topic Grief - son gone at 22yrs in Grief and loss

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

White_Owl — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 07:53:47 GMT

this is my first time here. i don't know where to turn as losing my son in January this year has killed my soul. i feel as if i have exhausted all the support i have had around me and i can see how everyone has gotten on with their lives and rightly so, but that's not where my life is at. this is the loneliest feeling i've ever experienced. it's so hard to listen to people talk about the struggles in their lives as i would give anything to swap my struggle with theirs, i find it difficult to not think of their "complaints or issues" as quite trivial, in fact but i do recall that given one year ago, i too was one of these people thinking i had problems. how a day can change your life, actually not even a day, just those crucial few minutes that you wish you could take back and change. i wish i had a mundane life again with trivial complaints. i feel the only place to turn now is here, where i can be anonymous, where maybe there is someone else feeling what i am feeling to help ease my feelings of loneliness. i don't like it when people say i'm looking good, that doesn't feel like a compliment at all, it feels as if losing my son doesn't matter at all and i have just moved on with life and superficial appearances....even though i know full well that's not at all what they meant. i just cant be happy about anything any more. i also despise it when people say i need to look after myself now and get on with my life.....how offended i am when people tell me that ! let them walk in my shoes and see if they feel like just moving on with life as if they just lost a job or something bearable like that. there's no joy, no passion, no excitement, i'm just an empty shell without my baby boy and can't see the light.

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

white knight — Thu, 09 Oct 2014 11:27:03 GMT

Hi White owl, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

In 1979 I lost my brother. He checked out. I worked as a worder in a jail and couldnt stand to see healthy humans wasting their lives away.

And I felt like you. People with trivial issues. I was angry at the world. I lived in a flat at the time and a new family moved in a few flats down from me. A couple from Queensland. I was invited to a party at yet another flat. We residents all attended.

I began talking to the new couple. As usual my anger vented. The lady burst into tears and ran home. I was shocked. Her husband wouldnt explain at the time why. The next day I knocked on their door to apologise and was made a cuppa. They had moved from Queensland to start a new life. Not long ago they lost their 3 children and both her parents in a 4 wheel drive that was in a horrific accident.

This story wasnt meant to make you feel guilty at all White Owl. It is to explain that there are always some people worse off.

It is not easy recovering (wrong word as one never recovers). To "get on with your life". We all grieve differently and we are entitled to grieve as we need to. Often it is pride of their child (as I have of my dad) that gets us through to the light of the end of the tunnel. So grief is often replaced by thoughts of things like- other memories of that person, living in the honour ("I'm so proud of my sons achievements and he'd be looking down at me now happy that I'm having a good day...that's what he'd want"), having others share your grief (grief counsellors?) etc. In other words in most cases full on grief is slowly lessened by diversion and a raising of acceptance.

A parent never think they will survive their children. You were (and still are)obviously a loving and caring parent. How wonderful White Owl. Cradle him in your arm where ever you go, by all means keep him in your heart where he is warm and loved. But try to get this into some perspective and that might need some professional guidence.

Take care. Thankyou for listening

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

AGrace — Thu, 09 Oct 2014 18:47:13 GMT

Hi White Owl,

Welcome to the forums. I really do hope that you feel they are an anonymous safe space to come and be around others who may share in a similar experience to that of your own. I am truly sorry for your loss, and I hope that one day you will find the strength and will that is needed to survive such a terribly tragic experience.

WK is right, we do never know who is better off or worse of than us. To some our issues can seem trivial, and to others they seem mountainous. I don't have children, and can't imagine how it would feel to lose a child. I do however know the pain and hurt brought about by grief. I lost my boyfriend to suicide. He was just 20 years old. Far too young to leave this world, and to leave me, his family, and friends behind.

You're right, there comes a time when others appear to have moved on from their grief, and it often feels like you are still stuck in the depths of hurt and despair, and you are left feeling like others obviously didn't hurt or care as much, otherwise how could they just move on as though it never happened. WK is right, that everyone grieves differently. Your grief is still so new, and there are so many stages you will go through. These stages don't form a linear pattern, there is no beginning and no set middle, and no predetermined end. You will float from one stage to the next, and often back again, and sometimes round and round in circles. Don't lose hope thought, as even without you believing or seeing, there will come a time when you are ready to heal. It might not be tomorrow, it might not be next year, but you will heal. I use the word heal, because in my experience it's the deepest wound one will ever face, to lose a loved one, and there is not getting over it, only going through it.

