topic Re: Change of Season blues. in Grief and loss

Change of Season blues.

ABC01 — Sat, 26 Oct 2024 02:16:50 GMT

Dear All,

I don’t know if the season changing is the catalyst,but I see my passed loved one every where. The memories are flooding in and I am just so sad. I have started writing down the memories that are making me sad that day. One to get them out and two maybe to be able to cherish them later,at some point.

I just miss them incredibly. I yearn for them. They have only been gone five and a half months.
Is this grieving? One of the cycles?

I have been so zonked out trying to get my medication right,the depression set in. Now I may finally be stable in medication,is this months of grieving surfacing?
I feel slightly out of control. Not that I am. But I feel like my feelings are ping ponging all over the place and am on the edge of crying almost always.

Thank you for your time and replies,

ABC01

Re: Change of Season blues.

Scared — Sat, 26 Oct 2024 03:28:11 GMT

Hello.

What you are going thru is the toughest thing a person can go thru. This is why there is no way to grieve but only how you feel on any given day. How you feel today may be different to how you feel tomorrow. 5 months is not long in the process of grief and you learn there are worse days than others and there is no rhyme or reason for this change generally. Living each day as it comes and simply acknowledge you are not doing well today. Also never allow others to tell you how you should feel or think. I talked about complicated grief. Someone i know their only child died and its been years now since this event.. This person now has complicated grief as she doesnt want to recover. Initially we can all understand and expect she doesnt want to recover who would but this person doesnt allow other things to come into her life. She fails to see that allowing herself to be more active in life DOES NOT mean she has moved on and forgetting her child. It means her loss is still there but more balanced with other activities. You writing about memories is a theraputic and healthy thing to do. My dad had to bury his son and it broke him until he let Jesus into his life. I saw Jesus work a miracle on my dads outlook of life. I dont have an answer why life can be so cruel to us but Jesus or having a God helps make sense of the cruelty of losing loved ones.

Re: Change of Season blues.

Merricat — Sat, 26 Oct 2024 05:44:12 GMT

Hi ABC01

This year seems to be your "annus horribilis,” or your horrible year. I'm so sorry you are grieving so deeply for your loved one. That's the trouble when someone you really loves dies you get left behind with all those emotions "ping ponging all over the place". It's just too much pain isn't it and yet you always take the time to help others.

I've just been over reading up on Grandy's life and how this traumatised woman, who also helps others on this forum, was abused by an insensitive woman at the op-shop she was volunteering at. It affected her so much she had to leave.

I hope you have someone who can support you during this time but if not, ring one of the crisis lines, I do that often. Take care.

Merricat 🌹

Re: Change of Season blues.

ABC01 — Sat, 26 Oct 2024 08:34:28 GMT

Dear Merricat and Scared,

Thank you both for your responses. I know that it hasn’t been that long in timeframe,but to me it has felt like an eternity. And I have felt every second of it.

Thank you Merricat, I will call the hotline if it isn’t bearable for me or people aren’t there for me. This year has been one of the worst of my life. Possibly even the cruelest. I have had to face being myself and going about my day, one morning and everything was going along fine,then that afternoon, having to have to face something horrible and then contemplate who I am anymore. And have ever since.

Thank you Scared, I am sorry to hear the story of the woman. My heart breaks for her. In a way, I too don’t want to recover from his passing. I believe it means goodbye. Goodbye is final/forever. But at the same time I want to be healthy. I just don’t want to move on without him. But I know that isn’t what he would want for me. I understand everything you have said to me. One day it makes sense,and then the next it doesn’t.My mind is also only able to process so much in one day. And then it tries to protect itself to preserve itself for the rest of that day.

I can’t possibly understand how I am meant to live the next so&so amount of years to be an elderly person,without them. I know I have options and I have to choose what one I want to take. And my therapies should help . But the pain is intense. The longing is intense. Because the love was so intense.

So I thank you both. Even as I have tears in my eyes as I write back. Sometimes you just need to cry.

Grateful,

ABC01

Re: Change of Season blues.

Merricat — Sat, 26 Oct 2024 09:07:57 GMT

Hi again

I'm worried about you. Maybe you should ring Lifeline Crisis (13 11 14) and when asked press 1 for the crisis team. When I'm suicidal or feeling very manic, I ring them as they are trained in dealing with people in crisis which I think you may be in. Sometimes it really helps to just cry and vent and usually by the end of the call you are so exhausted you fall asleep. Have a warm shower, a hot drink and have plenty of tissues handy and give them a call. If you still need to talk to someone late at night or early in the morning you can call them again. Done it myself plenty of times and they said that they are always there for me. Take care.

