topic Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death in Grief and loss

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Guest_161 — Wed, 28 Jun 2017 14:45:54 GMT

Hi, i lost my younger brother in january this year to GVHD after having a transplant from leukaemia, he was 26.

Iv gone through so many emotional stages since he passed but now as time is going on I'm struggling to come to terms with knowing iv lost my only sibling , my best friend, my sons uncle and the person i would call daily to talk about anything or ask stupid questions. I'm so lost in life now and every night getting close to bed time i get these sick feelings he wasn't meant to go there was something else they didnt try, flash backs of his final week when they said there wasn't anything more they caN do but to just make him comfortable now , he basically was asleep 24/7 for 3 or 4 days before he passed but a few days before that he was starting to get confused , i remember him getting scared when a nurse entered n he said no no I'm going home, or if he was in pain looking at me saying please help but the look on his face i had never seen before, when i think of all this my heart races and i clench up , i just feel so sad for him he went through 3 years of pain but every hurdle thrown at him he overcame it like a king but then out of no where from a general hospital stay like any other he had had he never came home .

i dont have a a lot of friends a couple of close ones but iv pulled my self away from them as i just feel like I'm on repeat, and i know no matter how many times i tell them about all this there is only so much they can say back to me before they are just repeating it too and i dont want to continue to burden them with it .

Has anyone else had or been thru something smilier to this

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Guest_161 — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 12:30:19 GMT

is anyone there ?

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

solabear — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 12:48:50 GMT

Hey there....

I'm so sorry about your brother, it's very sad and devastating. I can not even imagine what you're going through as I haven't lost anybody so close to me. But I'm here for you and good on you posting and reaching out.

Have you talked to GP about how you feel? meds or counselling can help. I look forward hearing from you

hugs

Sola

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Guest_9809 — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 12:54:22 GMT

Hi Guest, I'm here! But I fortunately have not been through anything similar to you, which is why I had not responded. But I read your post with deep sadness for your loss and for your dear brothers suffering. So young and so precious, and so unfair that he had to go as he did.

You were obviously very close. I am very close to my brother too, who is going through a dreadful time currently. He was involved in a car accident where his young daughter was killed. He is now deeply depressed with self harm thoughts. I speak to him regularly as I am his primary support person on his emergency safety plan. Certainly the worst thing I can imagine would be to also lose my brother after having already lost my 11 year old niece.

Overwhelming grief is a tough one, and its only been 5 months. There is no time limit when it comes to grief. Have you considered having some grief counselling? It could be worth trying. I will quickly send this off so you arent waiting too long. And if you would like to chat further, please post again.

Taurus xx

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Guest_9809 — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 13:16:02 GMT

I'm still here Guest, if you would like to reply. Its now 11.15pm, and I expect to be around until around 11.30pm. I will look out for a reply from you. You arent alone and you are amongst friends here. Everyday people like you and I, who have struggled with mental health problems including grief. You will receive a kind and understanding hearing here when you need it. I'm sorry your post was not replied to earlier, I suspect it was posted last night when people had finished up for the night. And with some heavy traffic during today, it slipped out of the new posts front page. That unfortunately happens on the odd occasion. Are you still about?

Taurus

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Guest_161 — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 13:27:18 GMT

Thanks for responding, i think you have been through something similar , you've still lost someone close.

I was very close with him yes, i was also his first donor for his stem cell transplant but he relapsed 18m later, i know it wasn't my fault but i still feel guilty i couldn't save him and guilty that I'm living and he isn't .

iv been contacted by the hospital about counselling and i tried on 2 occasions to go but on the day i couldn't do it, i know once i walk in the room and they ask the first question I'm going to be a bubbling mess so i thought ild try this first as its over the computer and i can cry and write and the same time

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Guest_9809 — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 13:54:53 GMT

Ahh, good ... you are there.

Losing someone close is dreadfully hard. I still grieve for my niece. We didnt live nearby at the time, but remained close. My niece rang me a few hours before the accident in which she was killed. She was so excited, so full of life and joy. I still remember that conversation, and when the hurt comes, I remind myself how happy she was that day. Our departed loved ones feel no pain, and your brother and my niece will remain forever young. I know that is little consolation, but sometimes that is all we have, and it has to be enough.