Have you received any form of grief counselling? Have you reached out to any grief support groups? When I lost my boyfriend, there was little help available, but now there's a wide variety of support on offer. Sometimes these supports can be more resourceful than the support our loved ones can give. Walking along side someone who has shared your sorrow, can sometimes make the healing process a little easier to bare. Is this something you would consider? If so, Beyondblue would be able to help you find some appropriate support.

I also wanted to know if you have other immediate family, your son's father for example? Other children? Please only answer my questions if you feel you can.

AGrace

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Mz13114 — Wed, 20 May 2015 00:52:07 GMT

To White Owl,

Every single pain you have described is so real to me as well. My beautiful 23 year old son decided to suddenly leave us in Jan. 2014. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I am all over the place and have only just trusted myself in public over the last six months by going back to nursing school. I get sick of having to wear a mask and well meaning people saying the most hurtful things, only because they don't get it or are too afraid to talk about it,

The sweeping generalisations regarding how my son died and the language that goes with it in nursing school has frustrated me. Gus' Dad, his sister and I have been told so many times to consider the feelings of others and understand how hard it is for extended family and friends to talk about our son. I don't mean for this to be a griefstricken whingefest, I just realise the stigma with suicide is very hard to cope with when my loss is too hard to bear sometimes.

I always speak to Gus and no longer worry if I'm going mad. It helps me. I am slowly realising that I will never be the same or have the naive belief that if we live well, make sure our children know how much we love them and think the universe will look after us all. But I will never stop being lucky to have had the love of Gus for 23 years and see him become a caring and loving son, partner to his "wifey" Mel, brother and friend.

I know its time for me to get more support because I don't think acceptance will ever be. Grief is dynamic and some days I am able to celebrate who my son has been and even tolerate well meaning people when they tell me those movie cliche's. How selfish, no heaven for him etc. A gift from my grief is that I never stay silent but I will always try to be respectful.

Beyond Blue has had a big impact on me only in the past week. Gus's love, Mel was able to share the reality of what happened in a supportive and caring environment. It's inspiring and also painful as I will always feel guilt and responsibility for loss and trauma she had to endure, as well as his close friends.

Making myself get involved in life and always try to be compassionate is so important to me now. I am slowly understanding that I need to be kind to myself and the guilt I have hopefully grows as a motivator to make sure Gus' life is not defined by the unimaginable pain of his death but by the amazing life we got to share with a shining star.

Yes, today I am going OK. I'm sure the sleeplessness and tears will be back real soon. Grief is such a large part of me now and White Owl, I am so sorry you don't have your son to hug and share all the mortal stuff. It helps to know I am not going insane with grief though at times others think I am.

I know others have lost whole families and endured horrendous experiences. I am still too scared to lessen the unbearable loss Mel, Neil, Tgz and I have gone through. The fallout from such a sudden loss and the frustration of ill equipped health services due to government politics is neverending. The silence around suicide just makes it more taboo on the one hand and also makes it more attractive on the other.

I hope your days and nights become more bearable and like you, I need to become less isolated and hopefully have the courage to return to a support group with people who unfortunately understand the loss of such a treasured and so brief life taken. I am a completely different person now and priorities are very different. My anger takes over sometimes and it does get irrational and bloody annoying to others. I am reflecting more now and am always willing to accept my errors. Well I aim to.

I hope I can trust enough to get some councelling again. I have had a hard time accepting that my llife is all about loss now. Ageing is all about loss and there is some freedom in knowing not to expect a blissful life just because I'm good and caring.

Thanks for sharing your pain White Owl. It has helped me to accept my pain.

Mz13114

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Doolhof — Wed, 20 May 2015 08:25:56 GMT

Hi Mz,

I have just read your post. I am so very sorry to read of the suicide of your son.

My husband and I were unable to have live children, I only manage to make it to 21 weeks gestation twice, which meant holding funerals for little perfect babies that didn't have a chance to be born alive. I also had three miscarriages.

Sometimes people don't know what to say, so they say what ever comes to mind. I have been deeply hurt by some of the comments people have made to me.

Then I think, if I was in their shoes, would I know what to say to someone who was hurting so much?

I have found some people do care even though they have no way of understanding the pain and hurt I have felt over the years.

I too hope you are able to find and attend a support group. I have also used the web chat here at Beyond Blue to talk about some of my issues and also the phone chat line.

