Anxiety as a beginner.....

[Kaksta]

I can't tell you how long I have been struggling with anxiety and depression, I can't. I just don't know. It was only last November that I finally twigged that maybe I might have something maybe not quite right in my way of thinking. A visit to this website, followed by a visit to my GP, and voilà! Anxiety and depression! Prior to that, I honestly think I've been undiagnosed for as long as I can remember.

Started treatment with meds and therapy, but experienced side effects and (with my docs ok) I eased off of meds. Seemed the right thing to do, I'd been on them for 3 months and I was feeling great, obviously I was better! *chuckle*

I was fine for about 3 weeks, then I fell in a big hole again. Back to doc and on different meds and still seeing the psychologist. The meds definitely help, but I'm now seeing that they don't eliminate it completely.

I used to think that the only people who had mental illness were those who must have had a pretty crap life. I hate to admit it, but I did see them as weak. I did. I thought it was an excuse to not deal with life. Changing my thinking on that has been a struggle in itself. Someday I would like to be able to contribute to changing the thinking of those who think about it like I used to. 

I've now accepted my illness for what it is and I'm really starting to understand that this is something I am going to have to do battle with. It's going to be a learning process, I'm not going to be able to just pop a few pills and talk to my psychologist and work out which part of my childhood to blame it all on. Nope, it's going to take work.

This last week or so I have really struggled, so now I am searching for other ways to help myself, which is what has brought me here.

I do use alcohol as a crutch, I definitely do. I am a wine enthusiast and actually work in the industry so I don't want to give up completely, but I definitely want to stop using it as my "go to" when the meds aren't working and I can't calm myself down. I know that may not be possible, that I may just have to *gulp* give up completely, but I would at least like to try get some control first. I do love my job 🙂

I have been experimenting with meditation via apps and online resources and have found that very helpful so far. I just scanned the Self Help thread on here and thought there were some great tips there to try too.

Anyway, that's me! Look forward to getting to know you all better and helping each other out 🙂

[Neil_1]

Hi there kaksta

And I’d like to extend a warm welcome to you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for providing your post.

Sounds like it’s been a long and oftentimes hard journey for you up to this point.

It’s awesome that you’ve come here to reach out, that’s always I think, a very positive step by everyone who comes here, because to me, it’s the person really wanting to be positive about their future and to look for alternative and different ways to take steps to combat and try to beat this illness.

I’m hearing you loud and clear with your taking medication and how yes, they do work, but only up to a point;  which is pretty much how they all work;  they are just ONE mechanism that we need to incorporate in order to help ourselves relieve some of the symptoms that we face on a daily basis.

Another one is seeing a psychologist, which you’re also doing – another big tick.

Also great to hear you’ve got a job and from what I can gather it sounds as though you enjoy your work (I guess who wouldn’t if you worked in the wine industry?) 🙂  and this is something that IS great cause this can help to put aside the depressive feelings while you concentrate and keep your mind focussed during your work day.  Sure it’s still there in the background, but the more you can push it to the back, hopefully the slower it’ll then come back to the forefront of the mind.

When you say you use alcohol as a crutch – I’m guessing this is you having a few each night?    Obviously I guess one or two each night isn’t a real big issue, it’s just if it flows on to become more and more – I know full well about this, and at times am able to stop – but for me, it’s gotta be a bloody good reason to stop.   I know, because it’s such a horrible thing to live with each day, that when evening/night time comes, it can be so easy to slip into the odd drink or more, to deaden our minds so we can get some relief;  but I guess we know that this isn’t the right way to help us.

Would love to hear back from you on this.

Kind regards

Neil

[Kaksta]

Hi Neil! Thanks for your response, I really appreciate it.

It's funny that you say it sounds like I enjoy my job....I enjoy the wine industry role I have, but unfortunately I am miserable in my full time job. It's an entry level role I was forced to take at the end of filling a maternity leave contract in my field. This role involves shift work, which I find does more to inflame my anxiety and depression, particularly when working night shift and weekends. I feel so isolated from everyone during those shifts. I am currently seeking a new role, but ideally one day I would like to be full time in the wine industry running my own business 🙂

As far as the alcohol consumption goes, I would say I definitely have a few each night. Can be anything from 2-3 glasses up to a whole bottle, or on the rare occasion even two bottles. Depends where my head is at. I am trying very hard to cut back though, as I know it is a slippery slope. Have been doing better lately, had the odd AFD, which is very unusual for me, and have more of the 2-3 glass days than whole bottle days.

I know what you mean though, I do look forward to getting home and unwinding with my wine. I am about to move in with my partner though, and I really don't want to have the conversation about my drinking with him, so I am thinking that this will encourage me to cut right back. As it is, I drink a lot less when I am at his place already, so I am hoping it's a natural progression.

You say we know it's not the right way to help us, I agree. But it is fun 😉 I do love my wine, I do. But the desire is to keep it as something to enjoy, not something to lean on to dull my thoughts. Would you agree?

I've read a few posts on here from people who drink too much and I see so many stories that I can relate to. It's interesting to read the sentences I used to use, trying to explain why you don't have a problem with alcohol and that you can give up whenever you want, you just don't want to. I think if you feel the need to explain why your relationship with alcohol is ok, then you probably need to have another look at your relationship with alcohol.

I think that the fact that you and I know that we have a problem is a great first step. Same as realising that you have anxiety and depression makes an amazing difference initially. It's working out the next step to deal with the problem that is tricky, especially when, like me, you don't really want to just give away the wine completely 😕

[Neil_1]

Hi there Kaksta

Hey, really awesome to hear back from you and thanx for the update.

Hmmmm, being miserable in your job is not as good as what I first thought – loving the industry is one thing (awesome), but being in a job that is not good for you is something that, as you well know, can really cause bad problems.   I really hope that the new role you are seeking is one that you feel will be ok and that you are able to apply for.   Things like this can also be a bit of a distraction (kind of a good one) so you are able to put some effort into trying for this other position – I have my fingers crossed for you.

The old AFD’s huh?   I used to call them that, but my new name for them is:  DOG days (Days Off Grog).

I tell you what is amazing, for me.   For the last 6 years, I have competed in bodybuilding comps – nothing huge, but it’s good fun and all natural in that, no steroids are supposedly ever used.  Well not for me, but when I see other guys, it certainly makes you wonder, that I bet “back in the day” they were right into it.  Anyway, back to the point of this:   come early May each year, just after my b’day, I stop cold from drinking my beloved beer.   And I am able to go off it “just like that” for the next 20 odd weeks or so – as the comps are usually held in late September, early October.  So I have a focus, a major goal to aim towards and hence I’m able to go off it and for the most part, it’s very easy.   Not in the first day or two, but after that, it’s like I don’t even feel like it anymore.

So I’ve found a particular goal that helps me to go off it – and I count all those DOG days as well, and you know, it’s good to see them mount up.  And all the while, I know that my body is also thanking me for this particular ‘dry period’.

I wasn’t trying to big note or brag here, but was just trying to let you know, what works for me and I’m very pleased for me that I’m able to do this.

Kind regards

Neil