topic Re: I miss you too much in Grief and loss

I miss you too much

Guest_30824505 — Sun, 25 May 2025 03:06:40 GMT

I lost my mother in 2011. It still feels like yesterday.

She was my best friend and I'm still struggling with her not being here.

I want to move forward with my life for my kids, but I can't seem to get there.

I wish I could let her go. Im so scared I'll forget her. I just wish it was all a bad dream.

My partner of 15yrs is not empathetic and so when I'm upset he tells me to just get over it and I'm being pathetic. Honestly, I do feel pathetic and totally alone.

Even after 15yrs I still feel like I'm still a stranger to him.

Please help me to be able to move on by myself because I dont have anyone else

Re: I miss you too much

indigo22 — Sun, 25 May 2025 05:50:41 GMT

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry for your loss, parents are the hardest ones to let go of because we are bonded. I also lost my mother the same year along with my eldest sibling. For some it just takes longer than others to let go.

I would like you to think for a moment about your still feeling like a stranger to your partner after 15 years. Have you considered that you probably are? You were only together for perhaps a year before you lost your mum and you have been grieving ever since. He needs to understand that telling you to get over it and calling you pathetic is not in the least bit helpful and only makes you feel worse. From his perspective he is probably not understanding why you would still be feeling this way, often men don't find the right words but that doesn't excuse being harsh.

So I would like to give you some advice to help you begin to shift this energy. You are not going to forget her because she was not just her physical body, she was and is energy that can be around you at any time. The first thing to understand is that she is still watching over you and the fact that you were best friends would suggest she may be trying to communicate thoughts and feelings to you. Because you are in one of the lowest density vibrations (grief), she is not able get them to you.

In order for her to do that, you need to be in a higher density vibration and love is your ticket to get there. So talk to her as if she is still around, this can be done silently or out loud depending on who is around you at the time. Focus on the love the two of you shared while you talk and be silent to receive a response. The response can come in many different ways depending on your particular strengths. It could be images that pop into your mind, you may hear words in your mind, you may hear a particular song in your mind that came out of nowhere that has particular meaning. You may have a sense of her energy near you, perhaps you will smell the perfume she used to wear, or you may just have a knowing that you can't explain. These are all based on your senses, but she may also leave things for you to find, like a coin which is dated the year of her birth for example, or a feather where you cannot imagine how it got there. You can also ask her to give you a sign, then just wait without expectations as to how and when, just observe until you see something that is clearly from her.

The thing is, you don't have to completely let her go, you just need to let go of her physicality and begin to embrace her energy instead.

I hope this helps and I will be happy to continue the conversation if you wish.

Take good care of yourself and remember that it is okay to laugh, laughter is very healing.

indigo

Re: I miss you too much

Summer Rose — Sun, 25 May 2025 12:05:03 GMT

Hello and welcome to the forum.

I am very sorry for the loss of your mum and for the profound impact her passing has had on your life.

I have lost both of my parents and understand the depth of your loss. Losing a parent is a blow that takes time to recover from and everyone is different. You are certainly not pathetic.
When I suddenly lost my father (some forty years ago) I was a teenager and I chose to hang on to my grief for years because I thought that if I let it go it would mean I didn’t love him. I, too, was afraid that I would forget him.

I made a scrapbook and included stories, photos and souvenirs to ensure I would never forget him or our life. It was like I poured all of my grief into the book and then, when I was ready, I made an effort to limit the time I would spend with “him”.

I gradually let go. I realised that he wouldn’t want me to continue grieving—he would want me to live my best life.

I have never forgotten him and still love him. Same is true for my mum, who I lost just a few years ago.

I’m convinced that both of them are always close to me, I keep photos all over the house and I talk to them when I feel the need.

Please, be kind to yourself.
Kind thoughts to you

Re: I miss you too much

therising — Mon, 26 May 2025 18:19:27 GMT

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life that challenges you so incredibly deeply. I wish there was something I could say that could lead you to feel lighter and offer you more relief than you could imagine. My heart goes out to you so much and I wish I was there sitting beside you, encouraging you to fully express yourself while making greater sense of everything you're feeling.

