topic How Do I Process His Suicide in Grief and loss

How Do I Process His Suicide

Teash — Sat, 11 Nov 2017 18:44:45 GMT

My brother took his life on the 31/10/2017. I’m still in the process of organising his funeral, he is the 2nd brother in 2 years. My 1st brother, official coroner’s report stated “Death Due To Misadventure” he has self medicated his entire life, Bi-Polar was his official diagnosis, and now, my closest brother also end his life!! I battled his depression with him for years, I put my own PTSD and depression on the back burner to get him better, I couldn’t bear the thought of losing another brother!! I couldn’t bear the thought of having to tell my mother again and listen to that gut wrenching wail and her screaming we are lying to her! I promised my brother we would kick this together, and I dropped the ball... now I’m beginning to think, they should never have relied on me in the beginning, I tried so hard to protect them, their fellings, my mother, her “shame” you know, cause “Boys don’t cry” and all that!! I really don’t know how the hell im meant to move forward when I can’t process the fact he’s gone! I was only able to look at his photo yesterday, before that, I have stomped around making threats of violence to anyone who looks at me! I told my kids to stay away for a few days in case I said something I didn’t mean.... I can’t understand why he left me with this heartache! He knew how I felt! I would have hidden him forever!! I would have lied to everyone... if it meant keeping him here, I would have done it! Can someone please make sense of this!! I’m absolutely devastated

How Do I Process His Suicide

Croix — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 02:36:38 GMT

Dear Teash~

Saying I'm sorry is a hollow thing - even though I am. As someone who has been suicidal I can maybe understand a bit of both sides - you and your brother.

It sounds like you had been a big support for him, which is great, I had support too. Sadly when hurting and despairing one does not think of what is going to happen to those that are left. It is not selfishness, just an overwhelming desire to stop the hurt. It is a need that someone else cannot always prevent. It does not mean your brother did not love you or think of you, just the pain was too great.

It may by no comfort to you now but in such cases people almost always blame themselves deeply, and often latch onto an incident when they perceive they were at fault and blame themselves as a result. You are a human being and no amount of strength from you will make another stay on this earth if they decide not to.

In that situation you cannot drop the ball, it is not your actions but his. I get the feeling you were much on your own frantically trying to be the support, an unfair burden, even if you did shoulder it willingly. An effort by others should have been there, and by the sound of it your mother was not helping, maybe even making things worse.

From outside reading your words - and being affected by them - my big concern is that you will follow suit. Grief and despair come in waves as you well know, who can you be with to gain some comfort?

Telling your kids to keep a distance and making threats is all very normal and understandable. Learning how to deal with this fresh grief is not straightforward.

As someone who has been to the edge I can say small things can make life seem better and in time life can be a different world. Now I can say I'm glad I remained.

Please talk as much and as often as you need, you will not always get answers immediately, but we are here and do care

Croix

How Do I Process His Suicide

White_Rose — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 03:17:50 GMT

Dear Teash

I can feel your anguish in your post. It is so hard when you feel so raw but must still make arrangements. I am like Croix in that I was so close to dying. I know the pain I was experiencing just as Croix has described. Being in so much pain does not allow a person to think clearly, more probably does not allow them to think at all. And it's difficult to explain to another where this pain comes from or why it is so strong.

Reading your post I am full of sorrow for you, your brother and your family. Screaming in pain for your brother helps I understand but it frightens others. Can you talk to others who understand your hurt?

The blame is not yours and not really your brother's. There comes a time when we feel as though we have third degree burns and nothing will stop the hurting. It's a dreadful place to be in and your brother was trying to stop the hurt.

I want to echo Croix remark about you following your brother. Please keep in touch here. I want to give you a phone number of people that can help you more then we can, although I hope you will continue to post here. We can give you support and care. The Suicide Call Back Service helps those people thinking about suicide or who have tried to suicide. They are also skilled in helping the friends and family of those who have lost a loved one to suicide. The line is available 24/7 and the number is 1300 659 467. It's good to talk to those who know what you are going through. I hope you will allow them to help you.

You need to keep your children around you for comfort and because they are hurting also. To try so hard to keep your brother safe is a huge burden to carry on your own. This is the time you need to reach to others, although perhaps not your mom.

