topic Dad just took his own life in Grief and loss

Dad just took his own life

Drewboy — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 12:32:08 GMT

My dad took his own life two weeks ago. There was no warning. He always seemed happy. No one I've spoken to had any insight that this would happen. It has shaken me to my core. I keep asking him why but get no answer. My uncle (his brother) also took his own life 10 years ago, and I've learned their father was also a recluse who basically drank himself to death. I can feel depression pulling at me. On top of being unable to believe my dad is gone, and how he did it, I am also thinking that I will be next. Clearly, it runs in the males in the family. This scares me so bad. Having daily anxiety attacks. Scared of where this will all lead, but not showing anyone to be strong for the family. Just can't believe this is happening. It's like a nightmare I want to wake up from.

Dad just took his own life

Starwolf — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 01:40:06 GMT

Good to meet you Drewboy, though I wish it would be in different circumstances. Welcome to the forums.

What a terrible thing to happen, no wonder you are feeling shaken. I'm glad you are courageously reaching out and sharing your concerns.

There seems to be a history of depression running within your family. Unlike feeling depressed (a passing state), depression is a medical condition. It should be considered and treated as such. Like all medical conditions, it will not disappear if ignored. It can deteriorate, sometimes to the point where Life no longer appeals.

The good news is, you don't have to be next. The cycle can be broken and I hope you will be the one to do it. With the right help, support and treatment, mental illness can be managed and kept in check. Quality of life and peace of mind can be reclaimed. Those are your birthright. So please take good care of yourself and be proactive about this. Booking a long GP appointment would be a wise first step. Depressive conditions are unfortunately not uncommon so a doctor will point you in the right direction. You could do the K10 test (top left of this page in the Facts section) for depression anxiety. It doesn't replace proper diagnosis but your results could be handed over to your GP.

One of the main issues is that the stigma attached is often self-imposed. Because it affects the mind, people think they ought to be able to do something about it. It is totally wrong. It is something happening to you, not caused by some weakness or flaw of character. Keeping things under wraps denies you valuable support. Your loved ones can be informed about what it is you are really up against.

Wouldn't you have preferred your father to be more open about the fact he was struggling ? Struggling alone is too difficult and unnecessary. Putting a mask over it only leads to exhaustion and despair.

Meanwhile, gathering as much info as possible would be the way to go. Navigating these forums is a terrific start. Well done for joining the community.

Dad just took his own life

geoff — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 02:18:20 GMT

oh my goodness, this must be such a terrible shock for you Drewboy, and can I say how sincerely sorry I feel for you, I know it's something you can never know why, and the questions you are asking yourself may not be answered, but it doesn't mean that you have to be next at all, there are ways for you to put a halt to all of this, it doesn't have to continue on.
Starwolf has put the words down for you to keep reading, and yes you are so strong for reaching out to us, you don't know how much that does please us, and because you have, means that you are determined that you don't want this to keep going on, and it can be stopped and you are probably the strong one in your family to end all of this, it can be stopped and please do what Starwolf has mentioned.
I hope that you can please get back to us, if not now, but in a day or so, but preferable not too soon, you will have many people who will click onto your comment when they logon,please remember we know how you feel, so can we help you and stop this. Geoff.

Dad just took his own life

Neil_1 — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 03:31:19 GMT

Hi DrewBoy,

Like the others, I too am very sorry to hear of this terribly sad loss of yours. And as you’ve mentioned, it came out of the blue, seemingly happy and no warning, which would make it all the more harder to deal with.

You’ve received some good advice already about seeking out your own professional assistance – and this can certainly be used in seeking out your own counselling on how to cope, as this is still only very new and still extremely raw for you.

I’m guessing that the rest of your family would be in their own private hells at the moment too … these times can be a time where the family can unite and pull together and be there for supports for each other. I do hope you’ve got that situation available.

Please do keep posting. We’re always here for you.

Kind regards

Neil

Dad just took his own life

Drewboy — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 07:06:16 GMT

Thankyou everyone for reaching out with your comments and advice. Even though it has been two weeks since my dad passed, I don't feel I've had time to grieve as I've been providing a huge amount of emotional support to mum and did the lion's share of organising the funeral and then sorting through dad's stuff. Man, that felt awful. He'd left everything there, as if he was at work and would be home that night. I felt like an intruder going through his stuff. I don't think I'm over that yet.

I am seeing about talking to a psychologist soon, but I just feel in a daze. One part of my brain knows this is reality and it has forever changed my life. Another part of me wants to bury it all and pretend it never happened. I wonder if I'll ever get over the feeling of wanting to know why he did it. Cancer, dementia, even a car crash - these things I can 'understand' if you know what I mean. But suicide - I just can't understand why he did it. Why didn't he call me? It's making me want to question everything I knew about him, and that is a place I really don't want to go because he was an amazing father.