While I haven't lost my mum, the person who I sense as my best friend, I'm currently imagining how I'm going to live without her (in regard to the ways I have been used to living with her in my life). With her being 86 and being incredibly unwell at the moment, I worry I just won't know how to do it when the time comes. When your best friend is your number one guide, how do you live without your number one guide in life (the person who feels the most for you, the person who offers you visions in life you need when you can't see the way forward for yourself, the person who sheds light for you in what feels like dark times, the person who doesn't just get your nature but encourages you to embrace it and celebrate it)?

While my husband of 22 years is a supportive person to some degree, I don't regard him as a guide in my life. So, I wouldn't go to him for guidance. Perhaps this is something to consider, regarding your partner. If you wouldn't regard him as your 'go to' person for guidance and the support you need, who could you begin to regard as that person or those people? Summer Rose and Indigo? If they feel like positive guides for you, helping shed light on the way forward, return to them for guidance whenever you feel the need. Even if it involves the smallest of details, such as 'What can I focus on (other than my grief) when standing in the shower each morning?' or 'How do I manage quiet times in the day, when there is time to think without distraction?'.

Personally, I can relate to what Indigo's suggesting. To sit in meditation and focus on meeting with your mum in a different way is something I plan on practicing when my mum passes. While not everyone's cup of tea, it works for some. For some, it's where they actually find their way forward, through the guidance that comes to mind through that kind of meditation or meeting. Whether we choose to see it as simply stretching the imagination in ways that serve us or we see it as an exercise in psychic development, it doesn't matter. What matters is finding what serves us. What matters is finding the way forward. Btw, if some form of psychic development has ever tweaked your interest in the past, perhaps considering joining such a group or circle will see you surrounded by other sensitive people who have nothing but compassion, encouragement and support to offer you.

I find insensitive people to not be of much help in life. If anything, they're typically triggering and depressing and they can be rather degrading at times. When around insensitive people, it pays to ask 'Why can't they sense as well as I can?', as opposed to us asking ourself 'What's wrong with me?'. ❤️

Re: I miss you too much

therising — Sat, 31 May 2025 19:36:18 GMT

I return with the wish I could give you the most enormous hug. You were one of the people I thought of, amongst my tears, after my mum (my best friend) passed away yesterday. I thought of you and felt so deeply for you, so so deeply.

While I think of how I'm going to manage to not become depressed in the days and weeks ahead, what comes to mind is something I have found just recently and it begins with 'right view'. Occasionally, something prompts me to return to Buddhist philosophy and teachings. It is the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path that begins with 'right view'. While this path relates to specific things, I think we can relate it to just about anything while practicing it.

Through right view, we will not suffer through the wrong way of seeing things, such as the wrong way of seeing a person's passing
Through right thinking, we will not suffer through wrong thinking or the wrong thoughts
Through right speech (which I believe includes inner dialogue), we will not suffer through the wrong words
Through right action, we will not suffer through inaction when it comes to finding the best way forward
Through right livelihood, living in the best possible ways, we will not suffer through the wrong ways of living
Through right effort, in cultivating what will serve us, we will not suffer through a lack of cultivating what comes to serve us
Through right mindfulness, focusing on the moment, we will not suffer through a lack of focus when it comes the things that can help us move forward in every moment and
Through right concentration, we will not suffer through a lack of what we should be concentrating on

While Buddhism speaks highly about the importance of community, it becomes vital that we seek the people who can lead us to practice the right view, way of thinking, self talk, actions, way of life, mindfulness and the right things to be concentrating on. Without such people, we can suffer terribly and in such lonely ways. And in previously speaking of imagining sitting with a loved one, in our mind, perhaps today we can imagine sitting with and asking our mother 'What is the best way to begin viewing the path ahead?'. ❤️

Re: I miss you too much

indigo22 — Sun, 01 Jun 2025 04:23:45 GMT

I am so sorry for your loss therising,

I hope you are coping ok and perhaps can take on board some of the advice for yourself that I have given for this member. As you well know, I am no stranger to loss and will be here should you feel the need to talk.

