topic Losing a child in Grief and loss

Losing a child

white knight — Sun, 05 Nov 2017 10:53:49 GMT

Please bare with me on this difficult of all topics.

If someone has never parachuted, how can they describe the event to someone that has never jumped? A soldier in war describing it...painting the picture?

We all have various experiences that define us as unique. So when it comes to losing a child parents often describe it as "indescribable". How can they paint that picture?

Most of us have experienced grief, the loss of a loved one but to lose a child is, it seems, on a higher plain.

As I've worked with victims of crime one challenge has been to find ways of obtaining relief from such grief. We as humans cant possibly compare grieving circumstances of such loss except that anger would rate as an added emotion with some. Anger at a perpetrator or someone seemingly or directly responsible can envelop a parent creating unimaginable intetnal anguish.

Getting a life back following such loss is often most difficult. The first rule of thumb is to have no rules. No expectations. Gentle ears, calm, waiting for that one signal that is positive towards moving forward with day to day activity.

There are ways to lose a child other than death. I've lost a neice to a cult. At 14yo she ran away from blood family. She's now 33yo, has children of her own and is estranged from most blood family still. Imagine the hurt the parents and 5 siblings feel? Their child still lives but near zero chance of reconciling. ..is also a unique form of grief. How empty?

Ive found there is not any "best practice" to move forward and pick up pieces of ones life to become productive following the loss of a child. One way to help is devoting ones life towards helping others in the name and honour of their child. A cause.

Memorials are common. Honouring your child's life by deeds, in a way allowing your childs life to result in a positive project of some sort of your choice doesn't have to be public if you prefer it to remain private. Grief can be very private or maybe public especially if fundraising.

My good neighbours son passed away in a car accident. Days later his daughter in law had items owned by his son to collect. Amongst them were 50 potted rose plants his son prepared. His son adored roses. He took them home, planted them in a special garden, takes cuttings and pots them for others in town. He never takes one cent.

This small hamlet in spring is adorned with his sons roses. Wow!

Most of us cant relate to losing a child. We can find a way of their memory to live on.

Tony WK

Losing a child

Guest_128 — Sun, 05 Nov 2017 11:05:26 GMT

Thankyou,

My silent child,🌹😪

Losing a child

blondguy — Sun, 05 Nov 2017 12:10:50 GMT

Dear Tony

That was heartbreaking to read. I cant even begin to imagine whats thats like.

I would be an empty shell Tony if that was my niece. To mourn or grieve would be an ongoing form of severe depression.

This is your thread Tony and forgive me for quoting a little of what you said..." One way to help is devoting ones life towards helping others in the name and honour of their child. A cause"

What a sad yet beautiful thread...Paul

Losing a child

white knight — Mon, 06 Nov 2017 12:18:51 GMT

Thankyou Paul for your comments.

Dory, I hope I didnt upsrt you. If ever you need to talk...talk away.

Im here for you all.

Tony WK

Losing a child

Guest_128 — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 10:17:51 GMT

Smokey, you didn't and I don't think you could upset me.

Just can't talk!

Have you started new van yet?

Dory,here have some 🍩 Say hey to ya beautiful wife,um Carol? Lucky girl.

Losing a child

MissMySon — Sat, 18 Nov 2017 04:09:28 GMT

My Ex and I Lost one of our twins, he was stillborn. In the 3 1/2 years since, we fought a lot, and in the end our relationship exploded and collapsed. I feel like all the hurt and sadness we both felt was aimed at each other, unintentionally, as we really loved each other, but, just didnt know how to heal ourselves. Now 3 months after our separation, I feel I am grieving again, except, Its for my surviving son, who I now cant see, and the realization that I'll never be with my son 24/7 again. How do I cope? I feel no joy, I feel guilty when I should be enjoying the moments that seem great to others. Its like a total relapse. I have let him down. I hate myself

Losing a child

white knight — Sat, 18 Nov 2017 09:28:22 GMT

HI MMS, thanks for replying.

Sad to hear you cannot see your son. When and if you'r ready you might explain why.

It might help if I explain that altjough I havent lost a child, I'm estranged from my youngest (24) and the period 14yo and beyond was harrowing. She was influenced, no brain washed by her mother. I was demonised.

Prior to that in 1996 when she was 4 and her older sister 7, I had no option but to leave their mother following 11 years of emotional abuse.

This us the serious bit...a week prior to leaving I went down the road of planning my demise. My one sudden thought tha t saved me was "better to be a part time dad, than no dad at all."

So I left and a 3 metre van in a caravan park was my home for 18 months until I'd built my home by myself.