As for guilt, well that is a very self destructive emotion. You know in your own heart that you did everything you possibly could for your brother, in fact more than most could or would by donating stem cells. No mean feat.

My brother feels guilt too about his daughters death. He was driving the car you see. Although it wasnt his fault, he still blames himself for what happened. Wondering if there was something he could have done that would have prevented the accident, even leaving home just 20 seconds later than he did. But it wasnt his fault, it was a freak accident. But because he cannot see past his own idea that he must somehow be to blame, then he has become such as risk for self harm. He is also plainly still grieving the loss of his beloved only daughter.

I would strongly urge you to follow up on the grief counselling. Yes you may well end up a bawling mess, but that is a release in itself, and its important that you do so. Counsellors have seen it all before, you are not unique.

But by all means, please also continue to discuss your thoughts and feelings here as you would like to. There are some fun threads in the BB Social Zone which you might like to contribute to as well. Its a good way to connect with other people and to take your mind off things for a bit.

Its very important that you dont isolate yourself Guest. And that you continue to get out and do things you enjoy. Whether that is going out to a movie, coffee with family friends or work colleagues, or walking the dog. Anything to get you out and doing normal everyday things.

You will always miss your brother, always regret that he is no longer a part of your life. But one day it will be the good times you remember, and not the bad ones. And he will always be in your heart.

I need to go to bed now Guest, but I will check back in with you in the morning. I hope you get some restful sleep.

Taurus

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Guest_161 — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 14:21:31 GMT

Thats sad she was so young life really isn't fair sometimes is it.

straight after my brother passed i wondered if there really was a god , to put someone thru 3 years of pain he was 1 month of finishing his carpentry apprenticeship , full of life a big gym junkie , never did wrong to anyone but to suffer that pain only to take him in the end when there is so much people out there that dont appreciate life , murder people and live a long life isn't fair, then i thought well the saying god only takes the best i now see is true.

i havent been to see a doctor yet but from reading about depression/anxiety, ptsd i think I'm suffering from them a bit, i cant attend any family shows atm , things like that were something my brother and i would travel too together and its a painful memory to think we never will again and ill no longer have him there to talk too.little things like tv shows that are on once a year n have recently been on when i watch them it reminds me of last winter when he was around , lots of little things just trigger off painful memories .

sorry if i dont write back quick enough , i also dont know how to change my name from guest ?

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

geoff — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 18:22:49 GMT

hello Guest, firstly I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your younger brother, sometimes we can't say words that will be able to relieve any pain and sorrow that you are suffering from, please accept my most sincere condolences.
Briefly if I'm correct you can change your name by going to your 'My Profile' and there you can change your name and if you have a photo that also can be changed.
You can't hide your grievance, you need to let it out, go to your doctor and never be afraid to show your emotions, the number of times I cried to my GP and psychologist, well it might be easier to say the number of times I didn't cry, there is NO shame to open up, you have lost your brother and to you that means so much, let your grief show.
There is always a box of tissues in their office, that tells you how many times people cry when they are with them, because they are suffering just like you are, so please do not be frightened. Geoff.

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Guest_9809 — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 22:17:51 GMT

You're so right Guest, and I totally agree with you about "God only taking the best". It is a comforting thought in a way. When I think of all the young beautiful good people who were taken way too young, life seems to be totally unfair.

I feel that way about my little 11yo niece and also my very first boyfriend who also lost his life in a car accident when he was only 23. They were beautiful souls, enjoyed life to the full, were happy and joyous. My niece died almost 2 years ago and my boyfriend 30 odd years ago, with the anniversary only last week in fact. I still have tears when I think of them, and that will always be the case. But rather than the initial deep grief, it has become a gentler emotion over the years. Rather than an uncontrollable torrent of tears, it is now more of a welling of tears in the eyes. And then I push my thoughts to the happy times, rather than my own feelings of loss.

