topic Lost all my friends in Grief and loss

Lost all my friends

Jo3 — Fri, 09 May 2014 04:51:06 GMT

Hi everyone

I have just lost my last close friend - and it's all my fault.

When all this childhood abuse stuff came out 4 years ago, I had a few friends that supported me greatly. And I really appreciated their support. But this morning a close friend (or so I thought) told me that she can't have me talk about my stuff anymore, not about the abuse, the psych sessions anything. She said she has had enough and can't do it. She said she had to see a psychologist to help her tell me.

I felt guttered and now have lost all my friends. I didn't realise that I was taking her time and my issues were interfering with her life. She never mentioned it to me in the four years that we have been catching up.

So now I am friendless, no one to talk to; no one to vent to or even have a coffee with. It's all gone - and it's all my fault.

This is one example of borderline personality disorder that I have been diagnosed with. And I hate it so much, I really do.

I hate myself for being like this, i have no one know. it's all gone. i don't know what to do anymore, my day has spiralled down so much that i just want to hide away.

It's never ending and i don't know if i can do this anymore. it sucks, it's horrible and i am to blame.

Lost all my friends

Jo3 — Fri, 09 May 2014 05:17:04 GMT

So my life is now me and me alone. Even though i have a husband and kids I have no one else that i can talk to or catch up for coffee.

i am not good right now and i couldn't care less about anything.

borderline personality disorder stinks big time and i hate myself for having it.

Lost all my friends

white knight — Fri, 09 May 2014 07:17:46 GMT

Dear Jo3, well you went leaps and bounds further than my mother with BPD who didnt seek help at all during her 82 years of family destruction. You at least know your illness and have done all you can to seek help. I take my hat off to you- seriously, well done.

Now about your 'friends'. I've recently gone through the same thing. My behaviour has been over the top and beyond the "normal" boundaries. Isnt is amazing how quickly you lose friends that you thought you'd have forever? Gone!!

I try to find positives in all negatives and if you try hard you will find some. For example: I feel good after a while because I'd prefer to have friends that will stand by me or better still friends that will tactfully let me know to not talk so much about your own topics of concern. This will still hurt the sensitive but its better to have such a friend than those that chop you off.

What I've done now is I've found new friends and I limit my talk about my issues unless they ask. I'm upfront about my mental issues (and likely always will be) then I close down about it until my new friend asks. Then I still limit it somewhat. I never used to do this, I was eager to talk day and night about it as I was troubled and tormented.

That alone feeling is and always will be there. Few friends of family can sooth the dull pain of mental illness. But those that do over a long period of time are true friends but they also have the makeup to endure such repetitive chatter. Some dont have that ability. We cant blame them.

I had such a friend recently that told me "all I want in my life is fun, fun and more fun. I dont want to talk about sad things and what people said and why they did this or that. Have fun man, stop worrying"!

I told him I've looked in the local supermarket and cant find worry pills- perhaps he can find them for me! eg worry isnt a choice.

So people like my ex friend above have a right to carry out their life as they please. Bet my bottom dollar one day his world will come crashing down. And there wont be many people around that will relate to his grief or crisis. As hard as it might seem I will be too busy visiting my friends that were there for me to spend time with a person that chose not to be around when I needed him.

Lost all my friends

Jo3 — Sat, 10 May 2014 01:15:22 GMT

Thanks White Knight for your reply.

Yes BPD is a very hard mental illness to control especially the emotions and the lack of empathy. I never thought I did lack empathy but apparently I do according to my psych. I have sought help for this and although it is so damn hard to change I think I am slowly. Little steps.

As for friends - I will have to live my life now without them - I know of a lot of people especially because I live in a small tourist town and everyone knows each other. I have worked with lots of people but no one has kept in contact with me and I am sick and tired of trying to be the one who has to do the calling around just to organise a coffee. No one ever rings me or sends me a text to see how I am going; I am the one that has to start it.

I am now going to leave it with this particular friend and if she wants to catch up one day for a coffee fine but I won't be "chasing" her anymore.

I am just really sad for me because I have never had many friends in my life. Always only having 1 or 2 friends at school and then losing contact as I got married. Then I worked and made one close friend - to lose her after quite a few years due to moving house; i keep losing my friends or they keep leaving me.

