Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

[Maureen]

There are a few threads around about acceptance however I didn't want to hijack them with what I am struggling with.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, along with polyarthritis. Throughout these forums it is reiterated numerous times that once we accept our condition it can be easier to bear. I am trying to accept this new reality, the ups and downs, too many tears, too many aches and pains and the inability to work in any capacity. I thought I had started well, returning to simplistic activities I enjoyed, some contact with remaining friends and family, physical activities I am still able to be involved in, and enjoying my menagerie of 2 cats and 2 dogs. Then I went to my 6 weekly psychiatric visit.

I told her I now believed I wouldn't work again, but I had found a semi content state. She was not happy. Said I was too negative, I'd given up, I needed to get back on drugs and start seeing a psychologist. Hmmm, so much for thinking I'd finally found my happy place. 

Back to too many tears, never ending negative thoughts, increasing aches and pains, withdrawing into myself. I agreed to seeing a psychologist she recommended, psychiatrist agreed to 6 week trial of natural anxiety medications, but didn't think they would work and I needed to realise I obviously needed drugs.

So what is acceptance and what is giving up? I'm 55, can only walk for an hour or so before sitting down, cannot organise anything without activating major anxiety, have no idea when tears will come, and have lost concentration abilities and a lot of logical thinking unless given lots of time to work things out. I'm mostly happy with some companionship, and doing simplistic things at home. How is that giving up?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thank you. Maureen

[pipsy]

Hi Maureen.  Not a bad idea to compare MIL 'notes', just be careful there are none at the table.  Good that you're seeing Dr, as you say she knows you better.  My Dr is usually pretty good too, although doesn't like sometimes being told he's wrong.  No-one's infallible though.  Might be an idea to discuss your medication with Dr, too.  By the way, my real name is Lynda.  When I joined the forums, I had to give a nickname, a friend years ago had a very loving cat called Pipsy, hence the name.  I like to think I am a loving person too.  I was extremely hurt when my ex defended his mother to me.  Brought back all my insecurities, stopped me from being 'me' for a long time.  Guess I got a bit 'gun shy'.  Have gotten past most of that, now have my SOH back.  Used to love watching 'Birds Of A Feather', too.  Am unable to watch violence, brings back really bad memories. 

Good luck with Dr, maybe make a note of what you want to discuss.  Can you ask for an extended appointment, if necessary? 

[Maureen]

Hello Lynda, cute name pipsy. I must have missed the nickname field and now can't change it. Oh well! How good your sense of humour is back. Brilliant news. Mine is still hit and miss.

Having heaps of trouble finding medication that works and I can handle side effects. Gp wants me on her preference, psychiatrist wants me on a different one. Just started a natural one, like yesterday. I would really like to stay off them but past few weeks have been unpleasant.

I learnt very quickly not to complain about MIL to ex, or go against MIL herself. Nasty outcomes. Stayed out of her way as much as possible. But must admit now I'm an MIL I find it hard to keep my opinions to myself. The SIL is painful. Is this karma?

[pipsy]

Hi Maureen.  Yes, unfortunately finding good medication is tricky.  We have to be the proverbial guinea pig for a while.  However, once you get one that works, it makes the trial period worthwhile.  I was put on medication used for bipolar patients years ago.  I'm not bipolar, wasn't even diagnosed with it, my psych just decided it would help me feel better about myself.  I went through Hell with it, so just stopped taking it.  Once the medication kicks in (and this takes an indeterminate length of time), you should start noticing a change for the better.  If, after say two weeks or so, there is no change, I would go back to whoever prescribed the medication and discuss what's happening.  As I said, the guinea pig stage seems to take forever, because no two people react the same to medication.  Are your G.P and psych working together, I ask that because you indicated they seem to have prescribed two different medications.  If you are on two different meds, these can work against each other too, making you feel worse.  I never discuss MIL with ex, I don't really talk to ex as he has no conversation except money and food.  When we were together, he would discuss how much money we had (never enough, according to him), or where to go to eat.  I found both conversations boring.  I found no matter how much MIL backstabbed me, ex defended her to a T.  He is an emotional cripple and it's extremely sad.  If he worked long hours, (according to her), it was because of me (even though I begged him to be with me more often).  MIL used to accuse me of wanting everything.  All I wanted was him, it was him wanting more money, but I was blamed.  He never defended me ever.  Couldn't, didn't have the strength.    

Do you ever read the Worst Joke column on these forums.  Some make you groan, but they do brighten a day.  Have a look.

Cheers, happy Easter, Lynda.

[Maureen]

Good morning Lynda, I've just started a natural medication for anxiety that the gp suggested and psychiatrist reluctantly agreed to. If that doesn't help will need to look at something else. The gp and psychiatrist can fight it out as to which one next. Hate them, mostly because of the guinea pig deal.

too bad the ex couldn't stand up for you more. Sounds like it was the right thing to do to go on your own. Less stress definitely.

I didn't know there was a worst joke column on the forums. Will have to look for it.

Heading out with sister visiting from overseas. She's been here 4 weeks. Very difficult coping with others in the house, having to talk all the time, finding places to have a cry without being judged. They're leaving tonight for a few days. Phew!

