topic Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS in Grief and loss

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Doolhof — Sat, 21 Aug 2021 22:07:51 GMT

Hello Everyone,

I would like to open up a discussion about grief and loss, how it affects you, how you cope with it, and what you have found helpful.

You may have a poem you find comforting you might like to share with us all, a book that has been especially beneficial, advice from people, wisdom you have learnt through your own experience perhaps.

Maybe you need a place to share your grief and loss experience.

My sense of grief has been heightened recently with the anniversary of a child's death and the upcoming 1st anniversary of a family member's death.

I have found sharing on this forum has helped me immensely, as people here understand have compassion and empathy.

Long walks, writing down how I am feeling, connecting with people, gardening, reading books when the thoughts are too sad to take and other times accepting the memories has helped.

Please feel free to use this space to share your thoughts if you are comfortable to do so.

Sending you all kind thoughts as you deal with thoughts about your grief and loss.

Regards form Dools

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Doolhof — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 21:53:45 GMT

In a pamphlet I recently picked up I read these words:

Grief is like a journey to an unknown destination that you cannot control or plan.

I believe that generally we have very little control over the actual situation that does cause us grief and I for one certainly do not plan to be in circumstances that cause grief.

If you Google the Grieving Process you will see there are debates concerning if there are 5, 7, 10 and even 12 stages to grieving. It helps to realise that grief does have stages and we can work through them.

I don't know if we are ever able to alleviate grief altogether, do we have to?

Everyone grieves in their own way in their own time. It can be comforting to understand there are stages to grief and other people experience similar to you.

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Doolhof — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 22:00:43 GMT

Suggestions that may help with grief and grieving

- ask people for help, let them know you need some support right now

- let people know you are hurting, you don't know what to say, you just want someone to be there with you

-write down what you are feeling, create a journal for memories

-create some kind of memorial for the person or the event

-light a candle, play some soothing music (that may be heavy metal if that is what you are into)

-go for a walk

-if you are able, read up on the grieving process to know what you are experiencing happens to many people

- try to find gentle ways to look after yourself amongst the pain, hurt and confusion

- you may find some quotes, poems or songs to be comforting.

Please feel welcome to add your own suggestions here, we never know who are words are helping.

If you want to share what has not helped you in times of grief, you are welcome to do that here also.

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Doolhof — Mon, 23 Aug 2021 12:35:54 GMT

Feelings of grief and loss can occur for many different reason, not just the death or a person or say a loved pet.

Grief can happen due to:

- an illness that greatly changes our lives

- having to move house and our usual community

-relationship breakdowns

-loosing something that is precious to us

- missing out on a job prospect or maybe a promotion

- unmet hopes and dreams

- any kind of deprivation causing us a sense of loss

- not receiving the grades we desire at school or in tests

- the loss of situations that make us feel safe and secure

- having empathy for other people's pain and world troubles

I am sure there are many different experiences that can cause us grief and a sense of loss.

If you would like to share your thoughts here you are welcome to join in.

Regards from Dools

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Ezzi — Mon, 23 Aug 2021 13:24:00 GMT

Hello Mrs Dools. I wish you all the best with this new thread about GRIEF AND LOSS. It comes in many different forms and all people react in different ways. No two people are alike when it comes grief especially the loss of a child, stillborn or otherwise, the pain is so intense at certain times of the year. One NEVER FORGETS THEIR LOSS regardless of what others say or think otherwise. Its Your private pain. I read on some of your other posts that you have a strong faith in God. Hang onto that Mrs Dools. That's what's going to make you even stronger. I know you are a very strong woman. I can write a book on this topic and much to say .. am very limited of much I'm allowed to write so I wish you well. regards ezzi

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Doolhof — Mon, 23 Aug 2021 21:36:40 GMT

Dear Ezzi,

Thank you so much for sharing. I can feel the pain in your words as you have shared here.

Please know, you are welcome to share your thoughts and feelings of your own experiences if you feel comfortable enough to do so.

Yes, the pain can be intense certain times of the year, to me that means we are human, we have hearts that have been broken. It does not mean we are broken!

Everyone deals with grief and loss differently, be it the death of a loved one, the breakdown of a marriage, the loss of a home due to fire or floods, or anything else that causes us to feel sorrow and pain.

Yes, I do have faith in God. That helps me immensely. It helps me realise just how human I am.

My thoughts are with you Ezzi. I hope you feel safe here on the forums!

Kind regards and empathy from Mrs. Dools

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Doolhof — Mon, 23 Aug 2021 21:45:32 GMT

I'd like to share this poem with you all from Helen Steiner Rice.

It does contain the word GOD, for those of you who may be offended by this word, swap it for something else.

This is just a Resting Place

Sometimes the road of life seems long as we travel through the years

And, with a heart that's broken and eyes brimful of tears,

We falter in our weariness and sink beside the way,

But God leans down and whispers, "Child, there'll be another day"

And the road will grow much smoother and much easier to face,

So do not be disheartened-this is just a resting place.

I believe we can always have hope, there may be many days when we are disheartened, I hope we all have the ability to accept the sense of grief and loss and to move on. Forgetting is not always an option.

