topic Re: My angel is gone in Grief and loss

My angel is gone

Clues_Of_Blue — Fri, 08 Jul 2022 11:22:07 GMT

Those of you who know me know that my two little birds and my partner are my world. My partner had a heart and lung transplant two years ago. His body is now rejecting those lungs and they have thrown every treatment at it they can, to no avail. His health is in steady decline, the lungs severely damaged. In all likelihood he will need another transplant. There is no guarantee of finding a suitable donor in time. We don't know how this will play out, how long he has left. That is cause enough for grief.

Throughout the many hospital stays this year, there have been a few scares and vet trips for our first-born little bird, Sir Pecks (not his real name). It took so long for them to even identify why he was unwell. His liver had become very enlarged and was causing him great discomfort. He was so sleepy all the time, was frantic about eating, he barely sang or preened any more. He was struggling to breathe. Our sweet, happy little bird, our child, who loved to sing at the top of his lungs right in our ears, who loved to play and bathe and pinch bits of our breakfast, is now gone. We feel so empty and lost and heartbroken to be without him. That in no way diminishes our love for his brother, of course, but our grief is so huge. It's hard to face each day, knowing he won't be there, screaming at us for attention and getting into everything. I miss him so much, and I am scared for my partner. I feel like my family is crumbling and I have no power to do anything about it. How do you live with grief like this?

Re: My angel is gone

romantic_thi3f — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 00:56:30 GMT

Hi BluesClues1,

I am so sorry to hear about your grief and my heart absolutely breaks for you.

The pain can be unbearable and I'm glad that you have the support of Beyond Blue around you to hopefully feel a little less alone.

I'm going to keep my eye out on this thread because I'm not sure that I really have anything helpful to say. From my own experience, sometimes it is a day by day or minute by minute. Over time, the pain becomes easier to hold.

Do you have ways to take care of yourself during this time? Or kind things you can do while you are hurting so much?

Re: My angel is gone

Clues_Of_Blue — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 08:45:42 GMT

Thanks, RT. Maybe you don't have advice, but your words are comforting, just knowing someone is listening I guess. It is certainly unbearable pain. I'm cycling between that and dissociating from my surroundings, it's surreal and disturbing. Taking it very much minute by minute at this stage, it's so fresh.

Admittedly I'm struggling a bit with self care at the moment. It's hard to want to do anything, other than be with Mr Feisty (not his real name), our remaining little bird. Holding onto that more than anything. As far as kind things go, it's just being with him, and my partner. Sir Pecks was so in-your-face and demanding, now there's this gulf where he isn't insisting on treats and baths and attention. Mr Feisty is so independent, he doesn't want that sort of attention at all, and he doesn't deserve to be treated like a surrogate for his brother instead of the perfect little bird that he is, but now I don't know where to put all this attention and love. I feel like a shell of a person without both my babies.

Blue.

Re: My angel is gone

Hanna3 — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 08:54:51 GMT

Hi Blue,

Gee I just came across this by chance as I was trying to find my way around the new forums. I'm so sorry you're having all this grief, your pet bird on top of your hubby being so sick... I once had a little pet budgie who was my dearest companion - he got sick and died and I buried him in the garden, in a lovely spot with a flowering plant above him - but I've never forgotten that little bird, and that was many years ago. It's wonderful how a small creature like that can mean so much to us, and make such a difference in our lives. I know I gave him the best life I could - he used to fly free inside, not stay in the cage - and I'm sure you have looked after your bird with care, love, food... I think grief and love are intertwined, we can't have love without making ourselves vulnerable to grief - it's the price we pay. I do feel for you, and remember grief does ease over time, but at the moment I understand it's awful for you.

I don't know if this helps at all, but I do understand. 💕

Re: My angel is gone

Eagle Ray — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 09:54:47 GMT

Dear BlueClues1

I’m so sorry you are going through this grief and the worrying place you are in in relation to your partner. I feel all I can do is offer love and support over this forum.

It’s very understandable you are dissociating at times as a way of coping with what would feel overwhelming. I wonder if it would help to find small things to focus or meditate on, such as a garden if you have one, or a candle or soft music. Perhaps things you can share with your partner that are calming and restful for him too. And you have Mr Feisty of course as you say.

Take care and sending you warm wishes 🙏💕

Re: My angel is gone

white knight — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 11:31:33 GMT

Hi again

What a beautiful person you are, my wish is that you tell yourself that many times a day.

A harsh fact is, we have little control over life events like the one your partner is and has been facing. So is there any possible comfort ahead?

