topic I miss him so much today. in Grief and loss

I miss him so much today.

ABC01 — Fri, 12 Jul 2024 05:17:33 GMT

Hi,

I lost my beloved cat nearly 7 weeks ago. I was devoted to him for the 3 and a half years I had him. He was killed and I have been devastated and dealing with my grief on a daily basis.

Today,I just miss him so much. I feel like I need a cat in my life,but I am just looking for him in every cat I see. I know I can never have him back,but I just long for him. It is the worst pain. Everything is so silent now. That makes me miss him harder.

I also feel now like I want to eat everything in my path to help deal.

Thank you for hearing me.

ABC01

Why can't I cry today?!

ABC01 — Thu, 20 Jun 2024 10:12:14 GMT

Dear everyone,
It has been 4 and half weeks since my beloved unexpectedly passed. I have been devastated, in shock and in utter disbelief. I have cried each and everyday.

Until today. Don't get me wrong I am sad today, I have thought about him, I have felt the unfairness of him not being here. I just haven't naturally cried. Every other day I have.

I have spent my day sorting out all my photos into organized files. I have kept myself so busy I haven't had a chance to stop because I don't know what to do with myself and the time if I do. I guess I also may have started to understand and feel my "enduring connection" with him (Which has been alluding me so far). I felt flighty and my heart was pounding as I looked at his photos. The anxiety was felt in my body. The videos were too hard to watch all the way through. But there were also some photos that prompted some precious memories and the warmth I felt as I was living in these moments with him. That in some of the memories in my mind -I love so much- that there is a photo that corresponds to it, to keep that memory in my grasp.

But WHY haven't I cried?

If I am being totally honest, I feel like the biggest piece of trash. I feel so much guilt for not be able to cry today. I feel like I am betraying him. It doesn't matter that I have cried every other day. I should cry when I am grieving and sad. Devastated over his loss. Angry at the injustice of his life being gone from myself and him. If I don't cry, I don't want him to think I don't love him. If I don't cry, I don't want that to mean my grief is over and I have "moved on".

Help me please. I don't understand why.
ABC01

Re: Why can't I cry today?!

Croix — Fri, 21 Jun 2024 12:51:22 GMT

Dear ABC01~

Life would be a lot simpler if all the emotions we had were steady, and hopefully shock and grief gradually improved in a regular even manner. The same applies in how we express it.

I"m afraid it is not the way it works -at least for myself and other pople I know. Things do go up and down. One day you can look at photos, the next it may be more difficult. The same applies to all the emotions involved, including guilt (misplaced) and anger.

Every human being has their own way of expressing greif, not by choice, it just happens. Some days anger may take over as a result of the circumstances of you cat's death, other days simple loss.

There is no rile book for greif, no standard way, it is you mourning, and to expect your crying to coincide with a stereotype is unrealistic. Not crying does not mean you feel the loss less, just for once you have no tears.

There is no conscious 'moving on'. You cannot try to move on. It is something that gradually happens and can take a long time, with days for example you can look at photos and feel just loss, other days (which will happen more and more frequently) you will remember the occasion and feel good.

You are doing just fine, and hopefully the photos and videos will bi=ring you more and more solace.

You can talk here anytime

Croix

Re: Why can't I cry today?!

ABC01 — Sat, 22 Jun 2024 10:47:13 GMT

Dear Croix,

Thank you for your words and understanding.

I ended up crying three different times the next day. I realise my fear is talking and strongly driven.

I know I should be kind to myself and also try and ask myself what I would say to another person in this position. Unfortunately, I have trouble listening to my own words.

I have read alot about grief in the past few weeks, searching for any answers that maybe relevant to my situation. But unfortunately, there aren't alot of resources dedicated to such a terrible tragic ending to a pet's life and strategies to help cope. Most of them are for animals passing when they were old or illness based.

To me, he has never been a pet, he is my family. I raised him. And I was supposed to have continued to raise him for the next decade. And even though through research, connecting to forums and doing pet bereavement seminars, I have this grief theory, putting it in practice and connecting to it on a emotional level is very hard. I can't connect bridges where they need to be.

So thank you again for taking the time to reply to my post. "Not crying does not mean you feel the loss less, just for once you have no tears."-has helped me alot.

ABC01

Seeking many perspectives on a question I can't answer myself.