When people told me that time would heal my wounds I didn't know how to reply to that. "Time" has helped but I still have sad and dark days of unresolved grief.

I'd just like to point out to you that this post you have replied to was started in October of 2014, so I am not sure that White Owl will reply to you.

If you don't receive too many comments here, but you are wanting to share your story further, then I suggest you start up your own post.

I can't comprehend what you are gong through, but I do understand grief and loss.

Thinking of you, from Lauren

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Mz13114 — Wed, 20 May 2015 10:54:50 GMT

To Doolhof,

thank you for sharing your unimaginable pain with me. We were discussing grief and loss today and I was talking about how hard it must be for people who lose their babies like you . This is what I said was an invisible grief . People don't mean to be mean, well most, but there seems to be a judgemental time limit on our pain and sorrow.

There is no comparison to anyone's loss and I am so ....... I don't know what word to use.......,, but for someone to take the time to be caring to me while your own pain I could never know is such an unselfish and honest example of no pretend caring. My English is pretty bad but I hope you get what I mean. I am so grateful to be able to talk about Gus coz my partner doesn't want to. He sees a psych who has also lost a child. I am so sorry and selfishly so lucky you spoke to me.

Im not used to forums but I know I can't waste my life in self pity. Sometimes I do but I soon realise I want to celebrate or share our beautiful son and be there for anyone in pain. Sorry for waffling. I hope I can pass on your care and honesty and I will learn from you to love and live and never forget your children or ours.

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Neil_1 — Thu, 21 May 2015 00:45:23 GMT

To mz

Thank you so much for coming here and being able to provide your post about your wonderful son, Gus.

It was mentioned that time heals – I refer to it as you are cut open with a huge jagged cut to the body, to the soul and time heals it over (it takes a long time), but what’s left behind is a scar and at times that scar flares up and is painful, very painful.

I’m in a slightly different situation where I lost my closest brother, my best mate, in a drowning accident back in 1991 – I was with him and unable to save him. He was 29, I was 25. Since that time, that has changed me so much and with all that occurred after that and the years after that, things just never got back to anything like they were and yeah, the grief, the guilt, the stabbing pain of loss is still very real for me. Hence why I have my own severe depression and PTSD.

I’m really pleased that you were able to come here and write about Gus and you know, my Mum (who passed away just last October) always told me that she spoke to my brother every night before she went to bed. I just wanted to mention that as you said you speak to Gus and for me, I can totally understand that.

I liked the line you said about how you have the naïve belief that if we live well in the future, the universe will look after us – I hope I got that right – because I think this also. It doesn’t happen that way – the world, the universe, just goes on and on and what ever happens this afternoon or tomorrow, will happen and there’s nothing we can do about it. So we just have to roll with the punches and continue on.

So many times I’ve wanted to shout out to others, how on earth can you keep being the way you are – I’ve lost my brother, my Dad and my Mum – and you act like it doesn’t mean anything to you. Now how selfish is that? Because it wouldn’t mean anything to the general public at all – sure they would sympathise, etc, but 2 mins later, they’ll be thinking or doing whatever it is they are up to in their lives – while we are being ripped apart inside with what seems to be a razor sharp jagged edge knife, that twists and turns.

So onward we trudge – for if we don’t, well the world won’t stop for us.

Ps: you used the word selfish a couple of times and you know, I truly believe you’re not selfish at all. What you were saying, you were meaning with all your heart and that does not make you selfish.

Neil

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Doolhof — Thu, 21 May 2015 11:19:10 GMT

Hello Mz,

Thank you so much for your very kind words and acknowledgement of the frief and pain I have experienced.

I think your English is just fine. I really like your description of a grief like mine as being "invisible grief." That is so very insightful of you!

I am so pleased for you that you have come to this forum to share your story with us. If it helps you to write about Gus, then please feel comfortable to do so.

The "Community" here at Beyond Blue care for each other and we all have our own stories. It is through our understanding of hurt and pain that we can reach out to others.

Over the years I have had to understand that my husband, his family and most of mine find it very uncomfortable to talk about our babies. I have learnt to accept that. Also over the years I have been in touch with so many wonderful children, I have been truly blessed.

Do not apologise for thinking you have been waffling. I find that sharing how I am feeling helps me to heal and feel better. You may feel the same way.

I like to light a candle now and then in memory of our babies. I also think of other loved ones who have died.