Dad just took his own life

Starwolf — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 08:09:39 GMT

Grieving is a painful process that cannot be fast forwarded. There is no right or wrong way of going about it. It is very much an individual matter. Please try to be kind to yourself and give it time. What your family needs right now is support and TLC. You included.

Losing a loved one to suicide makes it all the more devastating. Like many who are struggling with a negative state of mind, your father thought his silence was protecting you. He didn't want to burden you with what he considered a personal issue. The same reason why you are putting on a brave face for your loved ones. This was of course his misconception but the wounded mind thinks in a distorted manner.

Unless one acknowledges depression for what it is, there is no way of knowing how and why it affects us. Many feel too embarrassed to be open about it, thinking they are somehow responsible...at fault for not being able to work things out. What is often overlooked is the fact that the mind depends on the brain for good functioning. And the brain is just another body part.

This doesn't take anything away from your Dad being an amazing father. He did what he thought was a solution at the time. He could see no other.

I am relieved to read that you are considering seeing a therapist. Being strong for the family means being open about what you are going through. Daily anxiety attacks can play havoc with every area of life. A psychologist will help you manage those crises. Anxiety is usually triggered by some kind of trauma, in your case your father's passing away in awful circumstances.

Please take care and allow others to take care of you too.

Dad just took his own life

Drewboy — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 08:45:07 GMT

Thanks for the advice Starwolf. I feel awful for saying this, but there's so much going on in my life that my anxiety levels have been steadily increasing the last couple of years. This has now just set it to an all-time high and I think deep down I'm so scared of losing control. Part of me is angry at my dad for doing this, but also for doing this now when I really didn't need any more stress. I feel awful saying that because it makes me sound so selfish, and I am ashamed to even think it.

I guess I just wish I'd had a chance to stop him, or at least say goodbye. I don't know - there are so many conflicting thoughts in my head right now. I can't hear them all.

Dad just took his own life

Guest_128 — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 11:44:24 GMT

I am so sad, I would like to wrap you up in a very fluffy blanket and just squeeze you tight.

This pain is going to take time to move forward.

None of it is your fault, and you could not of changed it.

Your Dad is at peace now. It was his choice, try to accept his final choice. You will never really know his pain.

I truly wish I could take your pain away, but I can't.

All we can do for you is just be here.

Is fried I know, I have been there.

Dory

Dad just took his own life

Drewboy — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 01:55:46 GMT

Thank you Dory. I'm trying to work out how to move forward and not let dark thoughts get me down. Trying to work out how to pick up my life where I left off. Haven't found an answer yet.

Dad just took his own life

Guest_128 — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 08:28:52 GMT

Hey Drew,

How was today?

Have you had any progress with seeing some professionals?

I don't know if we have told you that it is totally ok for you to be feeling and thinking all these things.

Dory

Dad just took his own life

White_Rose — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 10:11:52 GMT

Hello Drewboy

I am sorry you have been in this dreadful place and I wish it were not so. Such a shocking thing to be told, no wonder you feel as you do. It is normal so do not add more sorrow to your life. If a family member had died of something else you would still mourn but not with the feeling of devastation you are experiencing. Please be a little kind to yourself.

I will tell you that I was in the same place as your dad. I have no idea if my emotions and thoughts were the same as his, but I suspect there was a similar thread. Starwolf has asked if you would have wanted your dad to tell you about his pain and this is right. Reach out to your family. It would not surprise me if you found others were thinking the same thing. I was like your dad, not wanting to be a burden to my family, not wanting them to feel they had to look after me and deeply ashamed that I felt this way.

You do not need to face this alone. I think your life will settle a little after the funeral and you and your family can start to manage the whole thing. It will take time but days will get better and you will find yourself coping with the day to day problems. Being angry with someone who has died is normal. The more we loved them the harder it seems to live without them, no matter what caused their death.

We all wish we had the opportunity to say our goodbyes and you feel regret badly because you had no idea what was going to happen. Your dark thoughts are also normal as you struggle to make sense of what has happened. It does not mean you will follow your dad. Please make an appointment with a psychologist soon and start talking about your grief and loss.

Picking up your life is probably not working at the moment and trying to make yourself do so will cause more pain and disgust with yourself. I know it is easy to say let it go, and this is not possible just now, but you will find the pain and disappointment will gradually fade away.

May I suggest your family has a get together in a few months time and talk about your dad and how much he meant to you. It helps when the emotions have lost some of their rawness to talk, perhaps even laugh though I suspect you believe you will not laugh again. But that's for the future.

See a psychologist, be as open as you can. No use pretending you are coping. Just say how you feel.

Mary

Dad just took his own life

quirkywords — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 10:23:55 GMT

Drewboy

I Amos sorry about your dad.

I dont know a lot but I know everyone grieves in a different day and it takes time. Things won't be the same again and you need to be kind to yourself. Don't rush yourself , in time you will work out what to do.It is great you are supporting your mum but you need to look after yourself - the usual make sure you are eating and sleeping well and are getting enough exercise.

