.... you CAN recover from it aswell...

I seeked professional help for my condition.... I went to a clinic that specialised in OCD my therapy was for 8 weeks.... it was the best thing I ever did.... they gave me many tools for my ocd..... with ocd we fall into a ocd cycle we need to recognise when we fall into that cycle and then bring our selves out of the ocd cycle..... with practice we can learn to do this..... I learned meditation and mindfulness aswell.....

id recommend you see a clinical phycologist and do therapy for OCD....

What happened with the bully happened..... try to learn to let it go I know it causes you anxiety to think about it .... but with practice you can learn to let the thoughts be there and then let it go 😊 it is possible to learn to do this.....

Don’t let your past determine your future..... push forward with a renewed mind and aim for greatness ... it is within you.... think positive thoughts and keep pushing forward 💪

Feel that heart beating inside your chest that’s PURPOSE you are supposed to be here.....

Never quit.....

You are never alone

I’m here if you want to chat 😊

[CHNN]

Thank you for your reply