I hope that in time you find ways to feel a sense of peace with Gus' death. If not, then that is okay as well. We all grieve differently. I do not believe it is being selfish to grieve for as long as you need to.

I do feel though that it is also important to try to restart your life. It will never be the same now Gus is no longer with you, but you can continue to love his memory and learn to live in a different way.

Thinking of you from Mrs. Dools, Lauren

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Doolhof — Thu, 21 May 2015 11:24:17 GMT

Dear Neil,

I have just read your post to Mz. I am so very sorry to read of the pain, heartache, immense grief and suffering you are feeling.

I wish I had the words to share with you to take away the anguish you are going through.

Some days I totally understand the feeling of wanting to yell and scream at people and even bang their heads against a wall and ask them what don't they get about the suffering I am still feeling.

You have lost your brother, your mate and maybe your best friend. Some people don't seem to get the loneliness and the ache you can have inside when people you so dearly loved, or had hoped to love in my case are no longer with you.

There is no forgetting the ones we loved, there is no simple way to make the memories cause less pain, but we do need to try to keep living, no matter how much we wish we could go back and change what has happened.

Dear Neil, my thoughts are with you.

Love and cyber hugs from Mrs. Dools

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Mz13114 — Sun, 24 May 2015 04:42:09 GMT

Hi Neil1,

I'm gobsmacked at the pain and loss I hear and then get so much honesty. I have taken on your words.......onward we trudge, and they help me to even just get vertical in the mornings. You and your brother sound like you had such an awesome love for each other. I hope my daughter can know she can survive, in a different way, with knowing how much was shared with her brother.

It's helpful to me to know that someone understands how different life is now. I'm so sad that you have lost your best mate and I so get how it is so tempting to rage at people.......... I find it hard to express things but I am so thankful that you took the time to speak to me. This has helped me enormously.

Mz13114.

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Mz13114 — Mon, 25 May 2015 14:38:37 GMT

Thanks for your lovely and eloquent sharing, Mrs Dools. I had been denying that I needed to reach out for so long and just didn't want to accept that my life is all about loss now. It has dawned on me that the longer we are here, the more .loss and grief we will have. All part of life.

I really like what you said about learning to live in a new way with the memory of Gus and his love in my heart. Geez I used to think that was such a cheesy way to describe my feelings, until I lost my son so suddenly. I have called for more help for me, at last. Thanks to this place. I found it so hard to open up to people and I was either scared to, or too proud or some stupid thing.

I found it hard early on to hear about strategies for finding happiness, etc. Not ready to accept I'll find the elusive happy life. Gus's death has pulled the rug out from under me. All my values and beliefs are totally different. I still believe in living with good actions etc but the bad stuff will happen if it does and it's not God's will, or my punishment or stupidity. It's just life and we have to get on with it and be the best we can be.

I have posted so much tonight and am so grateful to be able to talk about Gus without being told to shut up, or be shut down. I know it's just different ways of grief and I can understand a bit more even if I disagree with some well meaning cliche.

I light a candle too and was wandering, if it's not too intrusive, did you name your babies? I bet you are so great with young bubs and children. That is what I am noticing with me. I love children and babies and feel very lucky to be able to be in their company from time to time.

Things change and I am slowly learning to wear the mask and not lose it in public. I told a woman to stop yelling at her kids when I ventured to a shopping centre a while ago. It was so hard to not tell her that they are only with us for a short time. Of course she thought I was insane as did I.

Thank you for your care and I hope you are well.

Cheers. Mz13114

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Neil_1 — Tue, 26 May 2015 00:53:55 GMT

Hi there Mz13114

I’ve gotta ask – being a not so naturally nosey person, but some things just are out there begging me to ask – and so I ask: the numbers that appear after Mz, are they short for the Lifeline number? Cause it’s 13 11 14, so your numbers are just missing one number 1.

I’m so pleased that my responses to you have helped – as you can see, I do appear here quite a bit and it’s in the sole hope that I can help others who are doing it tough. And it means SO MUCH when I get response back like yours to say it’s helped enormously. Thank you. But at the same time, that IS awesome that you are trudging slowly and getting to be upright of a morning – or vertical at least.

And you know, you can have so much counselling and sit with your psych and go over things and situations, and yes, that can be all helpful and the like; but what can help even more than that is to hear of, or know about, others who are in similar situations and even though it’s damned horrible, tragic and all the rest of it, just to know that someone else is experiencing something similar, is in a bizarre way, kind of comforting.

