Anxiety and dealing with thoughts of dying

[Calypso85]

Hi all, I have anxiety, depression and bipolar. It's was well maintained and going pretty well up until mid 2015. I hate flying (but I'm well travelled as I love travelling), and I had a session about it with a psychologist (who I had seen for years about everything with great results). After this session I happened to have a week off work, which was planned leave to spend at home. I ruminated about our session as we had discussed my thoughts on dying. (Not suicidal thoughts, more like "when will I die? How will I die?") I never had given it much thought before then, just that I wasn't worried about what was after death. Suddenly I was obsessing about and it would get so distressed, all I could do was cry in my husbands arms, not getting words out, not understanding how others could go on with daily mundane tasks and not think about it. It got really bad, but I pushed on and increased meds etc. it's a bit better now but that still haunts me and it's like I've crossed a threshold, I'm never not going to be so aware of it again. It scared me off psychology which used to be so good for me. I worked with a psychologist who said they can be so damaging if they say the wrong thing. I guess I'm wondering does anyone else have these thoughts? On a bad day I think about it every five minutes. Some days recently I've gone all day with it only coming into my mind once or twice. It's disheartening to be constantly reminded and fearful but I'm trying to see the positive, life each day etc etc. Now I worry about my family and I can't see far into my future. Before I couldn't see the end of a day so I guess it's settled a bit. I miss when my mania wasn't well managed as then at least I was carefree! I would be scared of something but do it anyway. Have a big trip overseas coming up and I'm already getting anxious about flying and the countries we are going to. My thoughts haven't been helped by in the last 18 months had a few accidents with my horses and they are a major outlet. (Plus all the flying accidents in the last three years.) Just looking for someone else's perception on this and if you've felt the same. Anyway thanks for reading and would love to hear your stories. 🙂

[sagebrush]

I don't really know what you say in response to your post. But I am going to anyway, because I don't want your post to go unanswered.

If it helps, all I know about death. Is that we die when we are meant to die. This is either when we are so far from our life's purpose that we can never get back to it. Or when we have completed our life's purpose and it is time to move on.

It sounds like there is no way that you are too far from your life's purpose. It sounds like you are just beginning to learn what it is. It sounds like you have an amazing and loving life ahead of you. You're depression/bipolar/anxiety are there just to try and hold you back. But you cant hold back a team of wild horses forever. You can find a way to overcome it, people do, there is hope.

[Croix]

Dear Calypso85,

I can understand why you posted. Others, me included, had had the thoughts of death approaching - I'll get back to that in a moment.

From reading your words it sounds to me that normally you are pretty grounded and that you are managing, maybe not as well as you'd like, but are sufficiently successful so life keeps going, and you can take part in family, travel, horses and so on.

It also sounds like you have had a sudden onset of 'fear of death' and are having difficult with coping with that specific set of thoughts. I doubt the trigger is important.

Now I'm not the same. I've had for an exceedingly long time the aftermath of PTSD with chronic anxiety and depression. You will know from your own past experience that these mental injuries distort your thinking and matter loom far grayer than they ought. - I'm not much help so far -am I ?

Well what I wanted to recount happened to me - I think it was around 9 months ago - my memory isn't that good tonight. Going for a heart MRI I was told I had a spot on my lung, and that it was not one they wished to take a biopsy of for some technical reason or other. My only avenue was to wait 3 months and see if it had grown

Well it hadn't - a reprieve. But during those 3 months I was at first frighten, frustrated and going down towards despair. The hamster-wheel of frantic thoughts going in a never ending circle commenced. I'd smoked most heavily and had only managed to give up 10-12 years ago (I'm nudging 70) so naturally I though I had lung cancer.

As the weeks went by my feelings quietened and morphed away from fear and despair, the pressure slackened and I came to realize to some extent anyway, that all the things I wanted to do, all the people (wife & son) that I wanted to look after, were basically beyond my control. While I probably can't explain this well I found that to some extent I had been fooling myself in thinking I had been in control in the first place.

I ended up tending to savor my time, not changing my daily routing, but noticing afresh my wife as the lovely person she is, the strengths in my son, my enjoyment from my books which are old friends. If I had contracted a fatal ailment I don't think I would have found it that big a deal - a pity, but acceptable.

So, through no particular virtue of mine, I went from shit-scared to a more peaceful state.

I wish you a measure of peace

Croix

[geoff]

hello, there is no magic answer to your question, 'when will I die' or 'how will I die', however obsessions like this is what continually drives someone to confusion, there isn't any answer that anybody could give you, I don't whether or not I will here tomorrow or what will happen, but if all of this concerns me and worries the hell out of me, then my last few hours are going to be horrible, I don't want this to happen, I want to enjoy today and that's what I'm going to do.
Obsessions are a sign for having OCD because it's related to anxiety and can cause this type of thinking, with 'intrusive thoughts' I've had it for 56 years and there have many problems that have constantly haunted me, but now I take what comes along, so google OCD and see if something there you can relate to.
I can see how the accidents on your horses suddenly come back to haunt you, but they don't have effect which is related to your flying, because none of us can go through life without having an accident, especially for me as I'm accident prone.
It's true that psychologist's can say the wrong thing, but when this happens they should be able to correct themselves knowing that what they have said could be detrimental to their patient, because they should know that they have to be careful.
Let us know what you think about the site OCD and intrusive thoughts. Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Calypso

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. You have had some terrific responses from others and it is certainly worthwhile reading them several times and seeing what they have to offer.

Death is inevitable so we live our lives as fully as possible in the time we have. No amount of worrying is going to tell you when your last day will be. So live every day as if it was your last. Give thanks every morning when you wake up, you have a new day where you can shine. I make it sound so easy and I know it's definitely not that.

I constantly worry about people and events in my life. This is the advice I was given. When one of these thoughts pops up , say to yourself , OK I will think about this. Find somewhere on your own, set a timer for half an hour and sit down and listen to this thought. What is it about, where is it going, how does it affect you etc. Once your half hour is up, get up and do something completely different. Wash the dishes, have a shower, visit your horses, whatever takes your fancy. But it must be something that takes you away from where you were sitting and preferably something active.

A friend of mine does something similar. She calls it 'having a pity party'. The trick is not to simply sit and let the fear constantly wash over you. Take it out into the sunshine and have a good look. I think you will be surprised at what you will learn about yourself and your fears.

Lots of people like to write about their thoughts and fears so keeping a journal would be useful. Make sure you handwrite it. Use the computer if you must, but there is a connection in handwriting which is missing when you type into computer. Writing slows down your thinking as you commit your words to paper. I have given this advice to many on BB and generally it is helpful. I know it works for me.

No need to show it to anyone. In fact better not to show it. I found a journal I started writing about 15 years ago and I am amazed at the insights I found about me. Spill out your words without stopping to think, after all no one will read it except you.

Keep talking to us here because we are all interested in helping you.

Mary