With my boyfriend, whenever I hear a certain song it instantly reminds me of him. For my niece, she was an extremely gifted little athlete who represented her state in athletics and cross country. Whenever I see school sports carnivals or athletics events I think of her. And horses, becauses typical of a little country girl, she adored horses. She was about to get her first pony delivered the week after the accident, that of course never happened.

Initially these memories would spark deep despair. These days it has lessened and I see the happier side of things, where they had great enjoyment during their lives. We cannot lose sight of that. The fact that, although their life was so cruelly cut short, they managed to have some wonderful times in that short life. And they have provided some truly beautiful memories for those of us who have been left behind.

I know its something you have heard before Guest, but time does ease the hurt. Your brother was brave, clever, very much loved. Grief will take its own time, so dont try to push yourself out of it. Let it take its course. Acknowledge it and give yourself permission to express your feelings.

Here for you if you want to discuss things further. Sometimes talking about it helps. Sending you a comforting hug.

Regarding profile name change from Guest, I am not sure if it can be done through the My Profile option, you may need to request any changes via email. I will try to find out and let you know.

Taurus xx

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Bjb_20 — Sat, 01 Jul 2017 17:43:48 GMT

Hi. I am sorry to hear about your brother. I don't have any brothers or sisters, however i lost both my parents in 2015 9 months apart. Mum had mnd so it to was a slow death. Dad got pneumonia and died of heart failure. I too am still struggling. However with mum i try to tell myself its ok as she is no more pain. Not much help but to say you not alone.

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Guest_9809 — Sat, 01 Jul 2017 22:12:44 GMT

Hello Bjb_20. Welcome to the BB Forums and thanks so much for your very comforting post to Guest_161.

I can see that this was your first post overnight. Have you been browsing the Forums for some time? Perhaps you saw Guest's thread and it resonated with you, impelling you to respond.

My most sincere condolences to you for the untimely loss of both your Mum and your Dad back in 2015. My heart goes out to you Bjb, and I'm sorry you have no siblings to help you through the usual grieving process. Yes it may well be a comfort to you knowing that your Mum is no longer in pain, as MND is a very cruel and distressing disease. However that never dulls your own sense of pain over the loss. As has been indicated in my post to Guest, there is no time frame for our grieving process, and I'm sorry you are still struggling.

Have you sought out any grief counselling or spoken to your GP about ways to help you cope? After two successive painful losses, such as you have experienced, it would be fairly normal to become depressed. Do you feel as though that is the case, or have already been diagnosed?

Would you consider opening your own thread to tell us a bit more about yourself? We could direct some more specific advice and support your way if you were happy to do so. You will find that the Forum members here are very helpful and supportive. You may find the interaction with others who have faced similar situations to be a comfort to you.

Again thanks for your input here on Guest's thread, it really does help to know that we are not alone in our personal struggles. Sometimes it may feel that way, but when people such as yourself reach out, it is a big comfort to others.

I hope to hear from you further, and will keep a look out for you.

Taurus

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Guest_161 — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 17:43:35 GMT

Hi sorry i just thought to write back in here as im having a shitty night and just need to get to all out rather then go over it in my head which ill prob still do anyway.
Its coming up 1 year anniversary to my brothers death, the last month have been hard with xmas, new years his bday and now the anniversary, the thoughts of his final week have came back a lot more lately , it breaks my heart so much that it happened to him he was the most kind hearted thoughtful loving person it wasn't fair, i remember the times he getting told he had cancer to being told he wouldnt make it another year i remember him crying and i get soo upset.
I never knew or never asked for some reason weather he was told he was dying and how he reacted to it but tonight because its almost 1 year i was talking about it with my mum saying this day last year he started getting confused ect and that was his liver levels going up, i said was he told he was dieing and my mum said oh yes before they told me ( which i never really got told) i said how did he react and my mum said well he got upset started crying, this destroys me knowing this now i feel so sad at the thought of what he must have thought and then i get angry that my parents had a go at me the morning on the day he passed( i slept there the night before) resulting in me just walking out and my brother passing while i was gone .
I really cant get over this and i miss him so much

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Quercus — Sat, 20 Jan 2018 01:17:04 GMT

Hello Guest_161,

I'm very sorry your new post got past us. It has been a new days now since you posted. How are you holding up?