Yes, life is different now and will never be the same, but we know this and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change what’s happened. And that’s where the evil clutches of depression and ptsd reach in with their tentacles and grab hold of you (me/us). I believe if we had the chemicals in our mind/brain that can produce the necessary levels of stability in ourselves, we’d be able to push on – yes, be sad, but not constantly and not constantly affected to the level that we are.

One thing I was going to mention in my last post (hey, they play that on Anzac Day) was/is the thing with technology. It advances on and on and my bro will never ever experience any of it – he won’t experience so much; we won’t be spending any more time together and creating brilliant memories of times gone past. I just have to hold on to the old memories that I still have. Whoops, sorry for that slight transgression. But as Shrek said, “Better out than in, I always say”.

Kind regards

Neil

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Mz13114 — Tue, 26 May 2015 02:08:07 GMT

Hi Neil. I just did a reply here then some error come up. I think it sent though. If not, I'll write again. Cheers. Mz13114

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Doolhof — Tue, 26 May 2015 21:08:22 GMT

Hi Mz13114,

It is so encouraging to read that you are feeling more positive and capable of being able to share your story about Gus and how life is for you now that he has gone.

In answer to your question, yes I do have names for my babies. I had two early pregnancy losses with my first husband and then three with my current husband. My first husband used to use me as a punching bag while sleeping with other women so I soon left him. He really changed after we were married and basically told me I was now his slave!

With my last three babies, two managed to make it to 21 weeks gestation, so in that case you need to hold a funeral for them. I was able to see and hold Dylon and Ruth for just 24 hours before they were taken away from the hospital. Our last baby I named Jamee as we never knew if she was a girl or a boy. The first two I have called Ryan and Jessica.

My husband never wanted to see our babies, he doesn't like to talk about them or remember them in any way, so I try to respect that and don't mention them in front of him. He wasn't able to attend Ruth's funeral, as it hurt him too much.

I have a couple of girlfriends who have lost babies and have no children, we support and care for each other.

Grief is a very personal thing. I have been told many times I should be over my grief by now as by children never really existed in the first place. I realise people don't mean to be so cruel, they just don't think before they say things.

I find it hard when friends my age have grand children. I love hearing their stories, but it still makes my heart ache for something I will never have. I am sure you can relate to this after the death of Gus. Life changes, but it keeps on going.

Wishing you strength and peace.

From Mrs. Dools, Lauren

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Mz13114 — Wed, 27 May 2015 00:06:01 GMT

Hi Neil1,

I lost my post to you yesterday. That is really interesting about the lifeline number. The numbers after my name is the date Gus died. 13th Jan, 2014. His partner worked for lifeline at the time and he used to always say to her, before her shift, " save those lives Baby!". I'll always remember the number to Lifeline now.

I get what you mean about your Bro, what is his name? and how he's missing this whole technology age. I am that way about new movies I see and wish Gus could see them with me. We loved similar stuff and it will always be different now.

I'm in class at the moment so I better pay attention. Thanks for being here and I hope you are having an OK day. The sun is shining in Heidy Heights.

Cheers.

Mz.

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Neil_1 — Wed, 27 May 2015 23:22:49 GMT

Hi Mz13114

Wow, that is interesting, damn near even amazing; the Lifeline phone number, the date that Gus died and that his partner also worked for Lifeline. What a great comment he’d make also “Save those lives Baby!”, which is one of the things that she would have definitely have had to do from time to time. I bow to those people who are able to do those kinds of jobs – just amazing, wonderful people.

Yes, movies, songs, but also me and my bro were so much into sport and all things sport – so all kinds of footy, cricket was a huge one for both of us; growing up, we were both fast bowlers and we’d open bowl for our club side – I mean that was so many years ago, and unfortunately my memory of specifics about those times are a little faded, but still … you know what I mean.

In all the times I’ve been on here, I’ve mentioned his name once, and it hurt me that I did this. I cannot tell you why, but it really did, and so I can’t or don’t feel like I can give his name out – whether that’s strange or not, I don’t know, but I feel better for not. Yes, weird, but hey, that’s just me. But talk about him, I could talk about him for weeks.

Mz, yes it can be frustrating at times when you type up a really good post only for something on the network to happen and you lose all your awesome words that you had linked together. For me, I generally type up my response elsewhere and then copy and paste it in – that way if something untoward happens, I’ve still got the original.

