topic Lost my father in Grief and loss

Lost my father

calico22 — Fri, 07 Nov 2014 10:57:11 GMT

Today I lost my dad. He was diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks ago and he died today. We were able to look after him at home for the last week. I'm extremely close to my father. I became sick in my early 20's and my parents looked after me. I left home for a while but then my mum and dad had health issues so I moved back in with them for the last few years.

I'm feeling a complete overwhelming panic. I don't know how I'm going to continue without him. He was the strong one in the family. I still suffer with my health and my mum is quite weak. How do I stop the panic? The thought that I don't know how we are going to cope without him. I feel so numb. I still can't believe he has gone. I feel like I'm pretending he is just away or in hospital. How do I keep the panic at bay? How do I do this? How do I keep going with just my mum and me. I'm so grateful I still have her but they were extemely close. Married 59 years. What if I lose her then I'm completely alone. I don't do alone well. And I don't have anyone that I can get to move in. I'm terrified of being alone and now with dad gone I feel it's just a matter of time. My health really hampers being able to do things and get out of the house.

What do I do how do I get past this huge thing that has happened. He hasn't even been gone for a day yet and I'm already a wreck.

Lost my father

AGrace — Fri, 07 Nov 2014 18:54:59 GMT

Hi Calico,

Firstly I wanted to say I'm terribly sorry for your loss, it sounds like you and your dad had a very close relationship, and I have no doubt he will continue to watch over you to keep you safe.

Secondly, welcome to the forums and thank you for being brave enough to share you experience with us. The loss of a loved one is such a tragic experience to go through and I hope here you will find the support you need to continue to move forward.

I also wanted to mention that this is still very new to you, so it's completely understandable that you would feel panicked and a little all over the place. Grieving will take time, a lot longer than a day, so please allow yourself to move through this grief process at your own pace. There is no race to the finish line and it's really important that you grieve properly. When I say properly, there is no one way that is right or wrong. There are certainly stages that you will go through but they don't follow a linear pattern, you will find that you will move back and forth between the stages as time continues on. It might be worth looking up the 7 stages of grief online to give yourself an idea of some of the feelings that might show up along this journey.

When someone passes it is natural to have a lot of what if questions. There are no set answers to your questions so I will not try to reply to them. Only to say that you, like all others before you, are strong enough to get through this. The human spirit is such a strong and remarkable thing, you will be surprised by what you and your mum can endure.

As I have said, give yourself some time right now, try not to think too far into the future - the future will always be there, these moments that you have right now to begin healing are what's most important at the minute.

Do you have any extended family or friends that you can surround yourself with right now? If so then you might like to be around them even if just for a sense of normalcy. If not continue posting here, you will be surprised in the support that you will receive, and often it can be helpful to chat with others who have also been through loss and grief.

Please take care x

AGrace

Lost my father

Jacko777 — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 10:46:51 GMT

Hi Calico22,

So sorry to hear of your loss, I hope you have the space to grieve.

I know how you feel right now and it will take some time to feel better. I echo the lovely words of AGrace.

Your Father will always be in your heart Calico, you will always be able to ask him questions and you know what he will say. He will always be a part of you, you are not alone.

I send you love.

Lost my father

calico22 — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 11:30:48 GMT

Thank you so much for your replies I really appreciate it. I do have family older brothers and their wives but there is a big age gap and they don't live close to us and have their own lives. Our friends via our religion have been awesome I do have a lot more support than I know a lot of people have. We have had lots of meals brought to us by our friends so we don't have to think of cooking etc. I guess my worry is when everyone goes home and we have to try to live without dad.

I am coping slightly better today and will definitely take your advice and do one day at a time and look up that info you mentioned as well. I think the panic will be something that will happen off and on all the time. I'm trying really hard not to worry about the future that is my big downfall as I suffer with really severe anxiety and a big trigger for me is anxiety about the future. I try so hard to control it but it's a constant battle. I think once we are on our own I will definitely be visitng this forum more because it's going to be hard.

