topic My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve in Grief and loss

My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve

tashi — Sun, 21 Jan 2018 11:40:05 GMT

I’m a young mother just starting out in life and my father has recently passed away from prostate cancer. I feel incredibly numb . I’ve been walking around like everything is normal . People say “I’m sorry for your loss “ and I say that’s ok . Even thought it’s not . My dad was 55, to young to leave us . I keep seeing him everywhere and then realising it’s not possible. At night time I feel sick knowing that I will never talk to him again or see his face . My heart is seriously aching I don’t know how to move forward from here and continue to be a happy healthy mother for my baby

My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve

demonblaster — Sun, 21 Jan 2018 12:08:38 GMT

Ahhh Tash I'm very sorry its so hard isnt it

Darl grieving is a very personal thing everyone deals with this differently, you might be in shock hun which is quite normal, our minds try to protect us.

Your dear Dad wasnt old at all, its so unfair isnt it. My Dad was 59, too young as well.

There's no time limit on grieving, you'll go through many emotions which is all normal & part of the process. It will probably sound like just words atm but time really does ease the pain.

You're hurting because you love him, that won't change

Please talk here as often as you like & try to be gentle with yourself

My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve

White_Rose — Sun, 21 Jan 2018 12:38:21 GMT

Dear Tashi

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I'm glad you found your way here.

What you are describing is the classic reaction to loss. That probably doesn't help much but I want you to know you are walking a path those others have used and you will come out the other side.

May I ask if your mother is still around. If so I imagine she is equally as distressed as you. One of the helpful ways of managing your grief is to talk about your dad. Perhaps you can arrange for a few family members to meet at your home and to bring something they associate with your dad. Talk about him and remember the time you had with him. Some will be funny, some sad, it doesn't matter. You will all gradually realise that the pain has receded a little.

You will never forget your dad but the memories will help to see him as your much loved dad. Play the remembrance game, "Do you remember when ........ It may sound morbid but it is very good for you to talk about your dad and what he meant to you. The feeling he is going to walk in the door or you just saw him in the shop down the road is very familiar. I used to look out of my window and expect to see my dad coming home from work. I live in Brisbane and my dad was in the UK. How can you figure that out. It was the same when my mom died. I did not get to see her before she died, only attended her funeral.

I would think about something and pick up the phone to call her before I realised what I was doing. This is how powerful your grief is. You will know dad has gone and you will know he went peacefully. As you say 55 was no great age and he should have had longer.

It's the same with seeing him in different places. You know it's just someone who looks a bit like him but it still reminds you and still hurts. It is a stressful time and you have a young baby to care for as well.

Give yourself a specific time each day to think about him and mourn. Half an hour is enough. When you find yourself thinking about him remind yourself you are going to have a time later that day to really think about him. It will help.

Grief takes as long as it takes. I know you are unhappy but gradually your dad will fade into the background. Not forgotten but there as a gentle presence. Talk to him if it helps. I find it useful to talk to my parents even though I will not see them again. It helps.

Please come and talk more here. It always helps.

Mary

My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve

tashi — Sun, 21 Jan 2018 23:45:38 GMT

Thank you for the replies. Yes my mother is still alive her and my dad were not together but had a great relationship she actually cared for him until he passed in her home and held him as he passed away . We both sat with him for sometime after he had died and it was so peaceful and a memory I will never forget . My mother seems to be grieving heavily makes me feel strange that I’m not reacting the same but like you said everyone does it differently. I don’t let me self get to emotional during the day I have to much to do but when I get to bed at night it all come flooding out . Regret, disbelief, that he won’t be here for another family event or won’t answer the phone. I just wasn’t for it to happen even though I knew it was coming I just miss him so much

My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve

demonblaster — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 04:37:13 GMT

Yes its still very hard to comprehend even when we know Tashi.

Everything you're experiencing is normal & is part of the very hard grieving process

I'm so glad you & your Mum had that peaceful time with your Dad after he passed & he was amongst love & not alone

As you said you're quite busy through the day which you'd need to be focusing on & when you have quiet time is when your finding it harder. It's when there's no distractions & is part of processing, all normal.

You're grieving heavily & in great pain, for your sake I suggest try not to feel you're not reacting a certain way, I too questioned how I was grieving with loss of my partner at one stage & was told I was as you are, I realeased that extra pain, you have enough to deal with

The cancer council Ph: 131120, I had telephone counselling with which was very helpful. I'm not sure what the criteria is & if not they may have information that can be of help. You might have info already.