My philosophy is' we are on this earth to give love and help others. By caring for your bird you have given him the best life possible. The same for your partner. Hang onto that thought.

THE PROBLEM FLOWER

Just when you think all is well

You pick a daisy flower

Pick a petal for each of your woes

And count them by the hour

And when the daisy becomes a stem

Just like a city tower

You think you have so many problems

But not as many as that flower.....

That's an old poem of mine. OT was my way of coping by turning negative to positive and your greatest supporter of that move is you. 🙂

TonyWK

Re: My angel is gone

Clues_Of_Blue — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 12:41:17 GMT

Hi Hanna,

Of course you haven't forgotten your little budgie. I think most people don't know just how beautiful the companionship of a bird can be. I love all animals, but there is something extra special about birds. We decided to have Sir Pecks cremated, to spread his ashes in the forest where he will be free, and we won't feel tied to this house and grieve anew if we have to move. Our birds are so central to our lives, they have made every difference. It is not an exaggeration to say Sir Pecks was all I lived for in the darkest time of my life, before I met my partner and before Mr Feisty came to me by surprise one day. Both birds were rescues my ex brought home, I raised them each from about a week old. I watched them grow and learn to run and fly and bathe, I watched their plumage change from baby to adult, and their dear stubby little tails grow long and beautiful. Sir Pecks was my constant companion for just shy of ten years, and my partner has been his dad for seven of those. You're right that being vulnerable to grief is the price we pay for love. I don't for a second regret opening myself up to Sir Pecks, he was perfect and such a huge source of joy. Still is, I don't like to think of him in the past tense. Like your budgie, our birds spend much of their time out of their cages - they love to fly around the house or explore on the floor. It's hard to see this grief easing, but connecting with memories of him being well and happy helps. Thank you for listening.

Blue.

Re: My angel is gone

Clues_Of_Blue — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 12:57:25 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray,

Thank you for your kind words, there is a lot to be said for the value of love and support.

You're right about the nature of dissociating, the mind protects us with these sorts of things. We do have a garden, and I have been out there a bit lately, digging up worms for Mr Feisty. He loves them. Funny you should mention candles, too - during one of my partner's earlier stays in hospital this year, before this period of renewed horror, I established a bit of a ritual of lighting a candle and reading a particular book in bed. My partner is involved in both of these activities (when he isn't in hospital). Music is a huge thing for us too - and for Mr Feisty, who will sing along softly. His song is special, he has always been a shy singer, unlike Sir Pecks who would sing out loud and proud, and often. We are encouraging him to sing, it is good for all of us.

Kind thoughts to you,

Blue.

Re: My angel is gone

Clues_Of_Blue — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 13:17:57 GMT

Hey Tony,

Thank you. I can't say I feel very beautiful or tell myself that at all. My partner is in full agreement with you, however.

You're not wrong that we have little control over any of this sort of stuff. Comfort is a slippery thing, sometimes I can see the positives, the good I have been able to give my sweet birds and my partner. Other times I just feel defeated and useless and in so much pain. As far as Sir Pecks goes, I can look my grief in the face and know it for the pure thing it is, born of love for our baby. It's the one time in my life I haven't fought against my tears or looked down upon them. Sir Pecks' life has meaning - it hurts because he matters, his presence matters and his absence matters. The hurt is proportionate to how deeply I love and value and miss him.

I'm glad writing poetry has been helpful to you in managing difficult times. Admittedly my negative to positive journey inevitably comes with sinking real hard, hitting the bottom and coming back up, I've never succeeded any other way. Not the stuff of inspiring poetry, more into Poe territory, but it's how my mind works, and it serves. Just trying to regulate the speed of my sinking this time, to something I can deal with.

Blue.

Re: My angel is gone

ecomama — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 13:45:41 GMT

My precious friend, to know such grief is cruel. I'm so sad to hear of of Sir Pecks passing, our beautiful boy, that I can barely see the computer screen. Compounded by LMs deteriorating health, I'm asking why!? How!? It's not fair!

I know, they're all the things you've felt and thought but so much more.

I cannot believe the news about LM, it's so shocking, I'm so deeply sorry.

I can't hold your hand IRL or visit and bring soup or make tea for us, I wish I could.
Please hold your own hand and know people love and appreciate you as I do 100%.

How do you live with grief like this? minute by minute and when that's too hard, second by second.
When you feel your soul crushed, breathe a big breath.
When you feel all bent over with the weight of it all, stretch your head back and look to the blue sky.