Lost my father

Jacko777 — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 11:53:08 GMT

I am glad you have support.

Later on we can talk about meditation. I think this could help you a lot with your anxiety about the future. Meditation helps us to train the brain to focus, if you can keep your mind focused in each present moment you will create your future instead of worry about it.

Lost my father

geoff — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 13:32:07 GMT

dear Calico, I read your post yesterday and so much wanted to reply to you, but something happened to my pc and when it became functioning again I couldn't find your post.

I would like to offer you my most sincere condolences for the loss of your dad, and who was married for such an extraordinary time.

Losing someone so close and who you respected and loved so much, will never be easy to handle, it never has been, and never will be in the future, and only time will lessen the loss, but your memories of all the good times can never be taken away from you.

At the moment you can share the good times, the funny experiences and the not so good with your mum, because at the moment you both need each other, as her health isn't the best plus you have your own health issues, so can we continue this post as it's got a journey as I'm sure there are lots for you to tlk about.

Take care. Geoff.

Lost my father

calico22 — Sat, 15 Nov 2014 11:50:57 GMT

We had my dad's memorial service today. Over 250 people attended and it was perfect. So happy with how it went. However I am now starting to panic a bit. My brother and his wife will be leaving us on Monday. Obviously they have to get on with their lives and we have to as well but to be completely honest I'm terrified of it just being my mum and I. She is really struggling and I honestly don't think that the loss of dad has really hit us yet. We have our weeping moments but we just feel like dad is in hospital or away we don't feel like we have lost him.
I'm scared what will happen when reality hits. Today was about dad and his life and we had so much support and love shown to us and to my dad. But now it's just mum and I and some how I have to get past this fear of something happening to mum and being alone with it. I know it's stupid to think this way and I'm trying to stop the fear but I feel at the moment I'm fighting a losing battle. How do I help my mum when the grief really hits her? Do I just let her deal with it how she needs to and just be there for comfort and support?

Thank you for your comments everyone I do apprecaite having somewhere I can come to talk it out.

Lost my father

geoff — Sat, 15 Nov 2014 13:48:03 GMT

dear Calico, the number of the people attending this service must have been so reassuring, but it might have been too much for your mum and yourself to take in all the compliments but I'm sure it was lovely.

I can see the question you have asked and I'm sure that it includes for yourself, because there will be a time when it's just you, but at the moment you are there to love and support your mum, because there will be times when she remembers the joys and the sadder experiences in their long marriage, so be a part of this.

People grieve in their own way, some they will share and some they will keep locked up to themselves but you won't be able to push someone who is grieving, they need time, sometimes they may fall into depression while other times they level out.

I hope that her recovery as well as yours is one that enjoys all the happy times in their life and I'm sure there were many.

I also hope that you can stay on the site and let us know how you and your mum are going. Geoff.

Lost my father

calico22 — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 07:42:51 GMT

It's been 2 weeks now since we lost dad and it's so hard. Last night my mum had the worst anxiety/panic attack she has ever had. It started about 11pm and she finally felt better around 1.30am. I'm so stressed myself now that I don't know how to keep going. I'm also exhausted. I would just love to sleep and sleep and wake up feeling better. I know that won't be happening but I just would love some relief from the feelings of panic or anxiety. I'm also really emotional. I'm crying at the drop of a hat which is usually what my mum is like however she can't cry. She gets emotional but can't cry. That is worrying her but I said to her that everyone is different it doesn't mean she didn't love dad it just means she isn't ready to cry yet if she ever does.

She phoned the counseller today that we were offered through palliative care and she has recommended mum goes to see her doctor for a complete checkup and to make sure her medications are still working properly and not making her feel worse. I think she needs someone to talk to and also someone to teach her what to do when she feels these

anxiety attacks coming on. Last night I was so exhausted and nothing I tried to do to help her was working. It was so bad that at one point she wanted me to take her to hospital. But I said to her she got through it. It didn't kill her so if it happens again she will get through it.