The process of someone dying is traumatic for everyone involved. I remember feeling so helpless and angry and guilty when my Grandfather passed away. That feeling has never really left me either. When you really love someone watching them in pain and lost and scared and confused is torture. It is easy to lose yourself in those thoughts and become overwhelmed.

Have you managed to speak to anyone apart from online? The first time I spoke to a medical professional I was an absolute mess. Terrified because I couldn't get the words out. I felt like if I spoke the flood would be released and I would never be able to stop crying.

But this is such an important thing for your own wellbeing. If you let this build inside you will implode. The easiest way to start is by printing your posts and booking a long appointment with your doctor or even better with a psychologist or grief counsellor. Just hand over the printout and let them begin the conversation.

If they aren't willing to read it then they're a crap doctor and you choose another.

Once my psychiatrist told me when you're in a place where you really need help your emotions are just too overwhelming. Too extreme. Too much to cope with. But with help and time (and for me medication too) you will begin to feel emotions less intensely.

I still feel the grief and anger and helplessness that I felt sitting with my Grandad but it is no longer overwhelming. I can feel the sadness but I'm not drowning in it anymore.

That first step is the very hardest. Letting yourself fall apart under the protection and support of a professional. I hope this year you can find it in you to give it a try.

In the meantime as always we are here for you and do care.

❤ Nat

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Quercus — Sat, 20 Jan 2018 01:25:29 GMT

Oh and if you still want to change your name there is a thread in the welcome section called FAQ by Sophie_M. There is a link there to the email address you need to send your request to.

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Guest_161 — Sun, 21 Jan 2018 16:20:05 GMT

Hi Quercus

Thats ok, i just needed to get it out to someone how i was feeling rather then going over all the thoughts in my head if that makes sense. Im sorry to hear about your grandad.

The post was xmas day so since then iv had his birthday and 1 year anniversary, The week leading up to the 1 year and the actual day was extremly hard, it was like living it all over again and regretting not being there 24/7 in the last days, i cannot explain why i wasn't, i didnt think he would die but at the same time i knew he was , i was delusional i dunno. The thought of living my whole life with out him is something i dont want to do.

I get scared to look at photos somedays, or think about him it just brings up hurtful memories.

i went to a psychologist last year, had 6 sessions and on the 6th session she made a comment about me crying still which made me uncomfortable, im not really interested in seeing anyone else , no one can take away the pain i feel. As for meds, im scared about all the side effects such as weight gain so thats a no go too.

Im depressed which probably doesnt help with it, but i dont want to be happy either because i dont to loose all the memories and be happy hes not here anymore

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Quercus — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 16:14:27 GMT

Hi Guest_161,

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience with a psych. That is a real shame as it has put you off seeking the support you really do need. What about asking your GP for a referral to a psychiatrist? I go to psychotherapy weekly with mine and he just listens. Barely says a word. Just lets me get all the pain off my chest. He doesn't care if I cry or scream or swear. It has been very helpful to me. I'm just trying to show you there are different styles of therapists. It takes trial and error to find one who can help you.

This was important to read...

but i dont want to be happy either because i dont to loose all the memories and be happy hes not here anymore

I suspect depression is speaking there even a little. All those muddled up feelings of guilt and overwhelming sadness. Feeling guilty for being alive. Overwhelming sense of grief. I don't have answers for this I only know what wotked for me. But I wanted you to know this feeling is pretty normal and you're not alone.

I was scared of meds too. Until I realised I was beyond being able to help myself. When I was suicidal the idea of trying meds was no longer as scary as the idea of dying and leaving my kids and hubby behind. Medication is not scary. It just feels like it until you speak to the right sort of psychiatrist or doctor. One who sits you down and takes your fears seriously. Who tells you what side effects are possible and what the plan is if you find the side effects outweigh the benefit.

