FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

6 weeks with mother in law

Xando33
Community Member

Okay I don't know how to start this just going to dive right in.

 

I am posting in hopes to hear of similar stories and advice to help. I am about to depart to the USA from AU to stay with my mother in law for 6 weeks. Last time we met she lived with us for 6weeks and the whole time was pure tension because she wanted to control and change our brand new house. She did not like that I had a day and stood up to her saying we like our house the way it is and my wife and I are decorating at our own pace. There was a lot of guilting going on between her and my wife because my wife had chosen to live in the other side of the world and that "was like a limb being torn off" for her mum. She would say her days are all dark and gloomy when she is away from her daughter to our faces nearly every second day. We know for a fact she is happy when she is back in USA because we call her every second week.

I would stand up to her knowing she was only making her daughter (my wife) depressed by not communicating in a healthy way. And I would ask her to communicate it in a kinder way. 

She did not like me doing this and no matter how calm I was she would over react.

The worst part is to come. After all 6weeks we were back in the USA with her for one week before we got to go have some time for ourselves. My wife was driving on the right for the first time in a year (her mum refused to drive) so we asked her to keep quiet there would be a lot of concentration involved and I was helping with directions in a foreign country. It eventually came to her talking and I politely said "yes that's great but let's just be quiet like agreed there is a lot going on right now" well she did not like that and kept on chattering saying she has already said it so what do I want her to do. Well between my wife chiming in making things louder, the little sleep after traveling for 36hours and being on the opposite side of the road helping my wife drive I lost it. I yelled. I screamed "SHUT UP!". I lost it, I was triggered. I was immediately apologetic and trying to explain.

She was offended and didn't want to hear it. Which I though was reasonable, we can talk later. 5days went past and I tried talking on multiple occasions. My mother in law spent the whole time complaining to her friends how awful I was. It came to our final departure and I got her asside to give a huge soeach about how awful it was of me to over react that way and I never wanted to do it again. Unfortunately I made the mistake of exaggerating my point in a hope that she would say no I was not that bad. I said I was a monster for the way I acted and she said "yes you were" and I don't think I can ever forgive you. 

To this day I have asked a few times if things between us could be forgiven and she refuses to let this happen.

It is clear I need to move on and forgive myself and not expect her forgiveness.

 

But now I am about to go live with her for 6weeks and I don't know if I can handle it. Hotels are not an option because she lives in Boston (super expensive we can't afford it) and unless we live so far away we can't afford a hotel. I don't want to do that either because I don't want my wife missing out on valuable time.

I feel trapped.

Advice?

Thank you ❤️

2 Replies 2

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

The way I see it, you can either continue to dwell on the past (irrespective of apportioning blame or guilt), or clean the slate by releasing the memory and yourself from the negative encounter that MIL is relishing more from the control it affords her over you than any significant umbrage caused - it's simply a power thing and your squirming only empowers the behaviour.
Just be positive and charming for you are her guest and some deference is sort of mandatory; plus you would be wise remembering it is more for your wife that you are making this sacrifice.
However, if you feel the need, make plans for wife and mother to spend some quality time together while you go off exploring - they would probably welcome the chance for a heart to heart without company anyway (you do realise you may not be the apple of MILs eye!).
Once she sees you are not affected by her petulance, the game will end (until finding some new entertainment to her amusement) - such is the extent we go to for love, huh?

That said, being considerate to any actual, implied, or unintended hurt, it is important for MIL to have her say if it satisfies her to do so. All you need to do is acknowledge how she feels and this should help mend that bridge over time.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Xando33

 

Definitely sounds like a stressful situation, going to stay with someone who you can easily feel doesn't like you. The fact that you're willing to do this for your wife speaks volumes when it comes to the sort of person you are.

 

I can't help but wonder how your wife has managed her mum's behaviour in the past. Is it kind of like 'No, I can't say that to my mum, it'll upset her and she'll get angry with me and I don't want the stress' and you act as her knight in shining armour? Perhaps her mum's behaviour is more so like water off a duck's back for her. She doesn't see all that much of a problem with it and easily ignores it. I think how she sees it will play a part in how it's managed, as I think it's partly your wife's responsibility to manage her mum's behaviour.

 

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure I could do what you're about to do for 6 whole weeks. I'm not sure how well my nervous system or mind would cope. Call me selfish but I think it's really important that we give great consideration to our physical and mental health. In some ways our partner can help play a positive part in that. When I think about my in laws, they are such incredibly kind and generous people but what I really struggle with is the level of racism they feel comfortable in expressing. While my husband and I live in Melbourne and they live in a another state, I'd spoken to him some time ago about how incredibly uncomfortable it made me feel when we'd all spend weeks at a time together. I tolerated it for years until I just couldn't anymore. I asked him to speak to them. At first he wouldn't because he loves being the golden child. Eventually he spoke to them. His mum had a pretty good filter but his dad found it a good laugh to taunt me with the occasional racist comment. The times we went to stay with them for a couple of weeks, I'd beg my husband for us to have a few days to our selves first but always got 'No, I want to stay with them the whole time. They're my parents and I miss them'. Seeing this is the only type of holiday we'd ever have together, it would end in fights, as I'd fight for the time to have a tiny holiday interstate that didn't involve some level of dread. My husband flat out refused to seriously address the issue. While I may sound a little delicate, keep in mind my brother's wife is Chinese, my sister's son is part Italian, one of my friends is aboriginal and I'd spent my whole childhood being conditioned to not tolerate a level of racism you can really feel on so many levels. The most important thing though involves the fact I would resolve an issue with my family if it was something that tormented my husband to such a degree.

 

I think there's a time where people have got to step up and act or speak on our behalf in a way that can productively resolve tension. While it may prove a challenge for them, it remains their challenge. If they refuse to accept and manage that challenge, an undeniable problem remains. After about 25 years of having known my husband's family, I simply won't tolerate what my husband refuses to seriously address and having grown a little less tolerant over the years, I know would no longer be able to contain my feelings. Words would be said. I simply choose to no longer visit, for everyone's sake. I know I sound harsh but I can think of much happier ways to spend a holiday. A somewhat dreadful (dread filled) holiday is not an enjoyable one, that's for sure. How is your wife prepared to manage things, so that it's not a dreadful holiday for you?