I still feel that dad is just away somewhere. I can't believe that I won't see him again. It's so hard to be happy or enjoy anything at the moment. We are on our own now. The last 5 weeks have been so crazy full of stress, emotion etc. Then we have the service and everyone goes and leaves us on our own and that has made it harder I think. I know they would have had to leave at some stage but even a couple of days might have helped.

I don't know I just feel so weird at the moment. I feel like

I' m right on the edge

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Lost my father

Jacko777 — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:09:44 GMT

Hi Calico22,

I agree, it would be good if you can get your mum to the Doc so she can find some appropriate preventatives for anxiety attacks.

I know how you feel about your Dad, it does feel weird, I felt the same when my father passed away. It is tragic and it doesn't seem fair. However I can tell you that over time these strong emotions reduce, and we can practice loving our lost ones rather than missing them and grieving over the loss. Think of your Dad with love. I found that my grief took it's own course, i let it come out when it had to, I guess everyone responds/reacts differently.

I know it is 'hard to be happy or enjoy anything at the moment.' Just try and do something nice, take mum somewhere new each day, cafe, park or such, take some time out to focus on something relaxing. It has been a tough time, take it easy on yourself.

Love to you all.

Lost my father

calico22 — Sat, 22 Nov 2014 21:24:17 GMT

Thank you for your reply Jacko. I'm trying to do things. I reopened my online business so that it will keep me more occupied. Mum and I are so exhausted that we don't feel like going anywhere. I know that isn't good but it's just so tiring.

I've got a new issue that is happening that I would love some opinons on please. After mum had that severe panic attack the other night she asked me if I would sleep in her bed with her she was struggling so much. I didn't mind doing that and it really helped her. The next night 15 mintues after going to bed she knocked on my door and asked if I could sleep there again as her nerves were getting really bad. She has told me it really helps her knowing she isn't alone. I don't mind doing it because I know she is so anxious and panciky and just having company is getting her through the bad times. My question though is will doing this for her help or hinder her recovery? Should I be making her go to bed alone and to cope with the panic and anxiety that is associated with it?? My dad actually died in their bed. I asked mum if she would like me to get her a new bed because of this but my dad restored the bed it's an old wrought iron bed and he loved it so mum doesn't want to get rid of it. I said what if we moved her into another bedroom but she doesn't want to do that either. So am I doing the right thing just sleeping in the bed while she needs me and maybe once the shock eases she will be okay to sleep alone?

Thank you!

Lost my father

Neil_1 — Sat, 22 Nov 2014 22:36:33 GMT

Hi Calico

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad. It's heart-breaking and it seems to destroy so many portions of your own soul. This is a saying that I picked up out of a movie - but I do use it (to myself) - that when he died, part of me died too.

I lost my Dad in 2007. So it was just Mum after 52 years of marriage - and was then home alone, after I had to go back where I was living with my own family. So it's very reassuring to hear that you are there for your Mum.

I can now unfortunately relate to your emotional state; you lost your Dad just over two weeks ago. My Mum passed away 5 weeks ago. And yep, we know it's tough. It's bloody hard.

But what you are doing at the moment is all fine. Being there for your Mum and helping out - and to be trying to do little things, just to help along the way.

I know exactly what you said when you mentioned that after the funeral, it was just all of a sudden, just the two of you again. I've written about this before, where it must be like a common belief that people, friends, relatives, acquaintances will be there from the time of death through to the funeral. And then they all depart and go back to their lives and the close family members are then left to deal with it all on their own. I'm not against this, nor am I for it - it's just a common theme that I've seen, unfortunately, too often.

Just in regard to the change of sleeping arrangements, I think it's wonderful that your Mum is asking for you to be close. Unfortunately I can't advise one way or the other about whether this is a good thing, re: your Mum's ability to move on; but perhaps what might be something to talk about is say, for a little while, you can do this. Then you could possibly move a mattress into the room, so that you're still there, but not in the actual bed - kind of a weaning process?

