topic Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood) in Grief and loss

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

demonblaster — Thu, 21 May 2015 09:55:35 GMT

My darling of 28 yrs recently passed away from Leukaemia. He had 7 ish months of chemo, copped an absolute flogging and just kept hacking it. He was an absolute hero throughout.Nearly died 3 times.
We knew it'd come back but not as quick as it did. He got about 5 wks back home and was told he had less than a month to live. Imagine hearing that.

It's really hard. I miss him terribly. Can't fully comprehend he's not coming back.
We were happy and lucky to have each other but that's hard to think about atm.
The mind's an amazing thing and protects you from the pain.
I have Bipolar so that certainly gives me a dose of pain when on the down side.
I've seen small changes in the grieving process.(Moving through).
Got good friends but sometimes it's just too hard to fathom or want to for that matter.
Love him sooo much.
Not bloody fair.

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

Jacko777 — Fri, 22 May 2015 02:45:04 GMT

Hi demonblaster,

Very sad to hear this mate, I don't think it is something we ever fully comprehend. I am glad that you can feel that you are 'moving through', with the fullness of time you will feel better, don't hesitate to seek help with this, some times we are not aware of things that might slow our recovery.

It helps me in times like these to think of my lost ones with love, instead of missing them, I know it's hard. I try and focus on being thankful for the time we did have, the experiences we shared, forever they are in my heart, my life goes forward knowing that a part of them lives on in me, I honor them by being the best I can be.

Much love to you, talk to us any time.

Jack

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

Neil_1 — Fri, 22 May 2015 03:23:19 GMT

Dear demonblaster

This will be quite possibly my shortest post of all time on this site.

It is NOT BLOODY fair.

Neil

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

demonblaster — Fri, 22 May 2015 07:09:30 GMT

Thanks Jack 🙂

Your as has been many others support is very uplifting, I really do appreciate people and their kindness.

Yeah in time and sometimes now I can look at good mems thlinking of our good times but atm there's soo much ouch and I don't fully understand although it's slowly sinking in that I won't see him in this life again. God that hurts knowing that.
I keep thinking back to how sick he was, all the weight he lost, was a big solid fella, cute too :), and had Red blotches under the skin as he was bleeding, (part of this kind of leukaemia, a very aggressive one). He was soo quiet and so exhausted.

I was holding his hand for his last breath which was a good thing.
I use to be an Enrolled Nurse & moved around a lot, saw a lot, Often the ones with the worse are the ones that truly do shine.
He did.

A lady said the person dies but the love doesn't. Sooo true.

I haven't ever forgotten Dad or Mum but am scared of forgetting him, but think it's the grief dumping. I could never forget our love.

:')

Thankyou.... from within

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

demonblaster — Fri, 22 May 2015 07:12:03 GMT

Thankyou Neil 🙂

You are sooo right, It's not fair.

He was just over 2 wks off having spinal surgery.

He had a third heart attack the night it came on.

He wasn't old.

Champion

Ya you baby

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

demonblaster — Fri, 22 May 2015 10:05:49 GMT

soz Jacko, I did answer to your post but not here.

Thankyou for your support as with many others it's very uplifting and a great boost. Means a lot.

Yeah time's a great healer, atm it's hard to see the good bits through the pain and still not fully fathoming that he won't be back ...ever. Hating that. Can't or don't want to believe it. Too bloody hard.

We are very lucky to have had our time Yes and many don't ever get what we had. Later I'll be able to appreciate it more without hurting as much.

Lovely you saying talk to us anytime 🙂

Thanks again for your caring and support.

Awful thing to go through isn't it.

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

Jacko777 — Fri, 22 May 2015 13:48:12 GMT

Thanks for replying DB. It is an awful thing, a harsh ride you have been on. And if you are like me you can only let the grief take it's course, I find it to be physical at first.