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Ggrand — Tue, 24 Aug 2021 00:49:12 GMT

Hello Dear Dools, Ezzi and everyone else...🤗..

Dools, I don’t think that grief ever leaves us completely..I mean how can it...loosing a loved one, is like loosing a part of our heart..

I think, when we first loose our loved one/s permanently to death, our grief and heart ache is beyond compare to anything else..we hurt so much, for weeks, months even years...for the one we have lost...We crave for them to be with us again,,,but no amount of praying, wishing or hoping they will come back.....will bring them back....it unfortunately just doesn’t work...so we start learning to live without them, with a piece of our heart and soul missing....eventually the grief lessons, then goes into a place somewhere in our mind....

It could be years after, and we have gone on with living without them, thinking about them maybe each day, or week, or months..,without the strong grief we felt when they passed....We could think of them with a smile on our face if the remembrance is of a fun time had together...

Then we could sight something, or smell something, hear a song, or hear spoken words as we go about our everyday life..that unfortunately will take us back to a time before our loved one passed...then our grief that has been hiding for so long deep in our mind..springs to the surface...then we remember and our grief starts all over again...not as intense as we experienced when we first lost them... it still hurts us, it still consumes us, for days...We can’t help grieving for our loved ones...they always are with us..inside our soul, inside our heart...forever...Our tears are the love we had and still have for them...our love for them, will never leave us....neither will our tears ever leave us, or our grief never leave us...Our tears are, in a way...the only way that we can releases all that built up love we have for them...

Just my thoughts dear Dools, Ezzi and everyone...

Love never dies...it’s eternal...💚..

Kind thoughts everyone, with my care, love and hugs..🦋💜🤗..

Grandy...

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Doolhof — Tue, 24 Aug 2021 07:57:11 GMT

Hi Grandy,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. We all cope with and deal with grief differently.

You are so right about the occurrences that can bring on feelings of grief and remembering loved ones.

I like that the same can happen to remind us of happy memories and special moments.

My Mum recently made a type of cake I have not eaten since childhood. The smell of the cake brought back memories of the old kitchen, always having something to eat after school and feeling excited to have one of my favourite cakes that day.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts here. Regards from Dools

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Moonstruck — Sat, 05 Mar 2022 05:50:57 GMT

A while since you wrote it but just saw your post here. There must be something wrong with me. my partner died mid 2020..he was the only man who treasured me enough to tell and show my worth to him often.

I have had men leave me or not love me enough...I was always "Not good enough". Until this man. He would never have left me in that sense. He died.

I have not been "happy" or felt safe since. Nothing really "touches" me deep inside any more..i am always empty and cannot fill the space.

My age means my body is beginning to let me down and cannot enjoy all my former activities to fill the void.

I would never have retired from my casual job if I had known he would die and leave me alone and without reason to carry on.

My friends don't know how bad I feel. I would not know how to tell them and have them feel uncomfortable.

Others seem to handle grief.better than I can. I feel inadequate and a failure not to be coping more and enjoying life. How long does this last? I don't see my life getting any better than this...

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Guest_1643 — Sat, 05 Mar 2022 13:12:45 GMT

Hi all

Hi moonstruck

I feel the same, that others have better coping abilities

They transcend grief and loss better...

I will never forget shading a huge loss in my life wirh my former gp who said "well, it's not like anyone died...at least no one died...it's not that bad."

I had lost meaning, purpose and hope and she thought it was nothing

I think we are told to toughen up, but that is not the real issue

It's just that some wounds leave scars, and they don't heal easily, wether Ur tough or not

I would love to know what helps ppl move on from grief

It feels like a bottomless pit

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Moonstruck — Mon, 07 Mar 2022 23:30:23 GMT

Thank you Guest 1643, for replying to me. It's important to me because I don't want to waste however many years I have left. I am asking if anyone on Forum dealing with grief of a partner, husband or wife....has found a way to breach the subject with their friends. Good friends whom they trust and know well for a long time....because I haven't!

I haven't a clue what to say or open the conversation, I need them to. No one mentions his name, or asks if I am OK now, or have I recovered, or tell me I look as if I am coping well, or enquire why I don't seem to go out as much as usual...laugh like I used to...

I might be feeling overwhelming loneliness and lack of hope for my future older years...

.Well, if you are a friend to someone who maybe swallowed up in grief....why don't you just ask them?

On Are U OK? day this year , if someone asks me, I hope they are prepared to hear my answer, and that they plenty of time put aside to listen!!!

Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Sophie_M — Tue, 08 Mar 2022 01:14:50 GMT

Hey Moonstruck,

Thank you for reaching out on the forums today. We’re really sorry to hear you’re going through it right now and having difficulty talking to friends in your life offline. That’s really, really hard, and we can imagine it would feel really distressing being encouraged to reach out, but not feeling like the people around you are really listening or asking you about how things are.

We’re listening. We're reaching out to you privately, but you can also reach the Beyond Blue counsellors directly on 1300 22 4636. We’d also really recommend reaching out to Griefline on 1300 845 745 (available 6am-12am AEDT). They also have a “Care-to-call” service for anyone feeling alone with grief, through which you can register for a regular call for emotional support.

