topic I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong in Grief and loss

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Tradie_Lady — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 23:09:44 GMT

Hi there

I lost my dog a week ago to sudden illness. He was only 3.5yrs old and he was my everything. He was my first dog that I rescued from a shelter. He provided me with such support and gave me a purpose to keep going. Last year I started IVF and currently 2 rounds have failed and he was there to let me know I was loved and needed.

Having him suddenly take ill and then dying has shocked me to my core. I can't be in my home alone as he is everywhere I look. I feel so guilty that I couldn't save him and miss him so terribly that I feel like the grief will swallow me whole. I don't know how to function or move forward knowing he is not by my side. My boy was everything and now I have lost purpose.

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Aaronsis — Thu, 23 Jan 2020 01:53:18 GMT

Hi Tradie Lady

Firstly welcome, it is so hard to manage to write a post and I wanted to say that it is so great that you have reached out to get some help and support during this time.

Grief is so fierce and comes in waves and effects everyone so very differently that it is really hard to say what the right way to go through this process is, but it is a process and you will get through this time. I am somewhat coming out the other side of grief at the moment so I can empathize with the feelings of pain, of sadness, or totally helplessness and anger that you could not do anything, the unanswered questions. It really is so tough and it totally consumes you.

I didn't lose a pet but my brother who died by suicide just 6 months ago, so the shock and the unpreparedness if that is the word I am looking for, is just so great, you were not ready for this, you didn't have time to get used to the idea that he was sick, it just came and hit you over the back of the head, that is the hard part too.

I am so very sorry for your loss and it is heartbreaking when your key support has now gone, and on top of going through IVF which I can only imagine is an emotional journey also. You have so much on your plate and I am so very sorry that you are going through this pain.

I think sitting with it and allowing yourself to cry and to acknowledge that you are hurting is so very helpful. Take the time you need, do not let anyone tell you how to do this, you will find your way and what works for you is what you should do. I did find writing helpful however, just to purge on some paper and get it all out and to let the emotion and the feelings out, that really was good.

I hope you have someone you can call to chat with or to have a coffee with and sit and just remember your beautiful dog, the role he played in your life and to let these feelings out.

We are here to support you through this time and to chat and to provide you with some comfort Tradie Lady.

My heartfelt condolences to you and I am so very sorry.

Hugs to you

Sarah

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Annie40 — Thu, 23 Jan 2020 12:11:06 GMT

I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my first dog in 2017 to an illness and I wish I could have done more. The guilt was so suffocating. I found it so hard to want to keep living. We had him for 12 years but it doesn’t matter how long you have them they change your life instantly and give so much love. Unfortunately we loss our beautiful boy a year after I loss my daughter when I was 15 weeks pregnant. She was due on the same day as my dogs birthday. 13th January. Each year I struggle around this date. I wish they were both still here. I now have two beautiful dogs who I love so much. I never ended up having a child. I had multiple miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy were I nearly died so my husband said no more. Life is so hard.

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Tradie_Lady — Thu, 23 Jan 2020 22:42:10 GMT

thank you Sarah

I am so sorry for the loss you have also had to endure, that kind of loss also leaves a lot of questions for you no doubt, but from the way that you write I feel you have so much love and compassion and you need to remember and draw on that.

It has been a week today since I lost my boy and people tell me that every day will get easier, but right now it feels like the worst groundhog day with no way out. I know that I loved my boy so much and gave him everything I could, also realising that perhaps I put more into him because we have not been blessed with a real child of our own. Feeling like I failed as a dog parent makes me question my lack of being able to be a real parent and if they are connected.

thank you for reaching out Sarah and saying kind words to a stranger. It means a lot to me.

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Aaronsis — Thu, 23 Jan 2020 23:01:36 GMT

Hi Tradie Lady

I am so glad to chat to you some more, we are here for you and we care so very much.

