Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

[Maureen]

There are a few threads around about acceptance however I didn't want to hijack them with what I am struggling with.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, along with polyarthritis. Throughout these forums it is reiterated numerous times that once we accept our condition it can be easier to bear. I am trying to accept this new reality, the ups and downs, too many tears, too many aches and pains and the inability to work in any capacity. I thought I had started well, returning to simplistic activities I enjoyed, some contact with remaining friends and family, physical activities I am still able to be involved in, and enjoying my menagerie of 2 cats and 2 dogs. Then I went to my 6 weekly psychiatric visit.

I told her I now believed I wouldn't work again, but I had found a semi content state. She was not happy. Said I was too negative, I'd given up, I needed to get back on drugs and start seeing a psychologist. Hmmm, so much for thinking I'd finally found my happy place. 

Back to too many tears, never ending negative thoughts, increasing aches and pains, withdrawing into myself. I agreed to seeing a psychologist she recommended, psychiatrist agreed to 6 week trial of natural anxiety medications, but didn't think they would work and I needed to realise I obviously needed drugs.

So what is acceptance and what is giving up? I'm 55, can only walk for an hour or so before sitting down, cannot organise anything without activating major anxiety, have no idea when tears will come, and have lost concentration abilities and a lot of logical thinking unless given lots of time to work things out. I'm mostly happy with some companionship, and doing simplistic things at home. How is that giving up?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thank you. Maureen

[Maureen]

Thanks pipsy, will do.

[White_Rose]

Dear Maureen

Hello and welcome. I have been following this conversation and would like to put in my two cents worth.

Acceptance is very different to giving in or giving up. Giving in means you stop trying to do anything and just stagnate. Accepting means acknowledging you have, for example, an illness such as polyarthritis. This means you have accepted all the restrictions this imposes such as pain or difficulty moving, but you still move on with your life and work around the restrictions.

So, in pain - take medication, stiff - physio prescribed exercise. I realise that sounds very simple and in reality it is never that simple, but I hope you get the idea. If you need to get the house painted and would usually do this yourself, now that is no longer possible are you going to leave the house unpainted? That's giving up. Acceptance means you know you cannot paint so you look for other ways to get the job done.

In many ways you and your psych are both correct. You have looked for ways to reduce your stress and pain, while the psych wants you to look for ways to continue working while accepting the physical restrictions. No one has said you need to go back to the same job. Perhaps your employer can find another job that you can manage physically. This will help your self esteem and reduce the feelings of being useless. Please note I do not believe you are useless.

Do you see what I am getting at? You say you are not satisfied with your life. So make a life you are satisfied with, not a half life that shelters your disabilities and also stops your creativity, desire to work and interact with others, and is generally unsatisfying.

My suggestion is to decide what you want to do and then work out how you can get there with help from both psychs and your own wisdom and strength. Accept what you cannot change and go with the things you can change. Acquire the wisdom to know the difference. Apologies to the Desiderata.

Mary

[Maureen]

Hello Mary, thank you for your input. When I can stick to the small things I enjoy I am quite happy with my life. But it is hard not looking back and remembering how capable I used to be, holding a responsible job, engaging with lots of people. I'm getting better at accepting this new reality, but still slip now and then.

Last night I went out for dinner with friends and family who didn't know each other. They all spoke about their really interesting jobs, and frequent holidays. I found it very hard listening to all their stories, very envious. So still need to work on that acceptance thing and how I want to progress from here.

Thanks again Mary.

