topic Never done this before in Grief and loss

Never done this before

Moonstruck — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:16:04 GMT

Good morning all,

My loving partner died 3 weeks ago and I've been different each day....managing to do all the essentials but at times in a confused "lost" sort of way that I hide well. I conduct conversations with others, some who know, some who don't very easily...chatting and laughing and carrying out the essentials of daily life, paying bills, making appointments, car services, new appliances etc....as if nothing had happened.

Most mornings though I want to lie in bed for the whole day,never seeing or speaking to anyone. Driving in the car when a piece of music plays that reminds me of "us" the tears come. I attended a small group meeting of member of a club I belong to (of course it's all been shut down and in limbo since Corona, so nothing happened to distract me from the loss)....just needed to see familiar faces. Strangely enough conversation seemed to shut down and become a bit stilted when I arrived..no one mentioned my loss at all. I was longing for a hug, so I could give way to my pent up emotions, but there were none.

No touch,no comfort offered....nothing! Why was this? These are great people and I know they care and like me..........but they didn't offer any words of comfort. Perhaps I was wrong about them being my friends, perhaps they couldn't give a stuff about me after all...what an idiot I am!

The loss is not just"him"...a person. It's the other things that have also gone. No one knows me, "gets"me, or thinks I am as beautiful as he did. No one will tell me how lovely I look (even when I don't ) any more. No one calls me "darling". No one has my crazy at times black, sense of humour. I don't know anyone else who laughs at the same things we did. It's all those things that have gone too. No one comes in the door and immediately enfolds me in a hug.

Why didn't my friends comfort me?

Never done this before

White_Rose — Tue, 26 May 2020 01:50:12 GMT

Dear Moon

I am so sorry for your loss. You must feel devastated. Grief is hard to manage and so often others do not know what to say. They are afraid of upsetting you or saying the wrong thing. Please accept they care about you but don't know how to show it. We are not supposed to hug atm due to corona which may also have a bearing on the matter. When you next see them can you talk about your loss a little. Once people see it's OK to talk about someone's loss they get more comfortable.

Having a crazy sense of humour may be useful at times to help you. Please remember that grief comes and goes in waves often when we least expect it. A friend of mine lost her brother, her last relative, and I was amazed at how well she coped. Well that was only until after the funeral and settling the estate etc. Six months later she fell apart big time. There was nothing for her to do to take her mind off her loss.

Keeping yourself busy is good to some extent. Make sure you leave time to grieve. Not something you want to do I expect because it's so painful. Let the tears come, sit down and let the emotion wash over you. Painful yes, but the best way to heal. My mom died 20 years ago and I still miss her. Not with the gut wrenching pain I had when she passed away but still someone to mourn.

You know you can post here at any time about anything.

Mary

Never done this before

Quercus — Tue, 26 May 2020 02:14:51 GMT

Hi Moon,

How I wish it was possible to hug you through the screen and offer you comfort.

I started to cry reading your words and the description of what you miss so badly. Saying I'm sorry for the loss of your partner doesn't feel nearly personal enough.

It must have been painful to write but I'm also thankful you feel safe enough to write to us here.

The reaction from your friends puzzles me too. I don't know why they didn't try comfort you somehow. Perhaps the constant reminders of social distancing made them feel unable to reach out. Our friend passed away not long ago and there was no funeral or contact so we didn't know how to help his partner. It's not surprising you feel so disappointed and hurt though. Do you think it would help if you mentioned to your friends what sorts of things are helping you cope?

If it helps you to write please post. I'm not online as much as I'd like but I'll check in when I can. I know sometimes it can feel like a post gets lost in a sea of others but there are many people here who care for you and want to listen.

I like to talk about the people I miss even though it hurts simply to remember what I loved so much about them. Grief is different for everyone I guess. Do you want to talk about your partner?

I care very much Moon and offer whatever comfort I can.

Love Nat

Never done this before

Tangney — Tue, 26 May 2020 04:35:04 GMT

Hi Moonstruck. I'm glad I found you here. I really feel for you. You are going through something that would be really awful at any time, but especially in this crazy covid era, with only 10 allowed at a funeral and not being able to go to your club as usual. I can imagine how let down you felt when you finally went to your club and saw friends only to find them aloof and what seems to be pretty insensitive. Who knows what goes through people's minds? Maybe they just didn't know what to say, especially when so many are focused on social distancing etc. Maybe they didn't think you were coming. I read some of the posts between you and Croix earlier. You seem to have a really good rapport with Croix. I hope you're ok and that you keep posting. Take care. I am thinking of you.

