10 years later

[Oddities]

I've never been very good at talking about my feeling but here goes.

I'm a 31yr old guy, with a beautiful soon to be wife and my wonderful 19 month old son. I've had stable employment for over 10 years now and try to end each day ahead of the last. What alot of people don't see though, is my anxiety that makes me double check everything, it makes me doubt my ability and at times makes me feel like I'm going insane.

I can only describe this as a feeling of my mind is stuck in an unrelenting, thick fog of madness.

For 9 of these 10 years I've had a pretty good handle on things and have moved forward well, although the recent passing of my grandfather whome I was close with has turned everything upside down.

let's go back, and I will keep it brief.

I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder 10 years ago and put on medication, I was also smoking a considerable quantity of cannabis and drinking. This lasted 12 months before I crashed in an almighty collision of reality and what I'd been avoiding. I was put on a second medication, to which I had a rare reaction where I didn't sleep for 5 days and the sickness was almost unbearable, this combined with my grand ideas to stop smoking cannabis and stop taking the first medication all at once, leads me to my visit to the local Mental Health Hospital. I had a sneaky pill before they got to me to drag me out there so by the time I was being examined I was ok, and managed to talk my way out of it.

Two days later I had a visit to a Psychiatrist who spoke with me at length and decided that a third medication was the correct medication for me. I was underweight, couldn't eat for days at a time and wasn't sleeping. This medication after 4 weeks had that sorted.

Cut back to today, and I've been having more bad days than good and have been struggling quite alot. I've scheduled regular appointments with a psychologist and am now feeling like its day 1 all over again. My partner is amazing and has truly been the anchor I've needed and without her I hate to think of where I could be now.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, but any support from fellow sufferers might be the thing I need on a bad day to see that light at the end of the tunnel. When its bad, I feel like I'm losing my mind, like this is it and I'm about to say goodbye to my dwindling grip on reality. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I just want to be happy again

[Petal22]

Hi Geoff, 😊

how are you.... yes the article is correct........ I learned to sit back and “watch” my thoughts..... I longer get involved with them..... yes when we stop doing the compulsions we sit with the feelings and thoughts.... eventually by doing this practice the thoughts get less and less and then disappear altogether....

I learned seeking re assurance was also a compulsion so I stopped seeking it altogether....

annalysing was another compulsion..... I’ve also stopped doing this..

I learned what kept me in my cycle and stopped doing all of it..... meditation was great for this too.....

also questioning the thought.... this also keeps us in our cycle..

if I can learn what keeps me in my ocd cycle and stop doing it then I believe there is hope for other people who are stuck in the grips of the OCD cycle to break free of it too...

😊

[geoff]

Hello Petal, a good comment, thank you.

This illness prevents us from being able to stop these particular behaviours, even if we know they should and realise they don't need to be done but are compelled by this obsession/compulsion which in fact, we really know they shouldn't be done but that's not strong enough to stop us from needing to perform them.

We are unable to prevent these repetitive behaviours because they are activities that those affected by it need to do to reduce the anxiety, whether it's warranted or not and as soon as someone says to you, 'you don't need to do that', the more you have to do it.

Anyone who has been able to stop these obsessions and compulsions has my total respect.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Oddities]

Hi all,

So today's update.

Bit of an out of left field one but this morning was fine, anxiety was minimal, manageable, and seemed to be the start of a good day. Then I had this lingering feeling of darkness, like all of the colour from the world was slowly being sucked away. By mid morning I felt like my world was cold, distant, lonely and otherwise isolated. It was a rather left field play on my minds behalf. I poked along at work, kept super busy and kept my hands tinkering. I'm very, VERY fortunate that I have a boss who although doesn't understand how I feel, understands what helps me and just loaded me up with intricate jobs that were all new problems to solve which helps alot.

During my lunch break I attempted a small meditation but found it almost impossible to focus which left me feeling like I'd failed myself.

I picked up my son at 4pm and he is also rather flat today with teething so out usual afternoon walk was postponed till tomorrow.

I have another Psychologist appointment tomorrow aswell as a GP visit so I will discuss these events in detail with them.

I've had these small bouts of depression in the past but only recall them lasting a few days at best but to be honest it's been a fair while since I have had one.

Just another hurdle on the road to recovery I guess.

I have also been reading up on the stages of grief and loss which I feel fits the bill of my raging emotions this past few months rather closely so here it to hoping this depressing feeling I seem to have come across is the later process to acceptance.

As always, thank you to everyone who posts here and offers support and advice, the comments and words of kindness here help to remind me my struggle is not unique and we are all on this earth to help each other.

[Petal22]

Hi Oddities,

Sorry you were feeling a bit down today but congratulations for pushing forward and keeping busy.... well done.... that’s wonderful you have such a supportive boss...

When I had a down day I’d always tell myself tomorrow was going to be better and it usually was.... staying positive really helps ..

Sorry for your loss it must be really difficult to go through...

yes you are never alone

All the best with your gp and phycologist appointments.... 😊

[Petal22]

I also wanted to add it’s great that you tried meditation on your lunch break.... be proud of yourself for giving it a go ..... we all have days that we find meditation challenging but just say to yourself... that’s ok.... I’ll try again tonight....

Try not to be too hard on yourself give yourself some positive self talk....

I hope your sons teething improves soon and you have a really nice walk when you get out next..... something to look forward to...

😊

[Oddities]

So this week has already proven to be testing. Anxiety is creeping back up but I'm keeping positive and reminding myself that the days will be better and although it feels like 1 step forward and 2 steps back that I've recovered from this before and will again. I'm listening to the Dare app videos and finding them very helpful as it's an approach I've not used before but am willing to try. Hopefully the persistence proved worth it.

[Petal22]

Keep pushing forward Oddities, well done 👍 yes you have been here before and overcome it you WILL do this again just keep going!

your good days will eventually outweigh the bad ones!

stay positive

[Petal22]

Perseverance definitely pays off ! Keep your renewed mindset... 😊