Take care darl

My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve

White_Rose — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 05:54:02 GMT

Hello Tashi

So good you and your mom had that last time with your dad. That must have been great knowing you were with him at the end and no doubt he knew you were there also.

You and mom can help and support each other for the time being. I wish I could tell you how to get over this quickly but I feel there is no short cut. It is a process of letting go and living with the memory. I think it teaches us to live every moment with our loved ones. I think we are never ready for our loved ones to leave us even when we know they are ill and must pass on. It's still a shock to feel the empty place.

You are a busy mom and no doubt spend much of your day doing all the usual jobs. As the momentum slows it's a good idea to sit somewhere comfortable, and as I suggested above, allow yourself to think about dad. Remember all the good stuff and how you felt. Remember the not so good stuff and how you felt. Let it all wash over you while you take comfort from your memories. Then get up and go on with the rest of your evening. It allows you to grieve in a more controlled way instead of remembering in the middle of something and crying. Nothing wrong with crying but you sound like a person who prefers to weep in private.

Keep chatting here.

Mary

My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve

quirkywords — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 07:05:51 GMT

Tashi,

I am very touched by your posts and I want to extend my sympathy to you at the loss of your dad.

White Rose and demonblaster have given you helpful and supportive advice.

Grief as has been mentioned does differ from person to person. there is no right way.

The thing is to find what works for you.

After my dad died, I found I was really missing telling him things, so I started writing letters to him on the computer .At first I was writing every day pouring out my heart and then Iover the first year I didn't write as ofte.

This may not work for you but it worked for me. I had a friend who use to draw while she was grieving.

It is hard especially as it so recent.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Quirky

My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve

geoff — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 21:33:00 GMT

hi Tashi, my deepest sorry for the passing away of your Dad, he was too young to leave you but it's something that has happened which was never expected so I feel your pain as well as your mothers.

I was with my Mum when she passed away but wasn't when my Dad left us and I suppose that that's something which I had longed to be with him, to hold him and kiss him in his later moments.

It can never be what we hope for, we want them to live forever, to help us in situations we just couldn't cope with ourselves.

Again I am so sorry for you and your mum. Geoff.

My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve

tashi — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 10:55:41 GMT

Thanks for everyone’s nice replies . One step at a time I suppose. Some days are much harder than other . I miss him Incredibly. I saw his ashes in the jar today for the first time , what a strange feeling . Felt very final

My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve

demonblaster — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 12:44:59 GMT

Hi Tash & all 🙂

You're very welcome and thanks for returning

Yes it's confronting isn't it.

Someone recently said to me when I said I'm feeling lonely (loss of partner 3 yrs ago) ... "You won't be lonely while you have memories" WOW, and someone else said "the person leaves but the love doesn't".

Sometimes just a sentence can make a difference

support

My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve

White_Rose — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 21:22:03 GMT

Hello Tashi

Death and loss are always confronting as DB said. The quote from DB You won't be lonely while you have memories is absolutely true. We do miss the physical presence but we can bring back good memories by talking to each other, looking at photos etc. When you are ready try some of these. It will hurt a little but will help even more.

This is part of a poem and I think it's well known. Here are a couple of lines.

DEATH is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. This is so true. I know they are not hugely helpful at the moment as every moment it seems you are reminded of your dad. It will pass and you will find the truth of that little extract.

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my dad as he died in England. It's always been a regret of mine but the quotes above, while I did not know them then, are right and I can bring my dad and my mom to mind. I certainly talk to my mom. I also answer for her because I know what she is going to say. I miss being held by them but I know they would hug me if they were here.

So take heart my dear, you will get through this horrid patch and come out the other side. With a few scars yes, but also with the knowledge that can help another in the same situation. Please be kind to yourself and your mom and accept that grieving and loss are part of life. This loss happened before you expected it.

Hope you will continue posting as long as you need.

Mary

My fathers passing leaving me not knowing how to grieve

demonblaster — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 22:07:08 GMT

Hi Tash & all

Reading Whiteroses post above reminded me of a couple of coping mechanisms that still help me today with my partners loss

She said she talks to her Mum, if my MIL hadnt said yrs ago she talked to her late hubby I wouldnt have thought to & 3 yrs later I still talk to my late which has bought me enormous comfort & probably will continue, I feel a connection doing this

The other thing I found helpful was I talked to a lot of people about the loss of my late, it helped with release & many having been through this heart break can relate as well as people having different experiences say different things often very comforting

Heart goes out to you

Look after yourself darl & please pass condolences to your Mum