Thank you so very much for those kind words about my brother, the loss is great but no different really to yours, we all have pain and your dog was very much apart of your family as my brother was mine.

People do say it gets easier with time, in my experience the tears slow down, the pain does soften however I know I am a different version of me and that I wont be the same again, the same might be true for you. With healing you do get put back together again but a different version of who you were before, which is ok, it is just different. They say time heals, I think time just makes it different, we will not ever really be healed.

I can so very much understand that you feel now that you could not save your dog so how can you ever manage to raise and take care of a human....the thing is you most certainly can, that this event has no bearing on your capabilities and I understand that doubt you have as I too have been down that path. I thought "how now do I identify in my own children if they are suicidal if I cannot even see it in my own brother?"...I have learnt so many things in my healing journey and you will too Tradie Lady, this line of thinking is unavoidable but it is also not truth. I can only hear how much love and how very much apart of your family your dog was, how much he was apart of your daily life and what a support he was to your time of struggle with IVF....all I am hearing is a wonderful woman who is one day going to make an outstanding and loving mother.

You are not a stranger to me Tradie Lady, you are apart of this caring and supportive family and we are happy to have you hear and to care for you at this time.

I am thinking that perhaps you could make a nice little tribute to your beautiful dog with either a nice plant or a flower that you have in the garden that you can take care of and visit and love just like you would him. A place to remember and reflect, that sometimes really helps too.

Huge hugs to you and be kind to you, you have alot on your plate and you deserve something that makes you feel good about you, a massage, a picnic with your partner..something that can warm you heart.

Sarah xxx

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Tradie_Lady — Tue, 28 Jan 2020 03:37:35 GMT

Hi Sarah

thank you for taking the time to respond to me and say the kind things that you have. I really do appreciate it. I am really struggling with when it hits me and the grief overwhelms me that I feel like I will burst and then having moments of calm and being able to think of him and remember all the things that made me smile.

I am also really trying to tackle this I guess unconscious notion that if I make it through another day, then the pain won't be as bad? We got out of Sydney for a few days over the long weekend to try and decompress a little, but the grief and then guilt was a nasty new combo. It feels like a really bad dream sometimes and he will come back to me. But I know that he is not and that is when the grief crashes in. It's also making me not want to engage with friends as I get mad that they have all that I want - I dont want to be that person. It all just feels really ugly right now.

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Aaronsis — Tue, 28 Jan 2020 03:49:45 GMT

Hello Tradie Lady and it is great to hear from you again.

Grief as you are learning is a process and as you said, one day or even one moment you feel OKish and the next you are all bent out of shape and ready to explode, I get that and that is what is was like for me too. I think too you are also grieving the baby that you don't have so this makes for a double lot of pain and this is really so very much to have to manage. I am so sorry you are going through this, it really is so hard and so very much.

It is totally "human" to look at our friends and be "jealous" or "envious" of what they have and especially if it comes easily to them and you are doing everything in your power and it is not coming to you. I get it that you don't want to be that jealous or angry or envious person, it does not make you a bad person. It is human nature to want things in life and when we see others getting them and not us it does hurt. Then to add on top of this the pain that you are going through with your dog it really does amplify things for you.

I hope your friends are understanding and are able to support you and your partner through this time, it might even be the case that you need to ask a friend if you can catch up with them alone. You may or may not feel comfortable in explaining why but maybe having a coffee and a chat without their kids around might be better for you.

I am so happy to hear that you got a chance to go away and have some time with some new scenery, that is really great and I hope that you were able to have some peace from this guilt and pain over this time.

As I said before to you, it does change and you wont always feel this bad, you will possibly be a different version of you and that is fine too, but the pain and guilt does soften. There is hope Tradie Lady.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah xx

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Tradie_Lady — Tue, 28 Jan 2020 21:25:34 GMT

Thank you Sarah - your kindness and patience with me is overwhelming and I thank you for taking time to deal with me.

