topic Anger from miscarriage in Grief and loss

Anger from miscarriage

Moon and back — Mon, 01 Jul 2019 11:50:37 GMT

Hi everyone,

I had a miscarriage 12 months ago - I’m 40 years old. It’s turned me into a completely different person! I’m always angry, so angry. It’s turned me off any kind of intimacy with my husband and I just feel down and angry all the time. As the months go on I get more angry as I realize i am further away from having another child - time is not on my side plus I’m tired all the time. My daughter is 3 but I really wanted a second child.

I’ve been grappling with the idea that perhaps a bit of depression is creeping in......... should I go and see a GP?

Anger from miscarriage

MsPurple — Mon, 01 Jul 2019 12:37:13 GMT

HI Moon and welcome to the forums

I think going to the GP and discussing your anger and other emotions associated with your miscarriage is a really good idea.

If you had a sore throat for a few days you'd see the doctor. It maybe nothing, just a cold, or it could be an infection that needs medical intervention like antibiotics. Was it a good thing to get check out. Yes? Doctors view discussing anything related to your feelings and other mental health (remember everyone has mental health, not everyone has a mental illness) issues you want to discuss.

I know also trying to have a baby can make anyone stressed and even a feeling of being overwhelmed. I think it would be a good idea to talk to your GP about these feelings and anger regarding you past miscarriage and wanting to have another.

Anger from miscarriage

therising — Mon, 01 Jul 2019 22:25:59 GMT

A warm welcome to you Moon and back

My heart goes out to you as you painfully deal with anger and grief.

Miscarriage can definitely be a hard and lonely challenge to work through. No matter how many people offer emotional support, it can still feel incredibly lonely. Between my 1st and 2nd child, I experienced 2 first trimester miscarriages as well as an ectopic pregnancy (which led to the removal of that tube). I share this with you for 2 reasons, 1) to offer support through some understanding and 2) to offer a new perception in the way of self-understanding.

I believe one of the greatest challenges when it comes to miscarriage, especially 1st time miscarriage, involves a referencing aspect. What I mean is how does our brain reference an event that it has no mental program for? I imagine you're in the same boat I was, about 15 years ago. No one had ever educated me about the mental and physical challenges of miscarriage. I was on my own in regard to working it out. The danger with this is - when there's nothing to reference, we tend to reference or identify with what we believe. What we identify with then threatens to become our identity. We can become a different person. I'll give you an example, based on what you've shared:

I am someone who had a miscarriage
I am 40 years old
I am angry and down
I am someone who is not intimate
I am further away from having another child
I am tired all the time
I am someone who wants a 2nd child

These points reference what is lacking. I am lacking a 2nd child, happiness, intimacy, peace, time, energy and fulfillment.

For me, I certainly wasn't lacking pregnancy tests. This became an absolute obsession with me. My identity partly became 'I am someone who must get pregnant and have another baby'. The referencing aspect didn't stop there. Intimacy was initially associated with grief, with my husband lovingly hugging me as I sobbed, interrupting what was once enjoyable. With the loss of a fallopian tube, 'I am mentally and physically 'broken'' became my mantra.

It wasn't until I began putting in place new mental programs that things began to change. Whether we take to education through books (as I did) or help from mental health professionals, either way a new and productive identity begins to form (for us to reference).

A lost sense of self is one of the hardest things to tackle in grief. Guidance is key in the way of recovery. 'I am someone who will manage through help' is an incredibly positive identity.

Take care