topic Need advice:( in Grief and loss

Need advice:(

Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher — Mon, 26 May 2014 07:56:26 GMT

Hello everyone,

i am new on here and I don't know where to start. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. I am a aged care nurse and my husband runs his own business. Last year was a very tough year for us. My husband developed depression. I watched his personality change and have sat back and tried to help him as much as I can (been a nurse it's in my nature I guess).

That was 8 months ago, and nothing has changed. I just want to help him as much as I can, but it feels like he is pushing me away. He hardly talks to me anymore and when he does he doesn't make eye contact with me. His moods are horrible so I don't know where I stand anymore. I just look at him and think what has happened?

Need advice:(

white knight — Mon, 26 May 2014 08:55:05 GMT

Hi PMD. a warm welcome to BB forums.

As you might be aware most of us here are sufferers of mental health illnesses and have been through issues like that of your husband.

However you havent mentioned if you and he have been to a GP to discuss the problems facing both of you, the sufferer and his carer. An appropriate referral to other specialists would be a positive move.

Either way you need to get to the bottom of it.

Hope you are ok and good luck

Need advice:(

Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher — Mon, 26 May 2014 09:06:55 GMT

Hello White Knight,

thank you so much for the warm welcome. Yes last year my husband went to our GP and he was seeing a psychologist, but that all stopped earlier this year. I asked him to go back and see his psychologist again, but he refuses:(. He has found closure with mediating. He goes to a meditation centre pretty much every weekend. This is where I feel so useless and left out. I know that I work weekends, but he hasn't even asked me to go with him.

This really upsets me as up until last year we did everything together and now it's just him. He has made friends where he goes and I can't even meet them:(. I am on a emotional roller coaster and I can't get off:(.

Need advice:(

white knight — Mon, 26 May 2014 09:24:33 GMT

Dear MDP,

It leaves me guessing and like most, I dont like guessing. But depression, psychologist to meditation sessions...sounds like possibly he is searching for his answer to peace. Often we humans go through periods where we dont know what we want but we arent happy with where we are at.

I cant suggest anything else but family counselling. If he wont attend with you then go alone. I'm of the view that if a partner wants to continue the marriage they will attend especially if you tell them its for you and your fears...not pointing the finger at him.

Need advice:(

Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher — Mon, 26 May 2014 10:22:30 GMT

Earlier said than done White Knight. I have suggested marriage counselling and he shot me down:(. I have counselling sessions on my own. I still think that he has issues to deal with, but he can't accept it.

Last year he didn't work for 3 months. Now he is back at work, but his issues are still there. He is a different person now. I wish that he would come back to my loving husband:(.

I can see that he is not happy with everything, but he refuses to take medication. I do love him, but he is pushing me away:(

Need advice:(

white knight — Mon, 26 May 2014 12:36:51 GMT

mmmm, wondering how to be positive and supportive and be realistic at the same time.

Normally I like many would make suggestions along the lines of the gP etc but you have been down that road.

I know for me I'd need resolve or my mental state would suffer. And thats where I would have to draw the line. You might have to put yourself first if you decide he isnt putting you first.

I hope you work it out. Without good communication it isnt looking good. But take care of yourself and remain positive- that's your choice, to remain true and strong.

Need advice:(

Charliebear — Mon, 26 May 2014 13:17:34 GMT

Hello purple monkey dishwasher! Love that name!

as you know from my posts we are in a very similar situation. It's so hard to see the one person you love so dearly go through this and as you I am a giver and care deeply so to be felt like we are getting pushed away from the one we love the most is heartbreaking. This emotional roller coaster is the scariest ride we have been on.

I go to counselling every we know just to check in and debrief what is going on. The main focus is to get me being a tad selfish and doing things that make me happy. And it does work however at the end of the day when you are both home those emotions come flooding back. You simply can't turn them off.

im off to the counsellor again tomorrow and I will let you know what happened as if you read my last post you will see that I needed to make a big decision for the sake of my son and my little bubba inside. I'm not sure if it's the right one but there is no other choice. I'm scared I'm making the wrong one but I'm willing to give him the space that he keeps saying he needs.

start to do things that you like doing but didn't do them cause you were focusing on others. That is what I have started. I try and exercise a few times a week, I'm trying to do more activities with my son and not let him miss out in anything. I treat myself to a few things.