My dear Teash please hold on tight. You will get through this. You ask if we can make sense of this. There is no sense in the way you mean. There is no sense when someone becomes depressed. I know this is not making sense for you at the moment. It will later on. Please concentrate on the knowledge that your brother is no longer hurting and that he did not leave to give you this grief.

Please write here as much as you wish. We will answer as soon as possible. In the meantime try the Call Back service which will be another help and support for you.

We are here and we care very much about you.

Mary

How Do I Process His Suicide

demonblaster — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 05:21:22 GMT

Ahh Teash what terrible pain to be going through. I'm so sorry for that.

I too have been a few times to that point as White & Croix too, I have BP too & know how low it takes us & now know that was why

You did everything right by your brother Teash, you were there for him, put your issues aside & looked after him, that guilt's depression not how it is, you sound like an amazing sister. Don't wear that darl, the guilt.

Sounds like a very good idea to contact the suicide call back line that White suggested, & you'll always have here as often as you need we're here for you

(( If hugs help ))

How Do I Process His Suicide

Robbie_A — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 05:32:19 GMT

Dear Teash,

Im deeply sorry to hear about the loss of both your brothers,losing a sibling or parent is something we can never prepare ourselves for...and its something we dread..

You firstly are so courageous writting on this forum and asking for some kind of advice,and i honestly believe unless someone has been through it or experienced this in there life it is so hard to comprehend..

You had so much on your plate supporting your brother and mother and like me it is so easy to blame ourselves and what we didny do or couldve done better,but the reality is we did what we couldve at that time,i blamed myself for years with the sudden loss of my father and could never understand it.

We need to understand the pain they were in,and how they were suffering internally. It wasnt to hurt us or anyone else it was to escape themselves,and it is so sad to hear and i feel your pain..

There ia so much great support nowdays and whenever i see this in someone or someone asks for advice i realise now i cant rescue someone on my own and i lead them in the directions iv taken in the past..

I never believed in counsellors or theropist but now i see my religously and i have gottem so much growth in the last year.

You need time to mourn and remember,but just know your not alone and there is the hotline and these forums you can keep coming to for help amd advice..

I hope you have some good lovibg people around you to keep close by and always talk about it.. It helped me alot.

Goodluck Teash

And once again im sorrt for your loss

Robbie

How Do I Process His Suicide

Teash — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 12:27:43 GMT

Today has been filled with memories,tears,calls, messages,photos & of course,anger.I look around,& listen to people complain about trivial crap,I just want to scream at them to wake the hell up and see what’s really happening.My brother is gone! The world still and as I get closer to Tuesday,the more this knot in my gut is making me sick.my little sister came today,I forget she’s hurting & I want to protect her as well.my mum hasn’t spoken to me since I took her to the funeral home to “include” her in the arrangements.I’m trying to understand her pain,no parent should bury a child,let alone 2!But,as bad as this sounds, she didn’t know my Boo,she didn’t know his secrets.and she has told other family members straight up lies about me!I’m telling everyone to be gentle with her,she lost 2 sons,but what the hell have I done so wrong! I know Boo would be in my corner setting her straight.but he’s not here. I feel as though I have spent my entire life tolerating her poison but protecting her at the same time.I have thick skin,but I want her to see the hurt she’s doing to me,then I’m the same breathe, I don’t, cause she is my mother, and I don’t want her to hurt,it’s a vicious circle.it has been my whole life, I’ve only ever “done good” & tried my best,Boo fought the fight as well we always checked in with each other and tossed her comments aside, and didn’t let it sting.. he would get so frustrated,I said to my sister today,how did our family get so broken!my kids r amazing!my boys are aloud to cry,we have no secrets,even though me and their dad r no longer together, we are a team.they are our kids we brought them into this world, we would never try to poison their relationship. it makes no sense.Got call from the funeral home today,do I want Boo clean shaven??that broke me,I had to reply for my brother, & now, as I sit here, knowing he is alone, in a box, not breathing... it physically hurts every inch of my soul.I’m so scared about letting go and giving I’m to my tears,scared they won’t stop... then what? My mum will pick me up?mum will let me grieve?I’m already awaiting the next “discussion” about his ashes & where he will go,I know it’ll be ugly, I shouldn’t have to fight for my brother like this,he shouldn’t be in that box.he should be here,throwing his hands in the air and trying to make sense of it with me.it seems so unreal & REALLY unfair,not for me,for my brothers..for my kids,it’s too much hurt, they shouldn’t have to go through this, no one should

How Do I Process His Suicide

demonblaster — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 13:05:52 GMT

Thats so right Teash, it's sooo unfair, no one should have to go through it.

