topic Grieving an abusive parent in Grief and loss

Grieving an abusive parent

Cornstarch — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 15:08:24 GMT

I am being slammed by complex grief.

My father was an extremely abusive man, a depressed narcissist in fact that terrorised his wife and kids.

He took his own life 6 years ago.

My grief has been protracted because life wasn't polite and didn't give me space to grieve straight away like other people can. I had to hold up my traumatised Mum who has a psychotic illness, quit my job, leave my friends to ensure she didn't go the same way. When I was little I was certain it would be her to do it - but I was wrong.

12 months later our Nana died. And then 9 months later Mum's best friend died, who was my "earth mother" that looked after me when I was little whenever Mum was hospitalised. Everyone was gone.

I am haunted by my fathers death. Haunted.

He was so abusive.............................but he was my Dad.

Grieving an abusive parent

blondguy — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 16:21:46 GMT

Hello CS

6 years ago may as well be 5 minutes ago.....very very recent...then your Nana....and then your earth mother...and the mega pain your mum went through.......

................................................... (I have no words as a sign of respect for your loss)

My dad has been the same as yours CS and is well documented on here especially on a earlier thread of Tony WK. He was abusive violent and a narcissist. I havent spoke to him for years....until a few months ago when he collapsed in a hospital carpark.

He had some type of stroke...and his 'cruel' persona has vaporised. There is only a gentle quietly spoken shell of a man left. The super intellect and aggro has gone. I love my dad...but I dont like him...as I have had to come full circle and be involved with him on a regular basis.

Grieving for your father is important no matter what specie of a abuser (sorry) he was. Maybe you were like I am now....you dont like him in any way.....but he will always be your father.

I am not giving you any advice CS. Just trying to empathize and understand what you have been going through. Can I ask how old your dad was 6 years ago?

Just a footnote...anxiety...depression...bipolar are all very real illnesses....To me they are physical disorders as there are chemical imbalances that make them the same as a physical injury (just my opinion CS :-))

Guilt is a 'man made' rotten feeling....I have seen the huge amount of invaluable help you provide to others on the forums CS.....Your dad would be so proud of you. You have had a ton on your plate...I hope you are being as gentle to yourself as you can be.....you really deserve to have some peace CS

My dad was mega abusive too.................but (as yourself) he is my dad...(82 years old and feeble now)

I would be haunted too CS. I hope even a tiny bit of this has helped.

I had no idea what you have been through....The only thing I do know Cornstarch is that you are not alone here

(hugs).....if thats okay of course

Paul

Grieving an abusive parent

Cornstarch — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 21:26:40 GMT

I love hugs Paul, thank you, for such a long, considered reply. Dad was 65. Until you are raised by a narcissistic parent you cannot describe what that is like to another person. They are literally mind warpers, it's like living inside of a washing machine. He was textbook and so was his passing. He was a complete workaholic, many many affairs, drew all of his self esteem from work, which mostly all of us do. He worked full-time while studying to become a lawyer which he did and was admitted to Bar and all that jazz. But only to have a medical negligence accident during heart surgery that rendered him medically retired and unable to work i.e.: at home with us 24/7 from when I was 11!!! Narcissists are desperately worried what people think of them and being a workaholic this was the beginning of his spiral and our 24/7 barrage of abuse.

Child abuse irks me, and on these forums and I try and stick up for the kids too.

But aside from all this he was my Dad. And you get emotions if you want them or not, especially with your Mum and Dad. When Mum found him and ran next door to the neighbour who was a retired police officer, he told me weeks later in all his years that was one of the most difficult. I was waiting for Mum to be next. And I was responsible for her not going down that path.

I didn't have the strength to complain about how the police handled it at the time. The poor young cop was traumatised as well and I emailed him personally and told him I was sorry for the suffering my father had caused him, and no-one should ever have to do that as part of "their job".

