10 years later

[Oddities]

I've never been very good at talking about my feeling but here goes.

I'm a 31yr old guy, with a beautiful soon to be wife and my wonderful 19 month old son. I've had stable employment for over 10 years now and try to end each day ahead of the last. What alot of people don't see though, is my anxiety that makes me double check everything, it makes me doubt my ability and at times makes me feel like I'm going insane.

I can only describe this as a feeling of my mind is stuck in an unrelenting, thick fog of madness.

For 9 of these 10 years I've had a pretty good handle on things and have moved forward well, although the recent passing of my grandfather whome I was close with has turned everything upside down.

let's go back, and I will keep it brief.

I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder 10 years ago and put on medication, I was also smoking a considerable quantity of cannabis and drinking. This lasted 12 months before I crashed in an almighty collision of reality and what I'd been avoiding. I was put on a second medication, to which I had a rare reaction where I didn't sleep for 5 days and the sickness was almost unbearable, this combined with my grand ideas to stop smoking cannabis and stop taking the first medication all at once, leads me to my visit to the local Mental Health Hospital. I had a sneaky pill before they got to me to drag me out there so by the time I was being examined I was ok, and managed to talk my way out of it.

Two days later I had a visit to a Psychiatrist who spoke with me at length and decided that a third medication was the correct medication for me. I was underweight, couldn't eat for days at a time and wasn't sleeping. This medication after 4 weeks had that sorted.

Cut back to today, and I've been having more bad days than good and have been struggling quite alot. I've scheduled regular appointments with a psychologist and am now feeling like its day 1 all over again. My partner is amazing and has truly been the anchor I've needed and without her I hate to think of where I could be now.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, but any support from fellow sufferers might be the thing I need on a bad day to see that light at the end of the tunnel. When its bad, I feel like I'm losing my mind, like this is it and I'm about to say goodbye to my dwindling grip on reality. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I just want to be happy again

[Oddities]

I'm glad you mentioned this as that is something I have had alpt of trouble with. I speak with the ones I care about and try explain how I feel and due to others not having the first hand experiences, I always think they don't understand the gravity of anxiety so bad you feel like your losing your mind or the fact I need to do things twice and sometimes three times.

[Oddities]

So I would like to write up an update.

I have spent the last two weeks very busy with my absolute life passion, which is drag racing.

In sydney last weekend I found the drive there, talking to my father to be quite relaxing in the conversations of day to day life and our plans for the upcoming racing. Once we got to the track, the anxiety started. We set up, which kept my mind partially occupied but once we were done, I was at around 8 out of 10 on the "rattled" index. I spoke with my father about it and while he doesn't understand what it feels like, he understands how debilitating it is for me and does what he can to talk and help. The next day, our tuner got there and I was very worried he would think I was going mad and didn't know what to do. After a bit of walking around trying to get my head straight, i went over to day hello, after the usual how have you been, dad looks to me and says, "tell him how your really doing mate". He was very understanding and our conversations after made me realise I feed the anxiety and in my own thoughts take it from 2 out of 10, to 8 out of 10 based on hypothetical situations.

This past weekend we were in QLD and although I had a couple of small bouts, it was nice to have the knowledge that our whole crew knew I was having a rough patch lately and all were very friendly, understanding and supportive.

Has anyone else here had these kinds of situations where you amplify an already irrational feeling by focusing in not on unrealistic hypothicals?

[Petal22]

Hi Oddities,

I just wanted to say I think it’s fantastic that you do drag racing! Good on you....... never let your anxiety stop you from doing the things you love! It’s wonderful you have a supportive father......

always open up to the ones who want to be there for you if you feel comfortable doing so .......... just having some one listen to you really helps......

I understand I think our anxiety makes hypotheticals so much bigger in our heads when the reality is so much less...... I have found meditation very helpful for this I’ve learned I’m not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts ..... so I can now sit back and watch what my mind is doing without getting involved in it.... there for it doesn’t raise my anxiety now..... I remain calm and have a clear clarity on things........ I highly recommend meditation if you haven’t tried it.....

I also understand what you are saying when you said you reflect on your OCD I understand things go very fast in our minds when we start to spiral....... can I just suggest something you could try? When you have a ocd thought ( intrusive) just redirect your attention onto something in the present moment?
Eg..... what does your drag car sound like? What can you smell, how does your drag car look? Really study it..... little bits and pieces of it.......

this will take you out of your head and stop you spiraling because your attention has been redirected into something in the present moment....

practice this daily.... not just when you have an intrusive thought it trains your attention...... our attention is like a muscle it needs exercise 😊

keep in touch

[geoff]

Hello Oddities, anybody who doesn't suffer from OCD doesn't understand why we have these obsessions, compulsions and intrusive thoughts, for example, we can't explain why we have to keep checking the backdoor lock, their comments are 'you've just checked it twice, why check it again, so it is impossible to say, that's what OCD does to me, even then they still don't understand and that's really upsetting.

My twin doesn't have this illness, and when we were sleeping in the same room, not once did he ever question any of my OCD habits, somehow he just knew, perhaps I was doing them in the womb, that I'll never know, but he doesn't care at all, although now I hide everything I do.

If for any reason I'm caught out, I have an excuse, but this rarely happens, but I know how you are feeling.

