topic I lost my 4-year-old daughter in Grief and loss

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

3T — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 12:27:03 GMT

This is my first post in here. I've tried to find a support group. my youngest daughter choked at home and died 3 years ago, she was four. my life has turned upside down with grief ,guilt and hopelessness.. I've tried to find support but have had a bad experience with counsellor so have given up taking that path and thought i would give this a try. I don't recognise my self or my family anymore and the person I was before she got her wings died with her . I don't known what to do anymore or if life is going to get better....I have never felt more alone and out of place in my life

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

BballJ — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 13:06:54 GMT

Hi 3T,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter, I won't even begin to pretend I know what you are going through as that would be one of the toughest things to deal with but I want to point out something, the fact you are here and looking for support and help is amazing and a real credit to you, so please hold you head high for that one. You will find these forums quite supportive and I do hope others comment with their support for you as well. You are not alone.

I understand you said you have given up on seeing a counsellor, may I ask, how many have you seen? Reason I ask is that when I first spoke to my GP about my mental health they said to me "Finding a good counsellor is look finding a good friend, you don't always click with the first one you meet, it can take time to find the right one". This rings so true and I do hope you keep looking for a counsellor as I feel you may benefit big time from a really good one. Possibly giving the Beyond Blue helpline a call on 1300 22 4636 to discuss what you options may be as well.

Please, respond as much as you would like and I will always try to respond to you as will others.

My best for you,

Jay

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

3T — Sun, 09 Apr 2017 23:56:10 GMT

Hi Jay

Thank you for your reply and support, I have seen a couple if counsellors and really connected with one lady and seen her for a year. Until.she made a mandatory report to DOCS regarding my 15 year old daughter because of my partners drinking she felt it could esculate and she might be harmed. Needless to say DOCS did nothing because of her age and they felt there was no risk of harm. So now I don't trust anyone and feel I can't be honest because of what she did

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

startingnew — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 09:16:35 GMT

hi 3t welcome to the forums

i know the feeling of being alone and grief. i lost my nana who was my best friend not that long ago and it hurts me everyday.

have you thought of maybe having traditions for celebrating your daughters life at certain times of the years as her birthday xmas easter?

i also understand the DOCS situation as well, ive had to deal with them before and that made life hard as well.

you can open up on here as much as you can if you feel comfortable

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

3T — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 10:50:26 GMT

We do celebrate her birthday and angelveresry we wright messages on balloons and let them go. The night of her death haunts me still 3 years later, watching her struggle for breath and then turn blue these images flash in my mind everyday and nights are relentless. My whole family is broken we were all there that night I just don't think things are getting easier

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

startingnew — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 10:57:58 GMT

yeah i know PTSD is a terrible thing to deal with and it takes alot of time to get it easier. and most of the time the memoeries will still haunt us. have you spoken to a psychologist about your feelings and how to deal with them?

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

3T — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 11:15:03 GMT

Yes but that was the one who made the report. We still had a long way to go but I can't trust her anymore, the idea of starting with a new one is overwhelming its like starting at the beginning and I don't think I can

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

startingnew — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 11:23:16 GMT

sometimes going to a new psych can be a eye opener and give better advice.

i know its daunting- ive had to change 3 times already and about to change again

you dont have to start right from the beginning you can take it slow and jsut let little bits out at a time

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

3T — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 12:05:24 GMT

Thanks for your support . I think I will take a break for a bit with the psyc maybe see a gp for support

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

BballJ — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 13:06:20 GMT

Hi 3T,

Sorry to hear that the psych you felt let you down, in their defense, it sounded like they were just trying to help and avoid a situation more so than go behind your back, but I can see how it would make you feel. I do agree startingnew that seeing a new psychologist may be the way to go, it can take a while to find the right one as I said in my initial post, I understand you want to take a break and just see your GP, which is also fine but make sure you keep seeing them for support and don't try to battle it on your own. I would also suggest staying on the forums and talking here as much as you like, even if it's literally just to talk and get things of your mind. It's a great place to vent. Even checking the other parts of the forums too.

My best,

Jay

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

3T — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 13:18:33 GMT

Hi Jay

It just feels Like another barrier has been put in my way on this horrible journey of grief. There is always something.. today I received a letter from my bank reg my daughters bank account I told them that she died now I have to go and close her account they want proof of her death so I had to go through her things and get the death certificate and take it down there,each time i have to tell someone about her another part of me dies and I don't think its going to get any easier

somehow typing to strangers is easier than talking to friends ,

typing the words are easier than speaking them

Thank you for your support

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

BballJ — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 12:36:58 GMT

Hi 3T,

Wow, that would be hard! Can't believe they want you to produce that stuff just to close a bank account, do you have to close it? Might be easier to just leave it open until you feel you can go through and find it?

