Anxiety and Futility and Human Connection

[paxomatic]

I am 52, divorced, full-time employed in the public service for over 20 years and have suffered anxiety interspersed with bouts of depression my whole life. I am also highly introverted. Anxiety is the mainstay of my life. I don't have friends except those people that have to work with me in my immediate work environment, not a single one of whom choose to have anything to do with me outside of work. I am able to be social in that environment, to a limited degree. But come the end of the day, I want nothing to do with people either, as I find social interactions of all kinds fatiguing and confusing.

I understand the logic of small talk and all its attending processes. I have had plenty of counselling, different kinds of medication, CBT, a degree in communications, and have read very widely on social interaction, social anxiety, etc. I have made every effort to bring positive change in myself and my life.

On the topic of medication, the only medication that actually reduced my anxiety I cannot take because doctors tell me it is addictive and should only be used short term. Sorry, my memory is crap and I cannot remember its name. I'm sure most readers here would know what it is. Part of me would rather be addicted to that and have less anxiety, than be full of anxiety most of the time. But I don't take them or any medication. I loath the SSRIs in all their variances. They don't really reduce anxiety, but they do negatively impact my interests in playing music and running. Two things I do find pleasure in.

Lately, however, I have come to the conclusion that this is very much like an incurable disease, or a life long disability. A disability that colours all my human interaction with a layer of threat (to me), fatigue at having to very consciously negotiate my interactions with people, and a profound sense of futility.

I won't go to counselling anymore. I genuinely see no point. I won't take medication, for the same reason.

I know that I am not alone in this, hence, my post in this forum. I don't think for a second I am special or unique in any of this. One of the problems with knowing that is knowing that people with these same issues don't really socialise and so don't find each other. So maybe we can find each other here, from the safety of our homes and phones?

[smallwolf]

Hi paxomatic,

Welcome to beyond blue. Sorry that you have not had positive experiences with counselling or medication. This is a safe space where you can chat and not be judged. The community here is also supportive, which is helpful when thinking out loud. You are not alone.

I am no professional or expert in medication, but as a "sufferer" of depression and anxiety, I have tried a few different ones to find one that works for me. When I was last with my psychiatrist and I mentioned the feelings and/or side-effects of the medication I was currently on, she offered me an SNRI that (supposedly) also targets anxiety. I no longer have most of the physical symptoms I was having such as chest tightness.

Can I ask what happened with counselling as to why it did not work for you?

Do you have any distraction or coping mechanisms? (Or perhaps you are skeptical about these?) You might want to check out the threads on grounding and mindfulness. You may get some ideas in those threads to try. But I will agree with you it can be life long journey, trying to navigate the ups and downs that life throws at us.

Wishing you the best,

Tim

[paxomatic]

Thanks. Things are real bad at the moment. I keep having anxiety attacks that last anywhere from a moment to an hour. I am trying medication and will seek out counselling again. I cannot stand it anymore and feel desperate. All these years of this &%*( and little respite and it is now spiralling.

[Rocket_Man]

Hi Paxomatic,

I experience similar attitudes toward human interaction, and a lack of understanding for them. Your post piqued my interest when you wrote that you were reading about social psychology and other things, as that was exactly what I did / still do, im not sure if ill ever fully master it. My thoughts in response to your comments;

Humans are the most aggressive species on the planet, maybe you just have a heightened awareness of this so your reaction is completely normal ?

Do you experience the capacity to feel the emotions of other people in your body as they experience them ? As you mentioned you enjoy playing music, this suggests some creativity and sensitivity in you, this has a correlation to intuitive empathy, which is the condition of experiencing the emotions of others within your own body. I have this, and it contributed to my anxiety in human interaction hugely, but I didnt realise that not everyone experiences this.

Best wishes,