topic Re: Grief. 10 years later. in Grief and loss

Grief. 10 years later.

Broken79 — Wed, 17 Dec 2025 10:33:54 GMT

Hey.

I'm back again.

I don't really know where to begin. All I know is I want it to end.

The lonliness and feelings of being lost in a foreign place without him are very overwhelming.

Its 10 years next August.

10 years without my sweetheart is crazy.

20 years we spent together. 6 kiddos and a reality I will never be able to exist in ever again.

What a ride it was! I took it for granted. Now. It's gone.

I tried other relationships.

Got "swept of my feet" literally 5 months after he passed.

The guilt and shame and absolute disgust in myself for that decision haunts me every single day.

The guy ended up thinking he could access my then 14 yro daughter, whom I'm proud to say, spoke up right away. I kicked (i wished literally) him to the curb and supported my sweet girl throughout the court proceedings.

Can understand why people stopped wanting to be my friend after that though.

So, super isolated, with only my children ( who's love is unconditional) . But had to leave town. New community, new beginnings right?

Nope.

The pain. It follows me, the self doubt, the self loathing, the ugliness of it all tags along with me every single step and day I exist. ... and....

You know what.....

I kinda think I deserve it tbh.

So I've become numb, things that excited me no longer make me smile.

I have to act to convince myself that I should be happy.

I mean, I'm great at being a social worker, I can slap my hat on for the day, and flick it off when I'm home.

Its not fair on the girls, now 16, 18 and 25. But I respond on cue, smile when everyone's laughing and just be there, in the moment, even though I'm miles away.

I'm morbidly obese at 122kilos and have become interestingly masculinly ( if that's a word) unattractive.

I now am just waiting to expire.

46 next week.

And I'm so so sad.

I'm sorry for the lengthy post.

I get it if none has even made it down this far.

But, I need to off load it somewhere.

Any words would be greatly appreciated. I dont know ..

🐌

Re: Grief. 10 years later.

Croix — Thu, 18 Dec 2025 12:30:59 GMT

Dear Broken79~

Welcome back to the Forum - a good place to come. As you have found out change of location does not fix it all as you carry so much self-blame within you

When my wife died after many years together I had grief, loss, anger and all the emotions you would imagine - the same as you.

Not only had half of me just disappeared but I had to learn all the things I had relied upon her for. Discussions over decisions, impressions of people and so much more.

My life with her had been so good I wanted it to repeat and was luckier than you. By chance I found somebody, or they found me, and again I have that happy life -It has gone on for many years now and we are still in love.

It happened quickly and we were married within a year, getting to know each other. Sadly the man you went with gave all the signs you wanted -even though later you found it was all a pretense.

There is no blame in wanting another sweetheart to share life within 5 months - it is not that short a time, if anything it is a compliment to what you had before and are anxious to return to.

So you had a horrible lesson, there are selfish and unscrupulous people in the world and they do make a practice of preying on the vulnerable.

It is only luck we have not swapped places. I happened to find someone good.

You acted with dispatch when you found out what he was doing - nobody could do more.

Now you are acting the same as many honest good hearted and loving people - you blame yourself -even to the extent of trying ot alter your appearance to drive off men. Of course looking from the outside I'd sat you did well all hte way though

Nobody should live with these destructive feelings for this long, please seek assistance, both with the grief and loss, and with the guilt. Can I suggest you see your GP and ask about a psychologist or councilor? I have had other losses and could not climb out by myself - it took help.

I was warmed to read "my children ( who's love is unconditional) ". That is a treasure not all have.

I hope you would like to come back and talk some more

Croix

Re: Grief. 10 years later.

therising — Thu, 18 Dec 2025 17:52:35 GMT

Hi Broken79

First, I sincerely wish to give to you my most heartfelt apology for not replying to your post to me on your other thread. I either overlooked it or it's the glitchy thing going on with the forums, where all reply posts aren't getting through. Either way, my deepest apology. ❤️

I truly wish I was there with you, sitting beside you, encouraging you to do whatever you needed to do to help you through one of the most challenging and emotionally brutal times in your life. Whether it involved venting tears or words, I'd encourage it. Whether it involved making greater sense of everything, I'd encourage it. Whether it involved sitting for hours or days together, trying to figure out the best guides for you at this time, I'd be there for as long as it would take. The thought of a person managing all that on their own feels so heartbreaking. I believe one of the hardest things to manage would have to be the words 'I just don't know how to live anymore, under the circumstances'. Be kind to yourself, as no one's shown you how to do what you've never done before.

At both the worst and the most joyous times in life, we partner with people. Whether it's our spouse, our child, our parent, our friend or someone else, we share an experience with them. Whether we're relieving each other's sense of stress, sadness, anger, guilt or some other challenging emotion or we're experiencing certain highs together, we're not meant to be doing a lot of that stuff alone all the time. For you to have found someone to partner you through one of the toughest times in your life doesn't point to your faults, it points to your needs. The fact that they abused the privilege of being in your life and your family's life points to their faults. How you partnered your daughter through everything speaks volumes as to who you truly are. The nature of the work you do also speaks volumes. While we can be a saviour for someone else, a visionary and guide or leader for someone else, a support for someone else and so much more for someone else at the most challenging times in their life (like you've been for your daughter and those you serve in your job), I believe one of the hardest things to do is be our own saviour, our own seer and guide or leader, our own support and much more.