This must sound crazy but I am still in shock with everything. I am undergoing treatment for my assault at a clinic that has worked heavily with victims of the Royal Commission into CSA. Last week while reading through my case the health practitioner started to cry and asked how I managed. I know her intentions were good, but it's moments like that when "shock waves" lift in and so does your denial and numbing.

I'm not coping, my flashbacks are berserk, it was very disturbing. I'm not sleeping and I'm not eating, I can't concentrate. I have to release some major pressure somewhere and drop or put off pressure for now in my life. I'm going to call my family and tell them today. It's not worth having a breakdown over attempting heroics, I can't be a rock forever, I'm just a person.

Grieving an abusive parent

blondguy — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 22:00:44 GMT

Hey CS

There is nothing crazy about what you are feeling or have said.

You were 11?...How would you fit a childhood in there?

Your quality of life and presence are paramount now.....All other considerations are secondary...

I had no idea that you have (and are) been through so much CS.I can feel your pain...I hope you call your family...you have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.

You have been through way too much CS....Your life and ability to care is a rare trait...please protect and nurture it

Grieving an abusive parent

geoff — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 23:29:02 GMT

hi CS, I have read with great interest your other posts/replies and the help you have provided, but feel sorry for what your father had done to you and your mum, and this also extends to Paul, as I didn't have to cope with any of this, but I know that a lot of elderly friends had a father who beat them up at any small mistake or even when they did something right but not how their father wanted it done.
Maybe the guilt your father felt for his abuse could be why he took his own life, but that you will never know, and maybe quite dishonourable for me to even mention, but from happened has left your mum traumatised with an illness which was caused by him, as well as leaving you with a feeling that you're unble to shake off.
This you can't blame yourself for this, it's a reaction to what he actually has done, and although he is your father still doesn't mean that you can't hate him for doing this, the pain, those thoughts and memories which you wished would never come back to you, will do so unfortunately from time to time, especially when you visit your mum and talk with your sister.
Whether you can accept that you did love him deep down, but now you feel as though you don't like or even hate him is still an acceptable resolution could be how you can try and overcome him, but as soon as you start to talk about what he did and how cruel he was then this pain will stay with you.
The love for your 'earth mum' and 'nana' is still a very strong association which you want to hold dearly to your heart, but try not to let these memories extend to your father, let your nana and earth mum be so much more dominant in any discussions you have and don't let it branch away from that.
The job now is to get your mum back on her feet as well but don't forget about yourself, because that's a priority. Geoff. x

Grieving an abusive parent

Cornstarch — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 00:02:02 GMT

Thanks Blondguy,

I try to carry it as graciously as I can but somedays are really tough. When you are raised amongst such selfishness, and with a person that sees themselves, and their own suffering, as worse than anybody else's you lose perspective on your own suffering. They are masterful manipulators and masterful at making you feel responsible for all that is wrong with their lives. And they're everywhere!

Just when you get to a place within yourself where you are trying to accept the cards life has dealt you, The Universe will place in your path people like this to test you. Wingers, moaners and complainers that want you to know everything that is missing in their life. Some-days it feels like they're being smug about it, almost gloating because they know that it doesn't compare and they want to rub in your face.

They say that when someone dies your address book changes - that is so true. I am much less patient with these sorts of characters now and whenever I read, hear or see someone medicalising abuse a major red-flag flys up in my nervous system and I think - "what have ya done? who have you hurt?". What sort of message does that give to people currently living in domestic abuse situations, not to mention the effect that has on the psyche's of children, to medicalise abuse!

I guess feeling crazy is really about my brain trying to process the shock.

I will contact my family today. The hardest part to that is, I then have to witness the pain in their eyes of watching a paedophile still being the puppeteer all these years later. I know they're gutted.

Peace.

Grieving an abusive parent

Cornstarch — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 00:34:56 GMT

Thanks lovely Geoff. I went searching for one of your posts the other day, something about ECT, and I couldn't find it. It was referring to One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. It's funny how when we're scared and have nothing to compare it to, we draw upon cultural references as a starting point, even though these are dramatisations of how it actually is. Someone I used to be friends with believe's it saved her life and she'd have it again in a heart-beat if she had to. My Mum has had it too.