It is easier typing, I find it easier getting things out through typing. Speaking to strangers can be beneficial as well as you get a non-judgemental opinion as we don't know you but just your story. I wish I had some advice that would make you feel better but I can only offer my support.

My best,

Jay

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

Transformation — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 21:52:21 GMT

Hi 3T,

Am glad you've opened up to talk about your pain. V sorry to hear about your little girl. I cannot imagine how difficult it would have been for you & the flashbacks so v hard.

Having had years of different trauma's I can assure you that things do get better, the memories aren't that tough but it takes time. Go easy on yourself. Can you try by forgiving yourself? Wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug. There is a part of you that feels you failed and desperately needs to know your'e OK. You are a fine person, a good person & your little girl would hate to see you so hard on yourself.

I truly believe that when little babies or children pass away they are like little angels, they don't suffer, nor in pain but in a happy place.

It may be tough, but try if you are open to see your girl alive in heaven as an angel. I hope that image will give you comfort.

One day, when you can, imagine what would she tell you if she saw you so downcast and lost without a purpose? Imagine her giving you a tight cuddle and loving you. In spirit, she is always close to you & the wonderful good memories of her always available.

God bless and wish you a new journey ahead. I pray for a healing today.

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

3T — Thu, 13 Apr 2017 01:33:14 GMT

Hi Transformation

Thank you for your reply. I try to remember the good times but the PTSD only allows me to remember the night she died. I couldn't tell you how many times I've lost her over the last 3 years in my head , the flashbacks are daily . when I do manage to remember her it hurts just as bad because she's not here.

Thank you for your kind words

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

BballJ — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 12:51:21 GMT

Hi 3T,

You will get through this. That doesn't mean you have to ever forget about her or anything... it's just means life will someday get a little easier for you.

Always welcome to post here as much as you like.

My best,

Jay

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

Quercus — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 23:56:18 GMT

Hi 3T,

You haven't written in a while I was just wondering how you are holding up?

Do you think your partner would go to a new psychologist with you? At least then you'd have someone with you to support you and to help you explain when you aren't able to.

You mentioned it was your partner's drinking that led to the report being made, have they reached out for help too?

My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine the pain you all must be in. Please persevere with the doctors and psychologists. You said you have a 15 year old daughter she needs you too.

Thinking of you and hoping you feel able to keep writing. Take care of yourself please.

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

3T — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 06:47:22 GMT

Hi guys

Thanks for checking in and your kind words. I haveny been on much I've been avoiding life for the last week or so with easter . we only got a few good easter egg hunts with her because if her age she just started to understand in the easter bunny and what it all meant, so it has been really hard the last few days

i know it's probably not healthy but avoiding feels.easier at the time

My partner hasn't seeked help from anyone not through lack of me trying he thinks he can get through this with out it. Ive tried to get my daughter help but have found it difficult to find someone she likes and trusts , it sounds easy but it isn't

Thanks again for your replies xx

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

BballJ — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 13:22:08 GMT

Hi 3T,

It may not be healthy but you deal with it at your own pace, you don't have to race anybody to get better or feel a little bit of closure. We are just here to support you when you need support as well.

Please continue to post whenever you like.

My best,

Jay

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

3T — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 11:35:15 GMT

Hi jay

your support on here is great so thank you xx

I took the plunge and meet up with a new counsellor today.. She seemed really nice and we seem to be on the same page when it comes to outcomes and goals from the sessions , although I did have second thoughts as soon as I sat down I wanted to leave lol. I'm really glad I joined the forum too being able to speak to people with similar issues and life experiences is a real godsend even though we have had horrible things to deal with it makes u feel less alone, and I do find it easier than speaking to someone face to face I can be more honest here and not judged.

thanks again guys

kelly xx

I lost my 4-year-old daughter

Fairywings — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 11:45:57 GMT

Hi Kelly i'm Venessa nice to meet you. I hear how grief strickening losing a child can be i only got to carry my babies until they were 26weeks old, never had the chance to watch them grow into beautiful little people. I lost 4 in total 2 boys and 2 girls. They are with the angels above now just like your little angel xx In saying this I tried again and god gave me my boy i lost him at birth for 6 min at birth but then he came back to me - he is my special boy. I'm so sorry for your loss of your little girl . Grieving takes a lot of time be patient with yourself and take as long as you need too and never be too hard on yourself bc losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent. You will never be alone here, you will never be judged and you will always made to feel safe so please feel free to keep reaching out as often as you may need to xx Venessa