I always thought that friends were meant to be there for their friends - to support them, laugh with them, cry with them, and be a good friend.

Well, now I guess I know I have no one to do this with anymore.

Take care white knight

Lost all my friends

Neil_1 — Sat, 10 May 2014 03:39:06 GMT

Hi Jo

It was sad to read your post about how your friend has chosen the decision she has.

But wow, what a great post that White Knight provided. In a way, that's a little about what I do - as you can actually see even from my efforts on this website - you know that I don't put out too much all that often. And that's pretty much how I go about my life at the moment. And I think without a doubt it's for the reason that if I was to bang on about what's evil in my mind and tormenting me all the time, I'd soon have no-one.

I'd soon have no-one - it's not like I've got friends banging down my front door, no not at all - in fact, all my friends are mostly at email length - as in, I don't see them - I could if I wished too, but I don't want too.

But we're all very very different and for you Jo, and I can understand your side of things for wishing to open up and talk about things. That's where we just don't know how our friends will take things. White Knight provided really good points on this.

You know Jo, I still think that if you were to slowly open up to your family, I think you'd be so terribly surprised at how much they would bend over backward to support you with this.

Cheers

Neil

Lost all my friends

Mares73 — Sat, 10 May 2014 06:06:21 GMT

My dearest Jo, I'm so sorry that happened with your friend. You really didn't need any more upsetting news. Jo just so I can support you the best way you deserve-would you mind briefly explaining what borderline personality means for you & how it affects you? You have had a rough time for quite a while now & I just hope the psych treats you better than last time. It must be so hard, I know what you mean about feeling alone & isolated dealing with the abuse and other issues. Jo does your husband listen to you? I hope you have support at home? I'm thinking of you & don't forget your many friends here who care for you greatly. Lve Mares xxx

Lost all my friends

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 10 May 2014 11:12:57 GMT

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you, Jo. Don't give up.

Lost all my friends

Jo3 — Sat, 10 May 2014 11:34:37 GMT

To my dear friends Neil, Mares & GA & White Knight

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I was told I had this disorder when reading a referral letter from my original pyschologist sending me to a psychiatrist for a review of meds (different pysch to who I'm seeing at the moment). I wanted to read what my pyschologist had written in the referral and I read - borderline personality disorder. He never explained it to me. I emailed him and told him I read his referral letter and wanted to know what he wrote about me. He never really explained it to me.

So four years later it has been explained now by my current psychotherapist and I attend a support group meeting monthly in Melbourne.

Basically BPD is a disorder of emotion regulation. The main feature of BPD is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self image and emotions. People with BPD are very impulsive.

The disorder occurs mainly in early adulthood. These are the symptoms:

Frantic effort to avoid real or imagined abandonment

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships

Identity disturbance such as self esteem

Impulsiviity - such as binge eating, reckless driving, or shopping

Recurrent suidical behaviour, gestures, threats

Emotional instability

Chronic feeling of emptiness

Inappropriate intense anger or difficult controlling anger

Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

BPD is more prevalent in females

Cause of BPD:

Cause is likely due to biological and genetic factors, social factors, the individuals personality.

Treatment of BPD:

Psychotherapy, medicatiions and DBT (dialetical behaviour therapy)

This was a shock to me to know I have this disorder and I am starting to see that symptoms are definitely related to BPD. And I struggle daily, my psychotherapist is fantastic and is helping me with DBT therapy.

I think I will do what White Knight has suggested and not say much at all to anyone. I don't know who I can trust and it frightening to know that I can lose a friend so easily. It feels like no one cares about me anymore.

Hope this explains a bit about BPD.

Lost all my friends

fuschia — Sat, 10 May 2014 11:51:31 GMT

hey Jo,

I have all of these symptoms you listed but the physciatrist I saw on Thursday said I don't have it as my symptoms only last hours and bipolar symptoms ie manic, euphoria, invisible feelings will last for days at a time.

Im so confused now..

Lost all my friends

Jo3 — Sun, 11 May 2014 08:59:28 GMT

Hey Fuchsia

I should have mentioned that people with BPD take a lot longer for their emotions to come back down to "normal level". My psych explained it to me like this - with a person that doesn't have any mental illness or BPD their reaction to their emotions calm down within a few minutes whereas a BPD person's reaction will take a lot lot longer, days.