ABC01 — Sat, 13 Jul 2024 09:44:15 GMT

Dear Everyone (please as many people reply as you can),

My pet didn’t have an illness.
My pet wasn’t old and lived a full life.
I didn’t get to have conversations with vets and family about the options for my pets care in the event of them being sick or elderly.
I didn’t get to make an option that was best for my pet.
I didn’t get to comfort my pet in their last moments.
I didn’t get to say goodbye to my pet.

As time and grief has moved on, I haven’t been able to reflect on any of these points and find any relief or comfort in them ,as others might in old age/illness type deaths of loved pets. I haven’t been able to find acceptance or peace in knowing I did my duty of care for my beloved pet. Why?

My Cat didn’t have an illness.
My Cat was a young boy of 3.5 years old.
There wasn’t any need for consultations as he was in his prime and healthy.
I didn’t get to say goodbye to my Cat before his death. I didn’t get to be there for him.

As time and grief has moved on, I can’t find any relief or comfort in his passing for all those reasons above.

Can anyone please give me their point of view or perspective on how I am supposed to find that type of relief or comfort in his passing? I am struggling resoundingly. I don’t have anywhere to go to ask this.

Thank you greatly.

ABC01

Re: Seeking many perspectives on a question I can't answer myself.

Oshinxx1 — Sun, 14 Jul 2024 09:17:48 GMT

Hi ABC01,

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear of your loss, losing a pet is a difficult experience to endure. From what you have described, you loved your cat very much and I am positive that they knew they were loved and lived their best life before they passed. The death of a pet or anyone before their time is hard to process and what you have described is a testament of your love. The nature of death is that it can be unpredictable as you have experienced and the theoretical concept of a 'good death' is not always possible. Although you were unable to be there to say goodbye and be there at the end, I believe you did fulfil your 'duty of care' to your cat by loving them throughout their life. Hopefully you can find some peace knowing and remembering the life you shared and the wonderful times you had, not easy, believe me I know.

Re: Seeking many perspectives on a question I can't answer myself.

sbella02 — Sun, 14 Jul 2024 13:44:20 GMT

ABC01,

I'm sorry to hear about your cat's passing. It's horrible to lose a pet. They're such supportive creatures for our wellbeing, and to be able to have a connection with any animal is always such a blessing.

I can relate to what you've said. I lost my childhood cat about five years ago, and I also didn't get to say goodbye. I grieved for a while, as I felt that she had so much more life left to live, and that I had so much more love left to give.

I want to highlight one thing that you've said that stuck out to me:

"Lived a full life"

Your cat lived a full life in which he was greatly loved and cared for by you. Remind yourself of great moments you shared with your cat, and ways in which the two of you bonded. If you have photos and videos, you can always look back through these to treasure those special memories with your cat. Instead of thinking about everything that you didn't get to do, try to remember everything that you did do together.

Having said that, allowing yourself to grieve in whatever way feels most natural to you is also important. Reminiscing about positive memories can be part of this process if you feel like it needs to be. If you feel that you need to cry, or talk to people, or write it all out, listen to what your body is telling you to do.

One other way that I coped with the grief of losing my cat was adopting two new cats. It was quite a while before my family felt ready to take on two new little companions, but I feel that this offered a way to give the love that I had for my childhood cat - love that would otherwise have no place to go - to another animal (or two). Directing all that love that you still have towards something else can help, if that's something that you would be prepared to do at this stage.

I hope this helps, and we're here for you if you need to chat some more. Losing a pet is really, really tough. I can relate to what you're going through, and I'd be happy to offer more advice from my own experience as well if there's something else you'd like to know or ask.

Take care, SB

Re: Seeking many perspectives on a question I can't answer myself.

ABC01 — Tue, 16 Jul 2024 06:21:41 GMT

Dear Oshinxx1,

Thank you for your kind words and perspective.

Knowing I lived my life to the fullest with him in every moment I had with him,soothes me as well as distresses me. Because I lived in the moment with him, I am disappointed that I won’t be able to continue doing that at the level I once had.

You have shown me that “Duty of Care” is a two way street. I am very focused on how he passed, I haven’t reflected on how he lived. So thank you.

ABC01

Re: Seeking many perspectives on a question I can't answer myself.

ABC01 — Tue, 16 Jul 2024 06:37:48 GMT

Dear sbella02,

Thank you for your support and very relatable response.

