topic Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you). in Grief and loss

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Cymru — Thu, 28 Jul 2016 06:20:28 GMT

Nick died tragically early in January 2015. He was 22 years of age. Nick was part of the usual less than perfect family; with brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends and various others who loved and confused him with equal measure.

As a child Nick was diagnosed as having ADHD and later this was clarified as Asperger's syndrome. This meant that Nick's experience of the world was more confusing than for most of us, as the analytical stream of his brain and the emotional stream were less interconnected.He was to experience learning difficulties, his parents' divorce, his mother dying much too soon, having to take what work might be offered and various tribulations of life.

Nick had a powerful memory. Before he started school he could name each of the Thomas-The-Tank-Engines. But while he could place one or two of his toy trains away in his toy box, when faced with too many he was unable to comprehend a solution. As an adolescent Nick mastered catching after back-flipping at trapeze.

He had abundant patience, which he drew on when working as a personal care attendant. He cooked meals for his brothers and father. Nick enjoyed drawing, as did his grandfather and great-grandfather who shared a family curse of depression. Nick could be maddening to live with; he might tidy up but not completely, staying up late and expressing decided opinions. He often preferred activities that were familiar, with people he knew; especially his brothers and cousins.

He joined a drawing group at a burlesque club, and few months ago went to the Russian Film Festival, with musicians, dancers, vodka shots and pretty girls. Nick had sought medical advice on his own initiative about the increased anxiety he was experiencing. He took the prescription medication he was prescribed. He accepted a referral to a clinical psychologist and did not miss any appointments.

Nick had also enrolled in a TAFE course in bakery. He had not been shy about early hours, hard work.

We cannot know what was in Nick's mind on the evening he died and why he so hastened into this good night. His family is earnestly reflected on how we might have better supported Nick.

Nick is buried with his mother.

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

White_Rose — Fri, 29 Jul 2016 08:31:31 GMT

Dear Cymru

Your post is so eloquent about the love you have for your son. I am so sad and sorry that he left so young. I cannot help but cry for your loss and sadness.

I have no words to console you for this tragedy. I wish I could take away your hurt. I hope that others walking the same path as Nick will read your words and think twice or more and decide this is not the way.

I wish I had some words to comfort you Cymru.

With love and compassion

Mary

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Doolhof — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 08:05:28 GMT

Dear Cymru,

Mary has expressed the words I would like to share with you as well so very tenderly and beautifully.

I'm wondering if there has been an anniversary arrive that has reminded you so deeply of the loss of your precious son Nick. I understand that does not need to be the case when it comes to grief and the feeling of loss.

It really doesn't matter the date, the time, the hour does it, when the grief, the questions, maybe the regret are there, they can hit any time. Sometimes quite unheeded and generally most unwelcomed as well.

You are reaching out to us here, or maybe you just felt like you needed to honour the memory of Nick in a place where people will understand.

Please let us know how we may be of support to you. Do you want to share more of Nick's life with us?

Do you need to explore the feelings of regret and wishing you had been able to do something more for Nick?

From my own experience of grief, it can be a very tough journey and answers may never be available. We may never know why situations and terrors have happened, but they do.

The thing for me is to keep loving memories in my heart, to cherish those and help them to grow into something beautiful I can share with others.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Cymru — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 08:17:03 GMT

Doolhof, I saw a notice about sharing stories on Beyond Blue's web site.

I assume you know what I mean that there a bad days and better days. I have two other sons to support. I'm often not sure what to do for them.

But mostly I missed Nick every day. I'm resign that one day I'll be reunited or the pain ends. Meanwlhile I have my duties to my family.

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Gruffudd — Sat, 30 Jul 2016 14:40:58 GMT

Helo Cymru,

Thankyou for telling us about Nick. He sounds a great son, and brother. Much loved and with so much to love. I relate to Nick's love of drawing, and all those habits you describe. I would be happy to hear all the stories of Nick that you you may want to tell. My family also has that streak of depression running through and so often coupled with humour, and intelligence, and a real sparkle in the eyes of the kids, it is complicated.

It is hard to be the family left behind in this world, please make time for the little things that help you through, I hope that you have the support of family and friends, you certainly have some here thinking of you. Do not go gentle into that good night.

For Nick, from all us Welshies,

Cysga'n dawel cariad bach.

Rhobat.

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Doolhof — Sun, 31 Jul 2016 04:39:23 GMT

Hi Cymru,

Have you asked your sons what you can do for them? Maybe they don't know what they need at times any more than you know what to give them.

I grew up knowing that I was the daughter who was born after my parents lost a son they so desired and wanted. At times it was tough knowing I could never be that son whom they wanted so desperately.

I am me. I can be no one else. Same as your two sons who are with you. They are individuals, they are their own person, they too are the brother's of Nick who is no longer with you in life. They are the son's of a Father who is grieving daily for his son.