Others here are very wise and given you very good advice.

I just wanted to you are in my thoughts.

Quirky

Dad just took his own life

white knight — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 11:56:28 GMT

Hi Drew boy

You have chosen well to come here. Such a loving bunch.

My brother in 1979 and uncle in 2003 both passed on the same way. I was 23 yo when my bro left us. Mum and dad grieved so much it was me that put on the brave mask...for 6 months before it got to me. Grieve at your own pace

Those male family members, theyarent you. Each generation has different challenges. As long as you take precautions, look after yourself, all will be ok.

Take care.Dedicate things to your dads memory and remember his wonder.

OLD PORCH CHAIR

In an old porch chair

Where my dad once sat

A smoke in his hand

And slippers on a mat

As I dug my garden

He'd be watching me

And I'd return that smile instantly

I now cherish that old porch chair

Where my dad once sat

No longer a smoke in his hand

But my slippers are on that mat...

Tony WK

Dad just took his own life

Drewboy — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 04:22:15 GMT

Thank you Tony. Your poem is beautiful. I am deeply sorry to hear of the losses in your life of your brother and uncle. Someone today told me that we feel our ageing most when the death of a parent brings the rotation of generations into clear view. Today I'm feeling how the one constant male presence in my life is no longer there. I know we all must go through similar events, but a suicide...I honestly can't think of anything worse for the people left behind.

I had so many things I wanted to show him and enjoy life with him more. He knew all this but it wasn't enough, and now it will never be. Such a loss of possibilities.

Dad just took his own life

Drewboy — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 04:27:11 GMT

Hi Dory,

I've made an appointment with a psychologist next week. Hopefully I'll be feeling better by then to talk more freely.

Thanks again for your message.

Dad just took his own life

Drewboy — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 04:35:24 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thank you for sharing your story. It totally fits my dad's personality that he wouldn't want to burden any of us with his problems, so suffered alone. But this is heartbreaking to me as I thought we could talk about anything. If only he did, I'm sure I could have stopped this. I hurts me deeply to know he suffered alone, perhaps for years.

Trying to get back into my life is proving very hard. I've managed to get an appointment to see a psychologist next week so I'm hoping that will help.

Dad just took his own life

Drewboy — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 04:39:27 GMT

Thank you Quirky. You are right - things aren't the same and I can see right now I'm trying to make them be the same as before, but it's impossible. I'm finding it very difficult to talk to people face to face. Online is my only outlet right now - thank the stars for beyondblue!

Dad just took his own life

white knight — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 03:25:01 GMT

Hi Drewboy

Im glad you liked my poems.I've found writing helps.

I think I've coped better by stopping myself from analysing the why. I find its better to try to accept they werent well. You can do your own head in trying to figure out things. The fact that is clearest to me is they werent thinking at all about family, the future they could have or anything rational.

Also I distanced myself from thoughts of me doing the same act. I'm an individual. I am not like my uncle for example in that I wasnt a soldier in ww2 nor fought on the kokoda track.

Where I have made a connection to my brother and uncle is that I have similar mental sensitivities and fragility. That means taking preventative measures to safeguard myself.

For example, a few years from now you have a major trauma in your life. You might be wise to seek support from professionals and return to a forum like this. Talking about things might be your "bandage" that your dad didnt recognise as being crutial.

In a way we go through stages..of why, anger, analysing, acceptance blame maybe and regret. A mix that isnt present in other grief like an old age death.

So I hope you remember some key points

You are not your dad but take precautions during challenges like trauma

Grieve in your own way, in your own time

Try writing, drawing, poetry or your own way to assist in not only the grief process but your own way of honouring your father. Eg My neighbour took a rose cutting from his sons garden and dedicates a corner as "Daniels corner"

Try not to analyse. He was not well

Talk to others as you are doing here. Well done

Tony WK

Dad just took his own life

White_Rose — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 04:21:08 GMT

Hello Drewboy

There is not much to add to Tony's comments. I am fighting a battle with myself because I am finding it hard to accept an unpalatable event. I can't change it or modify it. The decision was taken for me without any discussion and with assumptions that were incorrect. Like you I am saying why and getting very distressed about the whole thing. It isn't helping me and is very unfair. Much like you and your father. I know I need to learn this is the way it is. Very difficult. So give yourself space and time to grieve.

It is heartbreaking I know. As I said in my previous post, try to remember the good times. Remember the things he enjoyed with you. I think I am losing the plot at the moment. I was certain someone had written that they had taken a rose from a parent's garden, made a space for this rose and called it ....'s garden. This is a good idea wherever I saw it. Can you make a small garden filled with dad's favourites or perhaps simply plants that seem to epitomise him. A couple of chairs and sit there to think of him in peace and quiet. Perhaps a beer as well. Go gently with yourself.

Mary

Dad just took his own life

okadoka — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 12:42:52 GMT

Sorry for your loss.

No, you are not next, don't let that thought trap you.