My counsellor said if I go down there is no hope if both of us break. That puts a lot of pressure on me but I can see where she is coming from. I can control my actions/feelings etc to a certain extent whilst my husband can't due to this illness. We can be strong and we can be strong first for ourselves and then when our husbands need it we can be for them.

Feel free to ask me any questions etc as I know how hard it is. xxxx

Need advice:(

Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher — Tue, 27 May 2014 00:20:55 GMT

Thank you so much white knight and Charliebear for your advice and support. Last year when this all started I kept it all inside for about 2 months. I arrived at work one day and just broke down. I spent about 3 hours with my boss, filling her in and she couldn't believe it.

Wait there is more! Last year my husband text me and said that he was attracted to another woman. This is where he went off the rails. He saw her every day while I was at work. I thought I put a end to it last year when I told him it's either her or me. He chose me, but then last week I found out that they haven't stopped talking. He reckons he hasn't slept with her, but she just can't take a hint.

i said to him last week if he can't get himself together, I'm leaving and filing for divorce:(. I just wish that he saw how selfish and self absorbed he has become. This is killing me. I have phone counselling and all I do is cry. How can I be with him, if he lies straight to my face?:(

Need advice:(

Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher — Wed, 28 May 2014 01:41:02 GMT

Thank you so much Charliebear and Geoff,

Geoff: let's start focusing on my problem here and not on Charliebears page. Thank you for getting back to me. My situation is a tough one to deal with. I have my family and few friends( what I have) telling me to leave him and start again. But I wish people would see that it's not easy to do. I don't have a lot of self confidence in myself and I look at my husband and still see the old loving man that I fell in love with 10 years ago.

I hate this other woman. I hate what she has done to him and I hate this situation. It's hard for me to leave because we live with my husbands brother ( as my husband is unable for some reason to leave him). I wouldn't just be walking away from my husband. I would be walking away from my brother and law and my beautiful cat:(. My head is telling me to go, but my hear is telling me to stay. I'm torn in 2 pieces:(

Charliebear: I am so glad that you and your husband are doing your best to work everything out. I hope you both find happiness together and your beautiful family. You deserve the best in life my friend:). How was your massage? Xo

Need advice:(

Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher — Thu, 29 May 2014 13:03:59 GMT

Feeling very alone right now:(. It's like he is on a different planet to what I am on and I can't reach out or talk to him. He just shuts me down:(. Don't know what else to do for him. Finding it very hard:(

Need advice:(

Charliebear — Fri, 30 May 2014 07:13:13 GMT

Hi there,

do you have any close friends or family that you can just go and have a nice dinner and just not talk about it? Or go and treat yourself to something just for a pick me up. You have to start to believe that you too deserve to be happy as your husband. I've even thought about just going to the movies by myself - why not I say. Sometimes you just need a break from it for a while. Otherwise you are going to have a breakdown like I nearly did this week. Regroup and believe you are worth it xxx

Need advice:(

geoff — Fri, 30 May 2014 17:19:11 GMT

dear PMD, finally caught up with your post.

When there is another person involved, that is in your case a female, the male gets memorised or put on a high and it also happens the other way around, but what it does is that your husband pushes you into a corner, ignores what you say, or even doesn't give a damn what you say, because he can go running back to this other female for comfort in which he tells her everything, so she will soothe him in whatever way she can.

OK men go to their mates, have a beer and talk, no problem, it's been happening for years, no different to ladies doing the same, and whether they talk about 'whow have you seen Z and look at her ************', but when there is another sex involved this will cause great problems, because your husband will talk to her about everything, and what he talks to you about is nil, so it puts a wedge into the marriage and this does get bigger over time, and if for some reason this female leaves then will go searching for someone else.

The trouble with this is that it's just two people living under the same roof, and if he wants s*x he will pretend to make up and say whatever he thinks you want to hear, but it's a NO WIN situation for you, even though you still love him and want him back, and he may also say that he loves you, then that's rubbish, because he has now chosen another female and she is his first priority now.

Let's take for example if the marriage survives and 5 years down the track and you go out to celebrate someone 50th birthday party where there are 60, 70 or more people there, then guess what he is going to do, go searching for another female he can then contact later on, so he is not trust worthy of having you, so I think you know what I am going to say now, well your right, time to move on.

Sorry but I have to be honest with you. L Geoff. x

Need advice:(

Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher — Sat, 31 May 2014 00:46:20 GMT

Hello Charliebear and Geoff,

thank you both so much for all your support. I have been staring at your posts for awhile. I am in decline now. My husband and I had a huge fight last night ( of course over her). He just doesn't see what he is doing is wrong. You shouldn't blame depression on this situation. I told him if he wants to be with her, then he should go and live with her. He said that I have to move out because we live with his brother and I said no!