I read what you say and hope that at some point this pain will dull. It caught me off guard this morning walking to the station; thinking of when my boy was in the hosptial and he was brought out to us vor a visit, looking like he was recovering. I even took him for a short walk. I felt hope, I felt OK. To think that was taken from me and this is now my reality is suffocating. He's never coming back to me and nothing makes sense.

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Aaronsis — Tue, 28 Jan 2020 21:59:06 GMT

Good morning sweet lady and it is my pleasure to be here to talk to you at this horrendous time in your life.

Isn't that the hardest part when it does just come up out of nowhere and give you something that you didn't expect? It is hard and there is no time line to this and that is also another hard thing to digest, it is just day by day and taking each memory and each thought and sitting with it and then letting it move on. I sometimes think that these little moments help in preparing us for other challenges in life, not necessarily grief and help in our building of resilience. I used to remind myself of that sometimes and almost talk myself through wondering how and who I am going to be on the other side of this experience.

Also just remember that there is nothing wrong at all with crying and letting this grief out, take the time to move through each stage as it really is a process, and even sometimes when you feel like you are doing much better you do get one of those times that comes and surprises you, and that is fine too.

I am just so happy to hear that you felt hope and that you felt OK, and that is a really great sign that you can accept this process too.

My heart goes out to you Tradie Lady and I think you are doing so very well and I am so proud that you have reached out here and chatting and getting your feelings out.

Huge hugs to you.

Sarah xx

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Seacat — Fri, 31 Jan 2020 11:22:09 GMT

Your post really resonates with me, because I felt a sense of purposelessness as well, when my cat died. I suppose our pets give us something to nurture and look after, so when they pass away, we're often left with nothing to do in that regard. The fact that your dog was a rescue probably added to your feeling that there was a purpose to taking care of your dog. You should be proud of choosing a rescue, in the end you helped that dog, and gave it what sounds like a great 3 or 4 years. Perhaps you fulfilled one of your purposes with regards to this dog, it sounds like you did all you could.

When my cat died I went to the shelter regularly to spend some time with the animals there. It got me out of the house and I also felt like I was maybe helping other animals. That was the main way I was able to move through my grief. I didn't feel I was that close to my cat, but as with your dog, I felt that she helped me in some tough times, mainly with anxiety, just by sitting with me. I also felt like something was missing from my life, in your case it has been pregnancy, in my case it was employment. So once again I feel your story is familiar to me and probably other pet owners.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Tradie_Lady — Sun, 09 Feb 2020 21:35:49 GMT

Thank you Seacat.

It defintely has felt like we are being punished for something, but I have learnt that sitting with the grief when it hits is OK as it gets the feelings out rather than swallowing them. Yes his life was short and I still get angry that he was taken from us too young, but I have been remembering when I brought him home and the troubles we had with him and then the beautiful dog he turned into and the joy he brought me. That is what I am trying to hold on, not the unfairness of it.

My therapist has said that the grief that we feel is a reflection of the love we had - and that we have the capacity to grieve and love at the same time. I am trying to focus on that.

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Tradie_Lady — Sun, 09 Feb 2020 22:28:24 GMT

Hi Sarah

I really appreicate your ongoing support, thank you. The grief has been coming in waves, I mainly feel it at night in the dark that he is not with me. But I am learning that I can think of him and whilst still feel tears, I can remember the love that he brought me and my husband and whilst I still get angry that he was taken unfairly, I know that we loved him every day that we had him and I hope that he knew that too.

We went and visited some dogs over the weekend as we have decided that the house is too empty without the patter of dogs around us. I have been reflecting on the time we had with him and how challenging he was in the beginning to where he was when he left us. He had developed into a beautiful dog and we want to give that to another.

We ended up meeting 2 gorgeous cattle dogs (not related at all) and each taking a liking to each of us. We have the capacity to love both so we have decided to adopt both and give them all the love we can. I need to look forward and not live in a past I cannot change. Doesnt mean I dont have days when I hate the world and trauma its caused me but I am trying to come back to moving forward.