Dear Lauren: with your latest post, my heart really goes out to you also – with what you’ve wrote, what you’ve experienced and the whole bit – even to the part where the people tell you it’s possibly time to move on and that the grief for your babies should be in the past – it’s just unfortunate that there’s so many different kinds of people out there.

They’ve either never dealt with such a tragedy or that they are some of the people who possess a valve or a switch in their body that they can turn on after such horrible events and ARE able to put things like this behind them, because there are a large number of people out there who can do this. It’s neither good nor bad, but in a way, it’s perhaps good – cause that way they don’t have to live and deal with what we live and deal with.

Hmmm, that could make for a good topic perhaps – thanx for that.

Neil

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Mz13114 — Thu, 28 May 2015 08:18:18 GMT

Hi Neil1,

I am sorry if I caused extra pain for you. I am grateful for your honesty and I have to be mindful about talking of my son and the people in his life without naming them. I am in a tough situation at school at the moment and being able to share on this forum has helped me behave and realise how important it is to be aware of how many people get on with life with so much strength.

I heard that the forums are being taken off. Is that correct? I need to check the website. It's exam time this week and I am questioning myself, again, as to why I am doing this. My son was a beaut motocross racer and I have a hard time even hearing a dirt bike these days. I know things change and I can challenge myself to be a part of the good things in life.

Cheers.

Mz.

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Cymru — Thu, 28 May 2015 13:49:48 GMT

My own son Nick died tragically early in January 2015. He was 22 years of age. Nick was part of the usual less than perfect family. As a child Nick was diagnosed as having ADHD and later this was clarified as Asperger's syndrome. This meant that Nick’s experience of the world was more confusing than for most of us, as the analytical stream of his brain and the emotional stream were less interconnected. He was to experienced learning difficulties, his parents’ divorce, his mother Rosemary dying much too soon, having to take what work might be offered and various tribulations of life. As an adolescent Nick mastered catching after back flipping at trapeze, having no fear of heights. He had abundant patience; which he drew on when working as a Personal Care Attendant. Nick often cycled to work, even in the midst of winter. He cooked meals for his brothers and father; vindaloo was a favourite. One summer he accompanied me as we volunteered for Great Victorian Bike Ride, living in a tented carnival that travelled around country Victoria. I rarely saw him as he worked and partied with the many other young volunteers. Nick enjoyed drawing, as did had his grandfather and great-grandfather who shared a family curse of depression; Japanese amine was his preferred style. Nick could be maddening to live with; he might tidy up but not completely, staying up late and express decided opinions. He often preferred activities that were familiar, with people he knew; especially his brothers and cousins. Then again, he joined a drawing group at Melbourne’s Butterfly burlesque club. Only a few months ago, Nick sought medical advice on his own initiative about the increased anxiety he was experiencing. He took the prescription medication he was prescribed. He accepted a referral to clinical psychologist and did not miss any appointments. Nick had also enrolled in a TAFE course in bakery. He had not been shy about early hours, hard work. I cannot know what was in Nick’s mind on the evening he died and why he so hastened into this Good night. His family has earnestly reflected on how we might have better supported Nick. There was a train driver who was also involved in this incident, and who would have been greatly traumatised.

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Neil_1 — Fri, 29 May 2015 02:37:40 GMT

TO: Mz13114;

No need to apologise whatsoever … you didn’t cause me any extra pain at all. That’s all fine – no worries at all.

TO: Cymru;

Thank you so much for posting your experiences and thoughts about Nick – a 22yo who really seemed to have put a lot into his time, with so much variety as well.

This is a great place I believe for anyone who would like to, to tell and share moments of their loved ones.

Kind regards

Neil

Grief - son gone at 22yrs

Doolhof — Fri, 29 May 2015 08:36:51 GMT

Hi Neil,

Thanks for your comments regarding how other people react and speak about the existence and loss of our babies.

Sometimes it would be so much easier if I could just forget them all together and be done with it. At least the remembering is not so painful anymore.

Last year our children would have been 16, 18 and 21. I found that realisation to be difficult. I don't know if reaching those ages is so important these days or not.

I have been so very blessed though regarding children, as I have had so many other people's children in my life and I am so thankful for that.

A few of the old dears I care for now tell me stories of their Grand children and Great grand children and I have met some of them, so that is lovely too.

Thanks for your kind words and understand Neil.

From Lauren