topic Sudden loss of father in Grief and loss

Sudden loss of father

Rhuggins — Fri, 14 Apr 2017 11:27:20 GMT

My father, who was also my best friend, passed away suddenly just over a week ago. We have been extremely close since my mother passed away from cancer when I was 18. The ambulance I called was unable to get to him as his house is hard to access, I ended up finding him unresponsive, they said it was a heart attack. He has a long and complicated medical history and has survived a heart attack before. I am having flashbacks to finding him and trying to wake him and am experiencing extreme feelings of guilt for not getting to him soon enough, I had spoken to him a few hours earlier and he said he was short of breath and to see if he could move his doctor's appointment a few days earlier, they couldn't and said if he should go to hospital, he said he would see how he went, I kept calling him every 20 minutes and he eventually said he would get ready to go to hospital and call me back. He didn't and I couldn't get a hold of him so I called and told the ambulance to go there. I feel that I should have known how serious it was and ignored him telling me he was ok and just got them there earlier, I was at work about half an hour away on the train which is why it took me awhile to get to him. I miss him so much and whilst my husband (who was also very close to my dad) is being amazing, my mentally disabled sister who was in my dad's care has come to live with us and he is great with her, I can't see how I will ever feel ok again and be able to move on. It feels like a piece of me has died with him. I am seeing a counsellor on Tuesday but just wanted to speak to someone who knows how I feel before then as I'm really not coping. Thanks

Sudden loss of father

white knight — Fri, 14 Apr 2017 12:11:28 GMT

Hi,
welcome

My sympathies.

I lost my dad in 1992 aged 64, heart attack.
I saw him in the evening. He was his usual joking self. So after he passed what
did I ask myself? Why didnt I stay all night?

And so this self blaming is normal and unreasonable for ourselves. We search for
answers that are not there. Time to be kind to yourself.
How can you help yourself? For me it was writing. Poetry. Dedicating a rose in your garden or
adopting some of his ways. With the passing of a lived one there is little you
can do.
Here are a few poems as examples. You have not only been a wonderful daughter but you are taking over his
task if caring for your sister. He would be so proud

TO KISS HIS TEMPLE

There were some things I knew as taboo

to express my love but to question who?

to touch the pale face of my dad back then

when touching taboo...when "men were men"

For boys were male and "you cant do that"

jealous of my sister and that is that

that man couldnt hug his son for how he was seen

nowadays if you hugged your son- well, you'd be relieved.

And so my dad the salt of the land

wouldnt touch me even by hand

he knew he loved me and I him

with a wink of an eye from under his brim

Then that day we all regret came along

where watery eyes was met by song

and there he lie with an eerie smile

I be alone with him for just a while.

As I stroked his forehead cool to touch

I raised my head automatically as such

to kiss his temple of which I dare

I knew his mind was well aware.

Of all the kisses I missed

they gathered together in just one kiss

finally as his spirit rose and went

he left his love and hugs were spent

I never craved again heart be blessed

that tradition of males their love expressed

a kiss on his forehead way back then

ended an era when "men were men"

Dads wrinkles

Soon it became obvious

as my dad came of age

that the strain of life itself

did complete another page

And as his book filled up

to approach the final scene

I knew each wrinkle on his face

and which ones came from me

And as I read the last line

of the chapter not complete

it tells of his twilight years

that he knew he'd never meet

Dad was never scared to pass away

he faced it brave and strong

and I did knew each wrinkle on his face

and where they did come from.

hugs Tony WK

Sudden loss of father

white knight — Fri, 14 Apr 2017 12:21:27 GMT

Oh, a bit more information

Google these

Topic: coping with grief- beyondblue

Topic: making sense of grief- beyondblue

The following might help you relax and value your time

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Post anytime. Our community champions and other members are usually not far away.