Merricat 🩷

Re: Change of Season blues.

tranzcrybe — Sat, 26 Oct 2024 13:11:39 GMT

There is an inexorable pain when losing a loved one, but as with all heartache, this is an expression of love - to do otherwise would be more disconcerting.
Grief is neither an illness nor deficiency, although it will feel that way for some time as you mentally adjust to a new (and often foreign) environment.
I found comfort in some advice to simply allow these emotions to surface, acknowledge them, and even contemplate how they are acting on us without trying to stifle or direct an outcome.
Remember, they are not inherited but of our own internal reconciliation of circumstances beyond our control; and it is your very soul making a case for the departed along with an indelible recollection of shared experiences (including longing, as this is surely mutual) being processed and ultimately cherished.
Be they happy or poignant recollections, it is the bond that will remain between you regardless of distance.

Re: Change of Season blues.

ABC01 — Sun, 27 Oct 2024 06:00:15 GMT

Thank you Merricat,

I have a team of people I am under and am being monitored and supported. I have rang these hotlines before and will do so again when needed. Just to sit in these constant uncomfortable feelings is intense and hard. But that is grief. And also depression. I won't lie, I am a little lost,like I need a purpose,but if I don't deal with this grief properly now,it will come back around again. And I don't know if I will have the support system I do have now, in the future.

Thank-you truly for your worry and support. It is nice to know that people care.

ABC01

Re: Change of Season blues.

ABC01 — Sun, 27 Oct 2024 06:08:13 GMT

Dear tranzcrybe,

I am letting what needs to happen, happen.

Acceptance is half/half at the moment.

I understand that they are gone. It is just dealing with the circumstances surrounding their passing. Hate, blame, regret and even shame. It wasn't my fault and I have to keep reminding myself of this. I wasn't even there when they passed. Unfortunately, my mind seeks answers and when it can't find any, it blames myself. Because that is easier to do. Facing it now is hard. But I am facing it.

Thank you for your reply.

ABC01

Re: Change of Season blues.

Merricat — Sun, 27 Oct 2024 09:27:00 GMT

Hi ABC01

I'm glad you have a good support team to help you through this terrible time. I felt so sad for you being all on your own and having so much hurt to deal with. I do hope your support team are there for you over the weekend as those two days can often be really hard. Take care.

Merricat 🦋

Re: Change of Season blues.

ABC01 — Wed, 30 Oct 2024 04:14:09 GMT

Thank you Merricat,

I read your post the other day but didn’t know how to reply. So I will just say a big thank you for your kindness and empathy towards me. I am alone in a room full of other people who have moved on or don’t express their grief anymore outwardly.

Thank you again,

ABC01

Re: Change of Season blues.

Merricat — Wed, 30 Oct 2024 06:19:51 GMT

Hi ABC01

I've never really experienced the sort of grief you're going through, although I wish I had someone I loved that much. However, a lovely little Persian cat came into my life 35 years ago and she gave me such joy to my lonely, loveless life, I never thought I'd get over it but time does eventually lessen the pain. I wish we were better at death and grieving but the western world has become so disconnected.

Nearly everyone who posts on this forum writes about loneliness and isolation. However, reading your post you can have people in your life who shut down or just don't have the time or patience to deal with someone who is in alot of emotional pain. So many family members and friends just turn away, not sure whether it's because they don't know what to say to you so they say nothing, or that you are allotted a certain amount of their time then you need to "get over it". I don't know what people expect of those who are still suffering as you can't put a time limit on it.

Just keep posting your feelings even if you don't get many replies. It's like writing a journal but generously allowing people to read your thoughts which can help others.

Take care.

Merricat 🐱

Re: Change of Season blues.

ABC01 — Thu, 31 Oct 2024 01:23:17 GMT

Dear Merricat,

Your Persian is a significant loss in your life. Often pets become family members, just like any others ie; your sister or brother. They become your own family unit. And their loss can be sometimes more difficult then a human loss, due to the closeness and daily interactive strength of your relationship with them. And the unconditional love. And the purpose they give you. So perhaps you understand my pain more then you think. I have loved and lost many furry family members and some I have grieved healthy and managed to move on and the last two, I haven't. I don't have children or plan too at this stage of my life. And they became my children and I threw all my love into them. So when they left this world, I have loved so hard,that I grieved equally as hard. And not quite as healthy as I would have liked. And still do.

As a reply to your post, I actually had a loved one tell me just yesterday, that I wasn't grieving to their timeline, and it was time for me to stop now. But I know grief has no timeline and I can grieve as much as I like. They want my suffering to stop and me to be happy again. But I am not who I was before this passing. So I don't know what that person looks like now,the me who has to find happiness again. So I am searching online to try to find knowledge on subjects that are affecting me.

Thank you,

ABC01

Re: Change of Season blues.

Merricat — Thu, 31 Oct 2024 09:34:07 GMT

Hi ABC01

I think that's why I can't get another cat as it is too painful. Also my cats, on average, lived for 18 years and I'm worried I might die or develop some sort of dementia.