I know I sound like a bloody rep for a pharmacy (I'm not). I just cannot put into words how reluctant I was to even try. And how ANGRY I was at myself afterwards when I began to see I had sufferred so long needlessly and put myself at risk when I didn't have to.

Grief takes as long as it takes unfortunately but one day you will be able to think of your brother and be sad but also feel the joy of your memory of him. I found a lot of comfort in my faith (do you have a belief system that helps you?). The two most genuinely good people I knew were my Grandparents. So it is fact to me that they are reunited. This gives me comfort. That he is no longer here with me but with the woman he loved most. And that one day when I am old I will see them both again. I say old because they loved me and will want for me to have had a long and happy life too.

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Quercus — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 16:15:55 GMT

Another thing that helps me is remembering/imagining what they would say to me. When my Grandad passed I had to go too. I had a baby waiting at home for me to breastfeed. I was upset that I wasn't with him.

But then one day I thought of what my Grandfather was like...and I knew if he could have spoken to me he'd have said Nat I know you love me. You don't have to be here for me to feel your love. My great granddaughter is waiting to be fed... it is time for you to go home now and give her a cuddle from me. I knew the man he was. And I have no doubt this is what he would have said. Probably would have added that noone is as gorgeous as him except his great granddaughter. But that was who he was.

If your brother could speak to you what do you think he would say to you? Would he want to comfort you? What sort of a man was he? No need to reply... Just think on it yeah?

I feel so strongly that you need more support offline. Is there any chance you can think of anyone you're willing to reach out to?

I hope I haven't pushed you too hard. I am worried about you.

Nat

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Guest_161 — Tue, 13 Mar 2018 16:44:00 GMT

Hi thanks for your replies, and sorry i have not written back , just feel like an old broken record on repeat. But i want to know if parents forget they still have a child or forget there still parents if 1 child has passed, as this is what im feeling like lately

My mum and i had always been like best friends, we did everything together,but since my brother has passed we just started to not get along, she leaned on other people for support and because of that i guess she felt as she wasn't leaning on me she didnt need to support me either.but i would say in the last 9 months i feel like she only cares about her self and she's that much rapped up in her self, and getting together with her friends she's forgotten that she is still a mother.The first pretty big argument was in october last year i caught her messaging an old friend of mine , i stopped talking to this friend for very good reasons, my mother was never even her friend when i was and quite frankly called her a name when i was so not only did it hurt to find that out she also told this friend whats going on in my life but chucked in some lies, i felt if your own mother cant stick up for you then who can you trust.she's always got time to go out shopping with her friends, out for tea, but it just feels she's forgotten im here. Unless its me asking to go shopping then we wouldnt go anywhere at all,I would have thought given from how close we were, and the only child she has left she would want to get past any argument we have , the only communication i get from her now is hows her grandson doing ( my son).Last week i had gastro , she took my son over night, i got woken to the next day her knocking on my door with my son telling me hes sick so hes not at school and she needs to go to work, did not even ask how i was, when i said to her why couldn't you take the day off and watch him as im also still sick she says she has to work , now i know she could have easily taken the day off to look after family, given

im also struggling with my son and some issues with my son and school it upset me .And today i find out she's organising with my brothers gf and his mates gf to go for lunch next weekend, not once 14 months has she even asked me her own daughter to go for lunch.So given all that, no friends no family and struggling with depression and my son i starting to loose how to live and find any motivation to leave the house

Struggling to come to terms with my brothers death

Cathy_S — Wed, 14 Mar 2018 08:20:12 GMT

Hi, I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. I had to reply after reading your last post. I've lost my 28 yro son to suicide 9 May 2016.I'm on here to find out what to do with my feelings of depression, that could be a phase of grieving too. I'm still figuring that out. I'm on several child loss sites that help me to vent to parents who are going through the same. I don't feel all alone anymore. I have other children and am sure they sometimes feel neglected. But they also understand I lost my child, the same as they are to me. We all lost the same person . But you have to understand the loss of your child is different to the loss of a sibling. There is no logic to a mum's grief. And what I understand from your last post you're seeking for logic. One of the sites I'm on also has a loss of a sibling part. My daughter is a member.

I wish you all the best x