Tony WK

Sudden loss of father

geoff — Fri, 14 Apr 2017 19:46:09 GMT

hello Rhuggins, my sincere condolences for the loss of your father, something that you are going to grieve over for a long time, and there will be many reminders of what the two of you and then the three of you including your husband had done in so many different situations that will crop up every now and then, but at the present time much more frequently.
When you father passes away there will be so much sorrow for him not being there when you really want him to be, to discuss a topic which you needed his guidance, experience and maturity to help you through with your final decision, that's what you are going to miss, because now you don't have anyone.
Please try not to blame yourself for not being there, I know that's what you wanted, but we can never be sure when something as awful as this could happen.
This may take you through a very difficult period which I am so concerned about, but I'm pleased that you have an appointment with a counsellor, open up to them, cry when you need to and express your love for him, because he may have been your backstop, your support to help you through difficult times.
Your love for him will always be there, and again my sincere sympathy to you and your family. Geoff. x

Sudden loss of father

blondguy — Fri, 14 Apr 2017 22:04:03 GMT

Hello Rhuggins

My sincere condolences for the loss of your dad

My dad passed away 4 months ago

I feel your pain

my kindest thoughts for you

Paulx

Sudden loss of father

Rhuggins — Fri, 14 Apr 2017 23:19:41 GMT

Thank you all for your replies and words of support.

White Knight my dad was 65, I'm 31. It's so hard just thinking if only I'd been there maybe I could have saved them. Your poems are beautiful, I'm glad they help you.

Geoff, the part I'm struggling most with the last few days is the feeling of guilt, I'm hoping the councellor can help provide some coping mechanisms for this. Everything reminds me of him, he helped me out with so many things in my house.

Paul I'm very sorry to hear about your dad, I hope you have plenty of support around you. I have a wonderful husband and friends that are doing everything they can for me but I still somehow manage to feel alone and like I can't be helped, do you ever feel like this?

Thanks, Rachel

Sudden loss of father

quirkywords — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 02:11:42 GMT

Rachel

I was so touched and moved by your post.

Sending my sincere for the loss of your dad.

All your emotions will be raw as it was only a week ago.

You have so much to do with caring for your sister, and grieving for your dad.

The first 3 months after my dad died were such a struggle. It is nearly ten years since he died and I miss him every day.

It is natural to feel alone even though others are being helpful, as you have had a huge shock. Take your time to grieve.

It is good you will see a counsellor.

Sending compassionate thoughts

Quirkywords

Sudden loss of father

blondguy — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 02:22:23 GMT

Hi Rhuggins

Thankyou for your kind post.

It can be devastatingly isolating....absolutely.....even I was surrounded by heaps of supportive people.

The loss of a parent can have life changing effects. Everyday is different but sometimes I think we are along for the ride

Your dad was way way too young at 65. Mine was 82

you are not alone here by any means RH

my kindest

Paul

Sudden loss of father

Rhuggins — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 09:33:07 GMT

Thanks very much for your reply quitkywords and I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. I feel like it will be a struggle for a long time, I really don't know how I can start to feel better. it's very hard with my sister as she blames me for what happened to Dad which is making me feel even worse.

Sudden loss of father

3T — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 10:17:38 GMT

Hi Rhuggins

Im sorry for your loss of your dad. I can relate to what you are feeling my four year old daughter choked and died three years ago and the guilt from that night eats at me everyday. What I have learnt is that time doesn't heal all wounds in my case it has given me more time to replay that night and the things I could have done differently. It is good that you are seeking help early I left it two years before seeing someone so the guilt anxiety and flashbacks have really effected not only my life but my memories of her I see her unresponsive and blue and forget the little girl.she was. Its good you have your husband for support and to help with your sister you will need it while you walk down this sometimes dark and lonely path that is grief.

I really hope to you can sort through the guilt and pain of his passing so you can remember the good memories of him. Please let me .know how you are going with everything. I'm.always here if you need to chat.

Take care

Sudden loss of father

Rhuggins — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 10:27:20 GMT

Hi 3T,

Thanks for your reply, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter it sounds very traumatic. I hope that now you have seeked help things are starting to improve for you. Do you have a good support network around you?

I am also here if you ever need someone to talk to, thanks again for reaching out to me.

Rachel

Sudden loss of father

Rhuggins — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 10:31:24 GMT

Hi Paul,

I can completely relate to you saying it is life changing, I used to feel such security and now feel like I am freefalling and need someone to catch me. Life just a few weeks ago seems so far away. I will try and take it a day at a time and thanks so much for assuring me I'm not alone, I am also here if you ever need to talk.