Never done this before

Moonstruck — Tue, 26 May 2020 23:46:23 GMT

Hello Tangney.....I'm glad we are still allowed to "meet" here as it's clear it's the only place we can support each other. thank you for getting in touch.....Moon s x

Never done this before

Moonstruck — Tue, 26 May 2020 23:53:42 GMT

Thank you Quercus, White Rose.....yes Quercus I want to talk about him but when I begin I start to cry....so I don't. One of the reasons I went to my social group was a hope that I could have the chance to let out my emotions among people I felt safe with, in an environment that felt like "home" and give me some physical, at least, relief at getting some of it"out" but there was no opening there.......they chatted to me about the weather, CoVid annoyances.....in fact didn't chat much at all to me....as I said, things seemed to go quiet.

I had cried in the car on the way there, and I cried in the car on the way home...but I had no chance to while there among friends....I sensed it would have made them extremely uncomfortable...in fact my mere presence seemed to cast a gloomy feel over their conversations and chatter...may as well just stay home in my room and grieve alone.

Never done this before

Quercus — Thu, 28 May 2020 03:59:23 GMT

Hi Moon,

I'm sorry you felt so uncomfortable with your friends. It all sounds very hurtful even if they didn't intend to be.

Would it help to write about him here perhaps? Or maybe Croix's happy memories thread. I remember you saying you had trouble finding happy memories but it sounds as though you had many with your partner.

I feel you about crying. At work this morning I just started randomly crying while vaccuming. Thank goodness I was alone. But that's part of grief I think. Sometimes it just hits you for no reason you can see. I figure at least I'm also remembering the good along with missing them.

You're not alone today. Even if it isn't the same over the internet we do care.

❤Nat

Never done this before

Tangney — Thu, 28 May 2020 22:56:49 GMT

Yes, I know what you mean. It's nice to be able to express oneself somewhere. I hope you're ok today. Take care.

Never done this before

Moonstruck — Mon, 01 Jun 2020 03:32:52 GMT

a lot has happened in just a few days. I crashed part of my car to pieces. Thank God no person or other car involved..just me. Have to wait now until smash repair man can fit me in to fix up. Damage is severe but all external.

Scared to drive it as looks so terrible and I keep seeing the event and the terrifying sensation of not being in control of the car.

Can't help wondering if somehow connected to my recent loss and my grief. I never lose control of my car. Feeling really low and confused.

Never done this before

Quercus — Thu, 04 Jun 2020 07:03:38 GMT

Far out. I wish I'd seen your post before now. Lucky you weren't hurt physically. I hope repair or replacement won't be too financially stressful either.

It doesn't surprise me unfortunately. When we're hurting it is easy to just get lost in thought.

It's been a few days since you posted Moon, how are you coping?

Never done this before

ecomama — Thu, 04 Jun 2020 10:58:17 GMT

Dear Moonstruck

I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you lost your best friend who meant more than even that. The empty hole left is so sad. I'm so sorry. Big hugs.

I'm also sorry that your friends didn't respond to your partners passing. I can't explain that at all.

Can you call any of them and have a 1:1 conversation with them?

The grief you're experiencing does need an outlet. It can't change the events but it may begin to give you some peace and healing.

I saw on another thread that you were seeking a Grief Counsellor, have you been able to find one yet?

Whether you can or you can't, I hope you can continue posting here for support. I'm glad you could reach out here. This is a very difficult time and you need support.

Love EM

Never done this before

Moonstruck — Thu, 04 Jun 2020 13:25:32 GMT

Hi Quercus....I'm making a list in my head of nice things just for ME when I get my car back to what it used to be. Should be done next week. I feel like spoiling myself. Never done that before.

It's strange how people are, including the bereaved one when there's a death. I hear myself sounding quite business-like and cheerful on the phone, smiling and chatting to neighbours etc as if nothing unusual had happened.

They don't mention him so I don't either. What is there to say anyway? Are they taking their cues from me or perhaps this is normal...how would I know?

I am not my usual self though..not by a long way..but no-one knows that..only me.

I am not nearly as organised as I used to be..get muddled about what I'm doing. Could easily lie on my bed for hours just resting..something I could never do. Each day I am a different person and mood. Do you think I have gone really crazy or mad?