For me, the thing is for you to just let your son's know how much you love them. You probably do that already.

Find ways to cherish Nick in your heart. Allow the bad days to be there but not to engulf you totally. I know that is not an easy thing to do.

Thinking of you. From Doolhof

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

geoff — Sun, 31 Jul 2016 19:56:02 GMT

hello Cymru, please accept my upmost sincere condolences, for you and the family to be faced in this situation is something I would never want to face myself because it would break me.
He must have been such a clever young man but forced with problems that no one could understand and unfortunately this can happen when struggling with an illness that no one can explain, as well as himself not knowing what depression was and why he felt thiis way.
People who can draw have a skill that no one else can articulate and to watch him draw must have been so exciting for those around him, but never sure whether he could feel this excitement himself, because that was just him.
He must have been very astute in seeking medical care himself, and then to join a bakery course, so deep down he was a determined man with a mission he wanted to fulfill, but how can we ever explain why someone commits suicide, sure we may know that deep down depression could be the cause, but we can't be certain.
The love and care was your best option to help Nick and I'm sure that all of this happened for him, to embrace him to understand what he was doing and realise that there might have been a few things he just wanted to do all by himself, that's a brilliant man, a determined man and a very clever man, and Nick will stay in your heart forever. Geoff.

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

blondguy — Sun, 31 Jul 2016 21:45:30 GMT

Hello Cymru

I just read about your son Nick. What a caring and kind hearted son. My sincere condolences for your loss. January 2015 must still be yesterday for you. My brother also passed when he was 22 as he had enough with his illness (many years ago)

my kindest and respectful thoughts for you

Paul

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Doolhof — Mon, 01 Aug 2016 07:18:28 GMT

Hi Cymru,

Just want to let you know I am thinking of you today. Not sure if that helps or not.

One of my girlfriends is grieving all over again for her brother who died in a car accident a couple of decades ago.

Love can last a life time. Hopefully the pain will lessen.

Each day the sun comes up and a new day begins.

We can not return to yesterday, we can stand still today, or we can move forward.

The night comes and the darkness closes in.

Tomorrow the sun comes up again...

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Cymru — Mon, 01 Aug 2016 08:13:46 GMT

Gruffudd

I often repeat to myself that Nick is sleeping, he is comfortable andnot in pain.

Oh, the line if from Sou Gau. Nick liked the movie Empire of the Sun, which it featured. I like it (as does everyone), and the opening line seem fitting.

And it does seem a bit of Welsh curse.

Russell

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Cymru — Mon, 01 Aug 2016 08:22:20 GMT

Doolhof, Nick was quite interested in history, as are his brothers, myself, his grandfather ... it is a boy thing. We often chatted about such around dinner table. I had a particular interest Russian history and culture. Nick was the only one of my sons who would watch movies with sub titles. Sometimes we'd watch movies without sub titles. The bad guy is always in black, the second prettist girl will die ... we could follow the story. Or more importantly, Nick was not distracted by the absence of words.

My former partner had taught him to wash clothes ... he would correctly sort colours and remove stains. Much better than I.

Those with asburgers have normal intelligence but interconnecting with the outside World is difficult.

He had dealt with a lot in his life.

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Cymru — Mon, 01 Aug 2016 08:26:58 GMT

My youngest is 21 in a couple of weeks. Planning his birthday is a help.

I talk with the two of them as to what might be best. They went withmy idea to have it at a pub ... there is unfortunate conflict with the family and we figured folk will be more comfortable and less likely to missbehave in public.

My partner says I need to plan a speech. That will be a challenge ... how to speech on behalf of his mother and brother in a way that uplifts.

I'd value suggestions.

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Gruffudd — Mon, 01 Aug 2016 11:38:55 GMT

Helo Cymru,

Thinking of you and Nick too. I admire how you honour his memory, and continue to be there for the rest of the family...

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Cymru — Mon, 01 Aug 2016 12:48:15 GMT

Thank you.

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Doolhof — Tue, 02 Aug 2016 07:19:51 GMT

Hi Russell,

Hope it is okay to address you by Russell. Seems a lot more personal anyway.

I was just thinking about your son's 21st Birthday. You mentioned you were having it in a hotel, sounds like an excellent idea. Will you be having a private room?

I have a thought regarding your speech for the 21st. Recently we attended a 50th where the family had put together a "movie" of best wishes they showed to us all. Now I am not the most tech savvy person out there, so I have no idea how that works!

Would it be possible to pre record a message, include family and friends, then on the night, you can present him with this.

Another idea may be to record a message for him that you will give to him in private, or maybe write him a letter he can read when he is ready.

If you work on the speech over a period of time, it may not be too painful. Trying to add a bit of humour if possible will certainly help.