It's inevitable that we change, and hopefully grow, when our lives are turned upside down. It's the unpredictable nature of life that throws us off course. You give me the impression of someone who doesn't push your feelings aside but wants to understand them even if these new unpleasant feelings remain part of your life. Eagle Ray seems to be on a similar journey.

Do you ever listen to ABC's 'Conversations'? If you go to their website and type grief into their search bar you'll be able to listen in to how others have dealt with their grief and trauma. They also have stories from different cultures.

Take care

Merricat 🐱

Re: Change of Season blues.

ABC01 — Fri, 01 Nov 2024 05:29:12 GMT

Dear Merricat,

Thank you, that is a great idea. About the "Conversations".

I definitely am someone who doesn't accept that things are only one way and that is it. If that is your lot in life, then I ponder the meaning of life and ect. And that is a rabbit hole you want to avoid. So I always want to understand my feelings to be able to navigate myself towards the better and away from the worse. The mind is much bigger then I ever anticipated. I have alot of mental health education,(since I was twelve) but I never stop learning as I live each day. So I do want understand even if it is hard or uncomfortable. I know if I run, even just once, I will continue to do so and that creates bigger problems. I just feel so lonely in doing so.

But you have been a big support for me over the last few weeks. So, How are you Merricat?

ABC01

Re: Change of Season blues.

Merricat — Fri, 01 Nov 2024 07:40:33 GMT

Hi ABC01

Yes, the problems just manifest in other ways. It's better to own your feelings than pretend there's "nothing to see here folks".

I been having small bouts of depression lately but nothing like it used to be. I think age is helping me to relax more and take a few more risks. I'm trying not to be so afraid of people which has stunted my life terribly. I just can't shake that feeling that I am too boring. I sometimes think all the fictional books I have read over the years (and movies) about extraordinary people (who always seem to be really good looking) have left me feeling less than ordinary. I often think you could write a book, or movie, about three characters from the BB forum, one with CPTSD, one with Bi-polar disorder, and the other with depression and anxiety, who only know one another on a MI forum but with none of those happy endings, just real life endings.

I'm listening to an Agatha Christie's "4:50 from Paddington" audiobook CD at the moment so I have something to keep me company. Thank goodness for the library.

Take care.

Merricat 😺

Re: Change of Season blues.

ABC01 — Sat, 02 Nov 2024 11:14:30 GMT

Dear Merricat,

I am glad that you are travelling better than you have been. Your experience in life has been helpful to me and I am grateful for you.

I think all media has stunted many peoples life. Movies, tv, books and celebrities have always been so glamorous and make life out to be so easy. Only as we live it, do we realise it is a lie. And a big fat one too. Happy endings are what people want to see,because that is what we want in our own lives. However the stories only stop there, at the happy endings. What happens after the happy endings? Probably real life. Celebrities pay for their lives to look like that. None of it is real.

You are not boring. How many super heroes do you know? Or Carrie’s from Sex and the City? They don’t exist. Real people do. Kindness isn’t boring. The amount of audio books you could talk about isn’t boring & all the things you must have learned from them and your ability to have honest conversations with others on this forum isn’t boring. I might start checking out the library myself. It may expand my small world.

I must admit I like happy endings because I would like my life to have some of that happiness, especially with other people. I have watched dramas where there isn’t one and feel as if I have wasted my time watching it.I have social anxiety based off how I was raised. So you are not alone there. Being afraid of people, I just want someone to understand me and like me enough to want to hang around me. I would like love too. I think loads of people do. Being scared of others is natural.We don’t want to be hurt. And the world is a little bit more dangerous than when I was a kid. It is natural to be weary.

I am glad that you feel you can take more risks, I would love to do that. Let me know if they pay off. That may inspire me to try too.

I am glad to have been talking and met you Merricat. Keep telling yourself, you are not boring. It will become an automatic thought and belief if you tell yourself enough. But it is the truth.

I hope the audiobook is interesting.

ABC01

Re: Change of Season blues.

Merricat — Sun, 03 Nov 2024 19:58:16 GMT

Hi ABC01

Thanks. I think I'm getting better at recognizing all those negative self descriptions. After rereading my post to you, I think it's time to stop describing myself as 'boring'. I'm starting to do this alot lately, that is, changing how I act and react. That's what I meant about taking risks. I feel alot more peaceful.

I like both happy and realistic endings, it depends on the story. If it's about homelessness, for example, I would hate a happy hollywood ending. I remember watching a movie about homelessness from Ireland called "Rosie" and it was, to say the least, very bleak but truthful. I just want to watch a movie where people look like the people you see everyday.

Anyway, I hope you have some 'happy moments' this week. Although we are going to be bombarded on Wednesday with the US election. 😒

Take care

Merricat 🐱

Re: Change of Season blues.

ABC01 — Mon, 04 Nov 2024 10:16:10 GMT

Dear Merricat,

I think when we become our own cheerleader vs our own bully, things do get more peaceful and your confidence grows. So good on you.🙂

Thanks for the chat,

ABC01