There is a criteria for BPD to be diagnosed and out of the 9 you have to have at least 5 of them to be diagnosed. But this must be done by a professional.

What diagnosis has your psych given you?

Lost all my friends

fuschia — Sun, 11 May 2014 10:18:30 GMT

Hi Jo just used the words general anxiety, manic anxiety and behavior and depression. I guess I'll go ahead and continue the progress of changing my meds but if I need a second opinion down the track I will get it.

Twenty years is long enough.

Hope your ok...

Lost all my friends

white knight — Sun, 11 May 2014 18:49:42 GMT

Dear Jo3,

Sometimes we have to get things into proper perspective. Some sufferers of mental illness live their lives with extreme behaviour with not much middle ground where 'normal' is. Extreme mood, actions, emotion etc. Some that is. I mentioned earlier my behaviour can be extreme and this doesnt fit in a club/group atmosphere. For example- I cant stand idly by and experience/witness the most smallest example of injustice. A prime example of this was 25 years ago as a council dog ranger whereby I was told to favouritise the local politicians dog over all others. Meaning dont issue an infringement if it was at large etc. This I felt was wrong (and is) in that pensioners and unemployed must pay such fines but preferential treatment was plain wrong. The point is that had I had the wisdom I have now I would have tackled the problem differently, had words with councillors, stayed away from the area and allow the senior officer to decide to give such preferential treatment. I ended up losing my job, my health and nearly my then marriage. I went into a rage without intelligent thought. A few pats on the back didnt pay the bills as honourable as my actions were. I didnt have the issue in a proper perspective. I wasnt wrong but by knee jerking I paid a huge price.

As my therepist said to me following this trauma- "with your thoughts say to yourself, are you being realistic? do you have things in proper perspective?" I say those things to myself nearly every day with my decisions and actions. It helps sometimes. But emotions are strong feelings and when you are upset it isnt easy getting things in balance.

From what I have read of your posts I'm hoping this latest loss of a dear friend will pass in time and new ones, maybe better ones will enter your life. Loss of a friend can be experienced as much as grief. Remember what I said- you can get a positive out of a negative if you look hard?

PROBLEM FLOWER

I count my problems

so I pick a daisy flower

I pick a petal for each of my woes

and count them by the hour

And as the last petal is picked

and my problems as big as a city tower

I thought I had so many issues

But not as many as that flower....

by white knight

Lost all my friends

vip — Mon, 12 May 2014 12:42:41 GMT

Jo you still have a friend with me on these forums I don't write as much as I used to anymore I know as I find sometimes its a bit draining for me and unhashes all the memories of my past. Hey ive lost heaps of friends through my journey don't worry so much new people are everywhere . I tend to hang with ladies that understand me and are going through similar experiences you may have to join a ladies group ect to find this . Yes and speaking about the depression over and over some people to get a little frightened but that's their choice to move away. so maybe talk about it but no your limits with it hope this all helps take care

Lost all my friends

white knight — Tue, 13 May 2014 03:22:31 GMT

Nes, what a beautiful reply. yes I reckon some of this will drain me a bit one day and I'll need a break. Quite normal.

It was so refreshing to see that someone from some time ago came back here to comfort Jo. Very nice.

Lost all my friends

Jo3 — Tue, 13 May 2014 03:27:55 GMT

Hi Nes,

Thanks for your kind words and for being my friend. I really appreciate it. I do understand what you're saying about being on here a bit and then rehashing old stuff - i think this is what is happening with me! But i don't want to leave just yet.

You know if i ever come over to Perth I would love to catch up with you. (but it will probably not happen because of privacy)

Hope you are doing okay, and your husband and son are good as well.

Take care and thanks again for replying, i miss your chats

Jo xxx

Lost all my friends

Jo3 — Tue, 13 May 2014 03:29:09 GMT

Hi White Knight

I agree with you - it can be draining and exhausting being on here. I'm starting to think that it is affecting me.

But for now I can't leave - i have too many friends on here.

Hope you're doing okay,

take care