Please take good care of yourself while you go through the grieving process.

Thinking of you with care,

indigo 🌹

Re: I miss you too much

therising — Sun, 01 Jun 2025 04:54:19 GMT

Thank you so much, beautiful indigo. You will be one of my guides. ❤️

Re: I miss you too much

Summer Rose — Sun, 01 Jun 2025 09:53:27 GMT

Hello therising

I am very sorry for your loss and I’m sending hugs.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: I miss you too much

therising — Sun, 01 Jun 2025 11:01:59 GMT

Thank you so much to you also, beautiful Summer Rose. I am feeling your hugs. ❤️

Re: I miss you too much

Eagle Ray — Mon, 02 Jun 2025 12:06:32 GMT

Dear Guest and therising,

I just want to send you both the warmest hugs and support you in the loss of your beautiful mothers. Whether it happened some time ago or just recently, it is one of those connections that can continue to impact us powerfully.

I wanted to share that I do sometimes talk with my mum and feel I'm connecting with her since she passed in 2020. If it's possible to feel into their presence, that feeling of them there with you can still be found and be comforting and calming in the midst of grief.

My relationship with my mother was challenging a great deal of the time while she was here, but the relationship has not ended with her passing and as weird as this may sound, it continues to grow and healing takes place.

Guest, there is nothing pathetic at all about still missing your mum and struggling with her not being here. After my mum passed I went to a grief support group and I did find that helpful, connecting with others experiencing loss. And, like you, some of them had their loved one pass some time ago, so it was not just for people with recent bereavement. I just thought I'd mention that in case it gives you an outlet for expressing your feelings in that it sounds like you are not getting that support at home.

The rising, it can be so hugely impacting in the days and weeks following the loss of a parent, like a monumental shift has occurred. I think connecting with anything that can be an anchor for you, like the Buddhist teachings, is a really good idea. Having something to steady you in the midst of grief can be very helpful. You will have the deep wisdom in you that your mum has shared with you as your best friend, and I'm sure that will be guiding you in the days, weeks and months ahead.

Much love and care 💗

Eagle Ray

Re: I miss you too much

therising — Mon, 02 Jun 2025 18:17:59 GMT

Thank you dearest Eagle Ray. Your words are of great comfort and so much appreciated. While the waves of emotion come and go, some are small and some feel like Tsunamis. ❤️

Re: I miss you too much

therising — Mon, 02 Jun 2025 18:47:20 GMT

Dear Guest

As you can see, there are the most beautiful people on the forums here, none of who would ever say 'Just get over it' or 'You're being pathetic'. These are the kind of amazing people to turn to. The kind of people who don't leave us down or bring us down. They are the kind who hold love and potential to raise us.

My mum and I discussed on occasion over the years how I would manage her passing, as I have a history of depression and she worried how I would cope and not find myself in another depression. I reassured her I would do whatever it took, when it came to finding positive resources, to manage. Btw, she knew the time would eventually come, as she was continuing to develop a number of chronic conditions. With the forums here being a promising resource for you, with the incredible people here being a resource for love, compassion, warmth and guidance, come here whenever you feel the need.

My husband can be a very hugging person toward me, especially now in my life. Hugs are not what I need from him, yet he insists on trying to hug me. While I feel my daughter and sister hug me with every ounce of their soul, they are my go to people for hugs at the moment, as we embrace each other and make greater sense of this time and the way forward. If what we need is to be raised by our partner not through hugging and not through words about just getting on with life, if they can not search deeply for what we need after have known us for so long, how well do they really know us? The loss of someone we love so much is a telling time, in so many different ways.

Re: I miss you too much

therising — Wed, 09 Jul 2025 08:26:04 GMT

Dear Guest

Checking in on you, seeing how you are and how you're managing. You are obviously someone who is so full of love, especially for your mum.

