Anxiety is ruining my relationship

[LoverHater]

Usually my partner is quite supportive of me and my anxiety. If what I'm anxious about doesn't involve him. We've been together for nearly a year but I'm scared that we won't even reach that milestone. I moved in with him quite early on in our relationship.

I've started seeing a councillor a couple of months ago and it's going really well. I just seem to have trouble actually applying myself to get better. To let those little things go, and to live for myself instead of my partner. The problem is is that when I get into an even small argument with my partner he just shuts down and doesn't want to talk to me at all. It's a real problem because my coping method is to cling and to talk. I know that he could definitely use help in the way that he deals with things too, I haven't told him this to his face but I know he doesn't care about how childish he is being anyway. And in turn to his childishness, even though I try to deal with it in a healthy adult way, I end up going between childish and adult.

For example, I get anxious about him not wanting to spend time with me because he is always online with his friends. I express this and insist that we talk about it immediately. He gets angry and because he won't spare me a few minutes of his time, I get even more anxious and won't leave him alone and he gets angrier. It just escalates even higher until his friends leave him because he's gone aft, we get to the point of him either leaving the house or him saying that he can't do this anymore. We've nearly broken up twice.

I recognise my issues, and that I need to fix them. I've only just now after reading an article realised how controlling I am. I never even thought that I was being controlling. I realise now that this is probably the main factor in my anxiety ruining my relationship.

i just don't know how to really apply myself. I really want to get better. I feel like I do the things I do with him to almost test him in a way. But it never ends well and I know that if I jus let things go our relationship would be so much better. I just don't know how to let go because I don't want to feel like I'm just giving in to him constantly?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi LoverHater,

I hope you don’t mind if I extend a caring welcome to you to the forums. I’m glad you decided to reach out. It’s lovely to have you on board.

Your relationship with your partner clearly means a lot to you. You seem worried, apprehensive and, as you said, scared of what your future holds with him.

I think, to your credit, you sound very self aware of not only the dynamics of your relationship (e.g. the recurring “push-pull” pattern) but also your own response to his actions and words. It’s great that you have that understanding.

Sorry, I hope it doesn’t upset you for me to say this. But I wonder if your strong reaction to his distance stems from a deeper underlying issue e.g. a fear of abandonment and rejection or feeling “invisible” or “unheard.”

I’m not saying that is necessarily the case but perhaps it’s something to consider. The point that I’m trying to make is I feel addressing the underlying reasons/causes for why we continue certain emotional responses and patterns of behaviour is often helpful for anyone wanting to change how we respond to things...just a thought.

Perhaps this is something you might like to explore in your counselling sessions? Having said that though, it’s just a gentle suggestion so you don’t have to take it on board unless you feel it might be helpful. Another suggestion might be couples counselling if that’s something you’re both comfortable with.

Thank you again for opening up a little. It would be great to continue supporting you so please feel free to come back to use this space to give us updates, vent and chat (if you want to). There are many caring people on the forums.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[LoverHater]

Hi Pepper! Thank you for the welcome and thank you very much for the reply!

i think it’s definitely as you say. I’ve felt abandoned by both friendship groups and by previous partners in the past. I’ve also always struggled with self esteem and speaking up and being heard, so it really hurts for my current partner to ignore me and to distance himself.

We’ve talked about this a tiny bit in my counselling sessions, but I think I should definitely ask to go into it more deeply.

I feel like it helps to have this understanding and self awareness, but it’s just so frustrating to know what I need to change and not knowing how to do it.

Ive tried talking to my partner many times in the past about all of this but I just don’t think he understands. I don’t even think he understands anxiety as whenever an argument like I mentioned above happens, he just tells me not to do it, he makes it seem like the easiest choice to make when it’s just not how my head works. He doesn’t listen and doesn’t want to talk when we’re arguing but he doesn’t want to talk at any other time either. He just tries to avoid negativity like the plague, which is okay in general but when you’re in a serious relationship it’s just not always an option and I don’t know how to make him understand this.

thank you for your advice!!

[Peppermintbach]

Hi LoverHater,

Thank you so much for writing back. It’s wonderful to hear from you again and you’re most welcome 🙂

Yes, I hear you on how understanding the theory/rationale is relatively easy but putting it into practice is another story. I struggle with that too....

It must be so frustrating that your partner just seems to want to disengage and avoid topics when things get a little heated. Personally, I feel you can only avoid difficult topics for so long in a relationship...but it sounds like he wants to do the whole avoidance thing as much as possible.

I agree with you that I don’t feel we can “control” our emotions either. Manage emotions, yes, and learn strategies to cope with difficult emotions, yes...but not “control” them. That’s how I feel about it anyway.

I’m glad you’re considering possible issues you would like to discuss with your counsellor. She or he will probably know strategies that could help you to ease/manage your anxiety as well. Perhaps that’s something you might like to bring up too. Just a gentle idea...

Kind thoughts,

Pepper