The answers I seek are not something one person can provide on their own. That is why I am seeking many.

”Lived a Full Life” isn’t a sentence I believed could be perceived as more then one way. I did give him the world and I am so proud of it, I just want to keep giving him that. It is something to definitely look into more. It is hard when my heart is shattered and the world looks so different now. But I would never trade in any of my memories with him,not even for a billion dollars.

I am sorry to hear about your childhood cat. The fact you still talk about them shows your love for them too. And I feel relief that you can remember them strongly. I have hope that I will too.

I am not ready at all for new furry friends. The fear is that with them,I would always think that this should be him with me and not them. Like they are stealing his moments.

So I know like your family, I will need to be ready.

Thank you so much SB. It feels good to not feel alone.

Gratefully,

ABC01

Re: Seeking many perspectives on a question I can't answer myself.

Oshinxx1 — Tue, 16 Jul 2024 07:51:34 GMT

You are most welcome, take care.

Re: Seeking many perspectives on a question I can't answer myself.

sbella02 — Sun, 21 Jul 2024 08:57:16 GMT

ABC01, I'm glad that you're able to look at things from a new perspective - sometimes that's all you need to start feeling better about something.

I can definitely understand not being fully ready to adopt new furry friends. Of course, it takes time to reflect on good memories and moments before you feel that you're ready or want to make new ones, and that's okay. I know that I love my cats dearly, but my childhood cat will always hold a special place in my heart as well, as well as my childhood dog. That's the good thing about having so much love in your heart - there's room in there for both previous and current pets.

How are you feeling currently? Has it helped to look through photos or reflect on memories at all?

Re: Seeking many perspectives on a question I can't answer myself.

ABC01 — Sun, 21 Jul 2024 09:57:42 GMT

Dear sbella02,

It has helped to start to create shadow boxes and print the photos I want to frame. It feels like I am spending time with him when I do it.

I however am not doing very well. I miss him when I first wake up, I miss him during the day,I miss him at night and I miss him the most right before I go to bed. I am finding it hard to feel sleepy. I am finding it hard to want to get out of bed in the morning. I find sleeping is better then being awake. 8 weeks have passed and I feel like life is worse then ever. I am on medication and connected to mental health professionals, but I don’t feel like they are working. I feel like everyday is groundhog day. The same over and over. Last week I was very angry. This week I am very sad. Grief is a very lonely long road. I just wish other people in my house would say his name. Major. He has disappeared from our home very quickly from others and I feel like his memory is not being respected. My expectations of others are flat on the ground. It is very sad. My gauge truly isn’t that far off in real life. You can’t change other people,but they could at least have some empathy for longer then the 3 weeks they honestly gave.
Sorry to offload alot,but thank you for asking about me.

Thank you,

ABC01

Re: Seeking many perspectives on a question I can't answer myself.

sbella02 — Mon, 22 Jul 2024 08:38:28 GMT

What a beautiful tribute, photos can be such a great way of dealing with grief. Like you said, it can feel like you're reliving certain memories. You also don't have to apologise for offloading, we're here to listen and support you, so you can offload as much as you need to.

I feel like I see that a lot with people who have either never had a pet or weren't particularly close with a pet that has passed, where it can feel like other people move on quite quickly or don't take it as seriously, which can feel frustrating. Sometimes, for those who did have more of a connection with a lost pet, this can just be because some people prefer to deal with their grief in a quiet and private way.

Is there anyone in your family, or any friends or loved ones, who you'd feel comfortable talking to about how you're feeling? Is there anyone who has had a connection with your cat who you may be able to open up to and reminisce with?

That's the other thing that I've learned - grief isn't a linear process with distinct stages that happen in order, people experience these stages at different times and intensities. Every grieving process is different, and everyone finds comfort in different activities or rituals during different stages of their grief. It's important to be patient with yourself during this time. What you're going through is very normal for pet owners who have suffered a loss, particularly if it's recent as yours is. Your cat was and still is important to you, and such a sudden loss can take a big toll on you.

Keep remembering all the positive moments that you both shared, and do whatever you feel you need to in order to treasure him. If you're into art or writing at all, creative outlets like this can also be a good means of processing grief and representing life.

It is a pretending day.