We also get my beautiful boy's ashes this week so I know that it is going to be difficult for me to experience that finality.

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Aaronsis — Sun, 09 Feb 2020 23:10:05 GMT

Good Morning Tradie Lady

I am so happy to hear that you have welcomed two new fur babies into your home, how very wonderful this is that you have given hope and love to two other animals.

I am so proud of you for the journey you have been on and that you are embracing the pain and the sadness and accepting that is it ok, that it is apart of the love you felt, after all grief really is just love with no where to go....it will take time and it will sneak up on you from time to time but I think your attitude and your patience with this process is outstanding and you are doing so very well to be kind to you and to let yourself move through these stages.

Getting the ashes will be tough too, but once again, just let yourself feel the pain and acknowledge the love and the sadness and know you are an amazing mum to those animals and they are so extremely lucky to have you.

Always here for you Tradie Lady, huge hugs to you, and to your new doggies as well.

Sarah xxx

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Guest_4643 — Mon, 10 Feb 2020 05:09:35 GMT

Hi Tradie Lady, sorry that I'm just seeing your post and replying now.

I'm so very sorry to hear of your Dog's sudden passing because of an illness, and the fact that your rounds of IVF have failed. I can't imagine how much you must be going through at the moment.

Just remember - there is no time limit on grieving for animals and humans. As hard as it is, try to remember all of the times you had with them, I know it's difficult because you can't have those moments back and you can't create any more memories. I've lost humans and animals in my life too so believe me, I know how hard it is.

I hope that your IVF eventually works for you, I can't imagine how hard that must be. But good on you for joining these forums and reaching out to people whilst you're struggling, that in itself takes a lot of courage so well done.

I wish I could give you a hug, but here's a virtual hug through the forums from me to you. I'm really sorry that you're struggling so much, and I hope things get better as much as they can real soon for you.

I'm sorry that I can't be of anymore help, but please know that I care and would like to support you in any way I can. I'm very sorry for your struggles.

Love and hugs,

Tayla

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Tradie_Lady — Thu, 13 Feb 2020 23:43:52 GMT

Hi Sarah

I am really overwhelmed by your kindess and time you are taking to respond to my posts, I really do appreciate your advice and not making me feel like I am overreacting to this situation.

Last night was one of the hardest nights since I lost my boy. We got his ashes. I knew it was coming and I knew it would be awful, but the overwhelming finality of it and the grief was suffocating. Holidng his collar and knowing he is only dust now was just too much to comprehend. I lit a candle for him and cried until I couldn't breathe. I felt so conflicted as we are picking up our new puppies tomorrow so I really struggled with still feeling this immense loss of Gryff, but also knowing we are opening our home to save some new dogs from being left in a pound or bouncing from foster carer to foster carer.

I wonder sometimes if we jumped back in too early, but the silence of our home is too much. I also wonder if people will think we are jumping in too early.

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Aaronsis — Thu, 13 Feb 2020 23:58:09 GMT

Hi Tradie Lady

It is really great to hear from you, I am so sorry that yesterday was so very much to manage and that the finality of the process has been realised. It is so hard to hold those ashes and to know that the love you had is all in this small box and you all you have left. Holding the collar too would have been very traumatic as once again, a visual reminder that you dont have Gryff anymore and only the memories.

I was great that you could sit with the grief and allowed yourself to cry and to let yourself feel the love and the pain and all the emotions, it is so very important and part of the process.

I think only you know the answer to your question about if you have "jumped back in too early", and as you said, the lack of "dog" in your home was too much to bear, so not only have you done the most wonderful thing to give 2 dogs a beautiful loving home but you will also provide a distraction for your grief, not to say it will not rise up from time to time, of course it will but you have done what is right for you. I would not worry too much about what other people think or say, they are not living through this and only you know what is right for you.

