am I making it all up and looking for attention??? help.

[AnonymousTeen11]

Hi, I am feeling quite conflicted and would like some outside input. I am diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and while at the start I believed it really 'explained' how I was feeling, I am now concerned I am making it up. See, I feel like I put a lot of my identity in my diagnosis, like it is a major part of who I am. I'm not directly proud of my diagnoses, but at the same time sometimes my mind tells me it is 'cool' and makes me 'interesting'. Like I want something vaguely not boring about myself. I know I shouldn't think like that, and on my really low days I cringe at myself ever thinking that. I don't know if those are just intrusive thoughts or if I am not actually anxious and depressed, and am making it up for attention. I feel like sometimes I can put myself out there for sympathy, so very confusing. Honestly I am hyper aware of how I am feeling in the moment and I feel like while on the outside I am acting somewhat normal, that on the inside I am constantly constantly constantly checking myself and the intensity of my symptoms. That might not be inherently bad, but I worry because like I said I put a lot of my identity in my illnesses. And that almost makes me not want to get better because I would lose a huge chunk of who I am. Help please! I am feeling quite conflicted and don't know what's going on, any input would be really appreciated. If you read this far, thank you.

[Emmen]

Dear AnonymousTeen11,

Welcome to the forums.

Feeling like your illness is your identity isn't a good thing! I'm guessing you feel that way because there is nothing else going on in your life at the moment, so the answer to the question of "What defines you?" becomes "I have depression and anxiety".

Firstly, you're not making this up. If you've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, you have it and you should work on getting better.

Now let's go back to that thing about identity. Depression and anxiety can consume you. It can fill your life in a way that it leaves no space for anything else. Part of your recovery is to make space for other things. A hobby, for instance. Do you like reading books? Or watching Netflix? Or gardening? What are your aspirations/what are you working towards?

You may not have the answer to all these now, but as you start recovering, you'll find that there are other things that define you than your illness. That's because you start getting interested in other things in a way that you are probably unable to now because of your illness.

Recovering from this illness means accepting you have it and wanting to recover. It takes courage because, as you see, you don't know what waits for you on the other side. You fear losing that identity because it's the only thing you know now, but what you need now is to trust that this recovery will not leave you identity-less.

I can see that you're not an attention seeker. Your reflections in your post say that because if you were, you wouldn't even have these doubts about your diagnosis. You sound mature enough to make good choices. So take care, and reach out if you need to chat through your journey.

Kindly,
M