Rachel

Sudden loss of father

3T — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 10:52:52 GMT

Hi Rachel,

I think it will take time to process everything thats why I'm glad you are getting in early , to be honest I don't think you ever get over loosing someone you learn to live without them. I have my partner and two older kids but its hard they are dealing with the impact if that night also. I have found it easier not to see any if my old friends as its to painful seeing there children reaching milestones in life when my little girl didn't get to start big school . I have made a few good friends after tahlias passing which are wonderful. Thank you for your reply beautiful

Kelly xx

Sudden loss of father

Rhuggins — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 11:03:15 GMT

Hi Kelly,

That is understandable how you don't want to see your friend's kids going through milestones thinking that could have been your daughter. I can imagine it must be very hard on all of your family, I hope you get comfort from each other. My mum passed away when I was 18 from cancer so it was expected, it didn't make it easier but I think I coped with it better as I knew it was coming where with dad it was so sudden even though he has had health problems for a long time, they always seemed to get better.

I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping at night, did this affect you? My doctor gave me some low dose sleeping pills however I haven't taken one yet, I feel I don't want to come to rely on them.

Rachel xox

Sudden loss of father

3T — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 12:06:33 GMT

Hi Rachel

Yes I still have trouble sleeping and I too was cautious with sleeping tablets and didn't take them. My mum was sick to and passed a year after tahlia that was expected to and I don't think I processed it straight away .

I remember the week after she died I was numb and couldnt make decisions when a lot of decisions had to be made, and thought I just gotta get through today. I did but also found everyday got harder I'm now on medication which helps my biggest mistake was leaving it for so long before seeking help .just know you are not alone xx

Sudden loss of father

white knight — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 14:27:45 GMT

Hi Rachel,

Re: "My doctor gave me some low dose sleeping pills however I haven't taken one yet, I feel I don't want to come to rely on them"

You wont rely on them if its short to medium term use. Sometimes we need assistance to get through the hard times. We all need a little help at times

Proper sleep will help you recover better. Tiredness will cause you to not be yourself.

I'm so glad you are talking about it. Thats a good sign.

Tony WK

Sudden loss of father

blondguy — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 16:32:45 GMT

Hi Rachel

Thankyou for the super kind offer to be there for me. That took a huge heart to offer x

TonyWK is spot on about the meds. Lack of quality sleep can have an adverse effect on how well we grieve and heal from such a huge loss. (I still take a low dose med after dad passed)

Your GP has much better training re meds and how they prescribe them compared to even a few years ago. She/He would not have prescribed them without a good reason.

You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by taking a low/medium dosage of meds as prescribed.

The quality of your sleep is paramount now. Its an integral part of the road to recovery.

You have a terrific support network around you Rachel. The feeling of free-falling and isolation is part of the grieving process as you and I know. It still hurts big time. I still feel like I am in a 'bubble' sometimes

We have the strength to catch and prevent you from falling Rachel......Even if you just need to vent/chat or even talk about your dad you are more than welcome to do so 🙂

The forums are a safe and secure place for you

my kindest

Paul

Sudden loss of father

Rhuggins — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 07:36:27 GMT

Thank you all for your advice, I think I might try one of the sleeping pills tonight. I have had a particularly bad day today, I didn't want to do anything I just laid around most of the day. The other hard part in all of this is I don't get along with my husband's family very well, our parents weren't on speaking terms and I know this hurt my dad as he didn't feel he had done anything wrong, they were the ones who basically said they didn't think we should get married which obviously hurt him a lot. I don't feel that they can suddenly want to care about me now this had happened and I don't want to see them. I know this is hard for my husband, I am encouraging him to see them but I am keeping my distance. This also makes me feel very isolated that I don't feel I have any support from them either.

Sudden loss of father

3T — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 09:17:06 GMT

Hi Rachel

Death and grief seems like taboo sometimes ppl don't know what to do or say. Your feelings are all over the place at the moment which is understandable you need to do what you feel is best for you and believe me your geelings will change hour to hour sometimes and other times you won't know what to do or feel , this is normal to it.

As for the sleeping pills if you feel you need them tonight take them. Its hard to get a good night sleep or a break from the rollercoaster ride that is grief.

Wishing you all the best and a goodnights rest

Sudden loss of father

Rhuggins — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 09:38:55 GMT

Thanks for your kind words Kelly, my feelings are certainly all over the place, I feel like a decent sleep might put me in a bit of a better frame of mind to try and start dealing with everything.

I hope you had a good day and get a good night's rest as well.

Rachel xox