Anxiety - blocking my potential

[Phoenix89]

Problems with anxiety, depression, social anxiety, low esteem and self confidence have swayed me into a belief that the person that I have now become at the influence of all these mental health issues, is who I will forever be. They've had their influence over me for more than 10+ years, that I've become a very un-confident person that I'm always doubting myself - even when I'm logically with myself and know 100% certain that it's right, that I'll still have that self doubting negative self talk. In turn it's affected my persona as I come across as being unconfident in myself.

However it's greatly affected my love life and my ability to meet women. Firstly I'll state that I'm not out to seek any sort of sympathy out of what I have to say. Secondly, I haven't been lucky enough to be in a relationship with any women. My negative self talk has made me believe via evidence of how unsuccessful I have been with women, that there must be something wrong with me. It convinced me that I'm actually ugly or something along those lines. I've been told I'm actually better looking than what I actually believe. Though in saying that when it comes to meeting girls I am just no able to. The negative influence I have in my mind is very strong as I'll just psych myself out of any form of approach by telling myself that I have no chance due to being ugly, she being out of my league and worst "knowing" she'll say no - sort of predicting an outcome. It gets frustrating because I obivously want to meet people but my anxiety issues are very influential that any sort of doing nothing just makes me feel depressed that I'm not able to do something that shouldn't be that hard. I also find myself because of this inability, that over the years I've broken myself down, almost beaten myself up about it, that I feel like I am less of a person to everyone - sort of like a slave and a master - like I have no worth and everyone is better than me.

 With social anxiety, I remember during Uni, oral presentations were the hardest of things to do. My friends and I would go for lunch in the uni cafeteria but when I had to walk through the cafeteria by myself to get to classes, I would avoid doing so. It would always feel like everyone was watching me. Even with going to the gym. I'm not a newbie as I've been maybe more than 500 times but even till now I feel like all eyes are drawn on me. 

[Traveller73]

Hi, i have no answers for anxiety and I have no idea how old you are, but from what you have written you seem very caught up in what other people think, second guessing what they think, when in reality they arwnt even thinking of you and are preoccupied with their own stuff. This will get better as you age. My advice would be to create friendships with opposite sex. Concentrate on them and not second guessing. You sound like a nice person and trust me thats what a girl wants. I had my first relationship at 26. Prior to this i lived thru soap operas on tv (no life). Get out there and join clubs, sign up for Tai Chi classes, yoga. Just get out there. I am now happuly married with a beautiful daughter even tho started late in life. You can do it too. Goodluck

[White_Rose]

Dear Phoenix

Hello. I am pleased to welcome you to the BB forum where I hope you will explore the various threads and perhaps join in one or more of the conversations. I believe this could be quite enlightening for you.

Negative self-talk is the bane of life for most people here. We have all been through it, been affected by it and many have come out the other end with stories of how they have overcome this. Now if I say you can beat this I'm certain you will say, "Ah yes, but not me. I'm not worthwhile." And if I ignore your problem you will say, "Ah yes, I'm not worthwhile." Heads you wine, tails I lose.

So how is that for negative self-talk by me? Actually, I'm not entirely joking. I think you will find it hard to accept what we have come to know. We not only practice negative self-talk but also constantly undermine and sabotage ourselves. And trust me on this, it's all rubbish and is all due to the depression that wants to keep us under its thumb.

So may I ask if you have seen a psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor/even your GP? These are very helpful people. I also know, from my own experience that one of the ways to return you to positive thinking and mental health is CBT, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Have you ever done this? There are all sorts of therapies out there which can help us on the way to better mental health. I suggest CBT because it targets, so to speak, exactly those thoughts of yours.

So a couple of suggestions as I don't know yet what help you have received so far.

Have you discussed this with your GP? If not my first suggestion is to book a long appointment with him/her and speak about the stuff you have written above. Copy and print it if you think you may not remember some of it.

Next I suggest you explore this site thoroughly and read all the information on anxiety and depression. You can download it to your computer or ask BB to send you hard copies. It is factual and very helpful. And yes, it does apply to you.

Lastly, please believe me when I say you do not sound like a loser but a very sad person. I would like to help you bring the Black Dog to heel and teach it some manners. So I hope you will reply and try the suggestions I have made.

Mary

[Traveller73]

Also, for your situation I think it helps to 'give the benefit of doubt' to your potential relationships/ meeting with people. I think this has helped me thru later life to initiate relationships  You may not think your worthy, but they do, so give in to it a while and see whether you believe it too. I am no expert but these thingshave worked for me. 

[Phoenix89]

Hi Traveller73, thank-you for your response.

With the character limit I wasn't able to give all details away but yes. I am a 27 old year male. I wrote a piece about my depression on the other forum which I believe that all my issues stem back from being bullied through-out high school. That kind of explains why my thought process and how I view myself is very low.

You're definitely right about stop caring what people think, it is something my friends have told me I do too much of. And most definitely yes, about getting myself out there. I used to do a competitive sport during my uni years and after I had graduated. It was a predominately female dominated sport so I do have quite a few female friends and best friends. Due to injuries I had to give up on that sport and do something less intense. Like I workout a lot at the gym but I prefer not to use it as a social avenue as I like to have it as 'my down time' - like exercising/working out is one of my own therapies to ease any anxiety or depressive feelings I might be having. However I did hip hop last year so I am considering getting back into that or perhaps getting into kickboxing or boxing. I am open to taking up further activities as you have mentioned about yoga too.  

[chociloni]

I felt the same as you in my late teens / early 20s...anxiety was blocking me from being a true and free independent young adult. However I got through that, and even though I had relationships throughout that time relationships still weren't the answer and I felt the same. You may also be a late bloomer as I was which is completely normal. I also think you'll find that these issues dont stem from being bullied as a teenager they would stem from childhood. 

[Phoenix89]

Hi White Rose,

Yes negative self talk can be a pain in the back-side. Particularly with myself it has it's own strengths and existence in some elements within different parts of my life. The biggest is obviously with relationships and situations where the outcome is unknown which makes taking a leap of faith and 'just going with the flow' difficult. I have learnt that over the years by giving into my own self talk only has validated these thoughts and ideas that normally would be disregarded as irrelevant. Like I know so that through having had clinical depression that it's influence over the years only has ingrained these beliefs that I have. True about self talk being undermining, as it then becomes as case of "I am my own worst enemy".  

"believe me when I say you do not sound like a loser but a very sad person" - I have to admit this is one of the biggest things for me. As I remember this guy who went to both my primary and secondary school, had it in for me for reasons I will never know. He bullied me and would always humiliate me in front of the girls I was friends with (after school - given I went to an all-boys secondary college) - He would call me a loser and it's one of many beliefs about myself that is holding strong.

Sorry I forgot to mention that yes I have been seeing a psychologist for a bit, sometimes in and out where I will go long periods of a time of not seeing her (using CBT). It was definitely the best life decision I have made to date with the support of my friends, one of whom has a degree in psychology so I was lucky to have that friend particularly who could understand me. I first saw a psychologist in 2013 because I was severely depressed and having very disturbing thoughts associated with depression. After that I went back to uni in 2014 where my depression made a come back tour and definitely affected my ability to learn then, but I also was in a course that I found not to the interest of my being so I discontinued with it. Recently this year I went back to seeing my psych because I want to better myself, learn more about me rather than the belief and shadow type figure/sad person I believe I was (though that was me being influenced by depression). I am also currently seeing my psych to learn more about anxiety and to give myself more opportunities with the opposite sex and having the ability to take risks (positive ones I mean). I am passed my depression like it's under control and I have my methods to deal with it.