[pipsy]

Hi Maureen.  Going out for dinner, listening to them talk about their busy active lives like that would've been hard.  I have similar problems mixing with people who have children.  Mine are grown up with older kids, so I can't really contribute much in that line either.  A lot of my church 'family' have young children and it's hard to relate to their situation when I'm not in the same category.  I think when you know you're going to be talking to people who work and travel, if you can add a bit about work related issues do so.  If you can't contribute with the holiday talk, maybe, politely excuse yourself, go to the 'ladies', wait for a few minutes, then return to the table.  I don't know about you, but I have a situation where I have to frequently empty, you could always say you have the same problem.  I know it's hard and afterwards and during, you feel left out, but, unless you have travelled, there's not a lot you can do.  If you have travelled, you could add your 2 cents worth.  I haven't seen much of Oz, but I have travelled o'seas.  Unlike you, though, I get a bit bored when people talk about o'seas trips.  I'm not a good traveller, so travel and holiday talk doesn't interest me.  I was sort of raised on a farm, so I can sort of contribute there.  We all have problems with conversation issues.  What interests one person might not interest another.  Your friends obviously still want your company, that's another way of looking at it.       

[Maureen]

Hello pipsy, This is the first time out to dinner since I've had to stop work. So was a bit of a shock having the feelings I did regarding the conversation. As I was the go between the two couples, they hadn't met b4 it was understandable having this get to know you conversation. I'll be better prepared next time.

I too have your problem, isn't it joyful spending so much time in the loo! 😊

 Maureen​

[pipsy]

Hi Maureen.  Had to laugh at your comment about the loo.  Don't know about joyful.  I have a narcissistic ex MIL.  She told a neighbour of hers I had a kidney infection because of how often I have to 'go'.  I didn't know she had told this neighbour that about me.  Needless to say it's not true, but my ex (emotionally very weak) never said a word in my defence re: this. 

I hope you do go out for dinner again.  Disregarding how you felt about the way the conversation went, getting out would've been quite therapeutic.  As you say, next time you go, you will be better prepared.

Incidentally, my ex and I parted late last year because of too much interference by his parents.  Narcissistic MIL, chauvinistic FIL, how lucky did I get - not. lol, now.

Good luck with next time.

[White_Rose]

Hi Maureen

I went to dinner with a few friends.  We got around to talking about work. I retired eight years ago but there are times when I wish I was still working. Anyway, I contributed to the conversation with stories about where I used to work and how I got on there.  Just as valid as the current stories from others and people were interested in what I used to do.

Mary

[Maureen]

Oh pipsy, I think we were married to the same guy and had the same MIL. Was separated 13years ago. Hope you're going ok. Separations are so hard to go through. do you know the first night out of the family home I immediately realised I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. Bonus! According to her she didn't understand why her son was interested in me, he usually dated models and I was so sensible looking. 😊 

You're right Mary I could talk about my past employment. Didn't occur to me to do so last night though. I will still push myself to get out and won't use last night as an excuse not to go again.

[pipsy]

Hi there, could I call you 'soul mate'.  These MIL's leave a lot to be desired, don't they.  If I'd known what I was marrying, I'd have run - fast.  Easy to be wise after.  I think narcissistic MIL'S go to the same school.  Mary's had a great idea for your next get together.  That way, discussing past work experiences, you still have those memories.  I'm doing fine, I do have 'down' moments, but they don't last. I read books or watch comedies on t.v.  My favourite is the re-runs of 'Keeping Up Appearances' and 'As Time Goes By'.  Through being on these forums, I have found a 'family' I can talk to.  Most of us have been through hard times, so know how to cheer each other when one of us is down.  Tony also had a marvellous column re: narcissistic personalities and that's helped me realise nothing I did would've made any difference. 

Please keep writing, love to hear from you and know how you're progressing.  Remember to take things at your pace, where you're comfortable.  You know your pain tolerance. 

Much love, if I may.

[Maureen]

you certainly may pipsy. Good to hear you're mostly ok. These forums are indeed very helpful. It's just sad so many of us are suffering and so many people are still intolerant. It is slowly getting better however.

Maybe I should discuss the past joys of MILs at the next dinner. I understand we aren't the only ones who had issues. Could be a hilarious evening.

I haven't heard of either of those shows. But I do love a good comedy. Currently enjoying big bang theory.

Seeing gp this week so will get her opinion as to whether I'm negative or accepting. She knows me better than psychiatrist so will be interesting to get her opinion. I still have a ways to go with acceptance, but I feel due to these forums I'm much better at not fighting my issues.

Thanks for the chat pipsy.

Maureen