Lighting a candle and having that moment sounds really beautiful and you can light that candle from time to time if you need to sit with the feelings and to just remember and be with the memories of gryff.

Sending you all my love and strength at this time, also some joy too as you welcome the newest additions to your home, I can't wait to hear how they settle in.

Huge to you Tradie Lady xxx

Sarah xxx

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Tradie_Lady — Mon, 02 Mar 2020 01:16:37 GMT

Hi Sarah

I wanted to check in and share where I am at. thank you for your ongoing support.

We have had our new boys for just over 2 weeks now and they are beautiful boys. They are settling in well and have allowed for a distraction for some of the time. I am still feeling guilty and sad that I don't yet feel the same way about them as I did my boy gryff, as he was very much my companion and pal. I still cry about him most days when one of the new boys does something that reminds me of him. Its still so hard and if anything makes me miss him even more.The older of the new pups knows when I am sad and insists on kissing my tears away bless him, it just feels so different. I know its never going to be the same and I can't compare the 2 dogs to my gryff, but sometimes I feel myself doing it.

We are also trying again with the IVF as I feel the time slipping away from me in that respect. Its this complete change that I am struggling with and how to accept this change in path that still haunts me.

I hope you are well Sarah x

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Aaronsis — Mon, 02 Mar 2020 01:27:50 GMT

Hey Tradie Lady

It is so great to hear from you and I am so glad that even though it is tough, that you are making your way forward with your healing journey. The thing is that gryff was a huge part of not only your life but your emotional being. He provided you so much more than just a companion. These are things that cannot be suppressed in a few months or with the arrival of your new babies, and nor should they be. He will forever live in your heart and so it is only natural I think to draw comparisons to him and to your new dogs, this is not to say that you are feeling like these new dogs are not "meeting the standard", just as people are different they are all different too. That is so very sweet that the older one seems to be so in tune with your tears, perhaps he is not showing just yet the true role he will come to play in your life but it seems to me that a very strong bond had been formed and he is very much in tune with you.

You are right in that it wont be the same, and that is ok too. I think when they say "time heals all wounds" that is not so much true for me...perhaps it will not be true for you too...I think time makes things different, you learn to cope, you learn how to manage the tears and how to live with the pain...it doesn't go away is my experience. I accept that, I allow myself the time to cry and I let the pain live there with me. Maybe this is something you can think about too, instead of trying to make the pain stop and make it go away, sometimes accepting it and letting it be there and almost making it your friend helps. It doesn't rule your life but you let it be there and acknowledge it when you have to.

All the very best with your next round of IVF, it is such an emotional time and I wish you and your partner every bit of love, success and joy in this journey.

So great to chat to you some more Tradie Lady

Huge hugs

Sarah xxx

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Sweesoft — Mon, 09 Mar 2020 12:50:33 GMT

I have 2 lovely dogs and though I know they will be gone in 10 yrs time the least I can't imagine the pain it will be caused me. I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

Tradie_Lady — Tue, 07 Apr 2020 23:41:06 GMT

Hi Sarah

I hope you have been keeping safe and well with all the chaos thatis COVID-19. Its been a while since I checked in and need to today. Its Gryff's 'gotcha' or 'birthday'. He would have been 4. It feels so raw all over again and looking at photos and knowing that I never get to hug him again has been brutal today. ALso working from home now I cannot escape his memory or my grief. I know that you can't escape grief, but today just feels like I am drowning.

Our IVF also didnt work again and as a result of the COVID-19, we are on a permanent hiatus until it is safe to do anything again. I feel very lost and alone today, even though I have my husband and my 2 new beautiful dogs here, it's Gryff I want to comfort me and I want to hug him so badly. I have tried to be so positive and move forward with life and still talk to gryff often - but today just feels like I have gone back to the day it happened.

I hope you are safe and well and taking care of yourself also.

x