I also lost my brother in 1991. I only mention that here because since the time of my brother's death; Mum would also say "good night" EVERY night to my brother at her bed time; and then from 2007, she then said "good night" to both my bro and my Dad.

Please keep posting here - it's good to chat and it's also good to just unload.

Kind regards

Neil

Lost my father

Jacko777 — Sun, 23 Nov 2014 03:23:02 GMT

Hi Calico22,

If you are getting enough sleep I wouldn't worry about making your mum go to her own bed yet. Let it take it's course but let her know if you are not getting enough sleep. Keep the lines of communication open as you are, you are doing great mate. You could ask her each day if there is anything she needs to talk about. Perhaps it will also be discussed if your mum gets to a Doc, surely they would ask about her sleep. You have asked her about the bed and the room, you have done well. If the bed is the problem perhaps they is a way of keeping the restored bed in another room or pull it down and keep the bead head somewhere.

I am glad you have reopened your business. It might be a good time to analyse the other aspects of your life, put it down on paper, check out all the eggs in your basket to ensure you have plans to achieve your goals.

It is still such early days mate, I am so glad you can be there for your mum. Don't be afraid to reach out for support from your family and friends.

Love to you both.

Lost my father

calico22 — Wed, 26 Nov 2014 12:23:44 GMT

Thank you both for your replies I really appreciate it so much. I got my mum to the doctor on Monday and they have put her on a medication that will hopefully help with the panic attacks and when I read about it online it sounds perfect for her. It's also good for major traumas etc in life that lead to fear and panic. The only problem is it's not an instant fix it will take a few weeks. I'm taking her back to the doctor tomorrow for her to check if it's going okay and we are also going to look at getting mum in to see someone that she can talk to.

At the moment it is like she is on automatic pilot. She walks around like she is in shock and is having problems functioning. I know this is all part of it because it is very early days I'm just glad we are trying to get her help. She is really struggling to eat as well and she was tiny before but now she is like a stick. She is eating a bit but not really enough so I have her on sustagen as well.

The problem is I think the shock is starting to wear off for me now and I'm extremely emotional. I need to talk about dad even though it upsets me but mum can't cope talking about him. I've been treated before for severe anxiety and depression and I have coped amazingly well with what has been happening. I have been really practicing the breathing techniques and changing my thought processes. I have worked long and hard at doing all this for a few years now and was going really well. Obviously you have your moments where you feel it slipping but I have been able to get back on track. At the moment though come nighttime the panic is starting to set in and the fear. I'm trying so hard not to worry about the future and go day by day. My anxiety and fear has always been triggered by thoughts of the future and what may happen I've tried really hard to get on top of that fear and look at things from a different perspective but I feel all of that is starting to disappear. My stomach is churning, I feel really ill and I'm terrified of a future without my dad and how I'm going to cope with it. I had convinced myself that I still had him for many years yet and that had helped me to alliviate the fear a lot however that hasn't happened and I'm slipping back into the negative thinking. I'm trying so hard to stop it but it's becoming overwhelming.

I don't want to worry mum so she doesn't know she thinks I'm coping amazingly well. I feel I'm going back to where I was a few years ago and I can't seem to stop it.

Lost my father

Jacko777 — Thu, 27 Nov 2014 09:48:16 GMT

Hi Calico22

I am glad you have posted, it is important that you can talk about this. Personally I think it is time that you call on your brothers and your good friends to lend you an ear and give you some support. You and your mum deserve some help, maybe one of your brothers could stay for a few days? They can take some leave or such...this is important, I realise they have their own lives, but you are both a part of that. I think you should talk to one of your friends every night.

I am glad to hear that your mum has something to help with her anxiety, how did you go with the Doc visit today? Have you thought about seeing a therapist yourself? It could help you a lot right now, to get things straight in your head. You say you have worked long and hard and things were going well. Multiply by 10! Whatever you were doing, do more, ramp it up.