Know your beautiful boy loved you and you know love.

I'm grateful you have the capacity to love this deeply, although it comes with the pain of feeling unimaginable loss and grief. The two are inextricably entwined. Yet we wouldn't have wanted life without that love and this can't be taken away.

Rest in peace dear Sir Pecks,

Love EM

Re: My angel is gone

geoff — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 15:00:17 GMT

Hello BlueClues, so much has happenerd in such a short time, but the loss of your lovely pet will affect you much more than people you know, because you love them from 'head to toe', feed them, talk with them and be with them in all times of happiness as well as sorrow.

I join you and the others in trying to cope with the loss of a pet and it's truely a most difficult experience you have to go through, my utmost apologies and sincere condolences, I'm just so sorry.

Geoff.

Re: My angel is gone

Clues_Of_Blue — Sun, 10 Jul 2022 09:11:40 GMT

Hey EM,

It's beyond cruel. Cynic that I am, though, I guess I wouldn't have believed that the good and the love I have experienced with LM and our birds was real without life making something cruel of it. So I'm not asking why or how. I already know. Can't say it makes it any easier.

You said: "I can't hold your hand IRL or visit and bring soup or make tea for us, I wish I could." Perhaps not, but that those thoughts are in your mind, the tangibility of your intent, that has real meaning.

Yeah, minute by minute, second by second. What more can we do? I think I want to use this thread not just to express grief, but to remember our baby, all those perfect, beautiful moments.

As I think I said above, at least this pain is pure. I won't look away from it, it comes from loving our angel with everything in us. The old saying, "better to have loved and lost than never having loved at all" springs to mind. We don't invite loss, but at least we have something worth having before it is gone. Before Sir Pecks, my life was hollow, there was no real love in it. Then I had Mr Feisty and LM, more abundant love than I thought I would ever experience in my lifetime. That matters and no, it can't be taken away.

Blue.

Re: My angel is gone

Clues_Of_Blue — Sun, 10 Jul 2022 09:27:45 GMT

Thank you, Geoff. You clearly understand the depth of my bond with Sir Pecks. That's just it, I did love him and feed him and talk with him, I was with him through everything. He was always on my shoulder or my partner's, he would sing and play and demand food and baths and get up to so much adorable mischief. He and Mr Feisty are our world. We miss him so much. Thanks for being here, and listening.

Blue.

Re: My angel is gone

romantic_thi3f — Mon, 11 Jul 2022 00:19:53 GMT

Hi Blue,

Thank you, I really appreciate that.

Can I make a recommendation? I think it's so important to do self-care even if it's not something you are motivated or inspired to do. Even something like a checklist, just so you are remembering to be kind to yourself.

I remember doing exactly the same. It was like I had all this love and attention to give, but nowhere for it to go.

One of the things I did was write a letter which feels so odd now that I think about it, but it felt easier than talking to this blank space. Just being able to write all the big and little things that I missed, and how I felt- because I was sad, but I felt frustrated too that I had to live with all this pain.

The candle and music sounds like a wonderful ritual.

Re: My angel is gone

Clues_Of_Blue — Tue, 12 Jul 2022 12:41:26 GMT

Hey RT,

Thanks for the encouragement re self care. I'm doing my best, albeit some days more successfully than others. Sometimes I keep a list, sometimes I forget. Things like the candle have been in place since before our stress spiralled this badly, but there is something to be said for forming a habit - it's not immediately forgotten when the mind is full, it has become fairly automatic. I've also been engaging with some art, not a lot since losing Sir Pecks, but at least watching some tutorials and playing with a new digital art programme. My profile picture is my own work.

Interesting about writing that letter. It doesn't sound odd, it sounds healing. Granted I have my partner (you may have seen EM call him "LM" - it's become his nickname on here, standing for "Lovely Man") and Mr Feisty to love, but there remains a huge gulf that Sir Pecks filled. I haven't written him a letter, but I talk to him often, just as I have always done. If ever a little bird new he was loved and wanted and missed, it is Sir Pecks.

Kind thoughts to you,

Blue.

Re: My angel is gone

Clues_Of_Blue — Tue, 19 Jul 2022 10:13:16 GMT

LM is now home from his latest stay in hospital. Things still aren't looking amazing, but we have a small space to breathe, and with it comes room to grieve our sweet little bird. We have so far been denied much opportunity to sit with these feelings, with his health in such bad shape, and with all the practical things that must be addressed immediately, the adrenaline that keeps us moving and pushes all other concerns away for the sake of his survival.