I am so over this woman I just want to scream and swear at her. How dare she ruin my marriage and think its funny. He has taken off early this morning, so I'm not chasing him with texts. Xo

Need advice:(

Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher — Mon, 02 Jun 2014 10:09:28 GMT

Evening all,

I feel like we are going backwards and not forwards. Today my husband told me that he wants a break from us, but we can still live under the same roof. That's fine with me, he can sleep on the lounge. I just won't do his washing or ironing, pack his work or lunch bag, drop off or pick up his dry cleaning, cook his meals, wait up for him and do his food shopping for him, fuss over him, call, text or speak to him.

lets see how long this lasts for

Sad PMD

Need advice:(

Charliebear — Wed, 04 Jun 2014 12:18:04 GMT

Hi there,

sorry haven't been here for a while. Been trying to get my head around stuff too. There is not much more we can do to save our marriages. We have tried. Depression is an awful thing to have and try to overcome however some behaviours are still unacceptable. Everyone deserves to be happy including us. I am setting a date and if there is no improvement in our relationship or some commitment to work on it then enough is enough. I want to feel loved and supported etc. Everything I give to him would be nice to have in return and if not then I'm not going to put myself through this torture anymore and I don't think you should either. We have tried and we were committed to our marriage but there is only so much we can take before we break. Sorry.

Charliebear xxx

Need advice:(

Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher — Thu, 05 Jun 2014 01:32:52 GMT

My dear Charliebear,

i just wish all this pain would go away for both of us. My husband is moving in with her and I'm staying. Makes me so sick that he thinks he is doing the right thing. He blames me for everything, but that's not new. I am so angry and hurt they I can't even talk to him.

i just wish this the could see what he is doing is so wrong and nasty. He isn't thinking straight at all, and she isn't helping the situation at all. And yet I still go to work 5 days a week and throw 62 dementia people into bed plus look after them. I walked around like a zombie yesterday and today is the same.

so very very hurt:(:( xo

Need advice:(

MrsCam — Thu, 05 Jun 2014 03:59:10 GMT

sorry if this is harsh but how can your husband blame his decision to move in with another woman on you?? and how can this be the result of his depression??

I have been reading a few posts by yourself PMD and by Charliebear over the past few weeks and it seems to me that both of you are going above and beyond in your support for your husbands, but they can not use this illness as an excuse to treat you like crap... sorry again if Ive overstepped but as one who struggles with this illness everyday and who tries so hard to not make it my partners problem I get really angry when I read about people who seem to be using it as an excuse for crappy behaviour...

maybe its time to focus on yourself instead of always putting your husmbands feelings in front of your own...good luck to you...

Need advice:(

Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher — Sat, 07 Jun 2014 03:23:48 GMT

Hello MrsCam,

Thank you so much for your support. Thursday and yesterday was a really tough day for me. Last night I sent my husband to the meditation centre and said that he isn't coming home until Monday. I couldn't take is behaviours anymore. I told him to decide who he wants to be with, me or her. I also told him that if he wants her, he can move in with her(even though she has 3 children from a previous marriage). If he wants that I say goodluck!

i told him that I don't deserve this crap that he goes on with. I'm still so angry and hurt. I don't know if I can trust him again. The sad thing is that he has lost his family because of this. And he still claims they he hasn't slept with her.

PMD

Need advice:(

white knight — Sat, 07 Jun 2014 06:01:45 GMT

Hi PMD

you said "I dont know if I can trust him again" and "He still claims he hasnt slept with her".

Ultimately its your call. But I know in my heart and my wifes heart we would never trust again if this happened to either of us.

Suffering a loss like this is so hard, so hurtful and so traumatic. But once the move has been made and you are settled in your own place away from that life - you will sigh with relief and go through the motions of rebuilding your life. It sounds so daunting but it will in the end give you a feeling of cleansing, a feeling of honour that you can hold you head up high.

You might not trust again for a while but there are good men out there that wouldnt dream of doing what he has done.

Its your call. Be strong whatever you decide. But take care of yourself.

Need advice:(

MrsCam — Sat, 07 Jun 2014 10:27:11 GMT

whether he has slept with her or not he has still violated the trust in your marriage by having this whatever kind of relationship it is with her... infidelity is not only physical...

take care of yourself