Maureen

[pipsy]

Hi there, hope you're having a good Easter with sister.  it's nice to have them visit, but lovely when they go home.  It's the same when you go somewhere for a holiday, nice to go, better when you get home.  I suppose you can only 'reminisce' so much before that gets boring too.  You mentioned it's difficult to cry while you have people there,  I would simply say to them, if I suddenly start getting weepy, ignore, I get like that every so often.  We all have moments when we weep (seemingly, to others) over nothing.  I find I get emotional over old movies, songs about love gone wrong.  If anyone is with me, I just tell them to ignore the crying jag, it's just me.  My ex MIL used to make caustic remarks about it, I would just say, at least I have feelings.  I have a friend at church who weeps often, we just accept that, that's her.  People who know you, accept you the way you are.  If they don't, that's their problem.  You owe no-one explanations as to why you're 'you'.   My ex MIL was also very sarcastic to her husband when he would tell her how much he still loved her.  Cruel people are that way because they're jealous you're 'human' and are not scared to show emotions. 

You'll miss your sister when she goes home. 

[White_Rose]

Hello Maureen

How are you going today? I have enjoyed your sense of humour here. Great stuff. I was told, a long time ago by a psychologist, that I would get well because, among other things I had a great sense of humour. Sometimes I have to dig deep to find it. How about you? It seems to me that so often something amusing is happening when you look for it that any sadness gets kicked to one side for a short time. It all helps to keep us going.

You seem to be more positive in your posts. Is this how you see yourself? Looking forward to a couple of days on your own I see. I do agree with you. My grandson lives with me but went home during Easter to see his family. It was tremendous. Oops, just realised the time. Must cook tea for me and said grandson.

I look forward to your next post.

Mary

[Maureen]

Hello Mary and pipsy, I've crashed again. Having sister here has been so difficult. Trying to put happy face on, trying to make conversation. Now that they're away for a few days the horrible guilt feelings are taking over, I'm ruining their holiday, I'm not doing enough for them, I'm snapping at them when they're just trying to help. So this will be me today, let it out so I can then put that smiley face back on. They have one more night with me in a couple of days. 

[pipsy]

Hi sweetie, yes, putting on a smile when you least feel like it is difficult.  I doubt you're ruining their holidays, they're probably not even aware of your down feelings.  While they're away, take advantage of the time and relax, unwind.  I imagine you're in a bit of physical agony too with the polyarthritis.  Are they aware you have this debilitating problem?  Did you manage to read the worst joke column or haven't you felt like laughing?  We don't always feel like laughing when we're feeling 'yukky'.   Whatever relaxation technique you use, I would take full advantage of it while you're alone.  If you feel like you just want to talk to unburden have you tried phoning our helpline.  Also, of course, keep posting.  I suggested the helpline, because sometimes it's nice to talk to someone, to hear a soothing, understanding voice.  When your sister gets back, whatever else you do, don't apologise.  You never apologise for feeling like crap.  She may understand more than you think, but she may be one of these who use phrases like 'snap out of it', that'll make you feel like whacking her, so, hopefully, by the time she gets back, you'll be feeling a bit more positive than you are right now.  Maybe phone one of the friends you went out to dinner with.  Sometimes talking to people who are not related works better.  Just remember, help is always available whenever you need it.      

[Maureen]

Hello pipsy, my sister comes back today, stays overnight and then my daughter is taking to her house til they leave. It's terrible but I spent past few days syching myself up to cope with one more day. Still feeling super anxious and have a cold. And my dogs have fleas. I mention those two events because I feel like someone is hitting me with, 'how much can you cope with'. I say enough. Spent yesterday washing dog bedding, shampooing dogs, getting flea stuff into them and vacuuming. Bright side, my sister wasn't here to see the fleas. Her partner freaks out over any bugs. Could you imagine her response to that. Didn't find anymore on the dogs this morning so cross fingers I got them.

I had a good vent to my daughter yesterday which helped, got some things into perspective. I love having adult children.

[pipsy]

Hi Maureen, I would definitely keep the 'flea' situation to yourself. There are some things that are better left unsaid. Can I share with you something that happened to me about 35 years ago. You may wince, cringe, I did at the time. I look back and wonder how I survived. I was in a bad relationship (I seem to be good at 'picking' them). I have 2 kids, they were both very young at the time. I had a friend in a neighbouring suburb. She invited me and kids to stay for however long it took. I took her up on the offer. Took about from the frying pan to the fire. The first night, I hardly slept because I could feel 'creepy crawlies'. I thought nothing of it, just thought it was my nerves. My kids never complained, they were just pleased to be out of the situation. By the 3rd night, however, after looking at my legs, they were covered in red welts, I examined my kids, same thing. I figured mozzy bites. Went to the Dr for cream and was told 'bed 'bugs' (truly). Now I'd heard the saying: 'mind the bed bugs don't bite' who hasn't, but thought that was all it was. As soon as it was confirmed I thanked my friend for her hospitality, took the kids and RAN. It didn't take long for the welts to disappear, but we've never forgotten that. We never told my friend, obviously her and her family weren't bothered. My kids are now both married with children, but we were reminiscing over Easter and that story was rehashed. It is great when you have adult kids to share problems and laughs with. Sometimes they have ways of turning the most horrific situations into gales of laughter. My daughter is something of a drama queen, when my son says something outrageous, she rolls her eyes skyward, groans and says 'here comes child again'. They love each other to bits and have always been there for each other and me.

Hope that little story brings a smile to an otherwise dull day.