I'm writing here now largely because I have aphantasia - an inability to visualise things I think of or imagine. That has been a curiosity to me for the most part, a moderate hindrance in some ways and a boon in others. Right now I am cursing it, because I can't picture Sir Pecks when I think of him. I hate that so much, and it hurts. Of course I have photos, and a video or two. Nevertheless I deeply resent not being able to conjure a picture of him in my mind as I think of him at night, or seek the comfort of his memory during a day at work (if I can work again around being a carer, I guess). I miss him so much, I want to be able to picture his sweet face.

Re: My angel is gone

Clues_Of_Blue — Fri, 05 Aug 2022 10:50:31 GMT

Everything is making me think of Sir Pecks. The spring onion on my dinner reminding me of how he'd seem to be asleep, then suddenly burst into action and grab a piece and fly away with it. Washing my hands, expecting him to leap in for a bath. A seed left on my plate from my sandwich - my first thought is to feed it to him, he loves seeds. A squeaky door reminding me of a note in one of his songs, I can hear in my mind the rest of his song, sung with such happiness and enthusiasm. It feels so wrong that he isn't on my shoulder, or trying to zoom off with bits of bread that match his weight, or singing or sunning himself on my lap where he felt warm.

I am grateful for Mr Feisty, he has been a beautiful comfort and he is perfect. Problem is I have two birds' worth of love and one introverted bird who doesn't like that much attention, I know it is hard for him, too. I love him exactly as he is and I don't expect him to fill his brother's role, he has his own unique place that no-one else could fill. Sir Pecks is irreplaceable, there is a huge hole in our family where he was, and I feel lost and incomplete without all of us together.

Re: My angel is gone

Croix — Sat, 06 Aug 2022 13:21:53 GMT

Dear Blue~

There is no pretending it is easy, or that things will quickly fade. The deeper embedded in one's soul the larger the hole is left. It's as if all the things we loved about a relationship are turned against us and become objects of pain.

I remeber similar things, worrying when out I'd left the gate open and that Zeppelin Dog could get out -after she had passed away, or filing her water bowl, or grumping at a cushion on the floor. Missing the furry missile that used to great me coming home.

Do be certain it does get less, speaking for myself most memories eventually become of good times and there is no regret, but only most.

I'm lucky I guess in that we go to the pound when the house gets too empty and rescue another cat or dog. For some reason they all seem to end up with strong personalities, either that comes naturally to them or we unconsciously encourage it. Either way they too worm their way into our hearts.

The relationship with Sir Pecks does not stop because he has passed away.

Croix

Re: My angel is gone

Clues_Of_Blue — Sat, 06 Aug 2022 14:36:47 GMT

Hey Croix,

Those first two paragraphs you wrote mirror my thoughts pretty well, in many ways. Sir Pecks could not have been more deeply in our souls. I keep thinking there are a lot of things about life that are a lot easier without Sir Pecks - but they are not better. Give me the mess and the chaos and his noisy demands any day.

I mostly remember good, and there are happy tears too. The pain is not about regret so much as simply missing our baby. Who wouldn't want more years with such an amazing, beautiful companion?

I see what you mean about bringing home rescue animals. I suspect any hardship they endured as rescues may have contributed to some unique personalities, not unlike how it works with humans. I don't doubt you just love them as they are and nurture them as simply being them.

No, that relationship will always be there. Sir Pecks will always be our little angel, one does not stop being a parent when their child is gone.

Kind thoughts to you & various furry companions,

Blue.

Re: My angel is gone

ecomama — Sat, 06 Aug 2022 14:50:26 GMT

Dear Blue, many hugs and a shoulder to cry on.

It's so painful. I can feel it in your words. The dullness of the home without him playing up in his very cheeky ways. It's like you can still feel his spirit whirling around you.

I was wondering if sounds or smells remind you of him and you wrote about just that.

I'm like Croix, just keep filling the void with the busy-ness of more rescue animals.
But we can't replace those special creatures who filled our lives with so much happiness and cuteness and made our hearts over flow with love.

A child asked to see my Darling Girl chicken and I found a video of her... then just started to cry!
I was at work on my lunch break and I should NOT be crying to a client's child! The darling child had been telling me a story about his uncle who saved some beautiful dogs who were abandoned. He didn't know what to do when I started crying, he patted my back lol. He had tears in his eyes too.

All we can do for you is sit with you in your grief for your beautiful boy.
Hold your hand and walk this path together.

Love you Blue
EMxxxx