Do keep in touch with your friends and I hope you can find some time each day to divert your attention for a little while, you may need to go rock climbing or sky diving! In between the waves try and find some peace. Anyway, we care how you are going, keep us posted if you feel like it.

Jack

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

demonblaster — Fri, 22 May 2015 23:16:10 GMT

Thanks Jackon 🙂

Yeah there was time for us to say goodbye, we never ever doubted our love for eachother so made a big difference.
With Dad it was sudden when I was a teenager and very in your face. The shock although with my partner here too even though I knew was incredible with Dad.
Still a nasty cruel shock though isn't it.

I had done quite a lot of grieving where he had chemo too.

Thanks again Jacko, and same for you, if you ever wanna talk, I can listen too 🙂

Take care

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

demonblaster — Fri, 22 May 2015 23:19:55 GMT

soz meant to say I have been in touch a lot with friends and been out, I started going out early in the peace, didn't wanna get stuck at home in a rut.

Yeah the mind wanders which is a good thing and haven't been dwelling although hard cause he's in my mind 24/7. But that's part of love and grief I guess. Trying to fathom it all.

cya

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

Neil_1 — Tue, 26 May 2015 00:51:43 GMT

Hi there D.B.

That’s been awesome to read your latest responses and having Jack posting also – I hope it’s ok for me to chip in again.

You wrote, “I haven’t forgotten Dad or Mum but am scared of forgetting him, …” You won’t, you simply won’t forget your Dad or your Mum – and for so many many reasons that I probably don’t have to list out, cause the list would be HUGE.

You also mentioned you won’t forget the love – and yes, that’s possibly the starting point and there the memories and the thoughts will just snowball and develop and grow and in time, the pain will be replaced somewhat with more pleasant memories of times gone by. Then, if you’re anything like me, it’ll then shoot you down again and the grief will come back – I kind of hope you don’t go down that path, cause grief is an awful thing, when it won’t go away or that it keeps coming back again and again.

Also awesome to read that you’re trying to be in contact with your friends again – which is fantastic – just at a nice slow pace and perhaps just a couple at a time; but then again, each to their own, eh?

As Jacko wrote, please please write back as often as you would like too – we’ll always be here.

Neil

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

geoff — Tue, 26 May 2015 22:44:58 GMT

dear Demonblaster, my utter apologies for not responding much earlier, it was a post that I missed, that is never a good excuse, and I feel so bad for not picking it up, it was amiss for me to do so, so please I hope that you can forgive me.

Please accept my sincere condolences and I wish you a loving memory of your life with your husband, the good times, the bad days but all the laughs that you both must have had over your long marriage of 28 years.

The site is always open for you, and we would just love to help you out whenever you need. L Geoff. x

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

demonblaster — Wed, 27 May 2015 01:20:15 GMT

Hey 🙂 Thanks Neil great to hear from you again. Yes you're welcome anytime.

Yeah I know what you mean about the grief hitting at different times harder, it has been lately something awful, but then it's still early days, he passed in mid Jan.

I'm just starting to hate the understanding that I won't be seeing him again. Crying as we talk.
it's a pretty unbearable thought then my mind blocks it again.

You're probably right that in time the mems will be replaced by the pain. It scares me thinking I'll forget him but can't see how I could love someone so much and forget but as you said the pains there atm.

We had a really good relationship and a lot of love. Don't think a day went (or very few) without us saying we loved eachother and meant it.

I thought last night, while looking around the room, it's me now...that was horrid too.
We were part of eachother for sooo long. 28 yrs.

Hard ride isn't it.

Thanks 🙂

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

demonblaster — Wed, 27 May 2015 01:25:19 GMT

Hi Geoff 🙂

Thankyou very much for your support and absolutely no problem that you didn't get back earlier.

We weren't married but that's ok 🙂 just saying. No probs there 🙂

That's right, you need to remember it all. I know the good mems will come more often once the pain and shock subsides, not that I don't have good mems, (trillions) but so much to take in atm.

Thanks so much again, great having such lovely support.