Thank you again for your important contribution to this space, we really appreciate your dedication and your kindness in sharing here.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Astrid-nought — Wed, 03 Aug 2022 18:37:49 GMT

Hello. I just found this forum cos I can’t sleep. It’s nearly my mum’s birthday and then the day she died shortly after. It has almost been six years and I am still a mess. I think the associated childhood trauma I experienced because she didn’t protect me is a whole other hurdle to get over now. I loved her dearly. I want this pain to go away. I don’t look forward to the next two months. I am doing therapy, trauma counselling and trying to unravel the mess of my brain that was created by my childhood. I only felt able to properly confront it once she was gone and not around to guilt trip me into keeping quiet anymore. The guilt she had for not protecting us was overwhelming for her and she would turn it back on us so we were never able to talk about it. Or she would get upset and I would have to console her. Believe me this was rare I knew from a young age to take what I got and taught that I deserved it even though I was a terrified, anxious child. She saw me have a panic attack one day and said she had raised me ‘too soft’. I thought I was literally dying and deep down she knows we were raised too tough and abusively. Violently, poor, cold, ridiculed. She was in so much denial. Ok I’ll be quiet. Sorry I need to post this to get my thoughts out. Appreciate it. The journal does no good right now because I feel so alone. Sorry for rambling. Did anyone else find grief from complicated toxic relationships feels worse hard to overcome because I wrestle with being angry with her and still adoring her despite her faults. ? I know it’s all hard to overcome I’m not saying it is harder for me than others. It just feels like I am unravelling a nightmare in therapy.

Dear Astrid-nought, Thank you for allowing us to join yo...

Sophie_M — Wed, 03 Aug 2022 19:53:43 GMT

Dear Astrid-nought,

Thank you for allowing us to join your world. We are quite a supportive community, and your courage and strength in reaching out to us for support is wonderful.

We understand that whilst your mum was alive, she was quite strict, controlling, and abusive. After she died, you went into therapy, and it has felt as though you have been unravelling a nightmare.

We are glad to see that you are under the care of a mental health support team. We will do our best to support you as you work through the difficult and complex unravelling process.

Whenever you feel stuck between your therapy sessions, please feel free to call our support staff on 1300 22 4636, or Lifeline on 13 1114. Both services are 24 hours per day, every day of the year.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.

Re: Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

ecomama — Wed, 03 Aug 2022 21:43:17 GMT

Dear Astrid-nought, WELCOME to the forums. This is a WARM welcome and you never have to keep quiet here!

Thankyou for joining, this is the RIGHT PLACE for you. As you open up and talk about whatever is effecting you, you will find a new family here full of love and support.

You are not alone any more. You have US.

You wrote "Did anyone else find grief from complicated toxic relationships feels worse hard to overcome because I wrestle with being angry with her and still adoring her despite her faults?"

Yes.
150%.

We can talk more about this over time.

Journaling can only take you THIS far.
Now you've found a place where others really understand because they've gone through such similar events and had or still have such conflicting emotions over our primary carers' hurtful words, actions and INactions.

Hopefully over time in therapy, you will learn how to put these memories into a "filling cabinet" in your mind.
Over time these memories WILL lose their emotional intensity.
Your intrusive thoughts WILL diminish and only be on your mind WHEN you call upon them.

Your healing journey has begun. Yes it's complicated but sweet girl YOU HAVE SO GOT THIS!

We're here for you. HUGS and extra hugs whenever you need them.

I would love it if you could begin your own thread where you can write about ANY THING going on for you past, present or dreams for your future.

Love EM

Re: Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

vitality — Sun, 07 Aug 2022 01:00:54 GMT

I find it sad in my family it's hard for me to concentrate on my grief & loss of recent loved ones, due to issues purely of power & control, narcissism & bullying which I believe results from their insecurity, low self worth, low self esteem. I mainly feel sad for my family (Mother & adult siblings with these issues) & keep my boundaries & find things I'm thankful for. Can others please share if you've had these issues & what you found helped you..thank you in advance..

Re: Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

vitality — Mon, 08 Aug 2022 01:44:13 GMT

Oops I think I should've started my own new discussion maybe? New to the forum..

Anyway found my solution last night which was the answer to my issue= scapegoat.

While very difficult realising this is the issue...it's SO helpful to understand the problem more & solutions I'd used before what's recommended...so I'll continue my self care. Would love other's who have this issue to comment, tell me what worked for them etc..Thank you x vitality.

Re: Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

vitality — Mon, 08 Aug 2022 01:56:13 GMT

I would love the page no's at the bottom of the forum pages to be also at the top of the page...is this possible please? Can someone more tech savvy than me help to try & have this happen please?? Thanks..

Re: Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

jenijenjen — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 07:27:18 GMT

I lost my favourite Aunt recently and I lost my Father 5 years ago. Right now what I am going through is I feel my Aunts passing is really unfair, I guess it's the anger part of grief. I find if I just allow myself to go through it and feel all those horrible feelings, I will come out the other side, a little changed as it does leave a hole in my life, but able to cope better