topic My Father passed away, feeling so lost.. in Grief and loss

My Father passed away, feeling so lost..

harrison.c — Mon, 12 Aug 2019 13:35:56 GMT

I posted a couple days ago about the slim chances of my father surviving a battle with cancer and liver problems, unfortunately we lost him yesterday morning.. and it's the most painful thing i've ever felt in my life I feel so completely lost and distraught without him.. he did everything for me and my mother and brother and sister, my mother and I especially. I'm 24 still living at home and have terrible social anxiety so he has always done everything for me.. whether it be just going into a shop to get something for me when I cant or coming to doctors appointments and setting them up for me, ontop of that he looked after my mother who has MS. He was everything to us, the most selfless caring beautiful man and now he's just gone.. my memories are all foggy and I keep trying to remember the good things but alot of the time i remember him and his face when he was in his hospital bed. I want to hug him so tightly and apologize for not appreciating him as much as I should have but I cant.. I just want to hear his voice or his laugh.. I don't get how to move on from this, I miss him so so so much. My mother is so hurt too, she's in a nursing home 40 minutes away until we can get her closer and i'm just in the house alone with all dads things and these memories and I just don't know how to cope..
I wrote out a letter and had my aunt read it to him next to me telling him some things i'm glad I got across but his eyes were opening a little and closing all throughout it, i'm not sure whether he heard it because he was so so out of it but god i hope he did.
You really realize how much you take your parents for granted when they're gone 😞

My Father passed away, feeling so lost..

white knight — Mon, 12 Aug 2019 15:59:42 GMT

Hi Harrison, welcome again

Its 2am but I have to answer your post, it reads like a tribute.

everything you said about your dad mirrored mine. I lost him in 1992.

Your dad would have heard your words from your letter. I didnt get that opportunity.

I wrote poetry about dad, it helped but in the short term there is little you can do but go through the grieving process I'm afraid.

Please remember that he would have wanted you to live life as you planned and your kindness to be freely given from him to you to others.

Its good you can write in here and thankyou for letting us know.

STENCILLED FEET

You used to follow

Where ever he went in his footsteps

Through your pride and boyish whim

You always followed him

And at a last report

You wished to follow as your last resort

No wonder he used a broom to sweep

To hide his footstep stencilled feet

But now and then you'll see a print

Where he's been in the misty tint

Sadness follows as your time doesnt meet

But you'll be eager when your feet will greet

Your fathers footstep stencilled feet...

TonyWK

My Father passed away, feeling so lost..

harrison.c — Mon, 12 Aug 2019 16:18:57 GMT

That poem made tear up at the end there, that's beautiful, thank you for the kind words, i'm sorry you didn't get the opportunity to say something to your father, I like to hope they are looking down watching over us.

My Father passed away, feeling so lost..

geoff — Mon, 12 Aug 2019 17:13:45 GMT

Hello Harrison.c, and thanks to Tony for those lovely words.

I'm terribly sorry that you have lost your father because it's a time when we never think would ever happen, but if I can say, yes he would have heard the words your aunt had read out to him.

I say this because my Mum had most of her kids standing around her bed in her last few minutes and we were talking about some older day times, when suddenly Mum opened her eyes, looked around, and then passed away.

I'm sure your dad heard those words and would have cherished them, but it was lovely for you to write them down.

Take care.

Geoff.

My Father passed away, feeling so lost..

harrison.c — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 05:27:41 GMT

Thank you so much for that, it really puts my mind at ease knowing the letter reached him.
I hope one day I get to meet him again and ask him every thing there is to know about him and squeeze him for a good 10 minutes.

It's going to be so hard but in time I think I can move forward for him and make him proud.

My Father passed away, feeling so lost..

white knight — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 11:44:03 GMT

He is already proud.

People say I remind them of my father in my actions. Thats an honour.

In fact actions I take (eg this forum) I see as carrying on his legacy. Your father lives on in you.

You seem much better than when you originally posted. These up and down days will go on for some time. We are here if you have the need/desire.