Mum is the most settled she will ever be, and that we can expect her to be, given her schizophrenia and her own traumas, not to mention the big one 6 years ago.

As you say mate, "we get emotions if we want them or not". They have a natural un-folding and no-one gets to skip past anger, resentment, hatred and frustration and all those yucky ones that come up with such hurt and betrayal. That's the challenge. To allow myself to feel them without thinking I am a terrible person for feeling them in the first place. When you've been raise by a "mind warper" it's hard not to personalise it some-days.

But I realised that me hanging on to the misconception that I am innately "bad", is actually my mind being very clever & tricky at attempting to avoid the loss and grief. It's the easy way out to hate yourself isn't it.

If I have to accept that I am actually good, and OK, means that I have to accept all of these horrible things have indeed happened, and I didn't make it up. The horrible dream is actually the horrible truth.

It's almost like hating myself is a way of controlling the deep sadness underneath all of this. I'm trying to side step sadness by remaining in self-blame. Clever isn't, it in delaying shock.

I try my best to prioritise myself but it really pulls at the heart strings because I am my Mum's rock. She clings to me, and even though she lacks the cognition to verbalise it, I know that she believes I saved her from her own tragic end. I can see it in her eyes when they fill with tears whenever I leave her unit.

I'm doing my best, that's all I can say.

I'm doing my best.

Grieving an abusive parent

Just Sara — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 18:17:54 GMT

Hi CS;

I'm here to support you darl. Can't find the words, but I feel for you deeply.

Just a thought about grief. I purge sometimes with abandon. So many things to let go of, and so much loss at the same time. What I do know though, is that there's usually triggers happening in the 'now' that prompts old grief to rise. The 'cup full' metaphor means our minds need to get rid of the overflow to make room for the good stuff. Grief is a natural process if allowed to be expressed positively.

My Nan died when I was 15. I couldn't say her name without becoming really emotional. So I wrote her a letter. It started out with how much I missed her, and by page 2 the writing became larger and deeper into the page. By page 4, I held the pen in hand as if a knife ripping the page as I went. I wrote how angry I was she'd left me to deal with my mother alone and scared. I hated she'd done this.

I loved that woman with all my being, but I was ashamed and guilt ridden for 20 yrs for feeling angry and couldn't face that I'd felt that way about her; my beautiful Nanna. I realised after writing it was understandable considering our circumstances.

We write words here on BB to unknown names spilling all. Write him and tell him how you feel/felt and don't edit or judge. Just let the words flow like and ocean.

Wishing you well - truly...Dizzy xx

Grieving an abusive parent

Cornstarch — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 20:51:05 GMT

Thanks so much Dizzy.

Grief is wild.

The waves of grief for immediate blood relatives or "soul mates", friends/intimates, is just wild.

It's almost like once that first one happens it opens up this other chamber of your heart that you didn't know was there, and it never goes. You just feel different.

Certainly, the waves become further apart with time but the size & sensation of the wave can remain the same.

It can come over you at the most commonplace places, and banal moments, and of course when we are down or having a rough trot.

Your Nana sounds like a gem. Loosing a tribal elder at 15 would have been a very tender/heart breaking/frustrating loss. Anger was completely natural. Our tribes are so small these days with such little dependable community that we interact with on a daily basis, it feels like once they start passing on that we are "lost at sea". What a sad world we have created. No wonder people place all their hope on their partner being "their everything". Let's have an uprising and all go bush!

As you say the worst thing for me with PTSD would be to hold it in. I have to flush. With PTSD the key is movement. Body movement, but also emotion, in a safe environment and with people I trust.

I have contacted my family and they did a U-turn in the car and scooped me up, up and away to the nest. I've also contacted my health team and they are all advocating/supporting me and I'll see them all face-to-face this week.

Thanks again Dizzy. Enjoy your week. We need a new Lesbian box set show to have a DVD marathon with!!