Never done this before

Moonstruck — Fri, 05 Jun 2020 00:28:48 GMT

Thanks ecomama...just clearing something up..when it appeared in paper and I put photos and brief words on Facebook to let people know..I had many responses, very loving, everyone said beautiful things...you see I feel fine today..no need ring a friend.

As I said perhaps I am coming across as my old self...so they respond to the old me...I dunno. It hits me emotionally in the car so perhaps that's why I crashed?

Never done this before

quirkywords — Fri, 05 Jun 2020 04:43:46 GMT

Moon

I have only just seen your thread here. I am sorry about crashing your car.

Maybe people just assume things about what you want and treat your accordingly,

I appreciate your honesty and your openness. I am sure it helps all those people reading but not posting.

Quirky

Never done this before

ecomama — Fri, 05 Jun 2020 07:26:17 GMT

Moonstruck said:

Thanks ecomama...just clearing something up..when it appeared in paper and I put photos and brief words on Facebook to let people know..I had many responses, very loving, everyone said beautiful things...you see I feel fine today..no need ring a friend.

As I said perhaps I am coming across as my old self...so they respond to the old me...I dunno. It hits me emotionally in the car so perhaps that's why I crashed?

Dear Moon

I'm glad your FB friends responded compassionately, that must've been comforting.

But you felt strange about the way your other friends responded in person. We do need human contact. FB only reaches so far.

I do think you may have crashed because you were feeling emotional, it's very possible. If being in the car means you're feeling things more deeply than other times, then you are cuing in on things for you.

You're not crazy, you're grieving.

You're doing the right thing by planning a self - care thing. What a beautiful response during a difficult time.

Much love EM

Never done this before

Quercus — Sat, 06 Jun 2020 08:15:16 GMT

Hi Moon,

It's good to hear you're planning to spoil yourself. Everyone seems to say we should be kinder to ourselves but it's not always easy to do.

I don't think you're mad or crazy at all. When I read what you write it sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I suspect I would react very similarly in your shoes. Not sure there is a right or wrong response to grief really.

I thought about how you mentioned friends possibly responding to your cues. It does make sense. When I was unsure what to say or do in a situation I used to look at how other people responded/acted. Now I just try speak my mind instead. Maybe your friends aren't sure how to just say to you "I have no idea how to support you or what you need".

Perhaps you could ask a friend you trust if they think others might be uncomfortable with you because they don't know what to say right now? It might be a way to start a conversation about what you DO need and are missing. Do you think that might help?

❤ Nat

Never done this before

monsie — Sun, 07 Jun 2020 07:18:05 GMT

I do not know... why people disappear. When my husband went to hospital and is still there, with the ventilator, screens, tubes.... many people responded to my calls and were very kind. Now, after 2 weeks, nobody rings. I am housebound. I asked a friend for some groceries on Friday morning, and she told me at night she had not been able to buy some food for me. . . I honestly thing that people have their lives, very complicated as well as mine... and above all people do not understand or can get involved in something that makes them suffer. Because people are suffering a lot these days with the Corona, lack of jobs, etc etc. I know how you feel and from the bottom of my heart I am sending you a big hug. It is a bad time to lose a husband/partner. I wish I could be of more help, in a few days is my husband goes, I'll have to deal with his loss myself and I do not know who to turn to myself.

Never done this before

Moonstruck — Mon, 08 Jun 2020 13:13:38 GMT

Thank you for your words. I am okay actually..I don't seem to be as distraught others seem to get when their partner dies..the only person who loved me..if you understand what I mean.

My car crash has dominated my mind and repairs begin tomorrow. It will be such a relief to have it back. The world as it is now is just insane...perhaps it has turned me insane too. Why aren't I weeping and wailing about losing the one who loved me so much.

He would never have left the relationship. I made him so happy. He did much more than just leave...he died. It still doesn't seem real.

Never done this before

blondguy — Mon, 08 Jun 2020 13:30:37 GMT

Hello Moon

I didnt know about your crash until I noticed you in the Croix Cafe a few days ago mentioning that you have started a new thread topic..I posted my sincere condolences on your main thread for the loss of your close friend...You have been through so much Moon

Losing our car is no different to losing our independence...not a nice place to be in 😞

Huge hugs for you Moon

Paul

Never done this before

Guest_1055 — Mon, 08 Jun 2020 14:02:00 GMT

So sorry for your loss moon. I have no other words other then that.

Gentle hug

Shelley