anxiety affecting relationship. Would love advice

[Sally1974]

Hi everyone,

what a beautiful community it is on this board I have read but not posted before.

i am wondering if anyone has had this situation before? I have had anxiety on and off for years but in a really challenging place at the moment. I have anxiety about most things so I find it hard to what's an anxious thought verys a real situation.

i am having lots of doubts about my marriage. My husband of 14 years is beautiful in many ways and very practically supportive of me and caring for our three children. He has had his own issues with mental health and he is struggling at the moment.

i feel we are very disconnected emotionally and although I have practical support there isn't really any emotional support. He doesn't really like talking so I feel very alone with how I feel. I have great friends but don't want to burden them all the time.

we have had issues on and off over the years but I wonder if we do need to separate as I don't feel like we are really there for eachother. Maybe we would both be happier apart.

i am wondering if anyone else has had this struggle and if so how did you manage it. We have done relationship counselling and I don't think he wants to be unsupportive he just isn't talking about feelings.

thanks in advance.

Sally

[BballJ]

Hi Sally1974,

Firstly, welcome to the forums, glad you have been reading posts, hoping you have found some solace in some posts but well done for posting your story as well.

Regarding your question, I don't have much advice in this department, I only got married about 6 months ago and to say my wife and I have had problems is an understatement, especially with my anxiety, it's been challenging. My wife is learning how to cope but like your husband I am not much to talk about feelings either, I am much better of helping others than discussing my own issues, not sure why. I can understand your reason for wanting to separate but at the same time, what do you think it achieve's long term, wouldn't it futher enhance yours and your husbands mental health? It's a very strong thing you are thinking about and can have big impacts on your immediate family's life. Being from a broken family myself and that being on the biggest causes of my anxiety, I can't help but hope it doesn't come down to that for you both.

Is there no chance to go back to a relationshop counsellor?

My best for you and your family.

Jay

[geoff]

dear Sally, thanks for the compliment for the site.
A marriage will have to struggle when both of you are suffering from whatever type of depression you have, because one won't talk to the other because they are no different, so the topic is not spoken about, just in case they make the other person worse, well this may happen or it may do you both some good.
It's a big decision whether or not you talk to your friends, because what normally happens is that can't cope with the topic and eventually leave you with no future contact, and that is always very disappointing, to be left without a friend.
You both maybe able to talk together when your have relationship counseling, but as soon as you leave it's not talked about any more, however there maybe issues raised when you're together which may upset one of you, but it would help to continue the conversation when you get home.
Mind you it never worked for my wife (ex) and myself, because as soon as the session finished she just got into her car to go back to her mum's place, as we were seperated.
Have you spoken to your husband about living apart, but perhaps at the moment I think it maybe a good idea, but if you do, then make a time each week so you can be together and maybe discuss how you are feeling, if this doesn't work out, then a decision has to be made.
Can I say this and I don't want this to influence you, but once my divorce came through and I lived by myself my depression started to go away, but the two of you are two different people. Geoff. x

[pipsy]

Dear Sally. My marriage ended at the end of 2015, due to my severe depression, plus lack of communication, plus, plus etc. I begged my ex to consider counseling, he initially agreed, then informed me he hoped the counselor would 'chastise' me for my jealous, insecure, possessiveness. If you both want the same thing marriage, separation etc, counseling helps you to get to the decision that's right for you. However, as Geoff pointed out, he and his wife had already parted and they were unable to reconnect. It seems your depression is affecting you in different stages. Discussing how you feel is impossible because you can't feel how the other person feels. He can't tell you how he feels because, quite simply, he doesn't know or understand. Men who suffer this debilitating illness often have difficulty being honest about it as they are often raised with the 'stiff upper lip' regime. My dad (now deceased) suffered severe depression/PTSD as a result of ww 2, loss of first wife/children etc. He became a chronic alcoholic simply because it was 'easier' to 'lose' himself. My ex and I never talked as he was not on the same 'page' as me. He would walk away, go to his parents, his job, leaving me a screaming mess. Perhaps relationships Australia might be able to assist with the communication side as counseling will only give you guidelines. Relationships Australia actually gives you communication skills which may be of more use.

Lynda

[Sally1974]

Thank you so much for your very kind, thoughtful and reflective posts.

i really appreciate everyone sharing their experiences with so much honesty.

i ended up having a chat withy husband and letting him know how I am feeling. I think it's the hard thing with mental illness as people can't see what is going on on your mind.

things have been so much better for me today as I don't have that running anxiety in my head of should we not be together.

i really want our children to see a happy loving mum and dad.

thanks again for your wisdom and insights. I can't tell you how much it has helped that feeling of isolation.

many thanks

sallyx

[Quiettall]

Hi Sally

Another thought that is worth considering after reading through these posts, is whether you and your partner should just take it one step at a time rather than making a drastic shift like seperating. Maybe the step is to commit to a one or two hour session oce or twice a week where you both go and do something different together, such as see a counsellor, watch a good romantic comedy, go and enjoy a coffee or picnic and just take time out to relax and connect.

Many of us go through such experiences. I have been through this a number of times and it is so easy to jump to conclusions and start to plan drastic actions. But taking small steps forward is often one way of reducing the pressure and anxiety and refocussing in a positive direction

[MrsOverwhelmed]

Hi Sally,

Sorry to hear you're going through this tough time.

As others have mentioned a seperation is quite a big step, and with anxiety and depression it can sometimes be unclear what is "you" and what is the anxiety/depression talking when we have these thoughts.

Obviously I don't know you personally, and I do know from experience having an emotionally distant partner can be very difficult even without the added mental issues on both sides, however I feel it is really dependent on how he responds to you, I.e he may be emotionally distant but when you do unload to him he will listen, he just might not have much to say.

I think counciling can really help however like with anything finding the right councillor for you is definitely key.

I wouldn't look at seperation just yet as you don't seem to list any other issues between you both besides the emotional distance, but counciling with someone that fits will definitely help.

Good Luck x