I'm such a dag, I'm so behind with all things POP Culture and I see them 2 years after the fact. Apparently there's another Orange Is The New Black season out I must watch.

Grieving an abusive parent

Just Sara — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 03:53:24 GMT

OMG CS! I love your dagginess!!!!!

It complements your intelligence and oh so witty sarcasm...priceless! How to be facetious 101. (giggle)

All joking aside though, sharing your grief is also priceless. Still here to support you...

Kindness...Dizzy xo

Grieving an abusive parent

Cornstarch — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 04:38:20 GMT

My friends and family may disagree with you Dizzy. They squeal at my celebrity, Hollywood, trashy magazine ignorance. I'm always hearing, "Oh my god, how can you not know that/them?!"

I choose not to know.

It can be fun to engage in light, silly, mindless trash to forget about our problems but it can also snowball into really un-healthy behaviours. The main one being body image issues. I have lost count how many people I know with eating disorders, regardless of their age. And they never grow out of them. They could can come from the most wholesome homes with fantastic childhoods and be the most intelligent, worldly, travelled, sensible, rational women and yet be tortured by it. Absolutely tortured. I figured that if someone with my background immerses themselves in all of that toxic self obsession, that is never satisfied because none of us are young forever, it's just a recipe for disaster.

So I just don't engage. Why feed a traumatised trinny with more potential self-loathing. I've had enough soul-destroying experiences to deal with. I was the kid that you could never get inside anyway so I just try to be outside as much as I can.

Sometimes Dizzy it's not just my own grief that is hard but it's "the grief" if you get what I mean. Like the other day when I was at the clinic that has been working with the Royal Commission into CSA, sitting in that waiting room!! My god! Can you imagine what that collective grief felt like. It was like wading through Peanut Butter when I was called to get up and walk into the consulting room. After my appointment, stepping back out into the waiting room to high-tail to the exit, I just had to sprint and look at the floor and my shoes. I simply could not look at any of them, the heart-break was palpable.

So I scooted down the stairs with tears in my eyes and wished them well in my heart and thoughts however useless that is.

Grieving an abusive parent

Just Sara — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 06:59:46 GMT

I was just heading off-line when I found your post. I have to reply...

The thing that struck me most of all, and yes there were a few biggies, is learning to protect yourself from the pain of others. I know it's a stretch...believe me I know. Dissociation continues to cause outward energy towards others in pain so I can forget...but it leads to helplessness. A horrible feeling...

Seeing as we're in the grief and loss section, I'd like to relay a Zen Buddhist story (proverb)..

A monk gathered together many orphans from the overcrowded cities and took them to the mountains to live; he devoted his life to them. One day an injured baby deer was found and bought to the monk. He set about feeding and nurturing the animal, and the children grew very fond of it; a little lost soul just like themselves.

The deer grew weaker by the day and the children were frantic. The monk couldn't bare to hear their cries of sadness. He tried relentlessly everyday to get the deer back on it's feet without success.

While sleeping, the little deer came to him in his dreams. He pleaded; "Please let me die" The monk replied; "I can't allow the children to suffer any more, I can't bare it"

The following morning the little deer had worsened. The children begged him to do more. That night the deer returned to his dream. He spoke; "Please let me die kind monk. I need to fulfil my destiny to teach the children about death and grief. It is my birth purpose..."

The next morning he woke to find the deer had passed away. The children were distraught and went to the monk crying for comfort. He finally understood his role and that of the deer...everything has a purpose.

The moral to this story can be perceived in many ways. What does it mean to you?

Grieving an abusive parent

Cornstarch — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 08:53:26 GMT

Oh Gosh Dizzy I just don't know.

I have a porous nervous system, carried other people's pain for years and have a history of being lousy at boundaries (I've improved immensely in recent years).

I will have to read it a few more times, maybe even sleep on it..................

