Anxiety driving friends away

[Sal2645]

Hi everyone. I’m writing because I’m struggling a lot at the moment with my friendships. I’ve always put a lot of pressure on myself to behave a certain way so that people will like me because I often get stuck in thought patterns that I’m inherently unlikeable and no one wants to be around me so I really have to make an effort to be tolerable to be around. 

This is something I’ve dealt with my whole life so it’s nothing new and I know I’m just overthinking. But lately my friends have been doing things without me and not inviting places which just is my worst fear and means that my overthinking has become a reality. Its my fault because I’m constantly worried about how I’m acting and assume that no one wants to talk to me so I rarely reach out to people first. I’m always over analysing everything I do and people’s reactions so I’m probably not that present in the moment and look like I’m not enjoying myself. This means that because I’m worried about bringing the mood down and being boring, that I actually am ruining the mood because I just don’t engage. Obviously this would drive my friends away and it’s just hard because it solidifies the fact that I think I’m insufferable to be around because now im not apart of anything anymore.

Before I could kinda pretend to be normal but now because I’m getting invited less and less, there is more pressure in my head when I’m with my friends because I’m trying to make them like me again, but obviously that just makes it worse cause I’m more anxious than normal. 

I just feel like I’ve done this to myself and have no idea how to fix it. 

[Sophie_M]

Hello Sal2645, 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with our community, this is definitely a very relatable experience!

Fearing those we love pulling away because of our mental health is very, very common. It can be really prominent if we are sensitive to rejection or if we are still growing into our sense of self. Both of which are normal, human things to find challenging. 

It sounds like there is a part of you that believes you're unloveable exactly as you are (this is often a belief we develop when we are really young, so we have to remember to be extra kind to ourselves when we feel this way). When we internalise this message from say, our parents, school, society, we can find ourselves doing everything we can to keep ourselves 'safe' - i.e.: 'part of the group.' Technically, we need other humans to survive, so your instincts are just doing their best to keep you alive here! However, they may be working overtime and looking for threat in every little micro-moment. The brain loves patterns and will look for things that confirm its beliefs - whilst this is clever and helps in the process of keeping things simple, it actually negates how nuanced most situations are! 

For example, I can see you have been reading into people's reactions for some time, so it would be really hard not to see every little thing that occurs as a direct reflection of something you have done. However, I am wondering if you could challenge this by considering what might be going on for them individually or by exploring reaching out to organise a catch-up? Maybe they would really love to hear from you first and actually value your presence more than you realise? Is this something you could put to the test? 

I would also really like to encourage that you share some of these feelings with one person from your friend group. I know that might sound super scary and really vulnerable right now, but you might find it alleviates some of the anxiety to voice what you are going through. Maybe they have felt the same before?

We are also here 24/7, so if you need someone to talk to - you can always call us! Talk to a counsellor - Beyond Blue - Beyond Blue

We are looking forward to your reply. Please let us know how you go with reaching out first - you can absolutely do this!! 

Warm regards, 
Sophie M.

[Annas1]

Hello Sal,

I can see my own thought patterns and difficult feelings in your description of social anxiety. It is only more recently that I understood social anxiety was underlying a lot of my mental habits and behaviours, essentially boiling down to a fear of others' negative judgement. For me, anyone's negative judgement of me was a catastrophe, so I've spent a lot of time and energy in making sure that I pleased others, perfected my behaviour and performed in my role (friend, wife, daughter, mother, sister). Digressing in any of these domains has caused me great anxiety, and has also come to dominate how I see myself, my self-identity.

Now I have some insight into why I feel anxious relating to other people (especially people I am close to) I am on a life project of undoing inauthentic ways of relating (i.e. requiring perfection, pleasing and rigid role performing). It is very scary to risk my relationships by moving away from these long-held habits, but I know intellectually I will be more at ease and happier in myself by doing so.

I think Sophie has identified a key problem for both of us, namely - not believing we are worthy/loveable/likeable just as we are. This is a sad and mistaken belief, and developing a kinder, more loving attitude to your unique, sensitive self will reap rewards. I think I am essentially a good person, and worthy of love, but I still feel 'less than' or 'reduced' when I don't meet certain standards. This is where my work now is, accepting and embracing my naturally imperfect self. I'm okay in this world, however I am.

Today, embracing being okay is a challenge for me. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted by my perception of the social expectations that surround this time of year, and I need to say 'no' to a range of social invitations. Some of these social invitations are signficant, and yet I am not able to make them today. I am working on finding peace with this situation.