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

Neil_1 — Wed, 27 May 2015 23:21:49 GMT

Hi there demonblaster

First of all, I’ve gotta say I always enjoy different people’s “names” that they use on here, especially the more cleverer ones and when it is a little obscure, I enjoy trying to work out a meaning behind the name; but I’m at a bit of a loss with yours.

I thought, Demon (Demons – Melbourne AFL team) blaster, but nah, probably not.

I thought, demons and blasting them perhaps from your mind – and that they’re the enemy and you are wanting to hunt them down and blast them away; which is the one I’m going with.

No need for you to give anything away here, I’m just happy to amuse myself.

The comment you make about it still being in the early days (mid January) is 100% correct – things are still very raw and so with how each day goes for you, it will be a rollercoaster for you for a while yet, and that’s ok. That’s you just working through this period.

But just make sure you keep your support networks in place for yourself (with you), while know 100% that whenever and how often you want to post here, you’ll know that we have your back 100% also.

The ride IS hard, the road is rough and it’s bloody difficult.

Keep writing here – cause you’ve got a heap of people in your corner and a heap of people concerned for you and a heap of people, who just want to hear from you, so we can write back and support you.

Kind regards

Neil

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

demonblaster — Thu, 28 May 2015 04:56:59 GMT

Neil, thanks, I mean it, ...thanks 🙂

Yeah there's a gambit of emotions that go on in this process.
It comes in waves, I thought I'd be in a pile on the floor but can laugh, cry (often publicly) talk and listen to others problems.
I think what's made me a lot stronger is working through Bipolar and also did a fair bit of grieving at the GC where the poor darling had chemo and copped such a flogging.

Went to the biggest cuppa today, few tears, mems, we went there together in the past, now I'm thinking and helping with him in mind.
Was fun with the Auction, I was pushing up prices here and there but occasionally lol got stuck with stuff hahaha 🙂 but all good. Wanted to put a bit in for great cause, I think cancers No: 1 now for our mortality.

Did I tell yaz I'm gunna do a half head shave for the next relay for life and get a leukaemia tat on my head and put some of my art on too. Hoping to do a trade, give the tattooist some of my art for a tat.

I'm here for others too. IT's not a one way street so if anyone wants to talk here I'm happy to listen and maybe able to help 🙂

Cheers all

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

demonblaster — Thu, 28 May 2015 05:02:07 GMT

Neil 🙂 Yeah soz meant to say that you got it right, demon as in demons the mongrels, and yip I'm working at blasting the suckers to another galaxy lol.

Winning too....and that's a buzz I tell ya

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

Neil_1 — Fri, 29 May 2015 01:20:53 GMT

Hi there DB

That is AWESOME to hear – keep on firing at those mongrels and blasting them to smithereens, kingdom come and other galaxies – the further the better! 🙂

Also sounding awesome is the comment about getting yourself a tatt, with regard to leukaemia and also some of your art as well – and thank you for sharing that, cause now you’ve given me a very good idea for me. I have 9 of them at the moment, so No.10 is always in the back of my mind, but with all of my tatts, they have to mean something that is very close and dear to me. My daughter is brilliant with her drawings and artwork – I might just have a squiz through her many art books to see what I can find as a No.10 possibility.

Thanx heaps

Neil

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

demonblaster — Fri, 29 May 2015 08:40:22 GMT

Boomer Neil :D, that sounds really good the tatt.
Meaningful coming from something your daughter did too. What a buzz.

Yeah gunna keep on kicking those nasties....but but but.....hahaha mods, nearllllly. 🙂

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

geoff — Fri, 29 May 2015 19:09:54 GMT

dear DB, lovely conversation between you and Neil, and enjoying it. L Geoff. x

Lost my partner recently to Luekaemia (Cancer )(blood)

demonblaster — Sat, 30 May 2015 08:08:53 GMT

Thanks Geoff 🙂

Good of you to say