Hi Adsy
It sounds like you've made a massive amount of progress on your life's path. When what feel like soul destroying challenges come about, all that progress can seem like it's lost in the blink of an eye. It can feel so incredibly brutal and cruel, that's for sure. My heart truly goes out to you.
It was only a handful of years ago that I shared one of my most positively mind altering epiphanies with a women who smiled and nodded in regard to what I shared with her, as she could personally relate to what I was saying. It was something along the lines of 'I think I've figured out why I suffer so much at times. While I thought it was about me being 'broken' in some way (never being able to be fully 'fixed'), I really think it's about graduating through life. I've come to realise that I make it through the challenges in the same way every time: I suffer through a lack of knowledge before I come to gain a greater level of self understanding, in regard to how I tick. Once I understand myself better and why I suffer, I graduate to next level self understanding. Every point of graduation tests how well I truly do know myself and how far I've come'.
There are definitely times where we can be left thinking 'I was sure I'd mastered this (this thing that's returned to challenge me so intensely). I was convinced I'd reached a level of self understanding and self mastery that had me fully believing I'd never have to face this kind of challenge again'. But here that challenge is again or so it seems, leading us to doubt our abilities and progress. Not sure whether you can relate but I find that what seems to be an old challenge actually holds one or more new elements. If there were 'powers that be', it's almost like they're saying, for example, 'Ahh, so you thought you'd mastered inner dialogue. Think again my friend. How good are you with it under these particular circumstances. Do you feel you perhaps have a little more to learn on the subject, more that what you originally thought?'. So, back we go again to learn even more about inner dialogue and how it impacts us, before graduating to an even higher level of self understanding and self mastery.
While really brutal challenges can sometimes be about finding and developing a next level ability (to help navigate our path through life), knowing this or believing this doesn't necessarily automatically make things easy. When the question remains 'What the hell kind of ability am I meant to be gaining or developing?', the answer can be so far from easy to find at times.