Family gatherings can be interesting can't they! I am sure a lot of us have stories we could share. Some hilarious...after the event and some down right disturbing. Ha. Ha.

What ever you plan Russell, I am sure your son will appreciate it.

Nick sounds like a great guy.

Friends of ours have a son who has Autism and Asperger's. His memory is phenomenal. Once he learns something it sticks in his mind. He is a great young man of about 18.

Thanks for sharing Nick with us all Russell.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Cymru — Thu, 04 Aug 2016 04:36:13 GMT

Thank you for your comments and support in cyberspace.

The 21st plans are coming together. I order a large chocolate cake yeasterday, and met again with the pub manager to work out how best to set up the space.

Oh, I'm not sure if I was clear. The party for my youngest son. However, he, my eldest son and I talked how we felt it could also be aid to comfort and healing within the family. Nick ought to have been there. He would also have been helping me organize things too.

I have the support of my partner and a couple former(they knew my sons well) partners and my friends. It is my own family and my sons mothers family that are the weak link. This distress me ... it is pointless trying to work out where the division arose. Each has their perpective. My sons hated it. Eg, I have a RSVP from my uncle (84) who lives interstate and sent aplogies (he is grey nomading) and my brother in Perth. But no other family members have let me know if they are coming. I think they will ... I know I create discomfort for them. But I'm sure they want to see my son. My sons and I settled on a pub as being a public place they ought to feel less drama than if at a home.

And short speech that will if not unite, at least create no more division.

As I'm sure you realise I wish Nick was here so much ... he was a great help with these problems. And he was suppose to have lower relationship skills. I think they were higher than most due to how he saw the World.

warm regards Russell

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

White_Rose — Thu, 04 Aug 2016 06:57:11 GMT

Hello Russell

I'm responding to a question in an earlier post, tips on what to say in your speech. I think you will want to acknowledge Nick at some point. Also I am a little confused about how many sons you have other than Nick. Is it one or two?

If there is a third son you could mention his and Nick's name together. e.g. Nick and (John) wish you well, or describe a memory in which they were all involved. It may be easier for you and less "in your face" for others, while keeping all the boys in the family, so to speak. Make it a funny occasion. Everyone may not laugh but it will certainly help to ease any tension.

It's a great idea to go to a pub. Apart from anything else there will be no washing up. And I agree it should lessen the risk of noisy arguments etc. I did have another fantastic suggestion for you but unfortunately it ran off before I could nail it down.

I am being a little flippant but I hope you know I wish you well.

Mary

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

blondguy — Thu, 04 Aug 2016 10:03:23 GMT

Hello Russell, I lost my older brother when he was 22 in 1982. If I had a speech to write I would know my big brother wouldnt want me to be very sad as he only wanted happiness for others and himself.

My kindest thoughts for you Russell

Paul

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Doolhof — Fri, 05 Aug 2016 00:17:25 GMT

Hi Russell,

Just to clarify, the 21st is for your youngest son, is that correct? Have you been talking about the party ideas with him or just with your older son? Where does/did Nick fit in with the siblings? Was he the middle child, the oldest or youngest altogether?

Finding ways to include Nick's memories is very special, like Mary mentioned, a little humour if possible would help.

I'm not sure if you can do a lot to minimise the family divisions, at least having the party in a hotel will help. I have learned there is no way I can control another person's behaviour. I can try to influence them, but don't have the powers to get people to do as I desire them to behave.

Work on doing what is best for your son having the party.

Chatting with the staff at the hotel will help with your plans as well. They will have some ideas on what will work best.

I love chocolate cake! Better still for me is a Jaffa mudcake. Yum.

Hope your speech ideas on coming on okay. Can you share your thoughts with your older son and see what he thinks? Is he planning a speech as well?

Wishing you all the best. I sometimes find that once an event is over, I wonder why I thought so much about it happening in the first place!

Cheers for now, from Mrs. D.

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

Cymru — Mon, 08 Aug 2016 15:09:02 GMT

Nick is the middle son

I was going over photographs to make a collage for the party. I thought a dozen or so images, including Liam with his mother and brother. I sure you could imagine this wasn’t easy. I wanted someone else to do it for me. I wish I could post something here to show what I found.

My partner helped me pick out a good watch today. I've given each son a watch for 21st. Again, it created mixed feelings. But it is a nice watch.

Re: a short speech. I had picked a set of novels at a school fate when Liam would have been 7 or 8. I kept them to give him when he was 21. I read the books alloud to my sons and Liam had quite like them. These ones were in good condition. The aare a boys own adventure with teenaagers in space, giant gold fish attacking space ships and other ridiculous things.

The twist is a resounding father and son theme throughout the tale. The hero is raised by a stodic father, looks up a teacher a boarding school, spacevship captain, and in turn becomes a father figure to other children. Those with complex relationships with their father like the the story. Liam liked the story. That's what I'll say.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas