topic Still struggling in Grief and loss

Still struggling

wanted_a_simple_life — Sun, 11 Oct 2015 23:03:03 GMT

It's been 8 months since my wife has left me and took the kids and moved away.

It still doesnt make sense that she has done this as I treated her really well. Yes we had our ups and downs like every marraige, but to say I ruined her and then proceed to have an affair was horrible.

The problem is I would forgive her and take her back to right the wrongs.

Ive being doing OK and starting to see other people. I just cant proceed any further than friends with these women as when I compare them to my wife, I find I still love her.

Ive been freaking out lately knowing Ive probably lost her for good and wont see my children day to day.

I want to talk to her to win her back.

I thought after 8 months I would be getting better, but Im not.

Is this normal??

Still struggling

Neil_1 — Sun, 11 Oct 2015 23:47:53 GMT

Hi there Simple Life

Welcome to B.B. and thank you for providing your post.

I hope you don’t mind if I ask you some questions in my response, but it might help so we can find out a little more and so we might be in a more informed position to help, if we can.

You’ve mentioned that it’s been 8 months – your wife has the children and has moved away. Is that moving away from your current location? Ie: has she moved geographically and therefore, making any possible meeting up with her no likelihood? Or is she still in the same town/city, etc?

During that time have you had any or no contact with her? Were there rules put in place? Ie: I’m moving out and taking the kids – and don’t contact me, I’ll contact you? Or did she just move? I guess, when she moved, did you get a feel that this was only a temporary arrangement or did you feel that “oh boy, this is it – this is final!”

The other side of the coin to this, is that they are also YOUR children, and I’m not expert on this, but I would suggest that you should have rights where you’re able to see them. But I’m sure there’ll be others who’ll come along who can better advise you about this.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

Still struggling

wanted_a_simple_life — Mon, 12 Oct 2015 02:10:16 GMT

Thanks Neil

She has moved 1 hour away, I do get to see the kids every second weekend.

We talk a bit about the kids, but has completly shut down any conversation when it comes to our marriage.

She says she is hurt, but had an affair while we were married and has another boyfriend again now.

My concern the kids are dragged through her choices.

I havent got any formal arrangements in place cause I dont want to divorce and go down that path, I would rather work things out.

Still struggling

Neil_1 — Mon, 12 Oct 2015 22:48:50 GMT

Hi there WASL

Thanx for your kind response back.

That “is” good news that you’re at least getting to see your kids – at this stage every second weekend. So there is some communication there, which is better than a total shut-out.

She had an affair in your marriage, and yet she says she’s hurt – I don’t understand that. Also, she has the affair and then she’s the one who takes off with the kids. Again, I may be missing something here, but it doesn’t sound right and it sure doesn’t sound fair to you either.

When relationships become rocky and there’s children involved, this is always an awkward issue – how to do best for the children, so they don’t become too messed up by things. Very tricky situation.

I’m not wanting to put my foot in too much here, but will just end with: that’s a massive call on your behalf that you just want to work things out. You’re a better man than I would be in these circumstances: ie: an affair, left and took the kids and now has another boyfriend. But if you can put all that to the side and still wish to repair things, then I say all power to you.

Have you per chance suggested any counselling for the both of you – like relationship counselling? Do you think she’d be at all interested in that?

One last thing: I do hope you’ve got some of your own support mechanisms in place? Other friends or even family members, who you can go to and lean on, and unload? As this current time must be so incredibly difficult for you.

I do hope if you’re able to, that you can post again.

Kind regards

Neil

Still struggling

wanted_a_simple_life — Wed, 14 Oct 2015 00:23:09 GMT

Hi Neil, I do have some support even from her aunties and uncles. They are horrified on how Ive been treated through this whole ordeal.

We initially did marriage counselling but it was a farce cause she was not honest with the counsellor cause at the time she was having an affair.

Im really annoyed the kids were involved with the first guy who she got engaged to just over two weeks after she got me to leave, but maintains she was a broken person and I broke her - try to figure that one out.

I do have the power to forgive her as Im a christian, but I will need a lot of grace to do it.