Buddhist riddles "n" that........Hmmmmmm

Grieving an abusive parent

Cornstarch — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 22:09:15 GMT

Thanks Dizzy for the thought provoking post,

I don't have kids but to me that Buddhist story sounds like what it must feel like to be a parent.

That said, we are all in relationships in one way or another, and for me it means that no matter how much you love someone, or are touched by the tragedy in their life, life lessons are everyone's to experience and no-one can live it for you.

You can't teach life experience, it must be lived by the individual for it to resonate deeply enough for them to feel changed.

Obviously suffering isn't an even spread when you look around at the world but no-one can dodge loss, death and dying.

All of this is in conflict with my role from a very young age as a child carer. My siblings and I were the adults, and our parents with their needs were the children. I don't know if you have met many child carers in your life but when you do you'll be struck by how old we seem.

"Age appropriate responsibility" kinda went out the window very very early by lack of choice.

It was a complete role reversal. And to top it off if we didn't carry our fathers pain, we were punished. There was the "mind warping" of an abusive parent that felt entitled along with an inflated sense of his own suffering. No-on is more important than they are and everyone else will certainly hear about it time and time again!

I'm a work in progress Dizzy, a work in progress I say!

As for the others in that waiting room..............it just stings my heart.

But you are exactly right it tips the scales, it pushes too much energy out of myself, and makes me a very vulnerable person to the users and takers of this world. That pretty much sums up all of my 20s! If you wanna give too much of yourself there will always be people willing to snatch.

I'm attempting to re-wire my entire brain and sense of self, I guess that takes time, and can only be done by acknowledging all the LOSS

Hugs

Corn-Cobs num, num, num, num

Grieving an abusive parent

Just Sara — Tue, 20 Sep 2016 08:21:41 GMT

Very nicely put Corny;

How eloquent and insightful. The Buddhist 'riddle' has no right or wrong answers, and you surely gave a tremendous explanation.

To me, it's about who I and others identify with. The children identified with the deer for instance and some may also feel that. But your approach gives an holistic look at things...I liked that.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you spoke of lessons learned from life, and allowing others to find their own answers. Had I not learned to survive, I wouldn't have had the skill to survive other experiences and, grow from them. My suffering may one day pave the way to greatness Corny.

The enablers of the world need to step back a little and leave us to learn for ourselves. But in saying that, watching children suffer is plain and simple heartbreak. I'll never forget the look in my little boys eyes...never ever. I dare say it is relative to your own at many times in your life too. It's the helplessness...

Your story is so tragic, child carers of parents with mental health issues should never have to be placed in that position.

So about loss, it sounds as if you're moving through the process. Still here for you...

Kindness...Dizzy xo

Grieving an abusive parent

Cornstarch — Tue, 20 Sep 2016 08:48:30 GMT

Yeah. It will be a surreal feeling when Mum passes. Like losing a little puppy I've tried to look after the best I could with all of my own stuff to boot. I don't know if it was my anxiety talking the other night but I panicked it wasn't far off. I hope it was just the anxious, mouse on the wheel thoughts playing their tedious tune.

I kid you not approximately 6 months before Dad chose to take his life I rocked up to my clinical psychologists one day and said "I have had a terrible, vivid, lucid dream that scared me. Dad is going to die and this is how"...............sure enough, one Sunday night while getting my clothes ready for work I got "that call".

Regarding your own loss and trauma Dizzy with your son, I will not patronise you and pretend there are words for that. I'd rather remain silent in respect for something that has no words. There are no words for that. Horrific.

There is nothing positive except that he had you as his Mum. I think you would be astounded how many mothers are made privy to such violence, and turn the other way. A mother figure we spent huge amounts of time with was witness to mine and she started making me gifts and telling me how "special" I was. It is quite unbelievable the stories I have heard over the years from other victims. Complicit bystanders. May they rot.

You said you'll never forget your son's eyes.

It's funny how some things stick.

I will never forget the whimpering animal noises Mum was making when I arrived home that night when she found Dad. They haunt me.

Sending you Star Dust and Moon Spray, Dizzy Girl.

xxx