ABC01 — Sat, 27 Jul 2024 02:55:16 GMT

Hi,
It is a pretending day today.
I have to pretend that I am okay. I have to pretend that my sense of humor is back and I am engaging people like I used too.
But it is just a front. Inside it is a hollow feeling, even as I am doing it.
No one asks how I am anymore in regards to my grief or loss. So I just have to pretend.
Does anyone else have to pretend?
ABC01

Re: It is a pretending day.

Croix — Sat, 27 Jul 2024 12:26:24 GMT

Dear ABC01~

I guess there are lot of people that pretend things are ok when they are not. I do it myself when PTSD makes me overemotional or depression makes me unmotivated and feeling pointless. I realise your feelings come from grief, but the idea is the same.

Then if a casual acquaintance or colleague asks I'll say I'm fine. It gets over the tedious repetitive explanations to those that probable won't understand and makes things seem to go smoother.

With someone I know will understand I'm much more likely to tell the truth - even if it is a repetition of what I've said before. No easy answers but there is an important difference. I do not feel as isolated and alone. I don't expect them to be able to 'fix' things, but just taking the time to care can mean a lot, and leaving me knowing it's ok to feel as I do.

Croix

Re: It is a pretending day.

ABC01 — Sun, 28 Jul 2024 08:47:40 GMT

Thank you Croix,

I have to pretend because these people aren't able to understand my grief or know what to do about it.

I do have one person though, but that aren't always available to contact.

But thank you for your words.

ABC01

Re: It is a pretending day.

pawsy — Fri, 16 Aug 2024 23:05:53 GMT

Yes! definitely pretending over here too. Hollow feeling. Yup. How are you doing anyway ABC? I hope some nice things happen on your weekend, even on the pretending days. Pawsy

Re: It is a pretending day.

ABC01 — Sat, 17 Aug 2024 10:06:10 GMT

Dear pawsy,

Today I spent the day doing stuff on my computer, but had my memorial candle lit next to me. It is made out of wood and has his name on it,and then a tealight candle pops into it for you to light. In a silly way, I hope the light from the candle reached him. There aren’t many things I believe about death and the after life, but I do find some comfort in candle flames. Perhaps the energy created by the flame/fire can somehow reach him and his energy/soul where ever that may be. Or maybe it is just a comfort for ME.

In all honesty pawsy, I am not doing great. Three months have passed and I feel like I have no idea how I got here. The days and weeks have passed but I’m not engaged in them and they just keep passing. It is making a tornado brew inside me and I feel like I’m going to do something reckless. Not harmful physically. It is just like I don’t give a rat’s and once I hit that limit, I will probably say or do something that upsets someone close to me. And that will probably cause issues,but I just don’t care about it.

I don’t really care about anything. Without answers to find comfort and direction in them, I am stuck. Death is really hard to find “answers” to. I am just exhausted. Hence the pretending.

Thank you for your reply. Are you okay?
ABC01

Re: It is a pretending day.

Croix — Sun, 18 Aug 2024 13:25:26 GMT

Dear ABC01~

That wooden candle with the gentle tea-light flame sounds a really good idea, if nothing else it gives you comfort and acknowledges death does not stop a relationship.

As for the chances of recklessly letting fly as someone -so what? any sensible person will realise that you are grieving and they need to make allowances for that. It might even do you good.

Croix

Re: It is a pretending day.

pawsy — Sun, 18 Aug 2024 19:11:31 GMT

Hi ABC

It was good to read your message. thanks for sending. I relate to a lot of it ... "the days and weeks have passed but im not engaged in them and they just keep passing". yes, understand it. "it is making a tornado brew inside me" yessir. understand this too -- "Without answers to find comfort and direction in them, I am stuck" Me too. You express it very well. ... what are we going to do?? I think your point about answers is really good ... usually we grow by learning more about the thing thats challenging us, but we cant learn more about death, only how it affects us -- and in some ways that just hammers home the point of our isolation (from the dead person) and the one sidedness of it all. It's very hard. i'm tired too. I got a referral from my gp to see a psych, so i will ring her today -- but i feel like ten sessions is not going to do much. still, i would like to tell someone what is going on inside me., so.

i like your candle. i keep a box of unopened incense in my bed because then the smell in the room reminds me of my mum. fragrance is comforting ... i guess because its invisible and feels like it could be from her. i might try a candle today. the flame is quiet/calm which is nice.

hope you have an okay week. let us know! take care

pawsy