So much pain.

My heart truly goes out to you.

How Do I Process His Suicide

Teash — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 15:03:01 GMT

Thankyou for listening... ❤️

How Do I Process His Suicide

White_Rose — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 16:25:35 GMT

Dear Teash

I think it's good your sister is around to be with you. You cannot protect her from the pain she is experiencing but you can support each other. It is good to remember your brother through stories and photos though it may be a bit soon. Perhaps after Tuesday you will be more able to talk about him. I hope after the funeral your family and friends can get together to console each other as much as possible.

There must come a time when you let your mom go. Admit she is hurting you and stay away. I think no matter what you do it sounds as though she will continue to harm you. It is dreadful but there is nothing you can do except stay out of contact. You cannot protect everyone so let your mom deal with this without you. You have enough to deal with and you cannot carry the burden of every other person's pain.

Selfish though it may appear (and it's not) you need to concentrate on you and your children. May I ask how old are your boys?

The phone call from the funeral home must have been difficult. Calls like this come out of left field and set us right back to the start. You can certainly do without this. This part will soon be over and you can start to heal.

Mary

How Do I Process His Suicide

Teash — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 17:20:48 GMT

my boys are actually men.. they’re 22 & 19.I am SO proud of how they have handled themselves,I was out the front of my mums house, after reporting my brother missing,running up and down streets & beaches with his photo,I saw the patrol car,my heart stopped, 2 officers got out,. I knew by the look on their face,I threw my phone and ran,screaming at them to GO &“don’t say it!” I passed out on the footpath,I came to,they were still there.They were amazing, I was screaming NO NO PLEASE NO,they dropped to their knees & stayed on the path with me, just being there, answering my questions through my cries,I rang my son,he wa there within 10 mins, he cradled me and held me so tight,my 19 year old pulled up, & did the same. My 22 year old took the male officer to the side & found out the details of his death,then told him, I’ll tell my mum, she still cries for my Uncle John, she can’t hear this, He told me to stay out the front, & he went in and told his nan (my Mum) he protected me from that, then my 19 year old, told the police,he has to go to his Aunts (my sis) & tell her, my mum has been through enough,he drove to her house & brought her back after breaking the news to her & held her close.My 2 Beautiful boys kept the details from me for 3 days, until they thought I could handle it.my.Then my eldest dealt with the detectives,took them to my brothers room to collect his phone etc,shielded my mum from that, then 2 days later, went to the coroner’s office to identify his Uncle. To do that to protect me is the most selfless,caring empathetic acts I’ve ever known from 2 loving young men. I am in awe.They have “babysat” me, let me cry, scream,be angry all the while,supporting each other & listening to the grief and heartbreak I deal with from my family.2 know I’ve raised men like that is the best thing I have ever done in my life.Like I said,our boys were raised to never hide your feelings,talk to us if they’re ever in need & know that we are on their side.Unlike how I was raised.They saw &heard 1st hand (I’ve always shielded them out of embarrassment of my family’s behaviour, attitudes judgments)the backstabbing verbal abuse I’ve had to live with,then be as nice as pie to my face 5 mins later.They were & still are hurting for me.they have compassion like their Uncle,that’s why they were so close.For the first time, I realise I have 2 “men” standing strong & supporting me.They r amazing.They r my heart ❤️

How Do I Process His Suicide

geoff — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 17:22:19 GMT

dear Teash, I'm lost for words except to say how deeply and sincerely sorry I am to hear that your brother, another one has taken his life.
The pain, the hurt, the lack of knowledge why did this ever have to happen and the lack of knowing why didn't he tell you, because you were both so very close and you were there for him in every step of the way, is something that you will never be able to come to grips with.
Unfortunately this will affect all your family, your mother in many different ways, not how you would expect them to, but people suffer in different formats, unusual at times, but not how many of us grieve, but that's their own way and we can't take this away from them, that's how they need to do it, just like people can celebrate in unusual ways, there is no general rule and no there never should be.
My heart opens up to you, and my shoulder is here to lean on, and I profoundly hear the pain you are going through, so my deepest sorrow for you and the rest of the family for this most difficult time. Geoff.

