Anxiety and living authentically

[rpo_77]

So a bit of background about me first:

I'm currently training to be a professional classical musician. Before I started training as a classical musician, I actually completed a degree in a different field, although it was also a creative field. During my first degree, music was more of a hobby for me, something that I did because it was fun and I got to meet new people, and I enjoyed creating music. A teacher of mine suggested I audition for a classical degree at a tertiary institution since they thought I was pretty good, and I took their suggestion seriously. A year later I auditioned and was accepted to study classical music at a tertiary level.

I've been training there for three years now, and in my second and third years of study I have been referred to a psychologist for anxiety and depression and I have undergone therapy. I've also been placed on beta blockers to help manage my anxiety in everyday life and in performance situations. I still have one year left to go of this degree, but I can't wait to finish.

A large part of my anxiety comes from whether I actually want to continue pursuing a career in this field, or whether I want retrain in something else. My problem is, I don't think I can clearly make decisions, and I can't really tell whether my values and beliefs are my own or whether they are based on what I think other people will think. I can't tell what is real and what I genuinely believe anymore, and what things I believe because I have been told to believe them by other people.

How can I tell whether I actually enjoy this line of work, or whether I am just doing it because I think other people think that it is impressive?

I tried doing an exercise in finding my core values, and the first question was 'name your three greatest achievements' and I couldn't answer it by myself, and felt that I needed someone else to tell me what my achievements have been. This made me feel like I'm definitely not living my life under my own terms.

I guess my question is, does anyone have any tips on how to ascertain what your TRUE values are, and what your TRUE beliefs are? How do I know whether something I feel is real as opposed to something that I have told myself to believe?

[pipsy]

Dear rpo_77. There is no shame in admitting you made a mistake in something. Trying something new can be exciting to start with. If you're not entirely sure where you are in your life, I suggest you take some 'time out' to see what you want to do. If music is just a hobby or past time, you will soon tire of the constant demands. Often people defer to rethink what field they want to follow in their life. You are the only one who can decide where you want to be. You said you had complete a degree in some other field, could you not return to that, if you were happy there. Trying to please everyone else usually makes you unhappy as everyone expects more than you can give. For instance, if you decided to teach first-graders, no doubt someone else would be unhappy as they might want you to follow their chosen field. Naming your three greatest achievements, at this time is just about 'mission impossible'. Take some time to think about your future, it's your life, you have the right to choose for yourself.

Lynda

[Traveller73]

Maybe you just need to step back and take some time out, find some tranquil moments. Greatest achievements don't have to be newsworthy events, every day things can help you find your goals. Theres a book 'Feel the Fear and do it anyway' which I would recommend. There are chapters within that there are no wrong choices in life, only apples and oranges. Finding out what you don't like is just as valuable as finding out what you do like. The secret though is knowing when to 'correct' your decision. I said another book in another post was helpful ' The Happiness Trap', a splendid book on mindfulness with a few chapters on goals and values.

Good luck​

[Starwolf]

Hi Rpo_77,

The fact that you are questioning your career choice shows you have doubts. It sounds like you're not entirely satisfied that it is the right one.

You only can know whether something makes you feel truly happy or not. Happiness doesn't doubt itself, it just is.

This life wasn't given to you to be lived according to anyone else's standards and expectations. There's a need to stand up to trespassers on our life territory and demand they should leave us in charge of our personal likes and dislikes. No matter its nature, no relationship should impose a life where one person becomes a shadow while the other retains substance.

Perhaps a step back must be taken to do some serious soul searching. Putting your thoughts, feelings and concerns into writing will help you clarify them to yourself. If not sure of what you want, making a list of what you don't want often helps.

Kindest thoughts.

[FrankA]

Dear rpo_77,

My heart goes out to you. In my experience, beliefs and values are challenged throughout a persons lifetime. Sometimes we create our outlook because of others expectations, experiences, their will to drive improvements etc. Sometimes we are afraid to live our authentic beliefs and values. Fear feeds the anxiety especially around acceptance, love, hurt, pain etc.

Other BB contributors have recommended timeout. I agree with them however, this is only useful if you think it is right for YOU!

Another point I would like to make is that nothing you have shared is wrong or a mistake. Education exists to test our thinking. The fact that you are thinking about your future and how the decision's that you make today will impact the future you demonstrates that you are growing as a result of your learning, both through formal education and through life's journey.