TonyWK

My Father passed away, feeling so lost..

paddyanne — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 12:00:03 GMT

Dear harrison.c. May I offer my sincerest condolences in your sad loss. My heart also goes out to you. I lost my own adored father in 1976, I still miss him terribly. Never a day goes by that I don't think of things he taught me and his wisdom and knowledge. He was a W.W 2 veteran and suffered severe PTSD as a result. What gets me through some of the darkest times is something he frequently said. There comes a time when we close our eyes for the last time, however we don't die, we just relocate to a place where there's no pain only peace. I know I have inherited his sense of humor. I have inherited his eyes and his incredible thirst for knowledge. I actually hear him in my heart when I'm trying to figure something out. If you can close your eyes for a moment and 'see' him, no doubt he will talk to you. He knows about the letter and when the time comes he will have a place set aside for you and eventually your mother and siblings. I know I'll reunite with my dad when the time comes. In the meantime I have to live and enjoy so I can share with him. You have a memory I was denied. You were with your dad, I wasn't and I've never quite gotten over that. I never got a chance to kiss him goodbye.

My Father passed away, feeling so lost..

harrison.c — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 13:56:14 GMT

I can guarantee you've made your father proud too. Everyone on this forum is so lovely, and I think this will be a big help to my grieving process.

My Father passed away, feeling so lost..

harrison.c — Tue, 13 Aug 2019 14:04:16 GMT

Thank you so much for this response paddyanne, you've given me so much comfort and I think exactly the thing I needed to hear. I have tried to talk to him and I feel as though I can hear him talking back with me.. I thought I was just talking to myself.
I'm so sorry you didn't get a chance to kiss your father goodbye, I know when you reunite with him he will have a spot right next to him for you too with his arms wide open!

My Father passed away, feeling so lost..

white knight — Thu, 15 Aug 2019 05:49:41 GMT

Hi again Harrison,

My father and I spoke about the family unit once. I'd lost my brother to suicide in 1979 at 26yo. I was then 23.

Anyway this conversation occurred when I got married in 1985. He said "when you have kids just remember if your marriafe fails, better to be a - part time dad than no dad at all". He was in fear I'd go the way of my brother as I was depressed.

He passed away in 1992. In 1996 my marriage collapsed. I attpted suicide but stopped as I recall my dads words

-"better to be a part time dad than no dad at all"

was he talking to me? Who knows, it doesnt matter. He words returned and saved me. Tears rolling down my face.

In 2017, my daughter I walked down the aisle at her wedding. Who I thought would be doing this deed today, had I not made it?

Wr love our fathers but that was their time, now its ours. We live on through their spirit, we continue their honour.

OLD PORCH CHAIR

There is an old porch chair where my dad once sat

Smoke in his hand and slippers on a mat

Sorrow now fills my heart and in a way its sad

That I now glance at that chair and still smile at my dad

In the old porch chair where my dad once sat

A smoke in his hand and slippets on a mat...

TonyWK

My Father passed away, feeling so lost..

paddyanne — Thu, 15 Aug 2019 06:12:11 GMT

Hi Tony. Your poem re: the chair your father sat, cigarette in hand brings to mind my own father's favorite chair. It was in the kitchen, we often joked that my dad's name wasn't printed on the chair, but we recognized it as 'his'. The house is now occupied with strangers, it wasn't owned by us, but it'll always be remembered as 'ours'. I can still see my dad reading the newspaper and listening to the kitchen radio, while seated in that chair. I smile through the tears and 'hear' dad singing a Vera Lynn song, 'We'll Meet Again'. I know I will see dad again sitting down in a chair and smoking, singing. This memory always brings a smile

My Father passed away, feeling so lost..

_bethy94 — Tue, 20 Aug 2019 11:50:06 GMT

Hi Harrison,

I'm so sad to hear of your loss. I can only imagine how you're feeling losing someone as dear to you. I'm sure he knew how lucky he was so have such caring family members and people by his side before he passed. Don't get too bogged down in what you could have said to him or done, he definitely would be proud of who you are today. Don't be too hard on yourself.

One coping mechanism grieving people use that I hear works is writing this person a letter from the heart. You can say what you like in it, and read it aloud to him as if he was there next to you. You never know, his spirit could be there listening on.

However if it all gets too much since you seem to have a lot on your plate at the moment, consider consulting a grief counsellor for some extra strategies to cope. They exist to help.

Thoughts are with you. Take care of yourself