I'm not sure if you should be covering up your feelings in front of your mum, it IS very noble and loving of you however you do need to grieve yourself.

The perspective you have gained in the past will not disappear, it is just clouded right now by grief and shock. Keep telling yourself that you are not slipping back, in time these feelings will reduce.

Much love to you, hang in there mate. And talk to us about your Dad as much as you want, we are listening. xx

Lost my father

calico22 — Mon, 15 Dec 2014 06:14:04 GMT

Sorry I haven't replied for a while. Another extended family member died of cancer 2 weeks ago. I managed to go to the funeral but it was hard being so close to my dad's. But I did it for the family.

Mum has improved with the panic attacks with the new meds the doctor put her on and she has also been to a psychologist. The first visit was just background and due to the holidays she can't go again until middle of Jan.

I think I need to go to something like that too but at the moment mum is more important I can't do both at the moment as I can't leave her alone as she can't cope on her own. My brother is coming once a week and wants to do that for a few months so I am making appointments for myself on that day. However that is the only day the psychologist is available in our area so I can't do it while mum is.

Today I'm feeling really stressed I think with the siege in Sydney it is making me more stressed as everywhere you look it is being talked about and on every channel. It's all too much.

The last couple of days I feel that the loss of dad is sinking in more and the numbness is starting to go which I don't really want because it's causing my nerves to get worse. I'm realising this is real and he has really gone. I'm trying to keep it together but I'm realising that now I'm the one in charge really because mum is really struggling and I don't like being the one that has to do everything without any support. I'm trying to not worry about it. Trying really hard to do it hour by hour and when the negative thoughts come to replace them with positive but I guess this is such a huge thing it's hard to find any positives at the moment.

I know we will be okay and I do have my brother who will be here asap if I need him so that should make me feel better which is does but some days it's not easy. Well actually every day isn't easy. To top it off dad's dog has to go in for his teeth to be done but due to his age it is more dangerous but it has to be done. So I'm scared something will happen and he won't make it through. I would hate anything to happen to him at the moment as he is helping us daily with his little personality and his company.
Anyway thought I would check in and let you know we are still going but missing dad more and more everyday as it sinks in that he really isn't here anymore. He was a wonderful although stubborn person 😉 I'm hoping mum will be able to talk about him soon.

Thanks again for being here xxx

Lost my father

Neil_1 — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 01:27:49 GMT

Hi Calico

I’m so sorry to hear of another loss that you’ve recently had to deal with. Well done on going and getting through the funeral – I can only imagine how difficult that must have been for you.

It is pleasing to hear that your Mum is responding well with the meds given to her; but again, the loss of your Dad will be a massive thing still to overcome (for both of you); and this time next week, well, at least Christmas will be over; but around that time will be difficult.

I mentioned in another thread elsewhere that this will be the first time in 30 years that I will not travel back to my birth-place town to spend with my Mum (and brother) for Christmas and afterwards; as my brother and his wife have left today for a holiday, that encompasses Christmas and New Year; they have deserved this holiday very much with all that’s gone on this year. But yeah, to not travel back will be a massive thing for me. Just another thing to get through.

Calico, have we discussed whether you are on any meds to assist yourself at this time?? It’s great to hear you’re seeking out your own appointments, but as you’ve described, it is a difficult situation, as you need to be there for your Mum also. But having said that, you still need to vigilant in looking after yourself; because if you crash down to the low depths, you’re not going to be in any shape to look after your Mum. So this is very important that you do all you can to take very good care of yourself as well.

A little exercise I was given to do with regard to my Dad passing – was to list down (I was given 10 things, but I’ll make it more than 10 for you) more than 10 things that were so wonderful about your Dad. Just something to conjure up lovely images of him – as a reminder of the wonderful person, father, Dad he was. It’s just something to make you think of the good times and the wonderful aspects of him – kind of a loving tribute. No-one needs to see it – but just put it somewhere safe when it’s done. Just a thought.

Kind regards

Neil