The fact that you have a degree in one field and you are currently studying another field shows that you are able to achieve. Your learnings will carry over to your next experience and you will build on these over your lifetime. Plus, it is very rare for anyone these days to pick a career and stay in the one field till retirement. People change, technology changes and you will change.

I believe that participation is better than doing nothing. Change what your doing when you know what it is you want. You cannot go back, just sideways or up. Education changes the world for the better. Try not to listen to the inner voice that is causing you grief. Your decisions are not wrong. You choices may not be right for you atm but you are making progress through life.

Be kind to yourself. Take timeout if needed. Travel if you can ( this always impacts your authentic self). Keep challenging your thinking. Franka💕

[Croix]

Dear rpo_77
A couple of brief thoughts -

Is your current tertiary course itself causing doubts because of the course itself, or a lack of enjoyment in music? Students can be well and truly ‘over’ the study environment at the end of just one degree, going further and the cumulative effort takes its toll even more.

Do/did you ever play just for you and get enjoyment and satisfaction from it? Does your advanced training help in furthering that enjoyment and satisfaction? Does it have any other large benefit?

To find out your greatest achievements – bearing in mind this is a work in progress -why not start with the silly/trivial and work your way up and see what your left with?

1.Cut my toenails without removing toes – no that’s silly I can think of better than that …
try again: 1. Completed my last assignment (only if you did of course:) - no I’ve done better than that …
try again :1. I …

And so on – you might be surprised with what you end up with.

My best, also I wish you a measure of clarity with your decisions

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear RPO

Well you have received lots of suggestions. In general it seems you are being advised to travel your own road. The problem with that is knowing which is your road.

OK so in the immediate future do you want to finish this degree? For me it would be important to finish and graduate because I like to finish things. For you it may not be as important and in fact is impeding your enjoyment of making music. There are many people who have been told they are good enough to be on the concert platform but who prefer to enjoy making music for their own benefit and that of friends and family. Being in front of an audience is not their preferred place.

So how can you decide this? A couple of suggestions. Take time out and defer your final year. Get a job, possibly in your previous field, and do 'nothing' about a career. Simply let the world drift past. If you do this then rehearse a short speech to all those who tell you you are making a mistake and trot it out when questioned. "I've decide to take a year off to see where I am going and make decisions about my future". Or something similar.

No one has the right to tell you what to do with your life, and if studying is stressful, then walk away. I suggest you do not burn all your boats immediately. Deferring means you can go back if and when you wish.

The other option is to complete the degree, which will quieten those who badger you about completing. Then simply find something to do that is different. You may find your anxieties are all about the studying, though I think you would have walked away earlier if this was the only reason. To enjoy making music does not require a degree and as I said above, many people are happy to make music for their own enjoyment.

I was just chuckling to myself at the kind of comments that will said regardless of your decision. "Oh he could have been a world-famous (violinist) if he had stuck with it. What a waste." No, waste is doing something that you do not enjoy. Make music for yourself and friends if that is what you want.

I feel I haven't given you any suggestions about to make a decision. This is because I believe If you give yourself space you will start to understand what you want. I will make on suggestion however. Tell those who ask what you are doing or who try to tell you what to do, to stop making suggestions. You are working out your own destiny so you need time and space to do this. If someone persists, just walk away. They will get the message.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi rpo,

You have received some great replies already.

For me, depression and self doubt cloud my thinking and personal judgement at times.

Occasionally I make a list, stating the pros and cons of a situation I then leave the list for a day or two then go back and reconsider what I have written.

People have suggested different ideas and ways of determining how you can make a decision. Give yourself time to think of many different options.

Do you have family members and friends whom you can bounce suggestions off of? Ultimately it is your decision. Take time to reflect on where you want to be end of next year.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D

[BballJ]

Hi rpo_77,

Firstly, welcome to the forums, you have recevied a lot of suggestions but I just wanted to add my 2 little cents in. Like many of us we never truly find our calling in life through school or university etc It is a stepping stone into the working world but how many people do you know who are working in the field they studied. You may be very good at classical music which is why your teachers say you should pursue it because you are good at it. I think a lot of people don't find what they truly love until they experiance life more, I am unsure of your age but like some posts above said, sometimes you need to go our a personal journey to discover what you truly love and want to do. This is enough to cause a stress-free person stress, add these questions to someone like us with anxiety etc makes it 10x worse in our heads.

You have to keep looking in yourself and working on what makes you smile when you get up everyday. What makes you want to work early in the AM to late in the PM?

My best for you,

Jay