How Do I Process His Suicide

Teash — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 19:07:01 GMT

Thankyou so much for your kind words.. you are so right. We all grieve in different ways.. I feel for my mum, I really do, she has lost 2 sons, that breaks my heart, the pain she would be feeling would be immeasurable compared to what I’m feeling.. I couldn’t even imagine, I don’t even want to think of it.. BUT, I just wish she would be “the mamma” of our family and help us all heal together, let us cry together, let us support each other, I don’t understand how our family ended up like this.. I constantly tried to keep everyone happy, communicating(I’m 1 of 9) but it was a never ending battle in itself.. it’s only been in the last 7 months I’ve actually stopped caring why my older sister has stopped talking to me AGAIN! we don’t even live in the same state for god sake, so it’s not like I annoy her! As much as she would hate this, she is so much like our Mum it’s scarey.. continually causing drama and conflict! I just don’t get it! I would lay awake at night trying to figure out what I did wrong, then, BAM, she would start talking me again! She ignored Boo for close to 25 years! She is grieving, grieving for the guilt she carries for turning he back on Boo & our other brother John.. I don’t understand how, as a woman, as a MOTHER as a sister, WHY THE HELL U WOULD TURN UR BACK IF YOUR SIBLING WAS FIGHTING A BATTLE AGAINST HIS DEMONS & BEGGING FOR HELP, ACCEPTANCE & LOVE!

I don’t wish bad will on her, I can’t shes my sister, but the ping of guilt she feels at night, I hope it her reminder not to be so bloody judgmental and cold.. it hurts my heart knowing her soul is so poisoned 😢

How Do I Process His Suicide

geoff — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 19:34:00 GMT

dear Teash, I believe you and understand everything you've said, and you ask questions about the rest of your family trying to work out why they are like this, unfortunately you will never know the answer to all the concerns and questions you torment yourself over, they don't seem to be reasonable and no, they probably won't ever be answered, but I commend you on what you have done for Boo and John and compliment on the strength you are showing, sure it may not feel as though you're strong, but it only needs someone like you to show the lead here, I'm sure Boo would be so proud of you.
Can I suggest that you look after yourself before anybody else, because what they say or do doesn't agree with you, and from what you have told us, they certainly aren't doing the right thing, maybe it's your mum's way of grieving, but you are special here, so just take care of yourself, that's what Boo would want I'm sure. Geoff.

How Do I Process His Suicide

Teash — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 20:45:03 GMT

Day 13 without Boo, Year 2 Week 2 without John..

The beginning of a new week, the never ending tears, hurt and questions continue

another bloody night of waking, thinking , searching and getting nonwhere,

today I finish my farewell speech, tomorrow I say Goodbye to Boo. 💔💔💔

💔💔💔💔

How Do I Process His Suicide

demonblaster — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 21:50:39 GMT

Teash Ii was thinking your dear brother left with such pure & complete love from you. Both by the sounds & reciprocated

They'll always be in your heart

Thoughts & care

How Do I Process His Suicide

White_Rose — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 22:19:27 GMT

Dear Teash

Reading how much your sons have helped made me feel proud of you and the way you have brought up your family. Your sons are wonderful to take care of you as well as they have. What a great family.

Geoff is right, everyone grieves in a different way. Whether or not your mom and sister are grieving is not your problem. They will manage and you must allow yourself to grieve and manage also. With two lovely sons by your side and I think you mentioned a younger sister plus your former husband who will support you. Please lean on them and let yourself mourn. It is a hard path to travel and I grieve for you.

Geoff has written such compassionate words and I want to add myself to his post. Please look after yourself. Come here to scream and shout. We are listening and offer you as much care as we can.

Mary