It can be so hard to form a new relationship with our mum, one that's no longer in physical form. How do we do it when we were never given any positive mind altering tips on how to do it, before our mum passed. We were never prepared. Everyone manages or struggles differently. I think one of the most therapeutic ways forward can involve talking and feeling our way through our struggles with others, while endeavoring to work out exactly what we're struggling with and feeling. So many emotions we've maybe never felt before. New ones can be so hard to work out but I have faith that we can (work them out). ❤️

Re: I miss you too much

Eagle Ray — Wed, 09 Jul 2025 11:29:24 GMT

Dear Guest and therising,

I hope you are both doing ok? The rising, how are you going with the waves of emotion? I know that thing where they vary between small waves and tsunamis.

I agree with you that we often don't get prepared for these kinds of events and emotions and are left to struggle through them when they happen. I think in some other societies there are better structures in place for providing holding spaces for emotion and grief in particular. After the Black Summer bushfires I went to a gathering in the city in Perth (not even on the same side of Australia where the worst of it was happening, though we had some fires going too). A group of Aboriginal women led a crying session where they just let out keening and crying and we were invited to join in if we felt the need to express ourselves in this way. So often in this society there is no visceral outlet for grief and we can feel we don't have permission to really express our internal world of emotion. I have learned that when I can express this internal world, certain internal pain gets released. Of course it doesn't fix the loss or the grief but it can sometimes help, and I get the sense it helps even more when it's socially sanctioned and supported. It's harder when trying to do such things alone. Anyway, I am here to listen to you, and you too Guest, if you need to express your feelings.

Hugs,

Take care 🙏❤️

Re: I miss you too much

therising — Wed, 09 Jul 2025 17:09:22 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray

Grief is such an interesting process. It can be so full of surprises and mysteries. I think we're blessed to have people around us to help us solve the mysteries, as to why we can be feeling the way we are at times. With a history of times in depression throughout my life, I've learned that if I can make better sense of how and why I'm feeling the more challenging emotions, there's less chance of them bringing me down or me staying in them. While the emotional surges are still coming, the waves are definitely coming further apart. I had a couple of people in my life help me make sense of why I couldn't help but cry when disposing of all my mum's x-rays and scans the other day, while in the midst of cleaning out her house. When I asked 'Why am I feeling so impacted by this?', they suggested that not only was I the one to take her to so many x-ray/scan/specialist related appointments over the last 10 years or so, recalling my partnership with her in lovingly supporting her, these images were also evidence of her challenging conditions during that time. I was feeling the loss of that partnership we shared while also feeling sadness for her. There's been a lot to make sense of, a lot that has come to light and a lot that will continue to come to light. When light is shed, darkness lessens.

Having safe places to grieve is definitely key when it comes to unlocking ways forward. I like the idea of crying sessions or crying circles. Such strong powerful emotions expressed and shared. So, a place and a time of venting and great power. There can be such an experience of sadness, powerlessness and holding on to emotion when feeling so alone.

One of the most interesting things I've discovered is how triggered I am to tears when reflecting on my own sadness. I can just hear my mum saying 'You have got to stop upsetting yourself like this. Stop focusing on how sad you are and focus more on changing your life. Stop wasting your time'. She made me promise her, in the weeks leading up to her passing, that I would begin to change my life for the better. I've been drifting for the longest time, within a marriage that's empty, in a direction that's aimless, in a life that lacks energy, purpose and passion. In my mind (in meditation), I see and hear my mum saying 'Are you going to simply speak of change or are you going to actually change your life? Stop talking and start doing'. Her passing marks a time of great transition not only for her but for those who remain here while being challenged to evolve. 🙂

Re: I miss you too much

indigo22 — Thu, 10 Jul 2025 04:57:03 GMT

Hi therising and guest, (👋 ER)

My apologies for intruding on your conversation with ER. I felt the need to share from my own experience.

Please don't expect too much of yourself too soon, we are meant to go through the stages and when we come out the other side, we have more clarity to make decisions that will change how our lives look going forward.

It has only been a few weeks, let yourself be in this moment and work through the emotions you are feeling. Your mum would be able to see that you don't have the capacity for change at this time but will be there to comfort you for now and be there to cheer you on when you are ready. Those on the other side don't have expectations and judgements like we humans do, you will never be judged by anyone other than yourself.