I contacted "dads in distress" and got some support there. They are also on facebook.

I can very much relate to you missing your son. So I'm hoping you'll think positive thoughts on the day you'll reunite, that will happen. It will happen.

Until then, and it could be a lomg time, you owe it to him, as you surely know, to hang around.

So in the meantime here are some threafs I wrote pertaining to that situation. Please read the first post of each thread and get out of them what you can to help.

Use google

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Topic: inexpensive recovery idea, camping- beyondblue

Topic: guilt the tormentor- beyondblue

Topic: planning a healthier mind- beyondblue

Topic: focus and never ever give up- beyondblue

Topic: depression, distraction and variety- beyondblue

Repost anytime. And remember, you can never be replaced.

Tony WK

Losing a child

MissMySon — Sun, 19 Nov 2017 11:34:10 GMT

Thanks for the suggestions.

Why I cant see my son. After years of emotional and physical abuse and control, yet another argument ensued in which the sights turned on me and how I am responsible for all that is wrong. Things were thrown at me, and I lost my composure and broke a chair. She told the police that I hit her. I got arrested and AVO. Now I'm in the process of legal aid, for which I am very grateful, but is a very slow process. Its eating my heart out.

Losing a child

white knight — Sun, 19 Nov 2017 13:27:20 GMT

Thanks mms,

Ok, we'll let the courts deal with that.

I would see a family solicitor. Regardless of ABO that should not stop you seeing your son.

Do that and if you want, contact dads in distress

get active.

Good luck

Tony WK

Losing a child

white knight — Tue, 12 Feb 2019 05:19:37 GMT

Hi everyone,

I thought I'd resurrect this thread. Last night I began to think about my estranged daughter now 26yo. We haven't seen each other for a couple of years and before that 10 years.

I couldn't sleep. So I got on the computer. I have a couple of now friends that I befriended when they were victims of crime. One lost two daughters around 2005 to crime. So I wrote another poem. That makes about 70 in 13 years to their parents. The reason for mentioning this isn't praise but as one example of the way to channel energy and use distraction for a better good.

SAFETY IN A STORM

Its been such a long long time since it all began
When all that shook your world – hard to understand
Since then your life has been covered by a singing song
Lyrics make a lot of sense where loved ones can belong

The ladies in your life share their shoulders when you cry
And every night your girls hug you and never say goodbye
The warmth of every woman that knows that story since
Reach out with open arms with tears, dropping as they blink

All the time there are men that cradle their beating hearts
But at the same time their protection never parts
All us men that appear as if we are the norm
Want to carry your precious girls through every epic storm

But they have their dad that does that job so well
And his chest does expand like a show and tell
Those stars he sees every second night still blink with pride and joy
Ballerinas spin around and dancing is still a joy

We men also have times where tears well and we cannot see
We are unashamed of how we are traditionally meant to be
All that matters is that both are carried to that park
Where the sun shines every day even when it’s dark

There’s now a memorial in the town tattooed in their name
Of all the things life can throw how grateful we’re are the same
We all idolise your girls and our lives will never part
What an honour it is to carry them …to the safety of our hearts….

TonyWK
12/2/2019

I sent that poem to the mother and father of the two ladies concerned. Then at 6am went to bed. Their mother sent me a message later with her gratitude.

Channeling is an art. To seek out a way of releasing anger, fear, grief and trauma. To turn around bad news and make it better...even a little bit. Then, I get back to normal and wait for the next time I think of my daughter.

Losing a child is hard. But there is a life to be led. I don't stew over things too long that I have no control over.

TonyWK

Re: Losing a child

HelloGail — Thu, 16 Mar 2023 01:02:44 GMT

Hi White Knight

Thank you for those words, it really does help. While I am researching my mother's family history, I have been helping others with theirs and it has kept my mind from wondering. Though my daughter is estranged from me, I shall still keep her belongings here should she one day reconcile. I have kept diaries from the day she was born to now. Maybe one day after I've passed she may read them and remember the good times and not the bad.

When my dog passed I planted a shrub and it is a lovely way of helping with grief and I know by what you said about the roses. It sounds lovely. Thank you.

Re: Losing a child

white knight — Tue, 28 Mar 2023 10:48:29 GMT

Hi hello Gail

I'm sorry it's been 2 weeks since you posted.

Keeping a diary, what a thoughtful mum you are. See nobody can take that away from you, estranged or not you embrace your motherhood and hold it dear.

Did your daughter stop visiting? Only talk if you are comfortable. For many of us the topic is tender. My youngest now 29yo is like her mum, toxic, narcissistic... very sad for me to even think about her.

TonyWK