Unfortunately, it runs in my family, not any of my siblings have it, but a couple of their kids, not everyone thank goodness, and I don't believe my parents had it, and only wish I knew if my grandparents had it, but will never know.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Oddities]

The drag racing really is something that I feel in past years has kept me sane and given me an outlet for mental energy and attention. My father and I race at a rather high level as far as our results so the data aquasition and analysis is paramount to successful passes down the track. Although I do have to note and acknowledge that I past relationships I have been noted as becoming obsessive when it comes to racing. I spend hours and hours researching what results others have achieved and how they have done it, I look and think about the physics of the car and how we can improve and study our data to look for anything that can be improved on.

The anxiety I feel as mentioned above feels a little diffrent to what others have described, (I think atleast) in that I don't particularly have anything I can pinpoint feeling anxious about. I just feel like my mind has a thick fog in it and my ability to focus and be in the present becomes distant, and then the OCD habits come along as something for me to regain some kind of order. Does this make much sense?

[Oddities]

Can I ask mate, do you find you get OCD behaviour as a result of anxiety? Or do you have these habits and they make you anxious?

It's brilliant that your twin does not mind nor feel it to be any diffrent than normal that you have these habits as that is most likely the person who knows you best and understands that you are the way you are and loves you for exactly that.

[Oddities]

So today was a good day, it wasn't a struggle day but I had a few moments when I felt the anxiety/mind fog coming along. With these feelings I diverted my attention to other things and put my head to work on tasks in my work. It was nice to have a day where I came home feeling like it was a successful day and I got through it comfortably.

I will restart my meditation before bed tonight I think and start trying to get into the habit of doing it each night. I've been maintaining my evening walks with my partner which has been a good exercise routine to get My partner, our son, and our two pooches out and stretch our legs. With the meditation I see it now as exercise for my mind.

I have also decided that for every good day I have in this world I would like to extend that feeling to others. I have spoke ln to my partner about setting aside time each night to respond to people on these forums and try to give out some of the knowledge and assurance that we might all be individuals but our struggles are all similar. We will survive these troubles and we will all come out with smiles and stronger people for it.

[Petal22]

Hi Oddities,

I just wanted to congratulate you on what your noticing about your thoughts.... you “noticed” feeding your anxiety with your thoughts ...... the fact that you have noticed yourself doing this is a great step because you are observing what your thoughts (mind) is doing....

once you notice this behaviour.... try to disengage from it.... instead turn your attention gently to something in the present moment..... eg when going out for a walk with your beautiful family.... how does the breeze feel on your face, what can you hear or smell or just notice your beautiful surroundings 😊 this will then break the cycle and you will learn to be calm and relaxed in the moment 😊

The thick fog you are talking about..... I think back to when I had severe anxiety and when I felt like that was when I felt in the midst of a panic attack..... until that feeling subsided was when I could focus my attention more.......gradually as I learned different strategies for my anxiety and how not to get caught up in my cycle did this feeling fade...... I think my medication also helped 😊

I think your drag car racing sounds great, it’s great you have something you can give your attention to and mental energy that really helps 😊

Im glad to hear you had a good day today, that’s fantastic to hear when you had anxiety/ fog you put your attention on your work or what you were doing that’s great progress! You should be proud of yourself...... the more you do this the easier it will become to re direct your attention 😊

I think doing meditation every night is a wonderful idea it’s great exercise for our attention 😊 mind, body and spirit 😊

exercise daily is also great 😊 nice family time too......

I think it’s wonderful you are going to contribute to other people on these forums 😊 it’s always nice to support and help each other out

so true I believe our struggles make us stronger people..... we grow from them and in return can also help others on their life journeys 😊

You deserve to have many many good days on this earth..... I’m sure the best is yet to come for you 😊

keep in touch 😊

[Sunshine188]

Hey Oddities

Hope today has been alright for you. I’m sorry to hear things have been a bit tough lately.
I’m glad that you have supportive people around you right now.
I can relate to what you mentioned earlier, about OCD tendencies creeping in, when life feels like it’s getting extra overwhelming.
my anxiety has been a bit awful lately and I find myself become extra obsessive or controlling in other aspects of my life (Turned the car around and came back home to double check I’d locked the front door etc)

it can be exhausting sometimes.
Know that this is a safe space and I hope that you’ve found these forums to be helpful.

let us know how things go. Thinking of you. Try to hang in there, even when it feels hard. It sounds like you have a lot of perspective and that you’re taking some really positive steps towards looking after yourself

[geoff]

Hello Oddities, if we think anxiety is the problem causing this, then we will only do more compulsions to get rid of it, which in fact increases the anxiety, and an article I've just read says that ' if the compulsions are the problem, stop doing them, and stay with the fearful situation, then the anxiety will eventually go away as you build up a tolerance', but only this may happen under very specific conditions, which I certainly can't obtain to, they are too powerful, simply because, how can you when you can't get these obsessions out of your thinking, they do take time and energy to complete doing them, but once they are done they're not actually completed, they keep reoccurring.

Certain people have said on the forums that they have cured their OCD, I applaud them for doing so, but for others, these obsessions and compulsions have to be done so they can finally feel at ease but only for a moment, because they need to be done once again to try and reassure ourselves, but again this lasts only for a few minutes.

We can't do these 'habits' once a day and then expect our lives to return to 'normal', this illness doesn't work like that.

I just can't walk past something I always do a habit on, if I do, that makes me anxious and then I have to find a way to go back and complete this obs/compulsion.

As Sunshine says there have been many times when I've done exactly the same as what's been said.

Take care.

Geoff.