Be kind to yourself,

indigo 🌹

Re: I miss you too much

Eagle Ray — Thu, 10 Jul 2025 12:57:22 GMT

Hello therising, indigo and Guest,

Therising, I think it's amazing you are able to view grief as an interesting process that can be full of surprises and mysteries. I think when we can engage our curiosity about it, it takes some of the sting/pain out of it and we can see how it ebbs and flows. I think it is very true, that being able to make sense or meaning out of emotions helps to prevent them being chronically stuck. One thing I have become so aware of recently is that my chronic patterns of dissociation have probably kept grief from moving through for me, because to be dissociated is to not be present with something. But when you are in presence with something and have that open curiosity, it's like the thing itself becomes more flexible and movable.

I relate very much to what you say about your mum's x-rays and scans. I felt the same when I threw out my mum's x-rays, medical reports etc. It totally makes sense that you had those feelings and I'm glad you had some others around you to help make sense of them.

I think, as you say, that grief often does open up a lot of reflection and in that reflection there can be evolution and change. It might be too that a lot of focus went onto the care of your mum, but now it is like she is freeing you up with the message she shared and the desire you also feel to find the energy, purpose and passion you mention. But also I really agree with indigo that it's important to not put too much pressure on yourself and expect too much of yourself too soon. While your mum is that shining beacon, I'm sure she would also want you to go gently and with the greatest of care towards yourself.

Sending hugs and support 💗

Re: I miss you too much

therising — Thu, 10 Jul 2025 17:54:20 GMT

Dear Guest

I hope you return for the great support and guidance people here have to offer. I've come to realise, thanks to people in my life like Indigo, Eagle Ray and others that it's about the right kind of support and love from the right people/guides, as opposed to focusing on a lack of much needed support from those we can't rely on.

Eagle Ray and Indigo, you're absolutely 100% spot on when it comes to my mum insisting on me being kind and patient with myself and not judging myself too harshly. There have been some small changes or steps so far on a new path. While they are small, a change of path is no small thing itself and I take comfort in that while finding it exciting as well. Who knows where it will lead. Developing more soulful practices is serving me well, as I set off on this path.

One of the things I struggle with is the sense of loneliness in feeling certain emotions that no one else seems to feel, such as the overwhelming emotion regarding the x-rays/scans. Thanks Eagle Ray, for touching on that. I've gone from feeling a sense of 'foolishness' regarding my reaction, to feeling confidence in the fact that not only are my emotions at times valid but relatable to some. This is a part of my new path, developing confidence in my emotions while trusting that they are telling.

In our grief we come to know ourself far better. We could say 'I am more feeling than I previously imagined. I am more loving than I once believed possible. I am more determined to develop healthier and more supportive relationships and let go of the relationships that bring me down. I am more capable compared to what I once believed'. ❤️

Re: I miss you too much

Eagle Ray — Fri, 11 Jul 2025 14:23:01 GMT

Those are such wise thoughts therising. I love what you say about developing confidence in your emotions, something I realise I am trying to do too. There is no foolish or wrong emotion, and I think all emotions are communications from the heart, soul, memory and nervous system.

It's so true what you say about the steps being small, but the change of path being no small thing. I feel I am trying to change paths at the moment and it feels both huge in terms of the path to walk, but small in terms of the steps I can take. I think patience is going to be my friend in that process and remembering to enjoy the journey each day.

Guest, if you are still reading, I hope you are doing ok and feel free to share any memories or feelings about your mum. I lacked people to talk to following my mum's death, in terms of people who could support me in my grief, so I know it can feel awful when it feels like you have no one to share with. It can be very validating and make things easier to process when we can share with someone who is understanding and present with our experience.

Hugs to everyone 💕

Re: I miss you too much

therising — Sat, 12 Jul 2025 07:46:18 GMT

And hugs to you, dearest Eagle Ray. Although we travel separately through out own personal terrain, we travel in spirit together on the same quest, one full of challenge, feeling, evolution, mutual love & support and more. ❤️🤗