As an ex emotional drinker (earlier in my life), I'm now definitely an emotional eater and it shows. That's a whole topic on it's own, emotional eating. Whether it's eating to fill an emotional void, eating to feel some joy, eating to avoid facing the challenges that just feel too hard to face and/or eating to fuel a body that's screaming for energy while it experiences next to no physical energy, the reasons can be many yet are well worth working out. This is something I need to start constructively doing myself for many reasons.

It was many years ago that I gave a kind of identity to long term depression, while I faced it. I came to imagine it as this thing that resembles a nasty little creature hanging on around my neck, whispering horrible things into my ear. I imagined it also holding a long dark cloak around my neck with all these labels pinned to it ('hopeless', 'pathetic', 'loser', 'someone who will never change' and the list goes on). Over time the whispers add up. Over time, the cloak gains weight with all the labels weighing a person down. I came to realise that if there is one thing this nasty little creature thrives on it is getting us alone. Only when we're alone can it do its worst. We should never be left to face depression alone. How to be free of the whispers and how to be free of the cloak becomes a shared mission. ❤️

Re: Grief. 10 years later.

Broken79 — Sat, 17 Jan 2026 14:26:53 GMT

This.

"if anything it is a compliment to what you had before and are anxious to return to."

Woah.

I had to catch my breath.

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging post.

I've been pushing any type of romantic potential away for so long. Being with someone would feel...I dunno....false, fake...I'd be hyper vigilante....waiting for the wrong thing to occur.

I agree, I do need to start up counselling again. Its me who needs to fall in love....with me. Firstly.

I just miss him. I miss us.

Thankyou once again.

Re: Grief. 10 years later.

Broken79 — Sat, 17 Jan 2026 14:44:31 GMT

I cannot tell you enough, how much your post means to me.

It's 1.30am and I am allowing myself a treat of a sleep in tomorrow morning ( sunday)

I am up late, alone with the cats...overthubking once again.

Debunking the same ol same ol guilt, disgust and shame I feel with myself, using yours and the previous contributiors hindsight has eased that...alot.

I like how you named your emotions and described them, I use a similar tool of late...I invite them to my little antique mahogany table, have them introduce themselves, describe why they deserve to sit with me at the table, honour why they wanted to be there, thank them for showing up and kindly ask them to leave.

It's tricky, and maybe not entirely the right thing to do...but, it's something right?

My daughter is encouraging me to gym with her, bless her heart.

She remembers a time I spent a year doing kind things for myself( including exercise) and doesn't give up on believing in me.

Once again.

Thankyou. From the bottom of my heart

Re: Grief. 10 years later.

therising — Sat, 24 Jan 2026 18:25:28 GMT

Hi Broken79

Just checking in to see how you're doing and I also wish to thank you so much for offering the image of you sitting with your emotions. With me chatting with and questioning a whole range of emotions at the moment, thanks to your strategy, these emotions are actually now giving me answers. 'Guilt, why do you keep showing up on a regular basis?', 'Deep sadness, why do you keep coming to me at certain times?', 'Anger, what are you trying to achieve, in the way of certain relationships in my life (including the relationship I have with myself)?' and on it goes. I smile when I say that it seems to be the general consensus that all the tough emotions keep returning to me to wake me up. I suppose you could even say they're the 'tough love' emotions, which in a way are saying 'We love you enough to keep returning to you, to wake you up. Without us, you would not feel the desperate need to become more conscious'.

I smile even more when I consider, if my emotions were people, what my emotions would look like. Well, this is interesting as I've never done this until this very moment. Apparently guilt has a masculine appearance and it tends to shake its head and roll it's eyes while saying 'Oh my god, girl. You are so hard to wake up. I've been coming to you for years and still you won't wake up to why I'm here. You take so much responsibility for other people at times. Why the hell do you keep doing that? WAKE UP!!!'. Sadness feels feminine and it comes as a form of consolation. It comes to console me and embrace me while saying 'I know this hurts and I am here for you'. While people speak of 'to wallow in self pity', sadness says 'I got you. Rest your head in the hollow below my shoulder and cry it all out'. Apparently anger has no gender, in my mind. It simply comes as some sassy intolerant emotion, yelling at me 'CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW AND WHY THIS PERSON'S BEHAVIOUR WARRANTS MY APPEARANCE!!!!! You deserve better than this behaviour. WAKE UP!'.

Broken79, you should be my therapist 😁. With you leading me to imagine sitting with emotions, I feel like I've been officially introduced to them for the first time. Thank you so much for handing me one of the keys in life when it comes to unlocking a way forward. I'll add it to my key ring, which holds the keys I've gathered so far.

Re: Grief. 10 years later.

Picture — Sun, 25 Jan 2026 04:12:10 GMT

Hi Broken79 - sorry to hear how you feel and all you have been through. I think it would be useful to see a GP and get a mental health plan (to see a psychologist) and see if there is any medication that could help you with your mood. If you are worried about your weight, the GP may also be able to assist there also.

Feelings of guilt and shame can be addressed with a psychologist. My feeling is that you are a good person who may have made an error of judgement (like we all do) and that you deserve some self-compassion. You can still have a meaningful life.

Thinking of you.